Five Finger Festival Of Fun.

Hand Made

From yuh neva lie wid annada man inna bed
(Tell dem mi seh Nuttin no go so)
And yuh neva sex a gal when she unda code red
(Tell dem mi seh Nuttin no go so)
And yuh neva build yuh shoulda muscle wid yuh third leg
(Tell dem mi seh Nuttin no go so)
No gal neva kiss yuh mouth aft she done give yuh head
(Tell dem mi seh Nuttin no go so)

Well inna bed whe man and woman shoulda hug and caress
So fyah bun de people whe deh wid the same sex
No matter how yuh horny and no matter how yuh des
No gal nuh fee use yuh cackie as no b/cotex
[Much less fi have yuh tun fi check yuh hand fi get a pix
Dem only shoulda bupup when yuh afi tek a pis]
An you no wan no gal fi come an kiss yuh pun yuh lips
Afta she tongue dida deh below your hips

Nuttin na go so- Notch

A statistic done by a very idle and rather creepy professor showed that 95% of all men have “flown solo”. The same study went on to indicate that 43% of all men are “frequent solo flyers” and are known to take to the “palm springs” once a month. The study further went on to say that 25% of all men surveyed indulged in the 4Fs (Five Finger Festival of Fun) more than once a week. Of more concern however is that 8.3% of men in the sample study engaged in “right hand manoeuvres” daily. In a survey I recently carried out, I also established that sex, is the leading cause of pregnancies and STATISTICS!

Guys, we’ve all been lonely in the house, watching porn and the mama you expected to join you bounced. The weather being cold, one can sometimes be tempted to “give a handshake to the El-Presidente”! Some men are known to take things as far as inserting strange objects on their back ends to heighten the “one man show” experience! Hey… as long as you are alone… then do you what you must!

Why then, I ask, is masturbation-I finally said it- regarded as a shameful act? Lets face it…women are known to let down guys every so often and sometimes, one is forced to take matters into his own hands…LITERALLY! Not only is it known to have immense therapeutic values, but it is a well known fact that this art of self indulgence can sometimes be better than the real thing! Look at the number of toys available for men in the market. Multitudes of them are now retailing in many of our stores. From life sized Spanish dolls-which are made in china-to tiny objects of whose use I am as yet to establish. Every guy goes through a “dry spell”. We all have that two weeks when all your women were either “rolling” or were out of town, or were with their husbands! To counter the possibilities of insanity, sometimes, a man does what he needs to do. Sometimes, the call of nature overwhelms you and you make a connection with the Vaseline!

As I have taken it upon myself to offer solutions to all of men’s problems, I put together a group of women to advise men on how it should be done. The full and detailed results can be found on the site www.stupidwankmachine.co.ke and some of the highlights of this report to be published in a leading journal I will detail here.

The Visual Wank Bank

Have you ever been alone and your mind strayed to a hot and stunning woman you’d had the pleasure of seeing but not greeting? That my friend, is your wank bank calling you to duty. Guys, you should take it upon yourself to always store these images for a “rainy” day. Ever wondered how it’d be to shag your neighbor’s househelp? Well… look at her as she’s all wet doing laundry and store in your most sacred place. When your dry spell hits, then my friend, kindly make a withdrawal from your visual wank bank and in a matter of minutes, you are sorted!

The No Chance In Hell Experience

Everytime she moves and sways, you know you want her. Her beauty, elegance and style all have your jaw dropping to the ground. Now, instead of making a fool of yourself by approaching this creature of greatness, with whom you stand no chance with, treasure those moments you see her for they may just soon…very soon…come in-pardon the pun-HANDy. And as the saying goes, “a bird in hand, is worth two in the bush”. So, you’ve got all you need to have lasting memories of your jaw dropping crush!

The Jug-asaurus Rex Experience

Now…it is said that some creatures called dinosaurs once roamed the face of our planet. Well…those creatures need not be long gone my friends. Have you ever seen a woman whose breasts were you felt were talking to you? Ever seen a pair of twins that you just wanted to reach out and grab? Well, if you have, then you have come across a creature I call The Jug-asuarus Rex!

When in your own comfort, the pillow often gives good…GREAT company. So take the leap and talk to those bosoms. Tell them all you wanted to say and feel free to get naughty and freaky with them!

Impossible is Nothing

Its not just an add my friends. Impossible really is nothing. Guys, when in your own comforts, just put the impossible together. J-lo’s booty, Rihhana’s face,Beyonce’s body… Mariah’s twins. Yeah…who said life is harsh. Life is just that sweet people. Make it special and throw in Ciara’s moves and you’ll know what I mean.

The Cassava Effect

It is a well known fact that all cassavas have the same skin. It is also a commonly known fact that not all cassavas taste the same. Guys, we all know that girlfriends and wives don’t like “mixing things up”. When alone and in need of self gratitude, don’t pat yourself on the back. NOPE… go ahead and do what you need to do. Mix things up. Shake it up. Make it memorable and pleasant. Take senior in your hands and tell him “today, its just me and you…you are in for a ride of your life!”. Mix up the art. Don’t just do it. Do it good. Don’t just get it over and done with. As itr is, the girlfriend is already getting it over and done with after which she says “nifunike ukimaliza”! surely…when you are treating yourself..make it count!

Ladies, we know that you know when a man has visited “palm springs”. Do not take offence. He is just supplementing his need with a little self drive. Its not that you aint enough for him…its just that every so often, a man needs his peace and his space. Do not think of life as black or white…think of his “handling of himself” as that grey area. As I always wisely say, “if sex is a tool of communication, then masturbation is just a way of talking to oneself”! My good and kind ladies, would you rather your man is in constant “communication” with other women or would you rather every so often, he has a conversation involving his right hand and overheard by Miss Vaseline. Well…my point is proven!

P.S One year ago today, I started this blog…many thought that with time, I’d find my sanity. I’m glad to have proven them wrong! Happy Blog-versarry to me!

Blow For Blow: Toss A Coin And Get HEAD

Just BLOW

“But man I ain?t never seen an ass like hers

That pussy in my mouth had me at a loss for words

I told her to back it up like burp burp

And make that ass jump like shczerp shczerp

And that?s when she said I’m lick like a lollipop

(Oh yeah I like that)

She said l-l-lick like a lollipop

(Oh yeah I like that)

She said lick like a lollipop

(Oh yeah I like that)

Shawty said like a lollipop”

Lollipop- Lil Wayne

If there’s something I admire about beer, is its ability to help men get laid. Rich, poor, cute or ugly… men have for years gotten laid as a result of buying a woman a drink or two. It’s the fastest working aphrodisiac! I want any dude over the age of 25 to dare deny ever benefiting from alcohol induced randiness! If you claim to never have been a beneficiary, then my friend, you truly are a man…you are a well trained, well conditioned LIAR! Yaani, you lie even without prompting! Dude, you are good! Back to matters at hand… Since the advent of “blue movies”, men have been well… “Experimenting”. “Blue movies” was what porn was called back in the day…pre-internet days. Fast forward 2010 and we are getting porn on our phones…the downside however, is that women are increasingly finding themselves receiving strange requests! The most basic of requests nowadays is HEAD!

Now, I was with a friend of mine in the local recently, and he told me how he’d been begging his wife to perform “oral interviews” on him… For years, she’d refused… totally said no to the idea and thought. 1st January 2010 however…the Mrs was rather inebriated and decided to fulfil her hubby’s wish… Now at this point, my good friend bowed his head and went on to narrate the agony and pain he felt during this ordeal! What was meant to be a calming and relaxing “interview” turned up to be one of the most agonizing ordeals of his life. His ordeal got me thinking… I honestly don’t expect to find a woman who isn’t going to give me head nowadays, and I expect a commanding performance from her when she does it! I expect her to take charge of matters to the very end! Being Raymond, I can say here and proudly so that I have received my fair share of head…I may have received some other guy’s share as well…but I think women need a good lesson on how to blow a man’s trumpet! Very few have mastered the art…the beautiful art no less… of oral sex.

I assembled a team recently for my first ever panel of experts that was 100% feminine. We all know how female lawyers are, so they were obviously the majority in the panel. The panel was tasked with putting together the types of “oral interviews” that are performed. For full listing, please visit www.youaintgettingthat.co.ke . I will only delve into a few here…

1- The Grinder

This for men is the most painful, most agonizing and most traumatizing experience that one can subject his penis to. Outside circumcision that is. Guys, if you have received head from a 19 year old mama, then you know what I’m talking about. It feel like someone is twisting, biting and rolling “the boss” in the name of pleasure. Even worse is when they get overly enthusiastic and believe they are doing a wonderful job and get carried away! Guys, you are the experiment and I ask here that you take one for the team. It is based on your pain that she perfects her art! Take one for the team dudes. But do mention that TEETH ARE A NO!

2- The Balloon.

Now, ladies…This is where you interpret the word “blow job” literally, and you blow you cheeks to form some sort of balloon or bubble. Of course it is better treatment than the “grinder” but it is absolutely no good! This should not even be classified as “Oral Interview”. All she does is blow her own mouth and there’s almost no sensation. This is boring and should be discouraged by all even in the highest levels of government! It is a total waste of time and a waste of a good hard on! Ladies, put in some effort… At least the “grinder” mama was learning, but you have no excuse. You are obviously a seasoned performer and to(mis)treat a man in this manner is totally inexcusable! Apologize if you do this and have the decency to throw some tongue in next time and stop literally blowing hot air!

3- The Good Kind

What is good head? Well, this is where the lady puts in effort…she has gotten rid of the teeth, and is now using her tongue. It takes practice to master this art and so if you get good head, then chances the mama has some decent mileage on her… however, any dude will tell you that this is a mind blowing experience. It is almost incomparable to any other act… you’ll not know whether to hold your waist, hold your head, hold her head…you’ll feel a certain…bliss and quiver going up and down your body! If you are getting this kind of head, then dude has no reason whatsoever to cheat!

4- The GREAT KIND

Now is the kind of head that one gets once in a long while… this “oral performance” leaves a man wondering whether he is still conscious. This is where “Oral Interviews” as per item number 3 are performed and then extras are added. Think about this way… you get good head, with some serious benefits. I’m talking about objects being randomly shoved rear side, i’m talking about good head and perfect handling of the nuts… I am talking about the kind of head where even the mama isn’t too sure of exactly what she’s doing… somehow her tongue seems to twist and twirl… something happens as you are getting good head that makes it great head! People, when she’s done, you won’t be sure if you are going or coming. You’ll get diminished capacity to think and experience numbness throughout your body! When she’s done… your outlook of life shall forever be changed and in a good way!

Ladies, its time you all upped your game. I say unto you… be the change between good head and great head. Blow glad tidings my way. Blow the winds of change. I hope this blow by blow account will help ladies give good head. I am available for practice sessions! All I do nowadays though… is toss a coin, and voila… I ALWAYS GET HEAD!  Do I hear guys saying THANK YOU RAYMOND!!!

Source: www.raymondchepkwony.wordpress.com

Raymond Vs Ellen- This Is WAR

“[Rihanna:] 
Sad and it’s not fair how you take advantage of the fact that I 
Love you beyond the reason why 
And it just ain’t right 
 
[Ne-Yo:] 
And I hate how much I love you girl 
I can’t stand how much I need you 
And I hate how much I love you girl 
But I just can’t let you go 
But I hate that I love you so 
 
[Both:] 
One of these days maybe your magic won’t affect me 
And your kiss won’t make me weak 
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me 
So you’ll probably always have a spell on me…”

Hate That I Love You- Rihanna Feat. Ne-Yo 

For far too long, women have mistaken the influence of the “boy’s club” as a negative dent to their love lives. Its always been easy for women to pick on the boys as an explanation for all that is going wrong in their twisted little romance of a life they call a marriage. Women, why do you have to place the blame for your hubby or boyfriend going astray on the boys? Something I also wonder about… why do women normally pick on one of the boys and blame him for all that is going wrong in their lives? http://raymondchepkwony.wordpress.com

9 out of 10 “the boys” are single and still think the boyish/player mentality is cool and should be bragged about. What’s not cool is the influence it has on the poor married guy that has to go back home to the slightly overweight wife in a smelly headscarf, pink robe and fluffy slippers while “the boys” return to the random hot chick of the night wearing the sexy black lingerie. That whole grass is greener on the other side comes into play because the boys flaunt their freedom and independence and make fun of the shackled-down guy instead of respecting his union and understanding how weak their fellow man is! And for the record, we don’t blame one of the boys for ALL that is going wrong in our lives, just ALL that is wrong with our hubby or boyfriend on account of his loser friend. His pal probably introduced him to the young girl and insisted he hook up with her just once for the hell of it. As far as that stray gene goes…we girls can straighten it out…but it’s difficult when “the boys” keep pulling him in the opposite direction. Chances are- he probably needs a new set of mature fellows. And that 1% left is probably the one other married guy whose life is just as miserable…and you know how that saying goes…misery loves company.http://vent09.blogspot.com

Recently, I was at my local watering hole… and I was surprised by a group of women who were having their infamous “chama” in the local pub! What ever happened to the boys meeting in the bar-as it’s supposed to be- and the women having their chamas in the house and eating mandazis? I long for the days I would be kicked out of the house because my Mum had chama… I knew there would be a never-ending supply of spiced up food and mandazis.. My son will apparently now grow up never knowing when his Mum has chama in the house. Ladies… please take your chama away from the local. You are infringing on my right to have a quiet “me time with the boys”.http://raymondchepkwony.wordpress.com

Basically what you’re saying is for the ladies to stay the hell out of your pub so you and the rascals can gather together and eat chama and most likely talk about us….insanity! You do realize that it’s 2009 and not the stone ages, right?  I think those days that you long for when you would be kicked out of the house had an adverse effect and most likely left a tiny dent on your head because surely you don’t expect us to quietly walk away and stop infringing on your bullshit “me time” right. We need quiet “me time” too and this can be achieved under one pub…you and the boys can sit on one side of the room and me and my fly girls will be on the other side. Besides, girls make the scene livelier!!!http://vent09.blogspot.com

Ladies, you establishing your very “girls night” stinks of angry women with nothing to do than sit around a bar, engage in a night of male bashing, and then gossip about whoever amongst you is not there that day! Why is there a need for women to try and be equal with men? Am I the only one who thinks that the modern day woman has lost her place? Next time you are with these so- called “girls” ask yourself… what would mum do. If that doesn’t get your behind in the kitchen waiting for your philandering husband… then you have childhood issues you need to sort out!http://raymondchepkwony.wordpress.com

I think all of the hanging out with the boys has knocked your senses out of wack! The only thing that stinks is coming from your stench of bitterness and denial over the fact that girls rule and boys drool. Yes, you read correctly-Girls Rule! I’m sorry to tell you my friend…you are the only Neanderthal that thinks the modern day woman has lost her place. What would mum do? Who cares, we’re not our mothers! We’re liberated, carefree, hardworking women who deserve to sit around a bar and engage in any and everything our hearts desire. Tell me, what is it that boys do when they sit around a bar? Do they not female bash, drink beers, compare conquests, and then bossip (the male term for gossip)? The only thing that’s going to get me in the kitchen is a non-philandering husband who treats me equally and shows the same respect he requires.http://vent09.blogspot.com

Guys and girls will forever have their friends… The key to a lasting relationship probably lies in respecting each others space and respecting each others friends. We will always have “crews” and we will always have friends… Good or bad. To all those considered “bad company” by wives or husbands, I say..live and enjoy the tag. For you will always be one they LOVE TO HATE!

ABOUT

Ellen Wanjiru-(http://vent09.blogspot.com)

Ellen lives and works in the Washington, DC area as a freelance writer. Her wordings on diverse topics make for a great read and showcase her versatility as a creative writer. Add her as a friend on Facebook.com/Ewrita and follow her on twitter.com/Ewrita. Apart from vent09.blogspot.com, Ellen also writes poetry @ http://thoughtsinblu.blogspot.com

Raymond Chepkwony-(http://raymondchepkwony.wordpress.com)

Raymond is Kenyan and has taken to humor writing. Though he sometimes delves on to the murky world of politics, his main forte is relationships-though he’s taken to female bashing! Add Raymond as a friend on Facebook- Ray Chepkwony and follow him on twitter @chepkwonyr

You Know I Love You… Right?

“Tell me your name
Although I know the last one
It’s funny that we’re shaking hands

(Wait a minute I know this hand…..)

It’s the same hand: I’ll hold in front of a minister
Same hand: When your having my son and his sister
I don’t mean to sound so bold and forward
But I thank you in advance”

Boys To Men- Thank You In Advance

In my short life, I can proudly say, I have gone through the experiences of all spectrums of emotions. I have Loved, I have hated, I have liked, I have adored. I have been hurt; I have been the cause of pain and anguish. I have done myself proud; I have disappointed those who thought highly of me. I have been a good man; I have been a naughty boy. All said and done, Raymond is happy with whom he is. You can be good… you can do good, or… you can pack it all up and give up. I have been all the above!

I have not always been lucky in Love… Something always didn’t match. There was always something amiss. Maybe I loved her, but she was in Love with someone else. Maybe I thought of her as a friend… she wanted more. Sometimes, I thought of her as a “shag buddy” and she thought she was in a committed exclusive relationship. With all the twists and turns that come with life, nothing could possibly have ever prepared me for what I am going through right now. As always, there is a glitch in this relationship… theirs is a cloud in this silver lining. DISTANCE!

Some six months back, Raymond would not have entertained the thought of a long distance relationship. Actually, I thought long distance relationships were meant for losers who were so clingy that they could not find someone in their vicinity to satisfy their urges! I thought Long distance relationships were meant for men who believed in sex with the bar maid and when the bar maid is off, then Vaseline and a strong right hand would do just fine! Now, I can say, I understand. I understand how one can be attracted to someone who is miles away and feel the bond of love so tight that you can’t wait for the next phone call. How do you explain a bond so good and perfect when the one you hold dear and you hold true is miles away?

To get to where I am, maybe I need to go to the start… I met this girl… we had a brilliant time together, and contrary to the norm… we did not have sex. By all means, any man would lose interest after a week. We all know men have the attention the size of their testiscles. This girl however was special. Have you ever said goodbye to someone, and the thought of them still lingers on? Well… that is how she was. Initially, it was harmless… seeing her online and saying hello, was more like meeting a pal or a colleague on the streets and stopping to ask the questions whose answers you don’t really care about. Questions like…”hello, how are you doing?” we all know that such questions are never really meant to be answered. Anyway, soon, we were discussing how our days have been. How some half brained dimwits have de-stabilised our lives… how some morons who we suspect are of a different species are messing with the constitution. That kind of thing! Before I knew it, I couldn’t help but wonder… “WHY I’m I missing this girl?”  I realized I loved her when one day I said… “I wish you were here with me….”! That statement… was mad love right there. Raymond was in love. Only that he would never have admitted it at the time.

To make sense out of the predicament I now faced, I decided to assemble my team of “eminent” persons. They have given me 100 reasons why I find myself so in Love… The full list is on my website, www.whippedassnegroe.co.ke. I will only delve into three. These three, explain it all!

1 Getting to know her

REALITY is brutal. The harsh reality of life dictates that we never really get to know the other person. First, we normally have sex and the we see how ot goes from there.what happens when you the sex out of the equation? You are left with bare knuckle openness. I guess I can say that what I got to know about her in 2 weeks, was the kind of stuff you get to know about someone after dating for two years. Their were nights when we spent on chat or on Skype till the sun rose! Nights when I’d go out, get wasted as hell, and then go back home, log on and say goodnight! This girl, I have come to know! This girl, I have come to Love.

2- Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

Theirs is a need to have that which you can’t have! Theirs is a need to touch a wall that says “wet paint” just confirm that the paint is indeed WET! My falling in Love this time round is possibly because I cannot have all of her. There will always be that missing link. That extra bit of physical longing. Theirs the desire for a hug. The desire for a kiss. That keeps me glued to her like a train on the tracks. The flame in this case is fuelled by sheer compatibility. The drive is sustained by the emotional presence and the physical absence

3- Wit, charm and character

When my panel of “eminent persons” wrote this down, I wondered what that had to do with anything! They answered… For anyone to keep a long distance relationship going, a strong sense of character from both parties is needed. A great sense of humour always comes in handy. To keep someone who is not physically with you, is Meta physically not with you either but is so emotionally connected with you is not easy. It is hard. Some charm and wit are traits that the relationship can happen. It is proof that relationships can work even when someone is away.

 

People, sometimes, we go far and wide to find the one you want to wake up next to for the rest of your life. Sometimes you find the one right next to you. Sometimes, you stumble upon the one in the middle of the night, drunk and stinking like a skunk but the moment you meet her, you know your life is forever changed. Sometimes you have to stop looking and the cynic in you may just be blown away by a helpless romantic heart. Sometimes though… you have to work to get love right. And when you finally get the perfect fit, you do not want to let go, for by letting go, you forever know that you will be scarred and the thought of an eternity spent without her, is the thought of the devil hosting the winter Olympics.

I guess we love for different reasons. Maybe it’s the need to belong. For some it’s to fulfil a longing. For others, it’s because they want someone who can just tag along. Some even get into relationships because they are a tit bit forlorn. Some are in relationships because time is too far gone to get a chance at true love. Others just string people along. However, real and lasting love you will one day find, in the heart of someone you never thought existed. If Raymond could fall in love, then people, there is hope! There is HOPE!

One Knee?? NEVER! Proposals for Dummies!

“I’ll be your dream
I’ll be your wish
I’ll be your fantasy.
I’ll be your hope
I’ll be your love
Be everything that you need.
I love you more with every breath
Truly madly deeply do..
I will be strong I will be faithful
‘Cos I’m counting on a new beginning.
A reason for living.
A deeper meaning”

Savage Garden -Truly Madly Deeply.

When Raymond tells you that he always get the news first.. Don’t doubt him. He DOES get the NEWS FIRST! This is all courtesy of my friends in all the relevant low places. My latest acquisition is an original scanned copy of the Draft Constitution. Let’s just say, I know someone, who mops a certain corridor and is having a relationship with someone who mans a photocopy machine at the constitution review offices! When I got the draft, I first assembled a team of the finest and most crooked lawyers I could find-that was really easy-and they combed through it and people…my good people, why should you read it when Raymond has already read it? His detailed findings as compiled by my team of crooked constitution experts can be found on my ever so reliable website www.youarestillanidiot.co.ke

Guys, you’ve been dating a mama for dog gone years. Your folks and extended clan have been pressuring you to get married. You have been wondering why you should get married in the first place. Where’s the sense in buying a cow, when you get the milk for free anyway? Mama has also been making all sorts of hints which you are either too daft to get, or you intentionally ignore. The number of weddings you are dragged to has increased. The number of “sudden” visits by her mother have more than doubled, and you discover that she’s got your mother’s number on speed dial. So.. you do what any man in your tight corner does… PROPOSE TO HER! This has been a stumbling block for many men. How do you propose? How do you go about popping the all important question? My friends, my team of laymen comprised of highly acclaimed morons, idiots and misfits-all of who are the best in their respective fields- have made a compilation of what they now call “Proposals For Dummies!”

You realize that making a proposal is exactly like writing a draft constitution. Your life as you know it, is about to change! How do you write the first chapter of this proposed draft constitution? How does a man give up all executive powers like walking naked in his bachelor pad, having guests walk in at weird hours… you now will have a Prime minister who will have sweeping powers in the soon to be power sharing house you will call a home! A sticky issue is the number of ministers proposed. How many kids do you want? Or is she one of those broody types who will pop them as if sent by god to single handedly populate the planet! My good friends, Raymond cannot guide you in everything, but I hereby present to you, as established by my laymen… “Proposals for Dummies”. This is the Ultimate way of asking her to marry you. Choose one of the ways and you’ll be alright. The constitution making process will be smooth sailing for you. I know… how would the world be without Raymond?

1- In The Kitchen.

She’s in the Kitchen doing the dishes after cooking a meal for the gods. This is the perfect time to propose. From the living room, just say the following words… “Honey… how do you fancy doing my dishes for the rest of our lives?” In all intends and purposes.. women, that is a proposal. That is the man’s way of asking you to be his wife. Don’t be rude and start yelling your lungs out at the cheap geezer. Give him an honest answer. After all, you’ve been nudging him for the last two years. Just say..”That’s a good idea. I’d really love that…” to mean YES. Or just say..”you stupid idiot!” That will count as a NO! Of course to leave no doubt, the one track mind of a man will have one answer regardless of your YES or NO answer… “OKAY!” and back to his newspaper he will go.

2- In A Restaurant

You’ve gone for a classy date… candle lit dinner, Wine. Today you even went the extra mile and used a fork and a knife. You didn’t ask the waiters to bring you “maji ya kunawa, na ulete ka pilipili!” You are on your best behavior. Once the meal is done… guys, this is the point you pop the question… “Honey, I really enjoyed the meal. How do you fancy spending the rest of your life learning how to make me food just like that!”. Guys, as a general rule, when you are doing this…. Make sure you have extra padding under your shirt and make sure you did not drink earlier. Your reflexes need to be in good working condition. She can either… Throw a plate, a knife and fork at you.. or she will say..”That’s a great idea. I start cooking classes next week. I’d really love that…” that means YES!

3- You Might As Well

She is three months pregnant. What do you do? You propose of course. How do you propose? This is the easiest proposal to make. Just wait one morning, as she leaves the shower and grabs a towel, just ask say the following words to her… “honey..” yes..be a gentleman..always start with HONEY..”since you spend so much time here..why not make it a permanent move?” Well… The answer to that question is likely to have you explaining to your boss how you fell and hit yourself on the a chair that day. A pregnant woman and her emotions are really no joke. BUT… It will count as a proposal and she’ll call you midway through your day saying YES.

I’m sure women are wondering why I am suggesting such radical measures. Ladies… for too long, men have been influenced into doing the wrong thing by the Cuendos of this world. When a man goes down on one knee, he is forever weak. He is forever looked down upon and the marriage will have the woman wearing the trousers. The guy will soon find himself washing dishes and the woman will be making ludicrous demands in the name of equal rights. This I can no longer watch on the sidelines and allow to happen. My brothers, its time we took action. Its time we reclaimed our machismo back in our lives. Its time for us to be all macho about even the most life changing moments of our lives!

FINALLY… people, its been great writing and advising you. Unfortunately, this may be my LAST post. I am going for a job interview kesho at a leading security company. I will be in charge of the “Major Heist Division…” Over the last three or so months, they’ve somehow managed to “lose” close to 200MILLION. I’ll retire in 6 months and move to Brazil, and change my name to Raymondo or Raymondinho!

Of ATMs, Women and Irrelevant Questions

“Don’t speak
I know just what you’re saying
So please stop explaining
Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts
Don’t speak
I know what you’re thinking
I don’t need your reasons
Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts”

No Doubt- Don’t Speak

My local pub has been a source of great inspiration, great hangovers and great anguish! The problem with the local is that they always seem to tempt you to have that “one more”. Being in and around the hood, and extension of much needed credit facilities, the local is a big favorite for many! The other day I decided to pop in and say hello to the peeps. After the three white caps, I felt like a man who owned the world… Six White Caps later, I got the feeling that I really didn’t give a darn who owned the world! I couldn’t care less. My wise, white cap propelled mind now told me to dash to the ATM and make a quick withdrawal. It is during one’s rather drunken nature, that you feel really sharp. I can forget my own name, forget where I live, but somehow, my ATM Pin number is something I never forget. I keyed in the correct PIN and got the window showing options available to me. A rather peculiar option was availed to me. “Balance Inquiry”! I wondered why on earth this machine was asking me questions I really didn’t want answered! So, I did not bother to enquire how much I really didn’t have in my Account and withdrew just enough for me to have another few of my favorite liquid. As I staggered home, it occurred to me that women are a lot like that ATM machine… Key in the right PIN and you’ll make a withdrawal. The options available really depend on the investment already put in… Then, the QUESTIONS!

Why is it that women have the most irrelevant questions which for one, you really don’t feel like answering, two, the questions don’t have a right or wrong answer and three, if you answer truthfully it comes out as a lie, and if you lie, it comes out as gospel truth! I always ask myself, do women REALY want to know the answers to some of the questions they ask? Exactly what’s going on in their minds as they ask these questions?? Can someone please give me a detailed guide of which questions are rhetoric, which questions are to be answered honestly, and which ones should I just tell outright lies about! Guys, being the generous person that I am… I assembled a team of experts to make sense of the questions women have been asking since time in memorial. For years, the answers have been elusive. Now.. I present to you, the listing of questions you are most likely to be asked and most importantly, the APPROPRIATE answers you should give. Details of my committee of experts can be found as ever in my website www.kweliwewenifala.co.ke.

1- Who Is That?

Have you ever been within the company of a drop dead gorgeous mama, only for your better to show up? Theirs that joke you normally save for “special occasions” and today, you decided was a “special occasion” so you told this beauty standing in front of you, the number 1 joke you have in yourself. As she’s laughing whole heartedly, her arm on your shoulder, her eyes on yours… that’s the time the better half decides to make an appearance. You don’t notice her until she’s right next to you. Of course you introduce her, and then you say goodbye to the gorgeous mama you were with and take off with the better half. Barely thirty seconds later, the question will certainly and surely be asked… “Who is that?” brother, the truth is…the mama is probably your colleague or your neighbor. You’ve got her number but you know she’s way out of your league. You’ve accepted that you are friends. Period. Only a half brained, good for nothing dude will have the courage to say the truth! The lie that you should give at ALL TIMES should be something along the lines of “that’s a mama who has had a thing for me since last year. I’ve told her I am with someone I well and truly Love. Its great you met her today so that she can know for sure that I can only be with you”! Memorise those words until you can say them in your sleep. They will ultimately be your “escape lines”

2- Who Were You With?

A story is told of how a mama didn’t go home to the husband one night. The following day, she shows up at around 10:00 am and the husband asks where she was. Not satisfied with the answer from his Mrs, he calls ten of her closest friends. NONE of them say that they were with her. They basically all let her hang out to dry! A few weeks later, the husband this time, pulls an all nighter with a clande. When he gets home, the wife is fuming and is going insane. He gives some story and the wife not satisfied with the answer, call his ten closest friends. Of the ten, EIGHT say they were with him and he slept on their couches. TWO have the audacity to say “He is still here, but he’s blacked out on my couch!”.

Moral of my story? Guys will always stand up for each other. We may have issues with keeping our story straight, but we stand up for each other. Always be sure to tell at least TWO dudes that you will be a ghost visitor in their couch that night. NEVER ever in your sane mind say exactly who you were with and who whoever you were with, were with! You may just be blowing someone’s cover. Maybe the dude is meant to be in Moyale and he’s parambulating around with a spanky 23 year old with moves like a gymnast and morals of an alley cat!

3- What are you doing?

Studies reveal that this question will be asked time and time again until you feel pulling your hair out. The best policy here… HONESTY. Tell the gospel truth of what you are doing. Bore her half to death and back with irrelevant and minute details of otherwise drab life. Example, if mama calls you and you are in traffic. Please spare no detail. Go on in great lenghth about the twenty white Toyotas infront of you, the blue Volkswagen, and the overzealous traffic cop. Next time she calls and you are watching a guy kind of movie… something with lots of blood, do not hesitate to give her all the gory details. Make her regret the reason she bothered to call. If you are in a bar, discourage her from coming to wherever you may be. Complain about the quality of service, the taste of the beer, the smoke filled room. Obviously you shouldn’t mention the small detail that you are helping women earn a living by watching them hang from poles! Anything else, is fair game. This irrelevant question will never be asked again!

4- Where is this relationship going?

Handle this question with utmost care! If you plan on getting laid, do not speak what first comes to mind. A man faced with this question is normally tempted to blurt out… “To bed for starters…” All women at some point ask this question. Whether she’s a clande or your main mama, she will ask the question “where is this relationship going?” This probably qualifies as the most annoying questions a man can ever be asked. If I say “This relationship is going nowhere… and I like it as it is”, then trust me, your sorry behind will be lit on fire and thrown off the roof of a building! If you say “I don’t know..” that only raises even more questions. The best possible answer a man can give, as crafted by our team of experts is… “This relationship is going where you want it to go, but I see a future ahead for us!”. Be as vague as possible about this so called future you refer to. Do not give any specifics. Do not give false hopes as well. Don’t make the mistake of telling her that you think the relationship is “headed down the aisle”. She will take that statement and interpret it to mean you are engaged. She will tell her friends about this new development and next thing you know, her clan is on the way to meet your people with a list of demands and a dowry payment schedule!

5- Do I look Good In This/ Do I Look Fat/ How Do You Like My Hairdo?

These questions are grouped together for good reason. They all relate to the looks department. Surely, guys, you must know by now that any negative comment about her age, weight or hair directly translates to certain rights being denied. If scientists are teaching chickens how to cross a road, then surely, you must have it figured that that a negative comment will only lead to morbid fixations from her directed your way. This is where you answer using two simple words. “YES DEAR!” Do I Look Good In This? YES DEAR! Do You Like My Hairdo? YES DEAR! Do I Look Fat? YES DEAR- and you are gone! Use your senses! Such questions should be answered accompanied by a certain look. Give her the look that says you are memorizing her body for ten year stint in prison.

A man’s mind however, can’t possibly process all the right answers to the many variations of the questions we are likely to be faced with. We for example can’t answer a question like… “Who was that I heard on the phone when I called to ask you where you were? If this relationship is going anywhere, then I want to know who she was and you think she’s better-read prettier- than me!” Faced with such a combination of questions, I suggest you DO NOT ANSWER! Anything you say WILL be used against you! Play dumb my friend. It’s your only hope! It is like my ATM machine asking me if I’d like to make a withdrawal, my balance thereafter and a follow through SMS! All I dare answer when faced with this tough choices, is press ENTER until my money comes out, tear apart the transaction slip and walk away. Like ATMs, women will always have questions with no answers relevant to man!

The Perfect Kenyan Wife

“No one be like you
See I don go different places, I’ve seen many faces
No one be like you
So they cannot replace you, coz you are a blessing
No one be like you
You driving me crazy coz you are my baby
No one be like you
No one
No one like you
One like you
No one
One like you”

P-Square- No One Be Like You

There comes a time when a man decides to settle down and get married. Ladies, there’s a big difference between the woman I want to go out and party with, and the woman I want to MARRY! Just because I have tones of fun with you, doesn’t mean I’m going to marry you! Men look for something different between a party girl and a woman who is “marriage material”! The way I see it, some women are at a distinct ADVANTAGE when it comes to being marriage material! Her TRIBE always counts for something! YES… I am going all tribal today! Men, here is the ultimate guide as to which tribe has the best “marriage material women!” I suggest all guys sit back and prepare a “raid” on a certain community, and all women, start changing your story lines and INSIST that your grandmother was from the tribe I think has the best bet for the perfect Kenyan woman.

The Kalenjin Woman.

These are women who will Love You with all their hearts and minds! They will be loyal and will accept you as the one and only! Guys, you may think this is the best… but you are so mistaken. The day she ever finds you with another woman, she will take all her kids and jump into the nearest river! They are too emotional and are not rational in their ways! They are the ultimate drama queens. Women from North Rift-Eldoret region- can not only run faster than their husbands, but they are known to be outright lazy and love the ways of the bottle a bit too much! They are famous for their love of Guinness Kubwa. Guys, if you were thinking of making in roads into Kale-land, then I’m sorry to disappoint you! Make a turn NOW before it’s too late! As for the sex… JUST MISSIONARY and you will never go experimental on her!

The Luhya Woman

Lets face it… these are the Ugali queens themselves! They will feed you on Porridge for breakfast, Ugali for Lunch and more Ugali in the evening. Only difference is that the lunch time Ugali, will be softer than the evening Ugali. They are big bodied plus sized women. Before you start packing for a trip to Kakamega, let me burst your bubble! If you marry a mama from western be prepared for the following THREE terms… 1- You must be willing to live in the same house as domestic animals like Chickens. 2- You must be willing to attend a funeral almost every weekend. Somehow, a cousin/uncle/nephew/niece pops dead every month! 3- You must be willing to indefinitely host relatives… from brothers in law, to her primary school teacher’s son’s wife!… Lughya mamas have some strange vibe about joining weird religions! They will one day wake up in the middle of the night and start casting out demons! They will then proceed to sing and chant at 3 a.m! Don’t be surprised if one day she wakes up and says she’s going with the church for a two year mission to Jerusalem! Her church-which will normally have a strange name like “House of the great kingdom of Judah” or “Nearest To Jesus Christ Church”- will say they sell all their property because god spoke to the pastor and instructed them to go for pilgrimage or that the world is ending and they should be assembled in Bethlehem or they will be left behind!

The Luo Woman.

If the quantity of sex is what matters in your life…if you like well endowed women… then this is just the one woman you might be tempted to go for! They are always willing to give it up and the booty they have on display always dazzles the eye! These women are hard working, intelligent and dress very well. If however, you are not a Luo, please stay away from her! They have a tendency to still go back to Luo Men even after they get married! They tend to be “big bodied”-lets face it…they are FAT-and they will like clubbing even in old age! They are the type you will find at the carnivore for Crunk Night on a Saturday at 2 am! They like the good life! A difference exists between the women of South Nyanza and their counterparts from Central Nyanza! If she’s from Migori Region, she’s an SDA and will wear some kitambaa on her head. She will not give up sex too often, but when she does…it’s an all night affair! From Central Nyanza, they are more flamboyant. More in your face kind of women. They are domineering and will not shy away from punching their husbands to a pulp! Unless you are a Kung-Fu master, kindly keep off! Does Conje ring a bell???

The Kikuyu Woman.

So much has been said about them I wonder if there’s little left to say! The women from Karatina are said to “sit” on their husbands! They are blocks in terms of body structure! They are very pretty on face value, but… the rest of their body is just one block! Husbands of Karatina women are said to have turned to the drink as a result of frustrations! They are the ones famous for the saying “nifunike ukimaliza!” Our own Ka-Roocay,Karua are said to hail from this region! Then comes the mama from Kiambu/Thika… My friend, marry her and have a will in place. You’ve never heard how men die in these are codes? A huge rock fell from the sky on to a brother, or he “fell” into the pit latrine… Chances of living to see old age diminish rapidly when you marry a Kiambu/Thika woman. I hear even insurance companies charge a higher premium than normal for men who’ve married kyuks from these are codes!

The Kamba Woman.

The sex these women will give you… is mind blowing! If you find a Kamba woman who has those beads on her waist, then be ready to have some mind blowing “game”! Surround sound… twists and turns… They are always ready and they’ve got a “skill set” that is unique to them! When a Kamba woman smiles, the world feels like a better place. Her voice can give you an ear-gasm! Problem is… they are “generous” beyond the confines of your marriage! They are good at what they do because of practice! Your bed will break so many times, you might as well sleep on the floor! They are not known for loyalty to their husbands. They will love whoever is available in so many ways! Do not be fooled by their harmless demeanor! If the word “Kamute” doesn’t scare you away from them, I don’t know what will!

The Coasterian Woman.

Her cooking skills will be legendary. Her beauty is unmatched. When she talks to you in that perfect Swahili, you can’t help but melt away! “Twende nikupikie wali wa mnazi…” is all she will say and your mind will be singing to her tune. Common fact though, is that beauty and brains are not best of friends. If you want a lazy mama, who is as daft as a plank of wood and who still believes that the world is flat…then go for a coast woman! Apart from keeping your house neat and tidy, she will not lift a finger-unless she’s applying Heina on her hands or gently swaying to the taarab beat!

And finally… after searching up and down the country… after months of painstaking research…results of which are found on www.youmustbeamoron.co.ke I hereby present to you…

The PERFECT WOMAN!

About ten years ago, these women came with 20 year money-back guarantee! Due to the effects of the world economic crisis, they now come with a 10 year, money-back guarantee! They are caring and loving and will go to extremes for their husbands! Those that drink, can drink you and your friends under the table and carry you home, make you a sumptuous meal and still give you some serious “you know what”! For the women from this community who do not drink, they will wait up for their husbands till whatever hour the bugger decides to crawl home. He will find food waiting, and he will be given a tongue lashing! A serious mouthful of words that can not be repeated. This is not a bad thing. The husband needs to be kept in check! His friends, who drink with him till late, will also not be spared! They will be told to leave her husband alone! She will protect her family and will do anything-almost-to please her husband. They have names that roll off the tongue sweetly. Their names are delicious to the tongue. Names like Kagwiria, Nkirote, Makena… Sweet on the tongue!

If you’ve not figured it out, then keep wondering why I’m writing my blog from Meru. I’m in the hunt for a sweet Meru woman. I’ve got Miraa and Big-G to keep me company on my hunt for the famed Meru “Ten Year Cash Back Guarantee” woman.