When curtains close.

“So you’re standin’ in the tunnel of eternal life
And you see the ones you never learned to love in life
Make the choice let it go and you can back it up
If you ain’t at peace with God you need to patch it up
But if you’re ready close your eyes and we can set it free
There lies a man not scared to die may he rest in peace
I still got to wonder why
I never seen a man cry
‘Till I seen that man die”

Scarface- Never Seen A Man Cry.

Accountants strongly believe that the only two things in life that are guaranteed are DEATH and TAXES. I stand different. I believe that life has more to offer than just death and taxes. I’ve lost someone dear to me. I have lost someone who I held very dear. Someone who stood by me as I went through turmoil. Someone, who was my reason for reason. I stand here, honored to have been a part of his life.

One day, I was walking around, minding my own business. Just being the man that I am. Two shots rent the air and next thing I knew, a man who moments before had dreams and ambitions, a man who had plans… was lying dead. Its not meant to be that way. Its just not meant to happen. Why is death so cruel and without warning. Why does it hurt those who are left behind. Why? Why? Why? Raymond has had one or two near death experiences. I have had a gun to my face. I’ve been shot at TWICE. Why then should it be scary, thinking about a world without ME? I have Loved. I have laughed. I have shed my tears. I have felt my pain. I have won. I have lost. I have dreams. I have realities. I have tattoos. I have scars. What I know as well, is that I have told my story. Told my story for all to read. My memories will not etched in all forever. I do not ask for that. I ask that when I’m gone, my boys can sit, have drink and for one session on a Saturday afternoon, they will think of my good, my bad and my ugly! They’ll have a cold White Cap and hepa with the bill. They will flirt with the waitress. They will kula some fry with lots of chilli and Ugali. For one afternoon, I will ask that my friends and those to whom I mattered, just sit down and laugh. Have a huge laugh for the lion has taken a bow and given his last big roar!

I consider myself a very lucky man to have had unbound Love. If God took me away today, I would stand up and give him a big Thank You for everything I have in my life. More so, the people I have in my life. I think about the conversation and I know it will not be awkward. For sure I know I will be appointed to run the magazine “Divine Monthly” up in heaven.  I know I will have a chat with my good friend JC and we will trade stories of Love and betrayal. Trade stories of how we went out of the world… I therefore wonder, why do we have this overwhelming fear of death? Or is it a fear of the unknown?  Is it the fear of leaving those we love behind? Or do you wonder if in heaven they don’t have Khaki trousers but plain white robes!

Regrets I have many… “What ifs…” I have those too. I am however trying to make amends. I should’ve taken more risks in my life. I should have been more audacious. More vibrant. Many are the times I have settled for what was available. Looking back, I think I lived by a creed- A bird in hand is worth two in the bush! I admit, I haven’t always treated those who loved me right. I cant do anything about that now. With hindsight, maybe, just maybe I should have done one or two things differently. Maybe I should have spoken out more! Maybe I should have been bolder. I probably should never have left BSK. I also have many “What ifs…” Should I have fought with that dude on the weekend? Probably not-He was bigger and we know these young chaps nowadays carry all manner of crude weapons. Should I have fought for someone I loved? YES! But, I did NOT! What If I’d fought for her? Would I be married? YES. Would I be happy? I doubt it. What if I’d taken that offer… What if I’d said Hi that day… What If I’d not gotten stoned that Friday, would I have gotten laid? What If I’d asked her friend out first?… So many what ifs… Such few answers!

The one possibility we do not dare imagine is HADES! I have thought about that as well. Have I sinned so much that I should be tossed into a burning eternity without some Dasani to quench my thirst? NO! I have atoned for my sins-Most of them anyway! When my name is called on the pearly gates, I know I will not be denied entry. I will not be going to Michael Jackson’s wing-Lets face, that dude has a special place reserved for him in hell and besides, we all know he didn’t like black men-I know I will be up there with the likes of Pope John Paul 2, I will be alongside Garang and Jaramogi Odinga. I’ll have a chat with Kenyatta and tell him I voted for his son in 2002. I will e-mail Tom Mboya and cc Reagan. I will bring them up to speed with whats been happening while they’ve been away. Heaven waits for me. I’ll carry my laptop and Safaricom Modem- Fibre is also connected in heaven-so that I can be on Heavenbook chat with David and Elijah. I’ll do my first blog post on Samson and Delilah. I know guys like Solomon will be eager to comment. I know the bevy of beauties that await me will be angry that I’m disturbing the peace In heaven, but the wise David will talk to them and convince them to see the humor in their ways!  There’s my pal Anthony Janai… I’m sure he’ll be there to talk about the good old changerian ways! I’ll pass through his digz for some poizo and murram!

When my time comes-and surely will- I hope and pray, that I will have touched the lives and hearts of many. I want no tears. I want no wailing. I just want sounds of laughter. Sounds of joy. That’s Raymond’s wish. WHAT IS YOURS??

Do Not E-Mail Me, Do Not Text Me… SNAIL MAIL ONLY!

“ni nini nini ni niko poa (2x)
Mejja barua yako niliishika
sijawatupa jamaa
niko poa

ni nini nini ni niko poa (2x)
Mejja barua yako niliishika
sijawatupa jamaa
hope mko poa”

Niko Poa- Mejja

The good prez recently decided to appoint a new man to be in charge of the post office. Good or bad decision I do not know. What I do know however is that the P.O Box is fast becoming IRRELEVANT! I wonder why we bother to put it down nowadays. How many of you have received anything from your mailboxes other than those Bank Statements that only depress. How many of us bother to jot down anything any more?? We’ve even stopped reading newspapers and have switched to reading blogs! Pardon the irony…and we get our breaking news from Facebook updates.

In the good old days, mail was an essential service. Mail is what kept some of us going. How many remember days when letters would not just be addressed to you. That was not enough. Letters would be “Boombasticated…” or they’d be “Zig zagged…” better still were those that were sent via post but were addressed “Hand deliver to…”  Many nowadays forget that letter writing was an ART on its own. You had to do a draft… then do a final draft… and then you were ready to do the final copy. A dictionary was always placed next to you. It came in handy as the object of the letter was to impress. So words like “Immaculate” and “flabbergasted” had to be spelt just right. A friend was always at hand to advice you on how to best approach the matter at hand. Another essential was the original letter. You had to ensure that you answered all matters raised. This included stuff like, your mid term date, your closing date and your phone number. It was also vital to have a friend doing a foreign language as an option. He would be the chief supplier of certain phrases like “Je pense que jai tombe en amoureax avec vous…” Nothing made you sound intelligent like French… It gave you mad props. Trust me my friends, I KNOW!

A trip down memory lane reminds me of a wise crack friend of mine who upon being asked his E-Mail address proudly and openly declared… www.P.O.BOX.3563.com. True story here y friends. I tell no tales. What was a man to say? Those were days when a yahoo e-mail account would set you back a good 100 bob. The few cybers were charging 10 bob per minute. And a 7.5 Mb diskette would see you part with a hard begged 200 bob. I don’t blame my friend for his ignorance at the time… Back to my letter writing issue… receiving mail from your kind was one of the best things that could possibly happen. I’d receive that piece of mail… sit back, get comfortable and then have a sniff at the letter. A hint of perfume was to say the letter was loaded with sweet nothings! By now, blood was rushing. Hands shaking. The tension building. Mail was never “just opened”. You tore the edges carefully. A friend of mine received mail and the pages were numbered… Page 1-For The Money, Page 2-For The Show, Page 3-….. Somehow, the page numbers were very creative and puppy love romantic. Good old days. The letter was open and what followed was the initial reading. This was followed by two more readings. Every word was analyzed. Nothing was left to chance. From the hand writing, to the quality of notepad in use. A letter written on conqueror paper was the highest accolade you could receive. Good times. Of course you told the boys about her. The school she was at also mattered. If she was in State House Girls, Pangani, Kenya High, Limuru Girls… Bishop Gatimu… Then you had a hot mama. You could now stand tall and be the envy of many. Lakini if she was in Alliance… guys just looked you in the eye, and shook their heads. You were clearly barking up the wrong tree.

I’ve not received a letter in such a long time I’m really missing it. Why do we even bother to supply a Post Office Address?? I wonder what the good General at the post office plans to do. How can we access stamps? Why can’t I buy a stamp at my local shop? Why can’t I buy stamps at Nakumatt or Uchumi? The Television was thought to be a nail on the coffin of the Radio. But, radio evolved. Radio grew. I think I listen to more radio than I watch Tv. Why hasn’t the postal service evolved? I’m almost certain that 99.9% of Kenyans use the post office to send success cards. PERIOD!  My plea to good Ali… I want to receive some snail mail. I want to see pen on paper. I want someone to take time to write to Raymond. I want someone’s emotion to come out on paper. I want to see the person’s true character ooze through the paper. I want to see the person’s penmanship skills. I want to understand the circumstances the person is going through. I don’t want any more e-mails that simple say…. “Raymond, your e-mail was received, Thanks and Regards, xxxxxxx….” NO! I want you seal the envelop with a kiss…. I want you to end the letter with a phrase to melt my heart. I want you to tell me how the goodbye feels like parting. Tell me something like…. “Yours, for now and for always…..xxxxx” or tell me…. “With all my Love in this,…..xxxx” End it nice

Write me a letter people…. Go to the post office… Buy a stamp… Write me a sweet letter… When you post it, call me and tell me you’ve sent a letter to me. Then I wait for three days and excitedly go to the post office and pick my mail. My address is P.O Box 3563-00506, Nairobi. And do not forget to seal it with a kiss.

We Are Men… We DO NOT GET HINTS!!

“Don’t drink coffee, I drink roots my dear
And I love my morning ride
You can see it in my motions when I walk
I’m a Jamaican in New York
See me walking down Church Avenue
With my hat leaned to one side
You can see it when I walk”

Shine head – Jamaican In New York

The other I was talking to very wise friend of mine. His wisdom knows no bounds. As we were chatting away enjoying a cold White Cap, he mentioned that his Mrs was displeased or to use his exact terms “highly unhappy..”. I’m not one to be nosy or meddle in other people’s affairs but, I couldn’t resist the temptation to ask the obvious question…. “WHY??”… He looked up in the air, took another sip of his frothy liquid, looked at me said… “Dude, I have no idea!”

Ladies, allow me to ask, how is it that men are expected to know what you are thinking? A whole lot of stuff goes on inside your heads, but someone please give me tell me how, when and why I’m supposed to put two and three together and get a figure somewhere between eight and ten! Not only are your calculations grossly incorrect, the theory behind it is utterly inexcusable. We are not soothsayers. We are not gifted in the “guesswork department….”

Once upon a time, I was dating a fine lady. She was exquisite, but then again so are all women I have dated, and I remember her telling me about an encounter she had with a friend of hers who looked at her and next thing she said was…. “Oh My God, you are in Love. You have that look…”  Guys would never in a million years, even if their lives depended on it, figure out someone based on a look. Take someone’s face value and figure stuff like “you are in Love out…” There are some things that men simply aren’t capable of. Multi tasking is one of them-listening to how your day went while watching soccer just isn’t possible! Reading manuals-We don’t read that stuff. We just look at something, do it and then call an expert to repair the damage caused. That probably explains the many deaths caused by instant hot shower heads. Guys just take the red wire and attach it to the yellow one, if it works well and good, if it doesn’t… Well, tough luck! The third thing a man is simply incapable of figuring out, is a HINT!

“Where are you?”… “I’m in the office…” Question asked, question answered. Where exactly In that conversation was I supposed to figure out that you either wanted to see me, or you wanted me to get home early that day. What on earth is so hard in just ASKING! Just tell me. Please save me the agony and the misery of going round in circles “figuring stuff out…” I am a very angry man. I had to help to spend 60 minutes helping a brother try figuring out what could possibly be wrong. We went through the paces of guessing… We guessed stuff from “Is it her birthday?…” To “Is it the her favorite pet’s birthday?” In short, we had a range of guesses from realistic possibilities to fantastic impossibilities. At the end of the day, we both concluded we are aliens in a land of emotions. We are here legally, but men do not belong on this planet. We just do not belong!

Guys, if normally she gets home, takes a shower… if she’s had a good day, you’ll have that shower together… and after the shower, you get your cup of tea, you sit back and she watches Tyra as she tells you about her day. You just go through the paces and read the paper, read the editorials, figure out how many points you have on fantasy football… Its two aliens in one room. And that works just perfect! Now, a woman’s way of hinting is to disrupt this process. Can you imagine if she doesn’t talk about her day??? Based on some study done by some very idle dimwit, women on average use about 5 times more, the number of words men use. So if one day, there is total and utter silence, a man has two options, either ride out the storm…. Meaning he tries making conversation, or two, call up the boys and figure this thing out in the bar. Option one is playing it safe. By same time tomorrow evening, she’ll be back to her chatty self. Lord knows she’ll even use up the words she spared jana. Option Two is tricky. Hii ni kuchokoza nyuki. This is when a dude goes to the bar, gets advice from his pals, and the advice will normally take the form of…” Then do something wrong so that she will have reason to be mad at you…” Ladies, do you see how you drive us into the arms of a very able and willing clande? Men should not be held accountable for any ills and wrongdoings committed as we try figuring out exactly what you mean! Holding us accountable is a travesty of the laws of both natural and unnatural justice!

My sweet ladies, please spare a man and his boys the agony and temptation of a badly timed HINT! We do not give hints. Honestly, the only hint a man is capable of giving is a wink, and naughty smile. Everyone gets the meaning of that! Anything beyond that is simply foreign and many a man, would rather learn Greek or Latin than have to learn this parallel language called HINTS! Ladies, JUST TELL ME! After all, I am a man. I don not take hints!

P.S- My mama has changed her morning routine. She’s not made me breakfast the last two days. Plus, yesterday evening I had to eat cold food with too much salt. Certain “rights” have needlessly been withheld. Do you think she’s mad at me??

The Cafeteria IMPOSSIBILITY

“I’ve never thought I
I would keep my sane (ooh)
Ya’ll gon hate
I think I’m gonna kick it with my girl today (kick it with my girl today)
I used to be commander and chief
Of my pimp ship flyin high (flyin high)
Til I met this pretty little missle, that shot me out the sky (ohhh shot me out the sky)”

Keri Hilson Knock You Down

Swaleh Mdoe has his Grandfather… Raymond thankfully has his friends. This sometimes lands me in trouble but, I would go the lengths of this world just for them. They also give me the biggest laughs and the most rock solid advice.

On Saturday, I was having a sit down with the boys. As always, one story led to another and next thing I know… We were all listening to one chap as he narrated how he longed for a cafeteria to order girlfriends. Clandes and wives! Baffled??? Well… so was I, until he explained his perfect Utopia!

Guys, don’t we wish we could walk into a cafeteria and order women. Just think about your cafeteria experience… get to choose what you want to eat. You can have rice with like ten different stews… you choose the vegetables you want and you choose your drink. Absolutely perfect! Now let me take you to a Utopia. Imagine if you could walk into a “women’s Café” and ask for the following… Light Snack- Meaning Clande- A face like a mama you had some years back… a body like Janet Mbugua, Mild mannered like Catherine Kasavuli, A voice like Julie Gichuru’s and she should have a naughty edge… kinda like Eve D’Souza’s! Yeah… That’s just the snack guys… Imagine the damage you can do when picking your main course-that’s you wife num nuts!

The reality however is this cafeteria only exists in the bar. You leave the pub and head home to the fuming Mrs… She’s waiting for you, stocking in her head, arms akimbo and she’s got that menacing look in her eye! Don’t dare ask for food… we all know the answer to that question-“Kwani mahali umetoka hapakuwa na chakula??” will be the most likely retort! You finally jump into bed and you give her a nudge… You want to pindua chapo haraka haraka… First comes the question… “why do you smell like you fell into the mix at the brewery itself…” and if that’s not enough, matters of your evening “activities” will be questioned! A wise man will do the obvious. SLEEP. That’s not where it ends! You wake up in the morning, and the NIL BY MOUTH treatment still goes on. Nobody’s talking to you. Even the cat knows better. It stays away from you. You are served tea without sugar… your eggs have too much salt. The margarine applied on your bread suggests that her mind is thinking “the sooner you die of heart attach… the sooner I collect the insurance cheque…”  And that’s not the worst of it. Nope. It gets even more interesting. My brother, DARE you not eat this hearty meal placed in front of you. I don’t know what happens if you don’t eat though. I’m yet to meet a man dumb enough to take this option!

The woman’s café is just the perfect tonic for all of us dreamers. Problem however is when we try to make our fantasies a reality. This is the biggest mistake a man of sound mind can make. I’ve seen many a man dump his current mama for an upgrade. What he didn’t factor in is that the “women’s café” is not a reality. He didn’t realize that the “chips funga haraka…” he was now ordering was no good for the heart. He picked the first item he saw and it was to the detriment of his well being as a person. After a mere two weeks of his chips funga… he began to miss his Ugali Sukuma.

Guys, for how long do we have to chase after the perfect mama. Why don’t we just keep our fantasies in check? The perfect woman does not exist. Her imperfections will always be overlooked by Love. In the eyes of the world, she may not be gorgeous, through your loving eyes, she is perfection. In my humble opinion, we Love the people we do, not out of choice, but JUST BECAUSE. There is a lot we can not explain when it comes to matters of the heart. We can not control who we Love. We can not explain why we Love those we Love. There are some of us who are hard at heart. We’ve built impregnable fortresses around ourselves. We have gone ahead and kept our hearts to ourselves. And with no warning, comes someone with a charm. Along comes someone who takes our hearts and our view of life is significantly altered. Our pessimism goes out the window and the sun seems to shine brighter. The skies seem to open up better and you carry a smile on your face and her heart in yours. Guys, you get the feeling she could be the one when the very thought of her gives you an exhale moment.

Today I toast guys who are in love and are happy. I make a toast to all guys who keep their “woman café” theories and fantasies in check. I toast all guys who went out, partied like animals and went home and took their scolding like a man. I salute all men who have resisted the urge to leave “Ugali Sukuma” in favor of “chips funga…”  I stand up and I salute all men in Love and are proud!

THE 8 GLASS THEORY

“You must be used to me spendin
And all that sweet winin and dinin
Well I’m f@#kin you tonight”

Notorious BIG Feat R.Kelly

FACT: Scientists recommend that you drink at least 8 glasses of water a day.

FICTION: That you can actually drink 8 glasses of water a day.

AMBITION: To drink 8 glasses of water…

MYTH: We have all heard tales of the Luo women with the well endowed behinds who will hold you so tight they… the Kisii women who are always down for whatever, whenever and however… we’ve heard of kikuyu women who can braid their hairs as you are busy at it… lets not forget our Kalenjin sisters who are prudish in all their ways not to mention very boring. Legends however, bestow all praise to our folk from the Kamba community! They have all that a man can possibly want… Some serious surround effects-your neighbor will know-agility… flexibility… Open to possibilities!

Well… I hereby have take pleasure-a lot of pleasure-in submitting my latest thesis to be published in the widely read manual “Bullshit Britannica Monthly”! You my friends are among the first to read this theory that so far has received critical acclaim from the world over. Sources in Norway have intimated the fact that am up for nomination for a Nobel Prize. Below is my thesis.

Guys, I would like to submit my 8 glass theory to you as a way which you can now have a way of rating a woman’s performance in the shag. For far too long we’ve not had a system of ranking women. My 8 glass theory is here for you.

When you are with a mama… and for patcherians who may be feeling left out… another jamaa… (I don’t discriminate), there is the fast quick shag… If immediately AFTER you reach out for a glass of water, then make a mental note… She’s just scored 10 POINTS! If you don’t reach out for water and instead would like to go back to your alcoholic beverage of choice, then make a point of kicking her out and make a mental note… She’s just scored 1 POINT on the “glass Scale”!

In comes Round TWO.. For guys who may not be up to it after a glass of cold water or soda… then please seek medical advice. After round two… You will either (a) Reach for a glass of water or (b) Reach for your clothes. If your answer is (A), then dude… make a mental note… 20 POINTS for her. Her tally is now 30 POINTS! If your answer is (B), then my friend, make a physical point-KICK HER OUT!

Round THREE… Well, this is the barrier. This is the one where men have to call on the gods of virility. At this point you realize that it’s not a Usain Bolt sprint-that was round one, and neither is it a steeplechase…that was round two… Its now officially a marathon! The mama’s ability is no longer in doubt. What comes into play is now YOUR ABILITY. At this point, the glass scoring theory dictates that you ask yourself two questions.. (a) Do you want that glass of water or (b) Do you want to turn over and sleep? If your answer is (A)… then dude, make a mental note… 20 POINTS to yourself. If the answer is (B) then give yourself a hard whack on the face and make a mental note…Next time I will arm myself with Viagra/Zoom or visit “Daktari kutoka Zanzibar”! Fast Forward to the AFTER the act… Decision time again… Dude, which of the following crosses your mind  (a) Dash for another glass of ice cold water or (b) How I’m I ever going to get out of bed? I am totally wasted. Make a mental note here.. 20 POINTS for the mama. If (A) crossed your mind, then my friend… you are in contention for a world championship. Award yourself 10 POINTS. Your score so far is 30. Hers to this point is 50 POINTS. She’s on her way to becoming the BEST you ever had.

ROUND FOUR… The barrier was broken in round three. It promises to be a long night. Once again you look up to the heavens and ask the gods who bestowed upon the world, the drug called Viagra, and you ask that they inject some virility into you via remote control. You ought to go to church and tithe as well… but for now, you need the gods to give that extra push. If you have been a good boy over the years, the gods will grant you special favors… A revitalized you is back on the race. Give yourself 10 points. Take TWO glasses of water and give the mama 10 POINTS before even starting number 4. You’re score-40. Her Score-60. Twende kazi….Kuta vitu…kuta vitu… AFTER…its decision time… but it is recommended that you take a glass of water first… Do you thank the gods for (a) The freak now lying next to you or (b) The extra energy given to you but you are now done… If your answer is A, the 10 points to you, a massive 20 POINTS to her. If its B, then my friend, well played. You ran a good race and be proud you came this far! Hold your head up high and get some sleep.

ROUND FIVE… Its now legend(wait for it) ary! The mental score so far is she’s amassed a whooping 80 POINTS. Lets face it…It doesn’t get better than this. get ready for a bump and grind session. First award her a solid 10 POINTS. Award yourself 30 POINTS my brother. Now you have 80 POINTS, 8 glasses of water and she’s got 90 POINTS. You kuta vitu like a nonsense. This is the sex I call “point to prove sex”. Lets face it guys, at this point, its not about pleasure. Its now about a calling to do something great in life. Its pushing the outer limits. You have a point to prove and you go about your business like a man juiced up on some crazy meds… AFTER round five, its decision time again… (a) Have you proven your point? (b) Has she had enough? Now… If your answer to (a) is YES… My brother… congratulations on being one of the many to have fished in the forbidden island of mijinjo… If your answer is NO… Dude, I have to ask you two questions… (a) When was the last time you had sex… (b) what childhood issues are you taking out on the mama, because dude, you are troubled. Now, if the lady answered the question raised to her by saying “she’s not had enough”… Then dude, please… She’s either (a) A whore who had gone to rehab and you’ve been her halfway house or (b) A mama with daddy issues… If you think she’s (A), then my friend… Kick her out! DEDUCT 40 POINTS from her and DEDUCT 80 POINTS from yourself. She doesn’t count! If she’s (B) then my friend, you’ve hit the jackpot. Give her 10 POINTS, and take a glass of water.

ROUND SIX… Obviously my good friend you are on steroids and she’s got deep seated daddy issues you want to take full advantage of. Here’s what to do my friend… Immediately AFTER, give yourself a PAT on the back… A task well taken care of. If you had a point to prove, then we get it. The point we get here is (a) You’ve just gotten a job with a cruise ship company or (b) This is the first time you are crossing the mama and you may never see her again… Give the mama 10 POINTS, drink a glass of water and give yourself 20 POINTS. The mama now has 100 POINTS, You have a similar score and MORE IMPORTANTLY, you have killed two birds with one stone… You are now VERY healthy, you’ve had 11 GLASSES of water and you now have a solid score. Unlike before when it was subjective, you now have a solid scoring system.

If she wants ROUND SEVEN… Then I suggest you pay her per round. She’s obviously (a) Not normal or (b) Your technique is wanting!

I suggest you hit the comment section of this and give me your data to allow for publishing of the findings… Do not be embarrassed if you couldn’t go past round one.. Tell me her score.. if she scored 100 and still wanted more, then please give me her number!

And Then Came WOMAN!

“Don’t want to close my eyes
I don’t want to fall asleep
Cause Id miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
Id still miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing”

Aerosmith I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing

A good friend of mine once told me that “you know a man is in Love when songs from the R&B genre start making sense…” I am not afraid to admit that yes… I have been crazy in love in my time, and to be honest, I do not for a minute regret the emotions I went through. Aerosmith for me will always represent the emotions I felt when I crazy smitten and the only face that brightened me was hers… The only smile that thaws my heart was her… when the only touch I longed for was her gentle caress! Dudes, these aren’t alien emotions. We’ve all at some point felt it. Now before you go thinking Raymond has lost his balls-we all know I lost my mind a long time ago-let me just state here that this isn’t one of those Lovey Dovey posts…

Why is it that women will forever take advantage of a man when he is at his weakest? You don’t believe me? Since the Bible days… women have be known to be the downfall of one too many a man. Our own traditional tales tell us of empires that were brought down because of a King who went weak! Still doubting me?

In the beginning there was light and all that other stuff that followed, then their was man… I think Adam got bored of jerking off, and asked the almighty for a partner! Up until that point, Adam was doing good on his own. God had no issues with the dude… Then a certain eve was thrown into the mix and that’s when “stuff” hit the fan! In comes Eve and next thing, fruits are being dished out and they are being kicked out of the garden! Next came a dude who was beating the crap out of all other dudes. He was the back-in-the-day “otero” himself. Samson met his downfall when he hooked up with a certain Delilah. African tales also tell us of how wise Kalez sent out the most beautiful mama to gather information from jang’os. Kale women are known for their killer smile and looks. Jang’o men are known to fall for anything in a skirt. So, a certain Luanda Magere met his downfall under the spell of one of “my own”!! We’ve all heard of how a certain Mugabe down south changed upon marrying his secretary… Poor Zim folks are still languishing in abject poverty because the mama needs to go shopping in Hong Kong!

I’m in no way suggesting that men go back to their “handy” ways! Hapana. Do not misquote me here. I’m just wondering why many a great men have fallen under the spell of women! I think mamas always have a card hidden under a sleeve…or some mind twisting lingerie… How is it that a grown ass man will go bananas because of a woman? The dude who is nasty in the office washes dishes at home?? Our prezzo is said to be boss nchi nzima lakini at home… Ka-rucy takes over and runs the show. Imanyara can attest to this fact! A proud Meru of high standing in society got a mouthful of words and a bashing courtesy of our very own Ka-Rucy!

My dear ladies, why do you have to ruin a man’s peace? Here I am going about my own biz… Going about my day to day life… Having a drink with the boys on Fridays… Walking around my digz naked… Just enjoying life! Life is like LG… Great! Then a mama comes in, and I stop drinking with the boys, because you think they are “bad company”. Instead of watching soccer in my local on Sunday, I am stuck at home spending “quality” time. Instead of flirting with my waitress at the local, I now have to endure the torture and torment of “talking”! Guys, we all know how “The talk” goes… It starts with infamous 4 words… “Where are we heading?” Now this talk goes on for another ONE HOUR! At the end of it all, if you do the talking, then she’ll get angry and say you don’t care about what she has to say. If you keep quiet, then guess what? You never tell her anything nowadays! Then she’ll ask if you’d rather be with the boys. Woe unto you if you dare answer!

Ladies, please just give us some breathing space. Tell us what it is you want. If I Love you, you go on and break my heart. If I play you… you’ll stick around waiting to change me. If I think you are just an easy lay, then guess what? You practically stalk me! You are all up in my biz. If I don’t spend on you, then I’m cheap. If I buy you stuff, I’ll either get the wrong stuff or I’ll be trying to replace my not being there with material items! What is a man to do?

Well, guys, when that one mama comes your way… You will probably fall apart. I just ask that when you are heartbroken, when you can’t believe she’s left you; when it’s all over and you are in some limbo, do us all a favour. Don’t bring it to the bar. Don’t go burning bridges. Don’t start crossing with hoochies from Lidos/Apple Bees-don’t even pretend you don’t know where this is-and above all, DO NOT… by all means marry the next mama you kwachua somewhere. That’s just making a bad situation nasty!

Love it or hate it, we are all stuck here. Achieving harmony at home is as elusive as the finding the much talked about world peace. Guys, lets face the painful truth here. You will never find a “better” mama. If the mama you are with loves soaps and hates soccer and you decide to upgrade, then you just might end up with a mama who loves soccer, and can drink the whole lot of you under the table. If your current mama is somewhat of a prude, you just might end up with a mama who wants it all the time, every time… No complaints initially, until you have to spend a week in the house with her when you are on leave! If currently she’s bitching about eating at Boiro at the bar and yet she’s surprised you with some serious home cooking, then the next one will who will not complain, might just end up being the “Can’t cook, can’t clean type”!

In the end, its all about a choice, are you daring enough to want to upgrade… Guys, it’d be unfair if I left you without a solution. After years of painstaking, agonizing study of the female species, I have developed a white paper soon to be published in the respected “Advanced Oxford Britannica Of Bullshit Monthly”… Guys read carefully and here’s what I want you to do…

STEP 1- Go shagz.

STEP 2- Hook up with the daughter of some not so prominent farmer. She should be in her final stages of basket weaving training college.

STEP 3- Have an IQ test done on her. A score of <30 equates to a pass.

STEP 4- MARRY THE WOMAN and bring her to the city. She will forever hold you above all else. She may not Love you, she may be daft as a plank of wood, but heaven knows that this woman will respect you till her dying day!

From my in-depth study, I concluded that if you go for any intelligent woman, any well to do mama, any “independent” woman, any woman who has a title before her name or a recognizable second name, and then you my friend are going to be in big trouble. The next song you will chant for us is…. “Aaahh eeehhh baba we, ingekuwa we ungefanya je?”

Of Roads, Virgins and Firsts…

The other day I sat down to catch up with a good old friend of mine… I always suspected he was wise…What I didn’t know was that he was a sage! I rarely give praise to man and when I give praise to a woman, its because I’ve spotted “my angle” and sweet nothings almost always “seal” the game for me!
Back to my chat with the man I will from now on refer to as “The Wise One”…. Our conversation started when he answered a call from an ex girlfriend turned “good” acquaintance of his… About 9 years ago…He had a thing with her! It didn’t last long but they had their fun. It was campus years and mobile phones had just come out… He had an e-mail address and at home the folks had a DSTv connection…In short, this dude was “The Man” around campus. He had a Nokia… when everyone else had that Siemens with a RED SCREEN-wow…how time flies… Anyway, my pal admits that he knew he wasn’t the first guy to have sex with this mama… Nope… He said however, that he believes he was the first man to really have sex with her… Now do I have your attention?? Good… Read on…
We all remember the first time we had sex… We all remember the girl or the guy…for those who went to Nairobi School…you probably remember BOTH… As we talked, my pal compared the first time a woman does anything with ROAD CONSTRUCTION! “How are those related?” I asked him thinking that he’d lost his bloody mind and that the alcohol was getting to him… “Raymond… “He said, pausing to sip his drink for dramatic effect… What he said next, I will explain below…
Thanks to our prezzo, roads are being constructed front right, left and centre. Have you ever seen the equipment that constructs roads? They use some serious caterpillars. Those machines cost over 10M… The number of support staff that it takes to construct a road is huge… For a 1Km road to be constructed, it takes months… Basically, it’s a task that has to be well planned and well executed. For it to last, it takes an even heavier toll, both financially and time wise… The same with a woman’s first! The guy who first breaks her virginity needs to have invested heavily in resources. He needs to buy her ice cream… take her to lunch… that kind of thing! He needs to be ready to invest in talking… He needs the best lines all the time. He has to tell her sweet nothings over and over… Just to get a hug he needs to have a line handwritten for him by Shakespeare or handed down t him by the gods of love. Its serious business. Heavy duty work… And the act of breaking a woman’s virginity is no better… Guys, we have been there and we all know… it aint pretty! At the end of it, you will just be full of regret! But… Its, something that needs to be done. That just has to be done. So, you give yourself a pat on the back and you walk away proud. You have taken “one for the team”! On behalf of all man kind, I thank all virginity breakers of this world. You pave way for the rest of us mere mortals!
Question… what happens AFTER a road has been constructed and commissioned? A Prado 4*4 comes and zooms through… The Range Rover Sport… All Zoom through… The road opens up places never visited before! With your ka-Toyota that is well overdue for service… you pass through that road. Along comes a dude in a bodaboda… Anapita papo hapo… The guy with the mkokoteni…the guy on foot… the tourist… Mpita njia… The road is wide open! I think now you get where I am headed. After the initial heavy investment by dude number 1…what happens? Well, the next guy comes along and in no time… he’s walking away happy. It gets to a point where some random dude looks at a mama and simply asks… “Whats up… “And he gets sorted! The same goes with a woman’s first Love… the guy will have to be there for her like he is K24… He’s got to be there…Everytime…All the time… and in Real Time… Then comes the next dude… and he gets it easy. She’s learnt from her mistakes. By dude number 3, she’s ready and willing and fully accepts to be the guy’s third wife! Now, the guy who takes one for the team is dude number one and I ask all of you to look for that dude number one and buy him a beer or two… Give him a pat on the back. Look deep into his eyes and tell him… “Thank You Very Much!”
People, when you first start out at anything, it is hard! A time will come when it will be easy. First day at work… First huge presentation… First switch of employer… It’s all daunting! But, their comes a time when it all seems so easy! Whenever it looks easy, I request that you look back at where you are coming from. Look back at the days when everything was a challenge. My first boy is coming soon… and it’s got me wondering how he will turn out to be! One day when he is 23, grown and breaking hearts… Turning into a fine young man-hopefully he’ll take his mother’s looks- I would like to meet the man who first broke his mother’s virginity. I will shake his hand and give him a big Thank You. For he paved way for me! He took one for team Raymond!
So, next time you see a dude approach a virgin, do not stop him… Unless of course she’s underage… encourage him. Urge him on… nudge him forward. For you never know, he may just be paving the way for you! Lastly, NEVER under any circumstances, accept head from an 18 year old girl… or boy for Nairobi School characters… It’s an experience… Just not a memorable one! I’m out!

Soccer is back…Which team Are You??

My dear ladies..before you dismiss this as just soccer related blog let me just say it now..IT IS NOT!!! Guys..let me ask you a very simple question? Which team are you?? Which team best reflects your abilities..As you walk towards that hot mama you’ve been eying..you work out your approach..you move in with a swagger..you are about to say that first “Hello..”..Stop and think..which team Am I? Well, guys, I am going to give you a free lesson on which team you are and which team you shouldn’t be! I’m kind like that!

Ever been in a club..you’ve talked to this mama for the last two hours..bought her drinks, you’ve given her your very best lines..she’s giggled, she’s laughed… she’s ready to be your take away for the evening..Then some dude from nowhere, checks in. gets down on the dancefloor, breaks it down like he’s auditioning for a slot alongside Beyonce…and takes away the mama in like two moves?? Well..You my friend have game like the Arsenal..the dude who came in and broke it down like whoa..is classic Manchester United! And you hate him!!! Arsenal will always play stylish soccer..always threatening..but they lack the “IT” factor! They always have lousy excuses at the end of the day..”We played a good game..but the ref/the goalkeeper…or we had too many injuries….” We’ve all heard or even told the story time after time..Then of course theirs always..NEXT SEASON..To the dude..theirs always..NEXT WEEKEND.. Guys..who gives a hoot what you told..how you katiad her…whether she laughed at your jokes..point is..some other dude came, saw and conquered! End of story. You my friend, could not close the deal! Classic Arsenal play..mind boggling passes..style, charm..mad swagger and then you hit the post like 4 times in one game! Manchester United on the other hand can play a lousy dull style of soccer..you attack them..you get 20 chances in one game..they get 2 chances and the game ends TWO NIL! Then you dare say…”We played a better game…we outplayed them..we deserve to win…” yeah yeah yeah…blab la bla.. Point is. the Manchester United type guy will go to a club and close. Over and over again. Time after time.

Are you a dude who keeps telling guys of your exploits? How back in your hey day…how back when you were a sniper..Dude..basically you are a has been. You’ve lost your charm. You’ve lost the factor..You can no longer close the deal. You can no longer deliver! No one disputes that you once had some great lines..that you could close just by looking at a mama. That is not in doubt! What is in doubt is whether you can close again! Judging from the last four or five attempts..you’ve promised a lot..hey..you’ve even come close to sealing the deal..but..you don’t have it in yourself anymore! I suggest something simple… Give up! Leave the game to those who can! You are better off trying your luck with your ex partners..or workmates..who will give you a sympathy shag because of who you once were..not because of your current skill. So..what type of dude I’m I talking about?? This is the Liverpool type. A scoucer. We’ve all marveled at your antics before..but you just don’t have it in you anymore. Life is a bitch aint it!

So now come the guys with mad cash… Dude, you managed to get some dodgy government contract..or you sold Mau to current squatters..now you think you are the greatest and smoothest version of Romeo that ever lived! You do close..yes..but most of the time its coz you’ve flashed your brand new Rolex across her face..or you’ve told her and her pals..”drinks are on me”! My friend..what you don’t seem to see is that there is always one of those clanger on buddies of yours who will hammer all those mamas..even the want you have your eyes dead set on..the dude will always be lurking in the background. He’s an undercover brother..He’s always going for the kill..he scores.. You on the other hand only manage to seal the deal because you kataa to drop the mamas in town at 4 am and you’ve taken them to your plush crib somewhere in Runda ..or Ngong ..no mathrees! Basically, you get two types of shags..the sympathy shag or the shag your buddy convinces a mama to give you-after he’s shagged her by the way-and that’s it for you. Which club can best typifies you my brother? Chelsea! Your pal plays classic Manchester United or even Arsenal type of game..They will always keep a low profile but cometh the hour..cometh the man..and the women like four times!!!

Ever noticed that dude who is always hanging out with the big boys…you never notice them..but they are full of mad scandals. These are the guys who wait around and when things are kinda rocky between you and your mama..or things are kinda tight for you..you hear the dude crossed with your mama. These are the guys bila heshima kabisa. These guys will cross with your sister and announce it to the whole world! They show no mercy! These are the “buddies” who kick you when you are down! They take no prisoners and they took the “bros honor code” and threw it away to the pits! Their time to shine will always be your lowest moment! When you need a hand up…they’ll shove a boot up your ass! They are no good type of guys. Mamas describe them as being “sweet”..”understanding..”..”shy..”… He’s silent. He’s not a loud mouth. Doesn’t talk too much, but he’s got scandals galore. This dude has probably crossed with half your sisters and mboches! He is a classic underdog.. Well.. this kind of guy is like Portsmouth ..Everton..Westham..Sunderland…When the big teams need to win..when its now April..7 games left in the season..you are 3 points behind and you need to win every game left. These guys walk in..DEFEND for 90 mins..injure three of your most dependable players who will now be out for half the following season..and then they counter in 92^nd minute and WIN…Worse still..you guys are at home! I know every jamaa can talk of at least two such dudes… You know them..or maybe you are one of them.. Its just the way the game goes dude..

Theirs ALWAYS going to be a new dude on the block. That guy who nobody knows yet..So far all you know is the guy has mad cash! Mad insane cash! Drives a deadly ride.. He’s yet to unleash his skills on any mama you know of..lakini..anakaa kama wale wabaya! This is Manchester City! This is the dude everybody fears..but we all dismiss..He doesn’t yet have a crew..lakini he looks like he’s going to be nasty soon! You just watch from afar..till you know more..

As the soccer madness descends on us..and as we wait to see who will win what..lets not forget that it’s NEVER JUST A GAME…It’s more than that. I always say “soccer isn’t the most important thing in life..It just ranks up there with stuff like oxygen..”  So pick your team wisely..watch your opponents closely..and always remember..it only matters if seal the deal! Not if you promise to seal..or almost seal it…The one who matters is the one does what again??? Say it with me…SEALS THE DAMN DEAL…! I’m out!

The story in everyone of us….

Barrack Obama..What a legend he has proven to be. The first African American President of the big US of A.. Look at him. From humble beginnings to the most powerful man on the planet! His father made it to the US courtesy of an airlift. He married a white girl. Probably the luo in Obama senior told him to make it with a white mama. But that’s irrelevant. What matters is that at some point during his stay in the US, he got it on with a white mama…And then there was Barrack Obama!!

 In all our lives, we have a story. Behind who we are. Behind each and every single action we take. Behind how you joined Facebook..There is a story! Your story, my story. Are all intertwined. We find that we are interconnected somehow. We lose Loved ones only to “call “them later as our children. You get your heart broken. Only to find “the one” was waiting for you all along! You travel all over the world. Only to find that what you were searching for far and wide was always right in front of you!

I ask you. What is your story. At the end of it all, when your time comes, all you will be left with is a story. All you will be left with is how many people you touched with your story. In short, how did you write your story! Today, how have you written your story? How many people have you “tagged” in your story? How many people have made a story out of what or out of whom you have been to them?? Have you touched someone today? Have you opened up to He or have you opened up to She who matters to you?? When your day of calling comes…who will tell your story?? Who will stand up and say “Ï count because of She/he…” When that inevitable day comes…who will be left behind to tell your tale. Who will be left behind to say that you mattered. To say that at the end of it all you touched them deep inside…

In this world of short cuts and easy go lucky…what do we do that leaves a lasting impression? I’ve lived by a code that you never bang a door on your way out…for you never know when you might need to walk through that door again.. I ask you a question. How many doors have you banged on your way out? Have you ever walked back in and apologised?? Eat humble pie and be glad to have tasted it, for many leave this world without having touched the souls of others. Many leave our lives with a bitter taste! Remember to always smile. Always keep happy. Always keep jolly. Whenever you frown, you may just be passing someone who could desperately use a smile. You may just be passing someone whose story could’ve been told from your story!

Life is full of surprises, some will be sweet, some will inevitably be bitter, our purpose is here on earth, is to take it all in our stride..Smile..And be sure to pass on just the sweetness of who you are to the next person. Share a part of you that’s good. Share a part of you that’s harbouring pain…And you will live a fulfilling life! You will be blessed more than you’ve been a blessing to others. You will be part of someone else’s good story… Let your story be told in a most remarkable of ways… let your story be told as a sweet story in somebody else’s life! So, I beg to ask… What is your story so far?