nikikuona na wengine nashikwa na wivu
naomba unipe namba yako nikuvutie wire
nikupeleke Java
tunywe kahawa
tukizubaa duba duba”

Lazizi- Sauti Sol

I know I have been silent for the larger part of this year. If I said that I have missed writing, then I would be lying. If I said that I have been alone… well, again I will be lying. I wish to not engage with you my readers today. Today, I will address she who has made me a better man. Today, I will address she, who has made me feel from deep within. Today, I choose to address she, who has made me want to settle down. Today, I ask the said she to MARRY ME.

The Very First Time,

I remember the first time I met you. I cant lay a finger on what exactly attracted me to you. all I know is that I knew right there and then, that I wanted to see you again and again.

I remember the very first time I nervously muttered the words “I Love You…” I think was surprised me the most about those three words, were the fact that for starters, I meant them and the second thing… the fact that instead of feeling vulnerable, I felt rather relieved. It felt like a huge load had been lifted out of my shoulders.

I remember the first time I took you out on a date. We were in a different world, in probably one of my favorite parts of that world. We talked and you know what? we connected. It was simple. It was just the two of us, open spaces and the afternoon went by so fast, that I think we got lost in our own time.

Thinking back, it is on that very first date, that I knew I wanted to see more of you, and that I wanted to be a part of you. Thinking back, it has been an epic journey.

I remember the first time I made you cry. Yes, we have had rough patches as well. You needed me, and I was not there. I failed you on that day. I know my presence would not have changed much. However, what it would have done though, was that it would have eased your pain. My role was not to make your troubles go away. It is that day, that I realized that my role in your life, was to share your pains and lows. It was to share you highs and smiles. It was to be your shoulder to lean on. My role, was not to make sure that you never have problems. It was instead, to make sure that you never have to face those troubles alone.

My Second time,

Babez, after so many firsts, I soon realized that I had to continuously wow you. I had to keep ‘wowing’ you time and time again. Every good deed demanded another.

I guess after the first three months, lets face it, we both realized that we were in whatever it is we were in for the long haul. It was now time to settle and understand the flaws in one another. The ‘pretty face’ was over. Now we were on to the ‘normal’ face. The best foot had been put forward. Now it was time for us show each other the other foot.

It has not been easy babez. You have seen me at my low moments. Seen me at my highs. Caught me as I was going through my lows. You were there when the unexpected happened. And you were there for what I knew would be. You took tea with me at my cheap cafes… and you were opposite me as we wined and dined in fancy hotels. Babez… after all that we have been through, all I can say is that I Love you now, more than I Loved You the first time I said I Love you. It defies logic I know. But here we are babez. Here we are.

One More Time,

Babez… I am settled with what I feel for you. I am settled with how I feel for you.  I am not a man of many complexities. I am not the loudest of the bunch. I am not the most hardworking of the bunch. I cannot lay claim to being the most handsome of the bunch either. And let’s face it, I we both know I isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed either.

I however, with all that I am. With all that I am worth. With all that I have. With all that I will ever have, do say to you babez… that I lay claim to being the man that will Love you like no other. I lay my claim to being the man that will go to the ends of the world for you. I am that man, who you know, will be true to you. I am that man, who promises to always do good by you.

Babez… in times of pain, I know tears will flow from your cheeks. I also do know, I will be by your side to help wipe every tear drop that flows down from your cheeks.

Babez… in times of joy, I know your huge laugh will ring loud and your smile will brighten the room. I promise to be there to share in it.

Babez… here I am. A simple man. Here I am. A man humbled by who you are. Here I am. A man in Love with all that it is that says you. Here I am. A man ready for whatever the future might hold. Here I am. A man who wants to spend the rest of my life with you. Here I am…. A man who can say so many words… when all Raymond wants to ask is… CYNTHIA, WILL YOU MARRY

I am a lucky man

 

Niko na
Niko na uwezo
Wakuji Kujiendeleza
Niko na
Niko nayo nguvu
Nitaji
Nitajitahidi
Niko na
Niko na fanaka
Nitaji
Nitajitolea
Niko na
Niko na baraka
Kwa kazi
Kazi nayofanya
Niko na Fahari
Niko na furaha
Niko na uwezo”

Niko Na – Safaricom Choir

My Dear fellow Kenyans,

I am a Kenyan and I am proud to be Kenyan. Sometimes though, my loyalty is brought to question.  It pains me that we have a system of governance that is so broken down that all that happens is we are in a permanent campaign mode, permanent political bickering mode and permanent corruption mode.

Last year, a wakeup call was made by The Kenya Red Cross and the World Food Program. They did fire a warning shot and they asked Kenyans (read the Government) to ready itself for drought. What went wrong? Where did the rain start beating us (no pun intended)?

My Dear fellow Kenyans,

Today, I picked up my phone and I made a donation to the Kenya Red Cross in a bid to feed my dear fellow Kenyans. What pains me though, is that many have already lost lives as we sat back and waited for an emergency call. It does pain as well, when I hear our Prime Minister say that the MEDIA are being harsh and that they are being unfair. I am guessing he would have preferred Kenyans to starve than for the Government to be cast in bad light in the media. And let me guess… around this time next year, he will be cris crossing the exact same area with grand plans for dam constructions, grain storage facilities, and I am sure you will say that under your Government, you will make it rain in the entire country. A bunch of bollocks we all know, but your audience will be expected to clap and chant your praises all the way to the ballot box. again, politics will over ride our collective levels of common sense!

My Dear Fellow Kenyans,

This is not going to be a political rant. I will save that for the mainstream media. They will give us page after page of editorial commentary and they will splash pictures on pages. The more troubling, the better. The more malnourished a child will be, the better. The more gorier, the better. They will sell papers and they will say they are reporting in a balanced and fair manner. Truth is, the media was also caught up in the scramble for political headlines. They are scrambling for the next scoop from the President. The mainstream media was caught out reporting on who was meeting the Hague 6. They were caught up in the mediocrity that is the G7.

My Dear fellow Kenyans,

My resolve to proudly proclaim and defend the colors our republic is being tested. I am sure yours is as well. At the end of the day, we as Kenyans need to stand up for each other. We have a lovely country. A country full of contradictions, but a great country it is. We have a country not worth fighting for, but one worth standing up for.

My Dear fellow Kenyans,

We need one another. We need prayer for rains to fall and we need donations in terms of food. We need to commit to one another. I am willing to stand by my brethren in the Nothern Districts. Isn’t it the legendary Field Marshall Dedan Kimathi who said it is better to die on your own feet, than to live on your knees? Didn’t Jaramogi Oginga Odinga say “Whether you chithni, you yetni or you thethni, Kenya en marwa by thuonity!” I know our sense of pride has been eroded by bickering, political or otherwise, but at the end of the day, all we have is one another.  Where are the real men of this country? I believe we have real men out there. Men like me, who think that accepting food aid from a desert country like Egypt is an insult. Where are the real women of this proud country that is Kenya? Women who believe it an insult for a foreigner to come in and cook in their kitchens. Men and women of Kenya, I call upon you to stand up. I call upon you show your worth.  I dare you to show the world your true colors. The country demands it from you.

My Dear Fellow Kenyans,

My pride in a flag with a symbolic green color, does not allow me to receive food aid from a desrt nation before I have given my contribution. I have today sent a small contribution to the Kenyans for Kenya program. My mobile phone service provider of choice, Safaricom, have made it easy for all Kenyans to give as little as KES 10.00. Just go to your M-Pesa Option, go to the “Paybill” option and enter the number 111111. Make your donation. Whatever amount you can muster, please make that contribution. I would like to make a pledge as well. For every hit I receive on this post, I will give one shilling towards the cause. I fear I might be at the risk of driving myself broke but you know what? if it is to feed a Kenyan who will one day live to emulate a personal hero the late Dr. Bonaya Godana, then I stand by my pledge.

My Dear Fellow Kenyans,

I happened to be in the coastal beaches a while back. We were all shuffling on to the ferry and the wind was being rather ruthless that day. As we boarded the ferry, the wind gushed and an elderly had her dress blown up. Instead of struggling with keeping her privates hidden, she had both hand firmly gripped on her hat! Yes, she couldn’t care less about her exposed nether regions. When a fellow passenger asked her why? She said, “Kuma ina miaka sitini na tatu, kofia nayo nimeinunua jana pale tudor…”! it is not time to pass the blame, it is not time to point fingers, we have done that since independence. It is now time to hold on to what is here with us.

My Dear Fellow Kenyans,

DONATE! Again, I will match your reading this post with a donation. We are after KENYANS and we will stand up for KENYA!

“Hey you in the blue uniform
If I have wronged you I will reform
raia analia kilio
hey you, hey you
natambua kwamba hamna kosa, ulilofanya eh
kitambulisho wewe hicho hauna
nikufanyeje
mapato yangu nimadogo, nategemea kidogo
ni kazi yangu ujira wangu
hujakataa kosa ulilofanya
hujakataa chini umeshaketi
hujakataa kitambulisho hana
nitakuseti raia, fuata sharia”

Blue Uniform- Sauti Sol

I recently had the chance to assemble a panel of eminent personas. Now, in choosing my panel, I had to undertake rigorous background checks and I had to make sure that the panel was representative of the male folk.

To be a member of this elite advisory committee, one had to meet all the following requirements; Be banned in at least three Kenyan Counties. Have at least three children from two different women, and finally, have the same moral standards as a Hyena.

Kenyans, we have a solution… my panel can be found at www.wanau.me . Follow the link!

On to matters at hand;

Recently, I was with my panel. One panel member surprised us all. he told us how he was in the course of handling his business and was feeling pretty proud of himself. He though he was giving a sterling performance, and happened to ask what should ideally be a rhetoric question. He asked… “who’s you daddy?…” and guess what? He got a reply! “Baba shiko…”!

Yes we were in shock. The entire panel took a step back, had a sip of beer… and looking at my panel, I could tell, it was like dagger straight to the each panelist’s heart!  How cruel can a woman be? Why couldn’t she just fake it and let him feel like a man. Why did she have to respond and respond with an incorrect no less!

The matter being weighty, we could not postpone but tackle the issue immediately. This was more urgent than the implementation of the constitution. The constitution only affects Kenya. This was to affect all of huMANity. We had to come up with a way forward. The egos and well being of men all over was at stake. No man, whether he be from shanty towns of Timbuktu or the metropolis of New York. Whether he is from the belly of the earth itself, or considers the moon his abode. No man, should ever again suffer the indignity of having an incorrect answer to the question… “Who’s Your Daddy…”

I present the brief of our directives which shall be applied across the worlds. The detailed contents of the directives can be found at www.kuweniserious.info.ke

Eject Mass Storage Device

The first thing all men are to do whenever faced with what we shall from here henceforth refer to as an incorrect answer, is quickly EJECT mass storage device. No trying to redeem yourself. An insult like that is not to be taken lightly. No sense in saving anything.

Johnny Bravo Moment

After the knockout punch that is an “incorrect answer” what one needs to get right back up, is a “Johnny Bravo” moment. How? Simple… random fornication with quick kills like mboches,ex-girlfriends (Meaning your ex mboches) and a visit to the “right hand gymnasium” should do just fine. Once you have gone around behaving like an idiot of a human being, you are now back on your feet and can start scheduling a re-match against the said Miss. Incorrect Answer. For the re-match, this is what the panel strongly recommends…

Re-Match Time

Given that you have more than a point to prove, you will need to be at your best. You need to buy enough stock of the infamous Mukhobero herb. This is to be found in Western Kenya and is said to be the cause of the “Muliro Gardens Saga”.  You are to partake of this herb religiously. Have it like mediaction. After breakfast, after lunch and after dinner. Actually, scrap that. Have it instead of meals! Next and very importantly, you need to invest in Peanuts. You will not have margarine on bread, but instead, have Peanut Butter. You will have some peanut butter sauce to go with lunch as well. Next, I suggest you invest in Yoghurt. One lesson we have learnt from “Muliro Gardens” is that Yoghurt is some form of aphrodisiac!

Now you are ready to make the call! You are ready for the re-match.

Again I ask…

If on re-match day and after pumping your body with chemicals meant to stimulate the system, you again ask… “who’s your daddy…” and you get an answer “Bado ni Baba Shiko tu…” said as she continues knitting or filing her nails, then my good friend, I have some advice for you… Resort to the solace and comfort of what is commonly referred to in I.T as “Local Hosting!”.

You have obviously hit a brick wall and found “server error”. The good thing about “local Hosting” is that you can be your own super star. You can do the un-imaginable with Dettol Soap as Julie soothes you… You can stare at Wahu’s Airbrushed body and make her sweat!!… Heck, you can use panga soap and “local host” to an elderly mother! You will be the super star and holder of your own fate. Interesting what Wanjiru’s mother will have as answer if you ask “who’s my Daddy??..”

Great to be back… I’m out!

I was young (bop)
And didn’t have no where to run
I needed to (wake up) and see (and see)
What’s in front of me (na-na-op)
There had to be, a better way say it again
To show I’m grateful (hum)
So I thought up this song
To show my appreciation for lovin’ me so long
You don’t know how much you mean to me

Chorus:
‘Cause even though when times get rough
You never turned away
You were right there
And I thank you (thank uooo)
When I felt I had enough
You never turned away
You were right there
And I thank you (thank you)

Thank You- Boyz II Men

Looking back at the past year and a half… I cant help but SMILE! Starting this blog, has been one of the most fulfilling venture I have ever embarked on.

Many faces I have met… Many friendships I have built. Many smiles I have seen. Many laughs I have generated. This year though.. I call it quits!

2010 is the year I can say I ruled. Post after post I took this blog that notch higher! I got to be featured in a daily…the same daily that eventually plagiarized my work. I topped a blog competition and I met many readers who gave me many hugs.

I had this blogpost all thought out… I knew exactly what I was going to write, but today, as I say Goodbye, words that you have become accustomed to fail me. Today, I can only say THANK YOU.

Many wonder what the process of writing-Raymond style-takes… Sometimes, I just doodle on and something just seems to fit in. Sometimes, I hear a song and what I want to write about automatically comes to mind. One of my most rewarding moments in 2010 was when I wrote with a certain Archer Mishale. About a month before this blogpost, we discussed doing something together. Well, when I did a draft and sent it to him… he called me and said he’d try getting it right because in his words… “Your humor is on another level”. He can tell you that its not easy working with Raymond. I kept calling him… Texting him…I wanted to get his input. I needed his input! A short while later and Archer delivered. I remember reading what he’d sent and I was falling with laughter. I couldn’t believe it! It was done. That post… was special.

2010 is when I bore my heart out… not for sympathy, but for you to know the pain behind the man. Nkirdizzle asked me to do a guest post for her. I wanted to do something along the lines of the alcohol bill…but I didn’t know much about alcohol bills except for those that the waiter brought right after he opened my White Cap. I decided to give the world my story! Once I had it all written down, I felt this huge release. It was like letting go of so much pain. It felt like so much anger and pain had been lifted off my shoulders.

2010 is when I hosted people at my blog. Anonymous people with stories like this one, to share were invited and they told you my readers, of the different experiences they’d had. To my anonymous writers, I say a big thank you and I hope their stories touched each and everyone of you.

I don’t think I know yet, just the number of people who read this blog. For those that do, I say a big thank you. Its always an honor to receive your comments. Those comments mean so much to me. I know I have many “silent” readers. Those that read, and do not comment. THANK YOU! I know of many that have referred their friends to my blog. I couldn’t do this without you.

This blog has changed my life. You have all touched me in ways I never thought possible. What was meant to be mindless rantings and musings of a lunatic, has changed into what I hope are well thought out stories that touch on everyday life…with a pinch of salt of course.

I have so much to say…but I do not know how to say it. Will I be back? Maybe… I guess I just need to read a post that blow all lids away like Magaribina’s Phone Review… Or read something deep and moving like this post from Mrs Mwiti.

For the last year and a half, I have given you smiles and laughs. What you have given me though, I will never measure. I can not measure. I hope I have given back to the blogosphere by raising its profile and creating awareness about this thing called blogs. If I recruited one more member into the world that is blogging, then I believe I have done a decent enough job.

As I hang my mouse and shut down my computer, I have this buzzing music in my head… I hope Code Red can do a mixtape of #RuttoPlaylist. As I hang my mouse, I hope to be back soon. As I hang this mouth and shelve my keypad… I have nothing but my most heartfelt thanks to you all for supporting me. As I hang my mouse, shelve my keypad and turn off my computer, all I am left to say is… Its been one hell of a ride. THANK YOU!

The Nokia N8…. I was going to write a tech review of the N8, complete with an analysis of the Operating System, camera, bla bla bla… Basically, I was going to give it a glaring review, the phone obviously being the object of my fascination… But then, I have decided to become more realistic. Instead of re-inventing the wheel and writing a phone review, I will just refer you to one of the best blogs in Kenya. It is one of the funniest blogs you will ever read and trust me, this lady’s sense of humor and way with words is as yet unrivalled! For a phone review like no other, kindly click HERE… I hope my Nokia N8 finds its way to my hands! Happy New Year people and should you happen to hear of someone offering good money for a testicle, a load of sperm or something like that, ask them to holla at me! I’m out!

Bad Boys- Inner Circle

Ocampo has finally name the six, that the I.C.C believes bears the greatest responsibility. Being the ultimate traveler that I am, I hereby bring you the story from three months down the line. In the month of March 2011, the “Hague 6” will stage a prison break!

The TV series Prison Break goes a little bit like this… Michael Scoffield gets himself arrested. He does this, to try break his brother Lincoln out of Fox river prison. As the series goes on, Michael Scoffield finds it difficult to work alone and so he gets help-some of it un warranted- to help break his brother out. An F.B.I agent is hot on their heels along with the prison warder. That’s the brief…

Fast forward to the month March 2011. You can stream live happenings at www.hague6break.co.ke

Scoffield Kenyatta

A member of Kenya’s elite society. His friend has been arrested and is at Central Police station. He conjures up a plan to burst his good friend and brother out.

Lincoln Rutto

He claims it’s a government conspiracy out to finish him. His only hope for freedom lies outside the scope of justice. The odds are stacked against him. He knows that this is the end of the road. He pleads innocence. Lucky for him, he knows he has a brother and a friend, he knows he can always count on Scoffield Kenyatta!

T-Bag Kosgay

He has a list of accusations against him longer than a roll of toilet paper. He has been out the run for years. This time, the long arm of the law seems to have caught up with him. His only hope of getting out of Central Cop station, is by clinging on to Scoffield and Link… His accent and look make him a very distinct character. He has never stood on his own two feet. He always leans on someone… and often bends over and why does he do all that? Oh well.. is KOS he’s GAY!

Sucre Muthaura

Soft spoken. He was framed for a crime he did not commit. His only crime, was that of passion and being in the wrong place at the wrong time. He is at Central police station and many believe he has been falsely accussed. He was set-up. Those that set him up, are roaming free. Will Sucre Muthaura squeal? Lucky for him, Scofield and Link, have a plan. From the cells of central, he can see the plush hotel that he often stayed. In his heart, he is clean. he has built a friendship with both Kenyatta and Rutto. He hopes that when the time comes, they will take him along.

Abruzzi Ali

A general by right… Abruzzi Ali is a kingpin of the underground. He is the boss and his name precedes him even at Central! He finds himself at central not by his own making, but because his people went amock. He bears responsibility because those he entrusted with command, went absolutely berserk. He now has to pay for the sins of his hirelings. Ali, rarely smiles, but he knows people on the outside he can work with.

Lincoln Junior Arap Sang

He is paying for the sins committed by his father. L.j.s finds himself alongside seasoned professionals. He is at a distinct disadvantage. Lincoln Rutto can not do without L.J.S… Scoffield Kenyatta knows that he will have to break out L.J.S. The plan is set in motion.

Bellick Ocampo

He is in charge of the cells at central. He single handedly has made life, a living nightmare.

The characters are in place… the plan is in motion. And now, its game on.

The Plan…

Scoffield with all his wisdom, decided to survey the region around central in advance. When he had everything in motion, he went to his tattoo artist to get it all sketched in his body. Unfortunately, Scoffield Kenyatta went to the tattoo guy via the bar. He got himself in a drunken stupor. It is only on day two that Scoffield Kenyatta realized that he gave his instruction upside down. His tattoos do not make any sense. However, he has guaranteed his brother Lincoln Rutto that he will come through for him.

What else can go wrong? A lot!

Scoffield Kenyatta gets incarcerated at central. Lincoln Rutto vows to protect him from other inmates as they work on their plans. To do this, he will have to rely on the strong arm tactics of Abruzzi Ali. He also has to make sure that he does not get himself entangled with the mean warden in charge of the facility. Mr Bellick Ocampo.

Lincoln Rutto’s hand is everywhere a central. He has to protect L.J.S and from T-Bag Kosgay. T-Bag Kosgay has an ability to talk his way into and out of everything. Lincoln’s greatest fear is that T-Bag Kosgay will do unthinkable to L.J.S.

Sucre Muthaura, soft spoken, with a big heart is recruited to be the look out chap. He is to again be the spanner boy. How will they escape?… Now that Scofield’s map is upside down and nobody can make heads or tales of it.

The Escape

After much debate, it is agreed, that T-Bag Kosgay will be left behind to face the wrath of Bellick Ocampo alone. He will be the fall out guy. Abruzzi Ali, with his connections at central, manages to get a vehicle on the ready. The car is to be on University Way. The get away driver is his good friend and former A.P commandant. The A.P commandant owes Abruzzi Ali a favor and he wishes to redeem himself by helping out Ali.

On the night of the break, T-Bag refuses to fall for the tricks of Scofield and Lincoln. He hangs on to the coat tails of L.J.S for he knows that this is his meal ticket. The look out boy, Mr Sucre Muthaura, manages to fool Mr Bellick Ocampo with his innocent look. Little does Bellick Ocampo know that behind the innocence,is a tough tricky fellow. Bellick Ocampo is about to find things out the hard way!

L.J.S being the smallest of the group, is tasked with sneaking between the bars and opening them from the outside. He then opens the cell doors for the other escapees-T-Bag close behind. The group realizes that they will not be able to shake him off. They all have to go.

Once outside the cell, L.J.S opens the doors and it is then that they try to refer to Scofield’s tattoos. They are not understandable. However, Abruzzi Ali, gets a phone, thanks to his connections in the inside, and a call is placed to the “outside”. Someone M-Pesa’s some money and the doors at central are flung open!

Once outside the gates of central… Scofield looks at Lincoln and they cant believe Abruzzi’s people have not arrived. Abruzzi Ali calls his “people” and they mad a mistake. They didn’t realize that Chinese Wooiye Company were redoing University Way. With all the traffic, they run out of fuel. Now, the Hague 6 have to make a run for it through town. Meanwhile, Bellick Ocampo is hot on the trail and he gets wind of the escape. He gathers that the Hague 6 are planning to board a matatu and they have been spotted at Odeon. Scofield Kenyatta being the man with the plan, had a plan B as well. They take a train instead and from there, its all the way to Uganda. Upon getting to the railway station, bad news hits them… when people at Kibera heard that Abruzzi Ali had escaped prison, they started demonstrating and at they have Ngoad Reli. It is not looking good for the Hague 6.

Bellick Ocampo, is a man on a mission. He wants the Central escapees now known as the Hague 6 back in his cell and he is willing to go to all lengths to get them back. Only one man still roams the earth after escaping from Bellick Ocampo. He is called Bashir.

As I write this from March 2011, I am informed that Scofield Kenyatta and Lincoln Rutto are free and rumored to be holed up somewhere is Western Kenya. L.J.S whereabouts are yet to be known, but inside sources say he was re-arrested by Bellick Ocampo and is being used as bait. To get information out L.J.S, unorthodox tactics have been put in place. T-Bag Kosgay having been re-captured, has been rewarded for squeeling. By being put in the same cell as L.J.Sang.

March 2011, the Hague 6 are on the run. I will keep you abreast on matters as they unfold. The situation is as volatile as ever. Now, let me time travel to my world. And on a final note, the biggest hit of the year 2011 so far, is “Muhadhara Remix” by the Baks. The song goes… “Tiga ne Ali ningepatwa na Muthaura, tiga ne Ngai ningepatwa na muhadhara….”

Niko na
Niko na uwezo
Wakuji Kujiendeleza
Niko na
Niko nayo nguvu
Nitaji
Nitajitahidi
Niko na
Niko na fanaka
Nitaji
Nitajitolea
Niko na
Niko na baraka
Kwa kazi
Kazi nayofanya
Niko na Fahari
Niko na furaha
Niko na uwezo
Niko na SAFARICOM”

Niko Na- Safaricom Choir

I don’t know about you, but I love the new Safaricom advert. The whole NikoNa concept is brilliant. Some say it may have been “borrowed”, but I for one am sold by the beauty and diversity of Kenya.

In the spirit of “Kenyanness”, I decided to put together an elite team of linguists all accomplished in various dialects. The brief was to translate the Safaricom song into some of the most romantic Kenyan languages. I do not know how well they performed, that is for you to judge…and please feel free to add your own translation. The more the languages, the more the unity…

As it happens, mother-tongue is a huge challenge to most of my friends… they claim to be able to speak it, but writing it proved to be a different challenge altogether… enjoy and please add your language and please feel free to correct my experts.

Sheng

Ubeste na ubro yetu inanikwachu mzeeiya
Nabambika na waks na bidii yetu
Tupull pamoja …..
Tukae pamoja ka mabeste JO

Maze jo
Maze jo nina strength
Ya kwenda mbele
Maze jo
Nikona strength
Nita
Nitajikaza
Maze jo
Niko mbele
Nita
Nimejitolea jo
Maze jo
Maze niko na Sir God
Kwa ma waks
Waks na-do

Nikona something ka fahari hivi

Nimebambika jo
Nikona strength
Niko na SAFARICOM/SAFCOM

Translated by: RUMBISH

Kalenjin

Ababai en chomyet ne nyon
Ababai en kimnatenyon
Tuvute pamoja Tushirikiane

Ongichut tugul en kibagenge
Tigikto en tigikto ketoretigei

Amiten ak
Atinye Kimnotet
Natese taa
Amiten Ak
Atinye kimnotet
Agilei
Agile gei

Amiten Ak
Atinye ……
Agonu gei
Amiten Ak
Atinye berur
En choyoei
En kasit nayoei
Atinye berur

Atinye baibaiyet

Atinye kimnotet

Amiten ak SAFARICOM/SAVARIGOM

Translated by: Yours Truly

Kikuyu

Nindirakenera urumwe na uiguano witu

Nindirakunguira wira na kwirutira gwitu

Turute hamwe tunyitaniire

Kiande gwa kiande twirutanirie tuteithanie

Ndinaa

Ndina na uhoti

Wagwituara na mbere

Ndinaa

Ndina hinya

Ningwi 

Ningwirutaniria

Ndinaa

Ndina ugaciru   

Ningwi

Ningwirutira

Ndinaa

Ndinaa irathimo

Wira-ini

Wira-ini uria ndiraruta

Ndina gikeno

Ndina uhoti

Na ndina SAFARICOM/ THABARIKOM

Translated By: ProudKikuyuWoman and Joeemgee 

 Lughya

Sangarira uvulala nende uluyia lwefwe,

Ndekhoyera emirimo nende ukhwekasa khwefwe

Khuhorere alala

Khwekase khuhonyane

Ndi nende

Ndi nende uvunyala

Ovwekhwekhusa

Ndi nende

Ndi nende amaani

Ndetu

Ndetusa

Ndi nende

Ndi nende ovuyinda

Ndetu

Ndetusa

Ndi nende

Ndi nende ekhabi

Khumirirmo

Khumirimo kikhola

Ndi nende khwehoyera

Ndi nende ovusangafu

Ndi nende ovunyala

Ndi nende SAFARICOM/TSAF-RRICOM

Translated By: Rebizz and Elsie

Kamba

Niiwua muyo ni usyao na mbai yiitu

Niiwua muyo ni wia na vitii yiitu
Tukusye vamwe, tukwatanie

Kituo na kituo, twikase, tuteetheaniisye

Ni na
Ni na vinya
Wa kwiyeendeesya

ni na vyina

Ningwiikasa
Ni na…
ni na ___ (dunno what fanaka is)

Ningwii…
Ningwiiyumisya

Ni na….
Ni na baraka
Kwa wia…
Kwa wia ula ngwiika

Ni na

Ni na muyo
Ni na vinya
Niko na

Ni na SAFARICOM/Zavalicom

Translated By: Naomi

Luo

Amor kuom watmarwa                
An gi Yilo kwuom tich matek ma watiyo
Wayuogre , wati kanyakla
Wariw lwetewa wakonyre

An gi
An gi nyalo
Mar dongora
An gi
An gi teko
Abiro
Abiro  tiyo matek
An gi
An gi …..
Abiro
Abiro chiwora
An gi
An gi gweth
E tich
E tich ma atiyo
An gi teko
An gi mor
An gi nyalo
An gi SAFARICOM/SAFARICOM

Translated By: Magaribina

Big thanks to my translators and I look forward to your comments, additions and corrections. Our languages are beautiful. My translators may well make a very good case for re-introduction of mother tongue back into our education system, but that is an argument for another day. #NikoNa

I received this e-mail-Yes, I am fast becoming story central-and I just had to share the story of this woman. Probably fed up of men asking for three-somes, women wondering what is wrong with her, and society trying to beat her sexuality of her, she decided to just let it out. She loves who she is, and she makes no apologies for it. As always, I suggest you take a comfortable sitting position, free your mind and read on.

“This was never the way I planned
Not my intention
I got so brave, drink in hand
Lost my discretion
It’s not what, I’m used to
Just wanna try you on
I’m curious for you
Caught my attention

I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chapstick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don’t mean I’m in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it”

I Kissed A Girl- Kate Perry

I am a woman, I look just like any other woman you meet on the streets, in a restaurant, though that has to be a really nice one, and I love shoes.
Feels like am in an AA meeting of sorts as I say this, which I kind of am, since I have decided to acknowledge what some people know of me. Where to start?? Oh well, from the begin I guess…

I met her back then, you know… way “back when”, and it seems like such a long time ago. She was many things… she came from a well off family, but at the same time, she was the nicest person you would ever wish to meet. She was my best friend, always looking out for me, like a big sister but better.

We were very good friends, always looking out for each other and then one day, one brilliant day… she kissed me! It was early morning, she’d just come in, and she woke me up with a deep, sensual kiss.
I don’t know what was more confusing; the kiss, or the fact that I dint object or feel bad about it! It was tearing me apart on the inside and I couldn’t tell anyone coz I dint even know where I would start;
“She kissed me! I have been violated! What am I going to do?” Is what I probably would have said to the world.

The truth was:
She kissed me, it felt nice and I really didn’t know what to do about it.
I was young, so I did the only logical thing that came to me- I avoided her, changed my day’s program, (short of sleeping during the day) not that it was clock work, but I basically did things different just so I would not bump into her.

After a whole week of thinking, I missed my friend more than I was confused, so I went to her, gave a great big hug, and NO we did not jump into bed on a discovery mission-it happens that way in cheap movies or on animal planet, but not in real life.
We did not discuss previous happenings, but instead went back to a semblance of what used to be our relationship and I think we both decided (unspoken) that we would take it one step at a time. And there started my first relationship with a woman. It was different, it was all consuming, it was overwhelming, it was all that is was never meant to be. I grew to love her in a way I had loved none before. My feelings for her ran deeper than anything I’d ever felt before. Thinking back… I feel moved and I’m busy trying to resist the urge to call her, if for nothing else… Just to hear her voice say “Hi..”

The first time I got into bed with her, it was amazing; I had never been with a man, yes I was a virgin, but even after being with a man, I still didn’t feel what I felt with her, it was like she knew what I wanted. It was like she knew how I wanted it… Before I said it, I was feeling it. It was pure telepathy.

And I guess here is where it gets different,

I like women, and I mean sexually; but I also like men.
I go to a woman because she is emotional, because she doesn’t go, “bang-wham-thank-you-ma’am”. I go to a woman because she will listen to what I want, she will tell me how.

I go to a man because sometimes, men make me feel secure, strong, and sometimes for the sadistic thought of having power over what he feels when he is with me.

Someone once told me that I have “daddy issues”, and maybe I do, and maybe I like women because unlike a man’s violation of me, she gives me comfort and she makes me feel that when I am with her, its not just about sex, it’s a conversation, not a domination (dominatrix rule in their own way) she makes me feel, she lets me feel. With a woman, it is for real.

I am a bi-sexual woman. I like being with both sexes.
Lesbians say am a fence sitter, men get turned on by the idea, and the straight women act all disgusted.
I have fought what I feel, but eventually, I gave in, I accepted it and it became easier to deal with my feelings. I have enough to deal with without having to think about what she/he will think of me.

I have been in a few serious relationships, all with women and not once did I feel different. Disagree you may. Judgmental you may be, but the same things you go through with your ‘significant other’ I went through with my girlfriend(s).
We had jealous fits, we fought over petty things, we had arguments, we made up, we made love, the whole shebang.

I have had some relationships with men, but maybe what I’ve been through with them inclined me more towards women, or maybe it’s the heightened experience of self that I’ve I had with women that gave me my preference for women.

Every time I get into a relationship with a man, I make a point of letting them know that I am bi-sexual. Some guys encourage me, but not because they care how I feel, but because they think its “hot” for two women to be together. I had an ex tell me that he wouldn’t, under any circumstances, be associated with “things” like that. It felt like a whack right across the face, and it stung. More than the physical pain, it hurt me deep in my heart.
The one thing I never understood about him is his double standards and the way he changed facts and opinions in the blink of an eye! Like you were having a conversation with someone else and woke up to find your self in an alternate universe with the same person.

I am half in the closet, half out of the closet. My closest friends know about my sexuality, but my family doesn’t. My family has these people who are self righteous, and only see other people’s faults, never their own. I have ostracized them for so long it feels almost second nature to me; but then again, they are still family and so I keep them in the dark. I was thinking about it the other day, if they found out I was pregnant, it would be the talk of every family meet (which I should mention, only happens when someone dies) but if they found out about my sexuality, they would call an intervention for me, they are mostly drama queens and kings, it sometimes feels like I’m right back in high school!

A little while ago, my sister had her suspicions. She called my niece- she actually is more of an evil twin than a niece- and in true African tradition, they prayed for me. I understand where they are coming from, but I tried too, and here, some judgmental folk will come out with torches and pick forks baying for my blood, but that is just it, this is me, am not going to change and you cant beat what I am out of me.
While we are on this, who made you so righteous? You cheat on a man, and you think, “He deserved it”, you lie through your teeth, you sleep with married men, and you accord yourself the moral authority to pass judgment upon me? You believe yourself to be more righteous than I am? With me, I hurt no one and I am happy and guilt doesn’t eat at me.

Notice I made the above inference on women only, this is because they are the most judgmental, pretentious people. Women will look at another woman in such bad light for something they consider wrong, yet their own doings, will dos, or current doings are little short of pure evil, only difference is, they just have not been found out… YET!
I have more male friends than I do female, one of the main reason being that men aren’t petty and they stick around… tell a woman you are queer and they think they will ‘catch’ it. As if sexuality is a cold!

Men do ask, and when I tell them my sexual preference, and trust me, it creeps into so many conversations, you can’t explain how; they ask,
“Can I watch? I promise I will not touch… Not even myself, unless you want me to”
The thing you don’t get is, it’s as private as your being with a woman intimately, would you let me watch you and your wife/girlfriend having sex? Then don’t ask me to let you watch!! And while on the subject, who told you it has to involve a man?
Men think that without them, sex can’t happen, well, it does. Just so you know, more than 80% of women cum coz of clitoral stimulation.
It is not something we do for fun, it’s serious.

There is this breed of women, Tyra called them “bar-sexual” they get high and think, “Hey, a girl, want to make out?”
These girls think its cool to be lesbian or to have gay traits, they make it seem like a joke, they don’t get the heat that the rest get, its annoying to be anywhere near them!
These girls act cool, and they make the ones who are ‘real’ get discredited, they are not taken seriously, people think it’s a fad, it is serious.

I may not really get the brunt of it coz I am bi-sexual, but I still feel it. I feel unwanted, but hey, I love me, so there, go stick to someone else. It took a lot of work and tears to be who I am, if you don’t like it, then that is your loss, coz if you stopped to look at this person, you know… really look, you would realize they are a wonderful soul and the only difference is our sexuality. I don’t care that you are sleeping with someone’s man/woman, so why should you concern yourself how I derive my pleasure?

I haven’t met a girl who didn’t doubt herself at first, tried not to be who they are, and that is just the reality. We hurt and try to conform to what society needs us to be, but then again, we can’t live for society, when you take crap coz you are out of work, does society come into play? No it doesn’t, so there, I am who I am and society will not change it.

I am a woman; I am bi-sexual, deal with it.

This morning, I received an e-mail from someone who I will keep anonymous… I suggest you take a moment and read… and then go get tested. As the matatu graffiti screams… “Waringa na hata hujapimwa”! Know your status.

Na kama unayo, si mwisho ya maisha
Ni ugonjwa tu kama malaria
Meza dawa, piga tizi, kula vizuri, utaishi fiti
Maisha utayasukuma (x2)

Na mijinga usiyojua kujichinga
Kila shimo unaona unadunga
Hebu jichunge kijana utakuja kufa tukuzike Lang’ata
Paja asione tu, huyo ashainua
Kifua kisipite tu, huyo ashajigonga
Tako lisipite tu, mate yashamtoka (x2)

Vuta Pumz- Logombaz

Ours is a generation in serious trouble.  Our attitude towards sex is alarmingly blasé. At the beginning of the HIV fight people talked of the ABCs of Prevention. That was soon abandoned when it was realized that most people couldn’t (didn’t want to?) Abstain and with the new age of open mpango wa kandos, Being Faithful became a obsolete notion. So the focus has mainly been on condom use to the extent that the Pope recently allowed people to use condoms. And I don’t discount that. Condom use goes a long way in keeping people sex.

But I think it’s time we took a step back and halted this downward spiral. We need to save this generation. It’s time everybody took responsibility.

I’m 29 yr old healthy lady living in Nairobi. And I’m celibate. No, I’m not a virgin and I’m not nun. I made a choice.

Impossible you say? Almost.

Despite growing up on strict “no sex before marriage” values, I lost my virginity at 23. The first thought after was ‘is this it?’ The experience wasn’t really what it had been made out to be. The second thing was “shit we didn’t use a Condom. Need to get me some P2 pills. Don’t want to get pregnant.” I never for a minute thought about AIDS. He was my boyfriend and I trusted him. I later found out he had cheated on me. He probably had unprotected sex with her too. I was worried but not overly so. But he looked pretty healthy so I never went for a test. For the next 5 years, I went through 3 more boyfriends. As the sex got better, I had more unprotected encounters than I care to count. We always started with good intentions. We would be strictly on condoms for the first few weeks, but deep into the relationship we felt that we knew each other well enough not to use them.  At the end of each relationship I would experience a moment of doubt and would wonder if he was completely faithful. And it wasn’t just me. Many of my friends were having unprotected sex. In retrospect our attitude was shocking. It’s not like we didn’t know about AIDs. We talked about it. Most of us were too scared to seek confirmation. So we pretended not to care.

The first time I got tested was after I broke up with a notorious bad boy. But I didn’t go to a VCT centre. I went to donate blood. It was easier because you don’t have to sit through the nerve wrecking lecture before they give you the results. You go donate blood and come back a few days later to get your card. I don’t know what they wrote on the card if you tested positive but I was lucky. But the few days wait was still scary. And each time I would tell myself that I wouldn’t put myself at risk again. But somehow I found myself back in the same cycle.

About two years ago, I ran into an ex. One thing led to another and we found ourselves in bed sans condoms. To this day I can’t explain how I could do something so stupid. My stupidity was rewarded a few weeks later when I discovered I was pregnant. After the initial shock, I realized I wanted the baby. It would be difficult but for the first time I was determined to face the consequences of my actions. I thought about the possibility of AIDs, but I put it to the back of my mind as I prepared for the baby.

On my first pre-natal visit, one of the things I was supposed to do was get a HIV test. While I was sitting in the waiting room, for the first time in my life I seriously thought about the consequences of repeatedly having unprotected sex. I was pregnant and I had a chance of being HIV positive. Worse, I might have exposed my unborn baby to it. I felt the weight of all my irresponsible decisions. I can’t explain what I felt in those moments before I got my results. As much as I always had sex within relationships, I wasn’t careful enough. Many people, as much as they know AIDS is real, have the attitude that it happens to someone else. For the first time it sunk in that it could happen to me. And in a few minutes I would find out. Once again I was lucky. I tested negative. But that feeling never left me. I wasn’t meant to have the baby cos I had a miscarriage a few weeks later. But that just magnified the feeling that something has to change. As I grieved for the unborn, I also felt that I had been given a new beginning. I had been lucky, and I realized just how it could have easily gone the other way. I didn’t deserve it. Granted I wasn’t promiscuous but I was careless and stupid so many times. And God chose to spare me, but so many were not lucky. There was no way I was looking that gift horse in the mouth.

Being celibate isn’t easy. Especially if you maintain a healthy social life. We are bombarded with sex everywhere. It takes very strong will power. So many times I’ve almost given up. Someone once said, virginity is like Pringles, once you pop you can’t stop. Funny, but true. It’s a lot easier staying a virgin than being celibate. I stopped dating because it was too hard convincing some guys that as much as you’re not a virgin you won’t have sex with you. One accused me of playing mind games, using sex as a weapon. But it gets easier with time, you get stronger. It reaches a point where you think and it’s just not worth it giving all the hard work up for a quick romp. And that is the surest way of not getting HIV. I go to bed every night knowing that I am not at risk. I haven’t gone for testing since, but I know my status. And I plan to keep it that way. So I need to find me a man to marry who is as serious about protecting himself. Who’s up for the challenge?