KATIBA BORA OR BORA KATIBA

Just VOTE

“Said said
Said I remember when we used to sit
In the government yard in Trenchtown
Oba, ob-serving the hypocrites
As they would mingle with the good people we meet
Good friends we have had, oh good friends we’ve lost along the way
In this bright future you can’t forget your past
So dry your tears I say

No woman, no cry
No woman, no cry
Oh my Little sister, don’t she’d no tears
No woman, no cry”
No Woman No Cry- Bob Marley

Its political season in Kenya again and it’s the constitution in focus AGAIN! Isn’t it amazing how we’ve managed to recycle the same old policies, bundled and packaged them differently and then called it REFORMS? This is Kenya and wonders never cease!

I have read the proposed draft constitution and for starters I must say I was disappointed. I was hoping that Kenya is renamed Eyjafjallajokull. I mean with all the political heat we are generating, and the hot air coming from every corner, I’m sure that by now we’ve formed some ash cloud. I’ve got a feeling that by the time the referendum is coming round, planes will not be flying into Kenya! People… We’ve been told over and over again that we should all read the draft and then make informed choices! Well… for the sake of my good readers, I have read the draft and even went ahead and appointed my very C.o.E (Committee of Ex-fcuks) to asses the document on my behalf. YES…my former clandes have come up with a most beautiful document that will be used to do voter mis-education. The full document can be found on www.blowinghotair.info.ke. For now… I however found the following tit bits interesting…

THE CHURCH

Isn’t it interesting how the church almost always finds a way to twist the term “African culture”? Whenever it suits them, they throw in the African Culture and they think we’ve all forgotten that until recently, things as mundane as the African drum weren’t allowed in church! Lets not even get to the “Altar boys” saga… Now… the church-one of the countries largest landowner- is dictating to its flock that they must say a big NO to the draft constitution. If I take you back a few years… I remember the former president having a rough time with the church over the issue of condoms. The former president said that he was a president of both “Christians and drunkards”. The church was quick, efficient and sharp in its response. The first corrected the former prez that the opposite of Christians wasn’t drunkards and then went ahead to bash the whole issue of condoms saying the former prez was advocating for an immoral citizenship! QUESTION… assuming we were to have had a referendum on condoms back then, which side do you think the church would’ve leaned on? How many politicians would’ve joined in the church bandwagon? YEAH… To the church, I simply say, “You have failed to read the tide and keep with the times of the ever changing population. You have your heads buried so deep in your backside that you cant see the obvious…”

ABORTION

Now…if you thought I’d become an erstwhile campaigner for YES… well, you are THINK AGAIN! I am strictly PRO CHOICE. I advocate for women’s rights. My disappointment here goes to the ever vocal FIDA. They are forever quick to jump to the fore when it comes to matters dealing with senior politicians-remember they made a name through the “baba Dennis” fiasco-but when it came to women’s rights in the constitution, they went silent! My thinking is that, the FIDA top cream thinks its well positioned politically because of the number of positions now available to women. They are silently eyeing a spot in the top echelons of government! I would’ve assumed that FIDA would’ve stood up for women’s rights as relating to matters of abortion. Instead, we’ve only heard from a bunch of men-the church-and another bunch of men-gynecologists! One reason I just might vote NO… is because abortion has not been legalized. Yes I’ve said! LEGALIZE ABORTION! How many women struggle with choices of child birth? Why bring someone into this earth that you know you cant take care of? Give the modern woman a choice. Give young girls a choice and chance. Educate them on the risks involved and the effects of abortion. Give them a good and decent choice. What we have instead, is young girls being mis advised by peers and going to back street and dingy clinics to get abortions done. I dare ask my women… ”If you want to get an abortion, would you know where to get one?” Chances are…you’ll say YES. So why again were women bullied by the church into submission? Why didn’t women put up a strong fight towards the legislation of abortion? Give women a right to choose is what I say. It may not be morally correct, but it is what it is! Why give up on this fight now? Let your voice be heard in the ballot. And by the way…the most moronic argument I’ve heard so far against the constitution is that “Just because abortion is happening, doesn’t mean we make it legal. Just because bank robberies happen, doesn’t mean we make bank robberies legal”. YOU THINK????

GAY RIGHTS

Before you think I “swing that way” let me state upfront that I play for the team with different equipment! The politicians say we are making a constitution for the generations to come. Lets face it people, as things stand NOW, the number of gays and lesbians in our country is huge. Yet, we choose to take a moral high ground and assume that they don’t exist! Well…THEY DO! Guys in the coast have been doing the bendover in the open for years. Why make gays and lesbian sound like some secret mythical society out to destroy the world? I honestly don’t give a hoot what another man like up his rear end. I don’t care what objects he is down for. I do however care, that he gets his right to insert a coke bottle if he so chooses! Besides, if we make it legal, can you imagine the number of tourists who’d come to Kenya on a gay honeymoon? And guys, think of the lesbian women who on holiday would want to experiment with a third party. All said, I agree with Eminem when he says “theirs no reason why a man and another cant elope”!

KADHI’S COURTS

How and why again is this contentious? My “Committee of Ex-fcuks” interviewed twenty Christians and none of them could pick out exactly where a Kadhi’s court in Kenya is located! So again I ask… why is it contentious?

MAKMENDE

My sources reliably inform me that Kenyans wanted “Makmenday” to be a public holiday and a national symbol! Politicians are not telling us the truth. They fear that this man spoken of in soft tones and in dark corners will eclipse them. I demand that the government calls me as Makmende’s representative and personal assistant, so that we can negotiate. I believe there is still time and that “Makmende” is a contentious issue in the draft constitution. I suggest that parliament bows to the demands of the people and immediately reconvenes to insert a “makmende” clause. Things are beginning to look rather grim. Who do you think inserted the words “NATIONAL SECURITY” in the draft published by the AG? It was Makmende…but don’t tell anyone!

My dear fellow Kenyans, it is decision time again. I however think that we assume that a new constitutional dispensation is the “Be all, end all” of all our problems. FACT is, if we cant obey simple traffic rules, if we cant obey building codes,if we still find it easier to drink, drive and bribe rather than take a taxi…then how on earth will we adopt an entirely new set of laws? A change in minds and attitudes is what is first needed. As someone once said… “Don’t first start by asking if we’ve got human rights. Start by asking if we’ve got the right humans”. My question… do we have the right kind of people in Kenya? Well… I still insist, lets first rename our country Eyjafjallajokull!

The Key, The Padlock And A Woman’s Value.

Put It In..Twist And Turn!

“You thought, you could
Keep this shit from me, yeah
Ya burnt bitch, I heard the story
Ya played me, ya even gave him head
Now ya askin for me back
Ya just another act, look elsewhere
Cuz ya done with me”

(Ef It)Don’t Want You Back- Eamon

The good news is… I am back at the local. In December I partook of alcohol on credit and so in January… I was on escape mode. However, January is gone and I am back at the local and I am surprised at the volume bad vibe I have missed out on! Seriously people… It is important to sit with the “wazees”at the local as often as possible for in so doing…you gain wisdom and you gain an indepth knowledge of “stuff” beyond the wisdom of Wikipedia. On my first visit back to the local, I chose to sit with some hotties. I had to see if they still had love for me… One hottie asked me an interesting question… “Why is it that when a man sleeps around, he is hailed as a King, and when a woman does the same… She is a WHORE!” Her words NOT MINE…but, they could’ve been mine!

Raymond is as yet to find a question he couldn’t answer. These hotties had obviously been around the block… if you catch my drift… and so they were looking for answers to soothe their bruised reputation-whatever little was left anyway-and in a way, I think they expected a gentlemanly response from me… Of course it occurred to me that by giving a soothing answer, I had a shot at a threesome… that’s a story for another day though… I told the ladies I’d give them an appropriate response at an appropriate time. I hereby submit my appropriate response to them.

I once had a padlock that was called “ORIV”. Now, we all know the original padlocks are called “VIRO”. Now this padlock was the most takataka padlock ever. Seriously speaking, I could use a Tri-Cycle key to open the darned thing. Whenever I slotted in a Solex key… Open Sesame…whenever I used a car Key… Open Sesame. It was such a bad padlock that it got to a point I really didn’t have to use a key anymore. All I needed to do was just gently pull the padlock and it’d snap open in an instant!

Let me take you a few years back… way way back to my High School days! Now, I had this key that opened many lockers. This key ensured that I never starved to death and I owe my rugby playing body heavily to that key. Now, because I was able to open other people’s lockers, I had access to other people’s stash of chapos and junk food! I know some of my mates are going to kill me…but I was touched by the word today and had to let it out! Its been a burden carrying the secret with me-Okay, I just lied-but either way… I managed to survive four years of high school with relative ease! Thanks to my super KEY.

Now, I hope you don’t think I was telling the above two stories for no good reason. Here is where the cookie crumbles… read on my people…

When you have a Key that opens everywhere… that magical key should be used to open as many padlocks as possible. Use it to open bank vaults if you so wish. We will honour you and your key. However, should you have a padlock that is pried open with ease by any key, then let’s face it people…that padlock really has no value. It is only good for temporary relief and you can only use it in case of emergencies. Sometimes, when you can’t find your Solex padlock… or your steel enforced padlock, then you have to resort to your temporary ORIV padlock…but you shouldn’t at anytime be fooled or duped into using that padlock as a permanent solution to a temporary solution. You will suffer the indignity of having your padlock opened by the multitudes that may choose to do so!

People… A man is a lot like the KEY! If a key opens many padlocks, it is referred to as a “MASTER KEY”. A woman is a lot like the Padlock. You see, when a man is meant to go on to the world and open as many padlocks as he possibly can. It is a man’s quest to become the ultimate MASTER KEY. It is on the other hand… the ultimate quest for a woman to become the Enforced Padlock… only opening a limited few and select keys… Men will always try to outdo each other… see whose key opens the most doors…whose key is bigger. The competitions are endless. Men even compete on weird twisted levels like whose key can open big padlocks, married padlocks… at the end of the day; we all need to face the reality. It is a man’s duty if not calling to behave like a padlock. It is his primary goal in life to wiggle into and twist in and out of as many padlocks as he possibly can. A woman however, has to ensure that as few keys as possible turn her padlock! It is in being rarely pried open that a padlock gets its worth! A padlock’s worth can be directly attributed to the number of keys out there that can open it! The fewer the keys, the more valuable the padlock is! FACT OF LIFE…

Now, if you’ve not gotten the moral of my Key and Padlock tales, well, I kindly suggest that you log on to www.dumbass.co.ke. I have a full and detailed analysis of the theory there. For now, let me sign off. Raymond has a padlock to open…and that padlock claims to be brand new, but from the look of it and the ease to which it has accepted my offer to open, I think it is more of an ORIV type padlock rather the Solex I am accustomed to. Drastic times however, call for more than drastic measures!

Follow me on twitter-chepkwonyr and on facebook-Ray Chepkwony

Raymond Vs Ellen- This Is WAR

“[Rihanna:] 
Sad and it’s not fair how you take advantage of the fact that I 
Love you beyond the reason why 
And it just ain’t right 
 
[Ne-Yo:] 
And I hate how much I love you girl 
I can’t stand how much I need you 
And I hate how much I love you girl 
But I just can’t let you go 
But I hate that I love you so 
 
[Both:] 
One of these days maybe your magic won’t affect me 
And your kiss won’t make me weak 
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me 
So you’ll probably always have a spell on me…”

Hate That I Love You- Rihanna Feat. Ne-Yo 

For far too long, women have mistaken the influence of the “boy’s club” as a negative dent to their love lives. Its always been easy for women to pick on the boys as an explanation for all that is going wrong in their twisted little romance of a life they call a marriage. Women, why do you have to place the blame for your hubby or boyfriend going astray on the boys? Something I also wonder about… why do women normally pick on one of the boys and blame him for all that is going wrong in their lives? http://raymondchepkwony.wordpress.com

9 out of 10 “the boys” are single and still think the boyish/player mentality is cool and should be bragged about. What’s not cool is the influence it has on the poor married guy that has to go back home to the slightly overweight wife in a smelly headscarf, pink robe and fluffy slippers while “the boys” return to the random hot chick of the night wearing the sexy black lingerie. That whole grass is greener on the other side comes into play because the boys flaunt their freedom and independence and make fun of the shackled-down guy instead of respecting his union and understanding how weak their fellow man is! And for the record, we don’t blame one of the boys for ALL that is going wrong in our lives, just ALL that is wrong with our hubby or boyfriend on account of his loser friend. His pal probably introduced him to the young girl and insisted he hook up with her just once for the hell of it. As far as that stray gene goes…we girls can straighten it out…but it’s difficult when “the boys” keep pulling him in the opposite direction. Chances are- he probably needs a new set of mature fellows. And that 1% left is probably the one other married guy whose life is just as miserable…and you know how that saying goes…misery loves company.http://vent09.blogspot.com

Recently, I was at my local watering hole… and I was surprised by a group of women who were having their infamous “chama” in the local pub! What ever happened to the boys meeting in the bar-as it’s supposed to be- and the women having their chamas in the house and eating mandazis? I long for the days I would be kicked out of the house because my Mum had chama… I knew there would be a never-ending supply of spiced up food and mandazis.. My son will apparently now grow up never knowing when his Mum has chama in the house. Ladies… please take your chama away from the local. You are infringing on my right to have a quiet “me time with the boys”.http://raymondchepkwony.wordpress.com

Basically what you’re saying is for the ladies to stay the hell out of your pub so you and the rascals can gather together and eat chama and most likely talk about us….insanity! You do realize that it’s 2009 and not the stone ages, right?  I think those days that you long for when you would be kicked out of the house had an adverse effect and most likely left a tiny dent on your head because surely you don’t expect us to quietly walk away and stop infringing on your bullshit “me time” right. We need quiet “me time” too and this can be achieved under one pub…you and the boys can sit on one side of the room and me and my fly girls will be on the other side. Besides, girls make the scene livelier!!!http://vent09.blogspot.com

Ladies, you establishing your very “girls night” stinks of angry women with nothing to do than sit around a bar, engage in a night of male bashing, and then gossip about whoever amongst you is not there that day! Why is there a need for women to try and be equal with men? Am I the only one who thinks that the modern day woman has lost her place? Next time you are with these so- called “girls” ask yourself… what would mum do. If that doesn’t get your behind in the kitchen waiting for your philandering husband… then you have childhood issues you need to sort out!http://raymondchepkwony.wordpress.com

I think all of the hanging out with the boys has knocked your senses out of wack! The only thing that stinks is coming from your stench of bitterness and denial over the fact that girls rule and boys drool. Yes, you read correctly-Girls Rule! I’m sorry to tell you my friend…you are the only Neanderthal that thinks the modern day woman has lost her place. What would mum do? Who cares, we’re not our mothers! We’re liberated, carefree, hardworking women who deserve to sit around a bar and engage in any and everything our hearts desire. Tell me, what is it that boys do when they sit around a bar? Do they not female bash, drink beers, compare conquests, and then bossip (the male term for gossip)? The only thing that’s going to get me in the kitchen is a non-philandering husband who treats me equally and shows the same respect he requires.http://vent09.blogspot.com

Guys and girls will forever have their friends… The key to a lasting relationship probably lies in respecting each others space and respecting each others friends. We will always have “crews” and we will always have friends… Good or bad. To all those considered “bad company” by wives or husbands, I say..live and enjoy the tag. For you will always be one they LOVE TO HATE!

ABOUT

Ellen Wanjiru-(http://vent09.blogspot.com)

Ellen lives and works in the Washington, DC area as a freelance writer. Her wordings on diverse topics make for a great read and showcase her versatility as a creative writer. Add her as a friend on Facebook.com/Ewrita and follow her on twitter.com/Ewrita. Apart from vent09.blogspot.com, Ellen also writes poetry @ http://thoughtsinblu.blogspot.com

Raymond Chepkwony-(http://raymondchepkwony.wordpress.com)

Raymond is Kenyan and has taken to humor writing. Though he sometimes delves on to the murky world of politics, his main forte is relationships-though he’s taken to female bashing! Add Raymond as a friend on Facebook- Ray Chepkwony and follow him on twitter @chepkwonyr

You Know I Love You… Right?

“Tell me your name
Although I know the last one
It’s funny that we’re shaking hands

(Wait a minute I know this hand…..)

It’s the same hand: I’ll hold in front of a minister
Same hand: When your having my son and his sister
I don’t mean to sound so bold and forward
But I thank you in advance”

Boys To Men- Thank You In Advance

In my short life, I can proudly say, I have gone through the experiences of all spectrums of emotions. I have Loved, I have hated, I have liked, I have adored. I have been hurt; I have been the cause of pain and anguish. I have done myself proud; I have disappointed those who thought highly of me. I have been a good man; I have been a naughty boy. All said and done, Raymond is happy with whom he is. You can be good… you can do good, or… you can pack it all up and give up. I have been all the above!

I have not always been lucky in Love… Something always didn’t match. There was always something amiss. Maybe I loved her, but she was in Love with someone else. Maybe I thought of her as a friend… she wanted more. Sometimes, I thought of her as a “shag buddy” and she thought she was in a committed exclusive relationship. With all the twists and turns that come with life, nothing could possibly have ever prepared me for what I am going through right now. As always, there is a glitch in this relationship… theirs is a cloud in this silver lining. DISTANCE!

Some six months back, Raymond would not have entertained the thought of a long distance relationship. Actually, I thought long distance relationships were meant for losers who were so clingy that they could not find someone in their vicinity to satisfy their urges! I thought Long distance relationships were meant for men who believed in sex with the bar maid and when the bar maid is off, then Vaseline and a strong right hand would do just fine! Now, I can say, I understand. I understand how one can be attracted to someone who is miles away and feel the bond of love so tight that you can’t wait for the next phone call. How do you explain a bond so good and perfect when the one you hold dear and you hold true is miles away?

To get to where I am, maybe I need to go to the start… I met this girl… we had a brilliant time together, and contrary to the norm… we did not have sex. By all means, any man would lose interest after a week. We all know men have the attention the size of their testiscles. This girl however was special. Have you ever said goodbye to someone, and the thought of them still lingers on? Well… that is how she was. Initially, it was harmless… seeing her online and saying hello, was more like meeting a pal or a colleague on the streets and stopping to ask the questions whose answers you don’t really care about. Questions like…”hello, how are you doing?” we all know that such questions are never really meant to be answered. Anyway, soon, we were discussing how our days have been. How some half brained dimwits have de-stabilised our lives… how some morons who we suspect are of a different species are messing with the constitution. That kind of thing! Before I knew it, I couldn’t help but wonder… “WHY I’m I missing this girl?”  I realized I loved her when one day I said… “I wish you were here with me….”! That statement… was mad love right there. Raymond was in love. Only that he would never have admitted it at the time.

To make sense out of the predicament I now faced, I decided to assemble my team of “eminent” persons. They have given me 100 reasons why I find myself so in Love… The full list is on my website, www.whippedassnegroe.co.ke. I will only delve into three. These three, explain it all!

1 Getting to know her

REALITY is brutal. The harsh reality of life dictates that we never really get to know the other person. First, we normally have sex and the we see how ot goes from there.what happens when you the sex out of the equation? You are left with bare knuckle openness. I guess I can say that what I got to know about her in 2 weeks, was the kind of stuff you get to know about someone after dating for two years. Their were nights when we spent on chat or on Skype till the sun rose! Nights when I’d go out, get wasted as hell, and then go back home, log on and say goodnight! This girl, I have come to know! This girl, I have come to Love.

2- Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

Theirs is a need to have that which you can’t have! Theirs is a need to touch a wall that says “wet paint” just confirm that the paint is indeed WET! My falling in Love this time round is possibly because I cannot have all of her. There will always be that missing link. That extra bit of physical longing. Theirs the desire for a hug. The desire for a kiss. That keeps me glued to her like a train on the tracks. The flame in this case is fuelled by sheer compatibility. The drive is sustained by the emotional presence and the physical absence

3- Wit, charm and character

When my panel of “eminent persons” wrote this down, I wondered what that had to do with anything! They answered… For anyone to keep a long distance relationship going, a strong sense of character from both parties is needed. A great sense of humour always comes in handy. To keep someone who is not physically with you, is Meta physically not with you either but is so emotionally connected with you is not easy. It is hard. Some charm and wit are traits that the relationship can happen. It is proof that relationships can work even when someone is away.

 

People, sometimes, we go far and wide to find the one you want to wake up next to for the rest of your life. Sometimes you find the one right next to you. Sometimes, you stumble upon the one in the middle of the night, drunk and stinking like a skunk but the moment you meet her, you know your life is forever changed. Sometimes you have to stop looking and the cynic in you may just be blown away by a helpless romantic heart. Sometimes though… you have to work to get love right. And when you finally get the perfect fit, you do not want to let go, for by letting go, you forever know that you will be scarred and the thought of an eternity spent without her, is the thought of the devil hosting the winter Olympics.

I guess we love for different reasons. Maybe it’s the need to belong. For some it’s to fulfil a longing. For others, it’s because they want someone who can just tag along. Some even get into relationships because they are a tit bit forlorn. Some are in relationships because time is too far gone to get a chance at true love. Others just string people along. However, real and lasting love you will one day find, in the heart of someone you never thought existed. If Raymond could fall in love, then people, there is hope! There is HOPE!

Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past.

“Ulinitesa sana
Sababu nilikupenda wajua
Kijijini kwa bibi Kigoma
Iliniuma sana
Mimi leo niko Dar
Aliniyenipenda nishamuoa
Je wataka kumjua jina?
Aitwa Cinderella
Rudi home wewe
Rudi nyumbani
Wasalimie Kigoma
Waambie nishao”

Ali Kiba- Cinderella

Recently, I had the pleasure to indulge in a hearty chat over a White Cap courtesy of an idiot I call a friend. This man, whose name I shall not disclose, has had his fair share, actually, he’s had his share and like the share of five other guy’s in terms of mamas. As we were chatting and the White Cap was beginning to set in, he made a comment that stuck to my mind. I remember him stating a FACT. “Men have problems, women just have issues!”

It is a well known fact that when it comes to cases of the ex girlfriend, men never really let go. Women have this thing of “moving on” and “closure”. This my good people, does not exist. The only time Raymond has found this so called “closure” has been on Oprah!  The reality is different. Men will always have a way of going back to the scene of many crimes. THAT’S A PROBLEM! Women, well… They move on and they find this so called closure… Only to willingly have a one night sex romp with an ex. THAT’S AN ISSUE! The reason it is an issue is because, she will then spend weeks agonizing as to whether or not the sex meant anything. As to whether or not, there was meaning in the drunken entanglement! A dude, will only regret his actions… actually, he will NOT regret his actions. He will feel a tinge of guilt when he has to explain to his current how he spent the night in Johnnie’s couch because Johnnie felt he was too drunk to drive home!…

Back to my good friend of many women… The reason my good friend always gets laid, has remained the fact that he manages to “keep in touch” with the past. He blames it all on his History teacher who apparently did a very good job with him. He was taught never to forget the past. Without the past, there is no future he says. His system, I find to be very admirable. I took it upon myself to assemble a group of some of Kenya’s finest men in which they took part in a survey to establish whether or not, a “return to a crime scene” normally leads to “another crime”. The full results as always can be found on the respected and widely quoted website www.shenzitype.co.ke.

People, today I have the honor of presenting to you, the methodology required to successfully move on… Women, I ask that you read carefully. The steps taken, I know have probably caused most of you sleepless nights as you tossed and turned thinking about your “issues”! This method, has been tried, tested and been found to be EFFECTIVE in returning to a “crime scene”.

STEP 1- Emotional Blackmail.

Guys, theirs this mama you dated a while back and for some reason you decided to end things. The easiest way to get her to have sex with you is use the “emotional blackmail technique”. Go out and get drunk on a cocktail of drinks…some approved…some NOT approved by KEBS. At some point, set a reminder to drunk dial the ex. This should preferably around one year down the road. Give her normal crap… “I’ve missed you so much” and phrases like “I’m still not over you!” will come in handy. If she smiles and giggles with you for more than TWO minutes… Then bro.. Uko ndani kama Mungatana na Chidzuga!

STEP 2- The Meeting

After your drunk dial call, follow it up the following day with another call. This time apologize for calling so late. It is here that you should put the second play into gear. Set up a date. Don’t set it three weeks in advance… just set it about two days from the day of the call. Make sure it’s a place the two of shared history and good times. That restaurant. The meeting itself should not last more than 30 minutes. Take this opportunity to grovel. But don’t make it look too ugly… just tell her how fly she looks..ignoring the obvious fact that she now weighs twice as much as before. Tell her the sweet random nothings you know she’d like to hear from you. It’s simple and effective. Leave her blushing and her nostalgic.

STEP 3- What Are You Up To?

Now, ladies, if on a Friday, at exactly 4 o’clock, a dude calls and asks “what are you up to?”…. That is a random plan you should steer clear of. However, knowing women and their love for issues, let’s face it, you will say the following words… “Nothing much! What about you…” Sister, you have just sold yourself. The wolf in sheep clothing that you dumped a year back, went, got his sheep’s clothing dry-cleaned, and you have just given him the invite to a night of nostalgia and two hours of PROBLEMS for him… TWO WEEKS of ISSUES for yourself. Dude, you are about to return to the scene of crime…

STEP 4- When Do I See You Again?

A recent survey in a leading blog- www.youstillareamoron.co.ke – indicate that come Sunday morning, approximately 67.8697% of women who got laid asked the question…”When do I see you again?” The other percentage were paid for a job well done and a small percentage didn’t bother to ask because they are stuck with the man!

The answer to this question is always interesting. Once a man has made a return to the crime scene, he has absolutely NO INTENTIONS of meeting up again in the near future. At this time my friend, the man is thinking of an escape plan… the escape plan takes many forms. From a thorough scrutiny of men’s habits, the most trustworthy escape plan is…

STEP 5- The Escape Plan

Every man should have an escape plan in place. You are not allowed to re-visit the crime any more than twice. Going back more than twice is tantamount to giving false hope. The escape plan should take the format of something rather cruel like… “I can’t meet you today. My girlfriend is in town…” or “I’m meeting my boys tonight to celebrate the birth of my son…”! If that doesn’t work, then how about trying “Today is my stag night.. si you come and be the entertainment!” That should sure as hell get rid of the ex.

What is for sure is that the Ghost Of Girlfriends Past will forever haunt any man. All men have baggage. All men deal differently with baggage. They somehow always make a way crawling back to bed with the ex. For a guy, dealing with the ex, is always a PROBLEM, for a mama dealing with the ex is always an ISSUE. The way to go about achieving harmony with the ex and ensuring that there is always “light at the end of the tunnel” is to ensure you keep all the ex at arm’s length. As Jay-Z says, always treat with the same respect the one that you humping as you treat the one that you are loving. Guys, live by the fact that all women are the same… it’s just a different toilet, same old shit!

Of ATMs, Women and Irrelevant Questions

“Don’t speak
I know just what you’re saying
So please stop explaining
Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts
Don’t speak
I know what you’re thinking
I don’t need your reasons
Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts”

No Doubt- Don’t Speak

My local pub has been a source of great inspiration, great hangovers and great anguish! The problem with the local is that they always seem to tempt you to have that “one more”. Being in and around the hood, and extension of much needed credit facilities, the local is a big favorite for many! The other day I decided to pop in and say hello to the peeps. After the three white caps, I felt like a man who owned the world… Six White Caps later, I got the feeling that I really didn’t give a darn who owned the world! I couldn’t care less. My wise, white cap propelled mind now told me to dash to the ATM and make a quick withdrawal. It is during one’s rather drunken nature, that you feel really sharp. I can forget my own name, forget where I live, but somehow, my ATM Pin number is something I never forget. I keyed in the correct PIN and got the window showing options available to me. A rather peculiar option was availed to me. “Balance Inquiry”! I wondered why on earth this machine was asking me questions I really didn’t want answered! So, I did not bother to enquire how much I really didn’t have in my Account and withdrew just enough for me to have another few of my favorite liquid. As I staggered home, it occurred to me that women are a lot like that ATM machine… Key in the right PIN and you’ll make a withdrawal. The options available really depend on the investment already put in… Then, the QUESTIONS!

Why is it that women have the most irrelevant questions which for one, you really don’t feel like answering, two, the questions don’t have a right or wrong answer and three, if you answer truthfully it comes out as a lie, and if you lie, it comes out as gospel truth! I always ask myself, do women REALY want to know the answers to some of the questions they ask? Exactly what’s going on in their minds as they ask these questions?? Can someone please give me a detailed guide of which questions are rhetoric, which questions are to be answered honestly, and which ones should I just tell outright lies about! Guys, being the generous person that I am… I assembled a team of experts to make sense of the questions women have been asking since time in memorial. For years, the answers have been elusive. Now.. I present to you, the listing of questions you are most likely to be asked and most importantly, the APPROPRIATE answers you should give. Details of my committee of experts can be found as ever in my website www.kweliwewenifala.co.ke.

1- Who Is That?

Have you ever been within the company of a drop dead gorgeous mama, only for your better to show up? Theirs that joke you normally save for “special occasions” and today, you decided was a “special occasion” so you told this beauty standing in front of you, the number 1 joke you have in yourself. As she’s laughing whole heartedly, her arm on your shoulder, her eyes on yours… that’s the time the better half decides to make an appearance. You don’t notice her until she’s right next to you. Of course you introduce her, and then you say goodbye to the gorgeous mama you were with and take off with the better half. Barely thirty seconds later, the question will certainly and surely be asked… “Who is that?” brother, the truth is…the mama is probably your colleague or your neighbor. You’ve got her number but you know she’s way out of your league. You’ve accepted that you are friends. Period. Only a half brained, good for nothing dude will have the courage to say the truth! The lie that you should give at ALL TIMES should be something along the lines of “that’s a mama who has had a thing for me since last year. I’ve told her I am with someone I well and truly Love. Its great you met her today so that she can know for sure that I can only be with you”! Memorise those words until you can say them in your sleep. They will ultimately be your “escape lines”

2- Who Were You With?

A story is told of how a mama didn’t go home to the husband one night. The following day, she shows up at around 10:00 am and the husband asks where she was. Not satisfied with the answer from his Mrs, he calls ten of her closest friends. NONE of them say that they were with her. They basically all let her hang out to dry! A few weeks later, the husband this time, pulls an all nighter with a clande. When he gets home, the wife is fuming and is going insane. He gives some story and the wife not satisfied with the answer, call his ten closest friends. Of the ten, EIGHT say they were with him and he slept on their couches. TWO have the audacity to say “He is still here, but he’s blacked out on my couch!”.

Moral of my story? Guys will always stand up for each other. We may have issues with keeping our story straight, but we stand up for each other. Always be sure to tell at least TWO dudes that you will be a ghost visitor in their couch that night. NEVER ever in your sane mind say exactly who you were with and who whoever you were with, were with! You may just be blowing someone’s cover. Maybe the dude is meant to be in Moyale and he’s parambulating around with a spanky 23 year old with moves like a gymnast and morals of an alley cat!

3- What are you doing?

Studies reveal that this question will be asked time and time again until you feel pulling your hair out. The best policy here… HONESTY. Tell the gospel truth of what you are doing. Bore her half to death and back with irrelevant and minute details of otherwise drab life. Example, if mama calls you and you are in traffic. Please spare no detail. Go on in great lenghth about the twenty white Toyotas infront of you, the blue Volkswagen, and the overzealous traffic cop. Next time she calls and you are watching a guy kind of movie… something with lots of blood, do not hesitate to give her all the gory details. Make her regret the reason she bothered to call. If you are in a bar, discourage her from coming to wherever you may be. Complain about the quality of service, the taste of the beer, the smoke filled room. Obviously you shouldn’t mention the small detail that you are helping women earn a living by watching them hang from poles! Anything else, is fair game. This irrelevant question will never be asked again!

4- Where is this relationship going?

Handle this question with utmost care! If you plan on getting laid, do not speak what first comes to mind. A man faced with this question is normally tempted to blurt out… “To bed for starters…” All women at some point ask this question. Whether she’s a clande or your main mama, she will ask the question “where is this relationship going?” This probably qualifies as the most annoying questions a man can ever be asked. If I say “This relationship is going nowhere… and I like it as it is”, then trust me, your sorry behind will be lit on fire and thrown off the roof of a building! If you say “I don’t know..” that only raises even more questions. The best possible answer a man can give, as crafted by our team of experts is… “This relationship is going where you want it to go, but I see a future ahead for us!”. Be as vague as possible about this so called future you refer to. Do not give any specifics. Do not give false hopes as well. Don’t make the mistake of telling her that you think the relationship is “headed down the aisle”. She will take that statement and interpret it to mean you are engaged. She will tell her friends about this new development and next thing you know, her clan is on the way to meet your people with a list of demands and a dowry payment schedule!

5- Do I look Good In This/ Do I Look Fat/ How Do You Like My Hairdo?

These questions are grouped together for good reason. They all relate to the looks department. Surely, guys, you must know by now that any negative comment about her age, weight or hair directly translates to certain rights being denied. If scientists are teaching chickens how to cross a road, then surely, you must have it figured that that a negative comment will only lead to morbid fixations from her directed your way. This is where you answer using two simple words. “YES DEAR!” Do I Look Good In This? YES DEAR! Do You Like My Hairdo? YES DEAR! Do I Look Fat? YES DEAR- and you are gone! Use your senses! Such questions should be answered accompanied by a certain look. Give her the look that says you are memorizing her body for ten year stint in prison.

A man’s mind however, can’t possibly process all the right answers to the many variations of the questions we are likely to be faced with. We for example can’t answer a question like… “Who was that I heard on the phone when I called to ask you where you were? If this relationship is going anywhere, then I want to know who she was and you think she’s better-read prettier- than me!” Faced with such a combination of questions, I suggest you DO NOT ANSWER! Anything you say WILL be used against you! Play dumb my friend. It’s your only hope! It is like my ATM machine asking me if I’d like to make a withdrawal, my balance thereafter and a follow through SMS! All I dare answer when faced with this tough choices, is press ENTER until my money comes out, tear apart the transaction slip and walk away. Like ATMs, women will always have questions with no answers relevant to man!

What shag have you had today??

“The beats of my heart so fast
His finger tips meet my lips
And the tips on my fingers make me flip
Am maybe I was losing my mind
To yet another loose mind
That expected I spread thighs
With my thighs on spreads
Unfortunately he had to jerk off
And off the jerk went
Remembering his heydays
Days spent on hay”

Elle Ce Ce Nabs – www.myheartscripted.blogspot.com

A friend of mine recently told me that my mind is 99% occupied with thoughts of sex, and 1% of my brain engages in activities that fall in the “others” category. Well, she’s probably RIGHT! The unfortunate part however, is that if Steadman were to do a quick poll, I’d probably be in the percentage that thinks about sex the least. Majority of men have sex on their minds 99.896325% of the time-For details, please visit www.youstupididiot.fo.ol. Now ladies, you probably wonder how exactly a man’s mind can be so pre-occupied with that  and everything else seems to be downgraded to second place. A man’s mind is simple… Show him something that can get him laid, and he will go to the furthest corners of the universe to get it! You doubt me???

They say women use sex to get Love, men however use Love to get sex. It’s a vicious cycle! It’s a cycle that is not about to be broken anytime soon. There are many WAYS of having sex. Some make for interesting reading, some make for wonderful reading and some make for Oh My Goodness” kind of reading. And just for the record, let me state that like hell I’m I letting anyone insert any manner of objects in my ass just because some book said it is stimulating! Back to the matter at hand… I wonder if ladies ever give a second thought to the type of sex that they are getting. Is it the quality, or is it the quantity? Is it the time spent having sex, or is it the times spent not having sex that matters. Ladies, I am here to give you a free lesson on the types of sex a man can have with you! Guys, I’m sorry to let the cat out of the bag, but lets face it, at some point they will get to figure it out!

The Wham-Bam-Thank-You-Ma’am!

Ladies, has a man ever had sex with you, promised to call you and all that crap and that was the last time you ever heard from him? He even said he moved house, said he got a job out of the country, or the infamous… “I lost my phone and I didn’t have your number”! Well my dear, do not be offended. It’s simple really, you were a one night stand. He had no intention of seeing you ever again. Not for lunch, not for a drink, not even for coffee. Do not even pop into his place of work just because you were in the neighborhood and wanted to say “Hi”! Accept this fact and you’ll live happily ever after. On the plus side, he probably gave you all he had… he went all out experimenting on stuff you never thought possible..he probably twisted and turned you inside out! You were his experiment so that he can go and try it out at HOME! I’m sure he got all kinky and no man will reach the high he gave you. So DEAL WITH IT!

The Sympathy Shag!

Ladies, did the man tell you a sob story? Has he recently been dumped by hi s long term girlfriend? Has he recently lost his job? I can’t understand how sob stories get a man laid, but they JUST DO! Women have this urge to be the “comforter”. Women have this inbuilt system to show sympathy to anyone that deserves it! All a man has to do is to be on the brink of total and utter destruction and he’ll get laid over and over again! What gets me laughing is when a man who has recently “lost” every penny he had in a pyramid scheme, is buying the mama drinks in an up market bar! Once he spots his prey, all a man has to do is look forlorn, have that lost look in his eye. A handkerchief will come in handy to wipe away “tears” when he is overcome by emotions. Once a mama starts listening to his cock and bull story, she is on her way to giving the man a sympathy shag! Come morning, he will kick you out-A job interview is always a good excuse-and you will never hear from him again! Long live the sympathy shag!

The Pity Shag

What is it with ladies that keeps drawing them back to the ex? I just don’t get it! For some reason, ladies think that to mend a relationship with the ex, a sad story of loosing your distant cousin will do! Now, a man being a creature of habit, will be there for you. He will hold you, let you cry on his shoulder! Everything will feel perfect! Then he will go on to give the best sex you ever had! The following day, the mama will assume that the relationship is back on track. That is until she spots the G-String in the man’s shower and the pair of heels on the shoe rack. Unless the dude has always been gay and you were just too blind to see it, then the painful truth is that the lucky chap just gave you a pity shag! Sad, but TRUE!

The I’d Rather Jerk Off Shag

When you’ve been in a relationship for sometime, well…the sex kinda becomes boring. It’s just a fact of life that every so often, the man will just not feel like shagging you. He knows kesho being Saturday, is clande time. Here you are on Friday demanding for some conjugal rights. The jamaa doesn’t want to make you suspicious as to why he doesn’t want to have sex with you. So he simply gives you a quick one. The shag that’s over even before he’s started. The obvious excuse will always be, “it’s been a long week/day… “ or he will just shrug it off and blame the coffee for his lack of mood. Ladies, men will always want sex. If he doesn’t, then he’s got a dish on the side who is serving up some life altering dishes! If this has happened to you girls, know that your sweetheart, either had sex earlier o is planning to have sex later. JUST NOT WITH YOU! For now, he’d honestly rather jerk off than have sex you!

The Quickie

In a recent survey conducted by my world famous poll masters, 99.238% of men were found to have had “quickies”! This is NEVER with the wife or girlfriend. This is reserved for someone you just met and so it is done at the back of the car, or with the colleague at work late in the evening and you are all alone in the office. This type of shag me likes. It’s like doing something on a hunch! Your gut instincts say go for it. On your bosses chair now! Quick… do not even pretend that this is twisted. It’s been known to happen. Dumb asses have been known to forget security cameras and get fired! Let’s not forget the days in college when you hooked up with a mama after class. It was her way of saying thank you for letting her dub from you!

The Nimeomba Miaka Mingi Sex

Ladies, you flirt with someone for years on end and you’ve never dropped those ngothas for him. One day, you decide to give it to him… at the back of your mind you are probably thinking that it’s the start of something beautiful. That it’s the start of a new chapter. To the jamaa…this is a reward for all the years of work and effort he’s put towards luring you. Today, he plans to get laid all night. No coffee breaks, no water breaks… the guy plans to take out all the years of wishing, wanting and lusting in one night! You will sleep at 3 am and wake up at 6 am and you are back at it again! Just before you leave, he will give you a goodbye shag… the best night of your life is what it is! Do not go assuming that now you have a thing going on! Hapana! You’ve traumatized him for years, you’ve been playing hard to get for years and finally he had you ngothas off and you think it’s a relationship? Now it’s your turn to do the running girlfriend. The guy feels he now has the upper hand and he will treat you as you treated him for dog gone years.

Cougar Sex

Guys always have an attraction towards an older and “more experienced” woman. Guys will always want to hit it with the older mama. Just to measure themselves. They will do it over and over again. It’s just a man’s way of exploring what the older woman has to offer. Older mamas will always have some freaky part in themselves. The cougar is downright nasty. She’s got whips, chains, lashes… handcuffs. She’s the successful mama every man would love to get with! When she gets her “toy-boy”, she doesn’t dare hold back! She goes all out freaky! The cougar should never think she’s in a relationship! This is just a young exploring the so called outer limits. After a week or two, he will get tired and go back to the usual under 18-just buy them airtime-and will quickly forget you.

Not to say my list is exhaustive, but I just want ladies to accept the humble fact that SEX does not mean a relationship. Take it as it is and hard as it may be, do not make anything out of it unless it is specifically stated and in advance! Whoever said money makes the world go round was dead wrong! It is SEX that makes the world go round!

PS- This blog advocates for safe sex practices and NO you DIMWIT, that doesn’t mean you have sex in a police station!

For The She Who Counts To He.

“Why don’t you stay the evening
Kick back and watch the TV
And Ill fix a little something to eat
Oh I know your back hurts from working on the tractor
How do you take your coffee my sweet
I will raise the children if you pay all the bills

Where is my john Wayne
Where is my prairie son
Where is my happy ending
Where have all the cowboys gone”

Paula Cole- Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?

I love my Local Pub. It is here that I get to hear of great tales and legends. Sunday afternoon proved no different. As always I sat with “the boys” at a corner discussing this and that! Twas more like whiling the Sunday afternoon away! They say there is always calm before a big storm. And sure enough, the storm came! The wife of one of the boys walked in, fuming and with two babies in tow! Obviously we all scampered for safety and left our “boy” to the elements of an angry Woman! This episode however got me thinking… where are the REAL MEN? Can the REAL MEN stand up and be counted? Can the REAL MEN stand up for their families, for their wives, for their girlfriends- Please stand as appropriate!

African men have never been known to have chivalry as a trait! They are instead known for bumming under a tree waiting for the heavens to drop food from the sky. For years, this worked out pretty well. All a self respecting African man needed to do was to marry multiple wives and then father as many children as possible so that he would have sufficient laborers for his expansive land.  Life was true bliss for this Neanderthal! He’d wake up and his porridge was ready. His wives would bow as he entered his hut and they were to ensure that he had a sufficient supply of Muratina, Busaa or Mnazi! By 10 a.m, he was already under some tree lording over his family as they slaved away in the fields. They were slave drivers of the worst kind. Come evening, all he had to do was cough and they wives knew by the cough who among them was to give conjugal rights that day! That was then… Unfortunately, some men have refused to evolve. They are hell bent on proving that Darwin’s Theory of Evolution was flawed. I kid you not when I say that many a man have had their reality cheques bounce!

They say that Kamba men will have a wife and girlfriend. He will Love his muhindi employer the most. The Luo man will have two wives and a girlfriend. He will love his neighbor’s wife the most. The Kalenjin man will have a wife and girlfriend. He will love his tractor the most. The Kikuyu man will have a wife and a girlfriend. He loves his girlfriend the most. The Luhya man will have a wife and a girlfriend. Unfortunately, he will make Love to his goat the most! The connecting string here is that, men will never be content. At what point does a man really settle down. At what point will he say he is satisfied with the woman he has chosen as his one and only?

Any good woman. Any lady,  worth her salt will expect to be treated with dignity and respect. Give her the attention. Give her the 10 minutes she craves for in your tight hands. Give her the loving she desires! Guys… Tusker sold over 10.5MILLION bottles of in the year 2008. Trust me when I say EABL will not miss you if you chose to spend Saturday afternoon with the one you Love. Women expect to be treated in a certain way. They don’t expect to know directions. That’s the man’s job. They do not expect to pay for dinner. They do not even carry their ID cards. That’s the man’s job. The man is expected to know all these things. It is up to the man to keep his woman happy. He should be the one tracking finances. He should be the one to ensure that the bacon is brought home and in sufficient quantities, economic crisis or not! The mark of a real man is not how many cars he drives. Its not the power he wields at work. Its not his ability to walk into the bar and proclaim “Chafua meza!”. His sole duty lies in making his woman happy. Make her smile. Give her reason to fall in love with you all over again every single day. The art of chivalry should not be stuff for the movies. Guys, make her feel special. Make her feel like she’s got the right man. With time, I admit, emotions like Love or even hate seem to fizzle out, but with the woman who well and truly loves you, a simple act of sending her a dozen roses for no reason at all, or a gesture like a kiss in the middle of Tom Mboya Street normally goes a long way!

Guys, how we expect our women to be loyal, loving and warm if we don’t take a moment out of our day, just a moment, to think about them and to appreciate them. We whine endlessly about the mothers of our children. We whine endlessly in the bar about how she’s making your life a living hell. Reality though is that, she is the glue in your life. Women expect to be talked to. They expect that if you have a bad day, you will tell them about it and not shut them out. Women expect that if they are having bad days, you will be there with an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on! The heart of a woman is a very delicate item. If she gives you her heart, then take good care of it. Treat her heart better than you treat your own. Treat the woman in your life like the queen that she is. Women are always looking for the “happy ever after” story. Happy ever does exist. She wants her happy ever after story to be with you. She married you knowing that she wanted to be the mother of your kids. She married you knowing that one day; she will grow old and grey with you. She will go to the lengths of this universe to make you happy. However, the man changes and wants time with his “boys”. The same boys who will introduce him to miscellaneous escapades and poison him with strip club visits! Guys, love doesn’t end when she says “I Love You!” Loving her doesn’t end the day she agrees to commit to you. Loving her on the contrary STARTS the day you commit to a relationship with her! Every day she awakes, she wants a new reason to Love you. She wants re-assurance that she made the right choice. She’d not mind sleeping on the streets as long as you are there to keep her warm when the chill sets in. A woman in Love with you will not mind if you were stranded in a remote island with no help in sight. As long as she has you by her side, she will make the best of these moments.

Perhaps what men seem to forget is that it’s never the grand gestures of Love that you show once in blue moon. It’s not the romantic trip you took with her to Tahiti 5 years ago that show the measure of your love. It is the small things that matter. It is the kiss you will generously plant on her lips when you meet. It is the lingering hug you give her, just to tell her she is still the one. It is the trip you take to her shagz in the middle of an El-Nino season just to visit her grandmother. Women Love with all their hearts. Let’s give a toast to the women in our lives. Tell her that you Love her. Tell her she is the one. Tell her she still makes your heart go “yodi yodi”…Tell her she still spins your world. Tell her she still is THE ONE! Send her some flowers today. After all, to quote a rather unlikely source “I Love You For Free and I’m Not Your Mother…”