Who’s Your Daddy?

After a 6 month hiatus, I am back! The smile is back, the ego is bigger, the straight talk is sharper than the original Ninja’s blade! Lets GO!

“Hey you in the blue uniform
If I have wronged you I will reform
raia analia kilio
hey you, hey you
natambua kwamba hamna kosa, ulilofanya eh
kitambulisho wewe hicho hauna
nikufanyeje
mapato yangu nimadogo, nategemea kidogo
ni kazi yangu ujira wangu
hujakataa kosa ulilofanya
hujakataa chini umeshaketi
hujakataa kitambulisho hana
nitakuseti raia, fuata sharia”

Blue Uniform- Sauti Sol

I recently had the chance to assemble a panel of eminent personas. Now, in choosing my panel, I had to undertake rigorous background checks and I had to make sure that the panel was representative of the male folk.

To be a member of this elite advisory committee, one had to meet all the following requirements; Be banned in at least three Kenyan Counties. Have at least three children from two different women, and finally, have the same moral standards as a Hyena.

Kenyans, we have a solution… my panel can be found at www.wanau.me . Follow the link!

On to matters at hand;

Recently, I was with my panel. One panel member surprised us all. he told us how he was in the course of handling his business and was feeling pretty proud of himself. He though he was giving a sterling performance, and happened to ask what should ideally be a rhetoric question. He asked… “who’s you daddy?…” and guess what? He got a reply! “Baba shiko…”!

Yes we were in shock. The entire panel took a step back, had a sip of beer… and looking at my panel, I could tell, it was like dagger straight to the each panelist’s heart!  How cruel can a woman be? Why couldn’t she just fake it and let him feel like a man. Why did she have to respond and respond with an incorrect no less!

The matter being weighty, we could not postpone but tackle the issue immediately. This was more urgent than the implementation of the constitution. The constitution only affects Kenya. This was to affect all of huMANity. We had to come up with a way forward. The egos and well being of men all over was at stake. No man, whether he be from shanty towns of Timbuktu or the metropolis of New York. Whether he is from the belly of the earth itself, or considers the moon his abode. No man, should ever again suffer the indignity of having an incorrect answer to the question… “Who’s Your Daddy…”

I present the brief of our directives which shall be applied across the worlds. The detailed contents of the directives can be found at www.kuweniserious.info.ke

Eject Mass Storage Device

The first thing all men are to do whenever faced with what we shall from here henceforth refer to as an incorrect answer, is quickly EJECT mass storage device. No trying to redeem yourself. An insult like that is not to be taken lightly. No sense in saving anything.

Johnny Bravo Moment

After the knockout punch that is an “incorrect answer” what one needs to get right back up, is a “Johnny Bravo” moment. How? Simple… random fornication with quick kills like mboches,ex-girlfriends (Meaning your ex mboches) and a visit to the “right hand gymnasium” should do just fine. Once you have gone around behaving like an idiot of a human being, you are now back on your feet and can start scheduling a re-match against the said Miss. Incorrect Answer. For the re-match, this is what the panel strongly recommends…

Re-Match Time

Given that you have more than a point to prove, you will need to be at your best. You need to buy enough stock of the infamous Mukhobero herb. This is to be found in Western Kenya and is said to be the cause of the “Muliro Gardens Saga”.  You are to partake of this herb religiously. Have it like mediaction. After breakfast, after lunch and after dinner. Actually, scrap that. Have it instead of meals! Next and very importantly, you need to invest in Peanuts. You will not have margarine on bread, but instead, have Peanut Butter. You will have some peanut butter sauce to go with lunch as well. Next, I suggest you invest in Yoghurt. One lesson we have learnt from “Muliro Gardens” is that Yoghurt is some form of aphrodisiac!

Now you are ready to make the call! You are ready for the re-match.

Again I ask…

If on re-match day and after pumping your body with chemicals meant to stimulate the system, you again ask… “who’s your daddy…” and you get an answer “Bado ni Baba Shiko tu…” said as she continues knitting or filing her nails, then my good friend, I have some advice for you… Resort to the solace and comfort of what is commonly referred to in I.T as “Local Hosting!”.

You have obviously hit a brick wall and found “server error”. The good thing about “local Hosting” is that you can be your own super star. You can do the un-imaginable with Dettol Soap as Julie soothes you… You can stare at Wahu’s Airbrushed body and make her sweat!!… Heck, you can use panga soap and “local host” to an elderly mother! You will be the super star and holder of your own fate. Interesting what Wanjiru’s mother will have as answer if you ask “who’s my Daddy??..”

Great to be back… I’m out!

As Ray Says: Goodbye

 

I was young (bop)
And didn’t have no where to run
I needed to (wake up) and see (and see)
What’s in front of me (na-na-op)
There had to be, a better way say it again
To show I’m grateful (hum)
So I thought up this song
To show my appreciation for lovin’ me so long
You don’t know how much you mean to me

Chorus:
‘Cause even though when times get rough
You never turned away
You were right there
And I thank you (thank uooo)
When I felt I had enough
You never turned away
You were right there
And I thank you (thank you)

Thank You- Boyz II Men

Looking back at the past year and a half… I cant help but SMILE! Starting this blog, has been one of the most fulfilling venture I have ever embarked on.

Many faces I have met… Many friendships I have built. Many smiles I have seen. Many laughs I have generated. This year though.. I call it quits!

2010 is the year I can say I ruled. Post after post I took this blog that notch higher! I got to be featured in a daily…the same daily that eventually plagiarized my work. I topped a blog competition and I met many readers who gave me many hugs.

I had this blogpost all thought out… I knew exactly what I was going to write, but today, as I say Goodbye, words that you have become accustomed to fail me. Today, I can only say THANK YOU.

Many wonder what the process of writing-Raymond style-takes… Sometimes, I just doodle on and something just seems to fit in. Sometimes, I hear a song and what I want to write about automatically comes to mind. One of my most rewarding moments in 2010 was when I wrote with a certain Archer Mishale. About a month before this blogpost, we discussed doing something together. Well, when I did a draft and sent it to him… he called me and said he’d try getting it right because in his words… “Your humor is on another level”. He can tell you that its not easy working with Raymond. I kept calling him… Texting him…I wanted to get his input. I needed his input! A short while later and Archer delivered. I remember reading what he’d sent and I was falling with laughter. I couldn’t believe it! It was done. That post… was special.

2010 is when I bore my heart out… not for sympathy, but for you to know the pain behind the man. Nkirdizzle asked me to do a guest post for her. I wanted to do something along the lines of the alcohol bill…but I didn’t know much about alcohol bills except for those that the waiter brought right after he opened my White Cap. I decided to give the world my story! Once I had it all written down, I felt this huge release. It was like letting go of so much pain. It felt like so much anger and pain had been lifted off my shoulders.

2010 is when I hosted people at my blog. Anonymous people with stories like this one, to share were invited and they told you my readers, of the different experiences they’d had. To my anonymous writers, I say a big thank you and I hope their stories touched each and everyone of you.

I don’t think I know yet, just the number of people who read this blog. For those that do, I say a big thank you. Its always an honor to receive your comments. Those comments mean so much to me. I know I have many “silent” readers. Those that read, and do not comment. THANK YOU! I know of many that have referred their friends to my blog. I couldn’t do this without you.

This blog has changed my life. You have all touched me in ways I never thought possible. What was meant to be mindless rantings and musings of a lunatic, has changed into what I hope are well thought out stories that touch on everyday life…with a pinch of salt of course.

I have so much to say…but I do not know how to say it. Will I be back? Maybe… I guess I just need to read a post that blow all lids away like Magaribina’s Phone Review… Or read something deep and moving like this post from Mrs Mwiti.

For the last year and a half, I have given you smiles and laughs. What you have given me though, I will never measure. I can not measure. I hope I have given back to the blogosphere by raising its profile and creating awareness about this thing called blogs. If I recruited one more member into the world that is blogging, then I believe I have done a decent enough job.

As I hang my mouse and shut down my computer, I have this buzzing music in my head… I hope Code Red can do a mixtape of #RuttoPlaylist. As I hang my mouse, I hope to be back soon. As I hang this mouth and shelve my keypad… I have nothing but my most heartfelt thanks to you all for supporting me. As I hang my mouse, shelve my keypad and turn off my computer, all I am left to say is… Its been one hell of a ride. THANK YOU!

 

Prison Break: The Hague 6 Episode

“Bad boys, bad boys
Whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do
When they come for you
When you were eight
And you had bad traits
You go to school
And learn the golden rule
So why are you
Acting like a bloody fool
If you get hot
You must get cool”

Bad Boys- Inner Circle

Ocampo has finally name the six, that the I.C.C believes bears the greatest responsibility. Being the ultimate traveler that I am, I hereby bring you the story from three months down the line. In the month of March 2011, the “Hague 6” will stage a prison break!

The TV series Prison Break goes a little bit like this… Michael Scoffield gets himself arrested. He does this, to try break his brother Lincoln out of Fox river prison. As the series goes on, Michael Scoffield finds it difficult to work alone and so he gets help-some of it un warranted- to help break his brother out. An F.B.I agent is hot on their heels along with the prison warder. That’s the brief…

Fast forward to the month March 2011. You can stream live happenings at www.hague6break.co.ke

 

Scoffield Kenyatta

A member of Kenya’s elite society. His friend has been arrested and is at Central Police station. He conjures up a plan to burst his good friend and brother out.

Lincoln Rutto

He claims it’s a government conspiracy out to finish him. His only hope for freedom lies outside the scope of justice. The odds are stacked against him. He knows that this is the end of the road. He pleads innocence. Lucky for him, he knows he has a brother and a friend, he knows he can always count on Scoffield Kenyatta!

T-Bag Kosgay

He has a list of accusations against him longer than a roll of toilet paper. He has been out the run for years. This time, the long arm of the law seems to have caught up with him. His only hope of getting out of Central Cop station, is by clinging on to Scoffield and Link… His accent and look make him a very distinct character. He has never stood on his own two feet. He always leans on someone… and often bends over and why does he do all that? Oh well.. is KOS he’s GAY!

Sucre Muthaura

Soft spoken. He was framed for a crime he did not commit. His only crime, was that of passion and being in the wrong place at the wrong time. He is at Central police station and many believe he has been falsely accussed. He was set-up. Those that set him up, are roaming free. Will Sucre Muthaura squeal? Lucky for him, Scofield and Link, have a plan. From the cells of central, he can see the plush hotel that he often stayed. In his heart, he is clean. he has built a friendship with both Kenyatta and Rutto. He hopes that when the time comes, they will take him along.

Abruzzi Ali

A general by right… Abruzzi Ali is a kingpin of the underground. He is the boss and his name precedes him even at Central! He finds himself at central not by his own making, but because his people went amock. He bears responsibility because those he entrusted with command, went absolutely berserk. He now has to pay for the sins of his hirelings. Ali, rarely smiles, but he knows people on the outside he can work with.

Lincoln Junior Arap Sang

He is paying for the sins committed by his father. L.j.s finds himself alongside seasoned professionals. He is at a distinct disadvantage. Lincoln Rutto can not do without L.J.S… Scoffield Kenyatta knows that he will have to break out L.J.S. The plan is set in motion.

Bellick Ocampo

He is in charge of the cells at central. He single handedly has made life, a living nightmare.

The characters are in place… the plan is in motion. And now, its game on.

The Plan…

Scoffield with all his wisdom, decided to survey the region around central in advance. When he had everything in motion, he went to his tattoo artist to get it all sketched in his body. Unfortunately, Scoffield Kenyatta went to the tattoo guy via the bar. He got himself in a drunken stupor. It is only on day two that Scoffield Kenyatta realized that he gave his instruction upside down. His tattoos do not make any sense. However, he has guaranteed his brother Lincoln Rutto that he will come through for him.

What else can go wrong? A lot!

Scoffield Kenyatta gets incarcerated at central. Lincoln Rutto vows to protect him from other inmates as they work on their plans. To do this, he will have to rely on the strong arm tactics of Abruzzi Ali. He also has to make sure that he does not get himself entangled with the mean warden in charge of the facility. Mr Bellick Ocampo.

Lincoln Rutto’s hand is everywhere a central. He has to protect L.J.S and from T-Bag Kosgay. T-Bag Kosgay has an ability to talk his way into and out of everything. Lincoln’s greatest fear is that T-Bag Kosgay will do unthinkable to L.J.S.

Sucre Muthaura, soft spoken, with a big heart is recruited to be the look out chap. He is to again be the spanner boy. How will they escape?… Now that Scofield’s map is upside down and nobody can make heads or tales of it.

The Escape

After much debate, it is agreed, that T-Bag Kosgay will be left behind to face the wrath of Bellick Ocampo alone. He will be the fall out guy. Abruzzi Ali, with his connections at central, manages to get a vehicle on the ready. The car is to be on University Way. The get away driver is his good friend and former A.P commandant. The A.P commandant owes Abruzzi Ali a favor and he wishes to redeem himself by helping out Ali.

On the night of the break, T-Bag refuses to fall for the tricks of Scofield and Lincoln. He hangs on to the coat tails of L.J.S for he knows that this is his meal ticket. The look out boy, Mr Sucre Muthaura, manages to fool Mr Bellick Ocampo with his innocent look. Little does Bellick Ocampo know that behind the innocence,is a tough tricky fellow. Bellick Ocampo is about to find things out the hard way!

L.J.S being the smallest of the group, is tasked with sneaking between the bars and opening them from the outside. He then opens the cell doors for the other escapees-T-Bag close behind. The group realizes that they will not be able to shake him off. They all have to go.

Once outside the cell, L.J.S opens the doors and it is then that they try to refer to Scofield’s tattoos. They are not understandable. However, Abruzzi Ali, gets a phone, thanks to his connections in the inside, and a call is placed to the “outside”. Someone M-Pesa’s some money and the doors at central are flung open!

Once outside the gates of central… Scofield looks at Lincoln and they cant believe Abruzzi’s people have not arrived. Abruzzi Ali calls his “people” and they mad a mistake. They didn’t realize that Chinese Wooiye Company were redoing University Way. With all the traffic, they run out of fuel. Now, the Hague 6 have to make a run for it through town. Meanwhile, Bellick Ocampo is hot on the trail and he gets wind of the escape. He gathers that the Hague 6 are planning to board a matatu and they have been spotted at Odeon. Scofield Kenyatta being the man with the plan, had a plan B as well. They take a train instead and from there, its all the way to Uganda. Upon getting to the railway station, bad news hits them… when people at Kibera heard that Abruzzi Ali had escaped prison, they started demonstrating and at they have Ngoad Reli. It is not looking good for the Hague 6.

Bellick Ocampo, is a man on a mission. He wants the Central escapees now known as the Hague 6 back in his cell and he is willing to go to all lengths to get them back. Only one man still roams the earth after escaping from Bellick Ocampo. He is called Bashir.

As I write this from March 2011, I am informed that Scofield Kenyatta and Lincoln Rutto are free and rumored to be holed up somewhere is Western Kenya. L.J.S whereabouts are yet to be known, but inside sources say he was re-arrested by Bellick Ocampo and is being used as bait. To get information out L.J.S, unorthodox tactics have been put in place. T-Bag Kosgay having been re-captured, has been rewarded for squeeling. By being put in the same cell as L.J.Sang.

March 2011, the Hague 6 are on the run. I will keep you abreast on matters as they unfold. The situation is as volatile as ever. Now, let me time travel to my world. And on a final note, the biggest hit of the year 2011 so far, is “Muhadhara Remix” by the Baks. The song goes… “Tiga ne Ali ningepatwa na Muthaura, tiga ne Ngai ningepatwa na muhadhara….”

Guest post

A new day… and a new first. A good friend of mine asked me to do a guest post on her blog… I decided to give the best of Raymond and share something from deep within. I share MY STORY.  A story I have not told before. I give you, a little piece of me. Enjoy the story here —> http://wp.me/phIH6-i3

Niko Na Kikwetu

“Nafurahia Undugu na uko wetu
Nasherekea Kazi na bidii yetu
Tuvute pamoja Tushirikiane
Bega Kwa Bega tujikaze tusaidiane

Niko na
Niko na uwezo
Wakuji Kujiendeleza
Niko na
Niko nayo nguvu
Nitaji
Nitajitahidi
Niko na
Niko na fanaka
Nitaji
Nitajitolea
Niko na
Niko na baraka
Kwa kazi
Kazi nayofanya
Niko na Fahari
Niko na furaha
Niko na uwezo
Niko na SAFARICOM”

Niko Na- Safaricom Choir

I don’t know about you, but I love the new Safaricom advert. The whole NikoNa concept is brilliant. Some say it may have been “borrowed”, but I for one am sold by the beauty and diversity of Kenya.

In the spirit of “Kenyanness”, I decided to put together an elite team of linguists all accomplished in various dialects. The brief was to translate the Safaricom song into some of the most romantic Kenyan languages. I do not know how well they performed, that is for you to judge…and please feel free to add your own translation. The more the languages, the more the unity…

As it happens, mother-tongue is a huge challenge to most of my friends… they claim to be able to speak it, but writing it proved to be a different challenge altogether… enjoy and please add your language and please feel free to correct my experts.

Sheng

Ubeste na ubro yetu inanikwachu mzeeiya
Nabambika na waks na bidii yetu
Tupull pamoja …..
Tukae pamoja ka mabeste JO

Maze jo
Maze jo nina strength
Ya kwenda mbele
Maze jo
Nikona strength
Nita
Nitajikaza
Maze jo
Niko mbele
Nita
Nimejitolea jo
Maze jo
Maze niko na Sir God
Kwa ma waks
Waks na-do

Nikona something ka fahari hivi

Nimebambika jo
Nikona strength
Niko na SAFARICOM/SAFCOM

Translated by: RUMBISH

Kalenjin

Ababai en chomyet ne nyon
Ababai en kimnatenyon
Tuvute pamoja Tushirikiane

Ongichut tugul en kibagenge
Tigikto en tigikto ketoretigei

Amiten ak
Atinye Kimnotet
Natese taa
Amiten Ak
Atinye kimnotet
Agilei
Agile gei

Amiten Ak
Atinye ……
Agonu gei
Amiten Ak
Atinye berur
En choyoei
En kasit nayoei
Atinye berur

Atinye baibaiyet

Atinye kimnotet

Amiten ak SAFARICOM/SAVARIGOM

Translated by: Yours Truly

Kikuyu

Nindirakenera urumwe na uiguano witu

Nindirakunguira wira na kwirutira gwitu

Turute hamwe tunyitaniire

Kiande gwa kiande twirutanirie tuteithanie

Ndinaa

Ndina na uhoti

Wagwituara na mbere

Ndinaa

Ndina hinya

Ningwi 

Ningwirutaniria

Ndinaa

Ndina ugaciru   

Ningwi

Ningwirutira

Ndinaa

Ndinaa irathimo

Wira-ini

Wira-ini uria ndiraruta

Ndina gikeno

Ndina uhoti

Na ndina SAFARICOM/ THABARIKOM

Translated By: ProudKikuyuWoman and Joeemgee 

 Lughya

Sangarira uvulala nende uluyia lwefwe,

Ndekhoyera emirimo nende ukhwekasa khwefwe

Khuhorere alala

Khwekase khuhonyane

Ndi nende

Ndi nende uvunyala

Ovwekhwekhusa

Ndi nende

Ndi nende amaani

Ndetu

Ndetusa

Ndi nende

Ndi nende ovuyinda

Ndetu

Ndetusa

Ndi nende

Ndi nende ekhabi

Khumirirmo

Khumirimo kikhola

Ndi nende khwehoyera

Ndi nende ovusangafu

Ndi nende ovunyala

Ndi nende SAFARICOM/TSAF-RRICOM

Translated By: Rebizz and Elsie

Kamba

Niiwua muyo ni usyao na mbai yiitu

Niiwua muyo ni wia na vitii yiitu
Tukusye vamwe, tukwatanie

Kituo na kituo, twikase, tuteetheaniisye

Ni na
Ni na vinya
Wa kwiyeendeesya

ni na vyina

Ningwiikasa
Ni na…
ni na ___ (dunno what fanaka is)

Ningwii…
Ningwiiyumisya

Ni na….
Ni na baraka
Kwa wia…
Kwa wia ula ngwiika

Ni na

Ni na muyo
Ni na vinya
Niko na

Ni na SAFARICOM/Zavalicom

Translated By: Naomi

Luo

Amor kuom watmarwa                
An gi Yilo kwuom tich matek ma watiyo
Wayuogre , wati kanyakla
Wariw lwetewa wakonyre

An gi
An gi nyalo
Mar dongora
An gi
An gi teko
Abiro
Abiro  tiyo matek
An gi
An gi …..
Abiro
Abiro chiwora
An gi
An gi gweth
E tich
E tich ma atiyo
An gi teko
An gi mor
An gi nyalo
An gi SAFARICOM/SAFARICOM

Translated By: Magaribina

Big thanks to my translators and I look forward to your comments, additions and corrections. Our languages are beautiful. My translators may well make a very good case for re-introduction of mother tongue back into our education system, but that is an argument for another day. #NikoNa

I am who I am, NOT what I am…

Recently, our Prime Minister was quoted calling for the arrest of all gays and lesbians in Kenya. We seem to be going the route of Uganda and are becoming a more intolerant society.

I received this e-mail-Yes, I am fast becoming story central-and I just had to share the story of this woman. Probably fed up of men asking for three-somes, women wondering what is wrong with her, and society trying to beat her sexuality of her, she decided to just let it out. She loves who she is, and she makes no apologies for it. As always, I suggest you take a comfortable sitting position, free your mind and read on.

“This was never the way I planned
Not my intention
I got so brave, drink in hand
Lost my discretion
It’s not what, I’m used to
Just wanna try you on
I’m curious for you
Caught my attention

I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chapstick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don’t mean I’m in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it”

I Kissed A Girl- Kate Perry

I am a woman, I look just like any other woman you meet on the streets, in a restaurant, though that has to be a really nice one, and I love shoes.
Feels like am in an AA meeting of sorts as I say this, which I kind of am, since I have decided to acknowledge what some people know of me. Where to start?? Oh well, from the begin I guess…

I met her back then, you know… way “back when”, and it seems like such a long time ago. She was many things… she came from a well off family, but at the same time, she was the nicest person you would ever wish to meet. She was my best friend, always looking out for me, like a big sister but better.

We were very good friends, always looking out for each other and then one day, one brilliant day… she kissed me! It was early morning, she’d just come in, and she woke me up with a deep, sensual kiss.
I don’t know what was more confusing; the kiss, or the fact that I dint object or feel bad about it! It was tearing me apart on the inside and I couldn’t tell anyone coz I dint even know where I would start;
“She kissed me! I have been violated! What am I going to do?” Is what I probably would have said to the world.

The truth was:
She kissed me, it felt nice and I really didn’t know what to do about it.
I was young, so I did the only logical thing that came to me- I avoided her, changed my day’s program, (short of sleeping during the day) not that it was clock work, but I basically did things different just so I would not bump into her.

After a whole week of thinking, I missed my friend more than I was confused, so I went to her, gave a great big hug, and NO we did not jump into bed on a discovery mission-it happens that way in cheap movies or on animal planet, but not in real life.
We did not discuss previous happenings, but instead went back to a semblance of what used to be our relationship and I think we both decided (unspoken) that we would take it one step at a time. And there started my first relationship with a woman. It was different, it was all consuming, it was overwhelming, it was all that is was never meant to be. I grew to love her in a way I had loved none before. My feelings for her ran deeper than anything I’d ever felt before. Thinking back… I feel moved and I’m busy trying to resist the urge to call her, if for nothing else… Just to hear her voice say “Hi..”

The first time I got into bed with her, it was amazing; I had never been with a man, yes I was a virgin, but even after being with a man, I still didn’t feel what I felt with her, it was like she knew what I wanted. It was like she knew how I wanted it… Before I said it, I was feeling it. It was pure telepathy.

And I guess here is where it gets different,

I like women, and I mean sexually; but I also like men.
I go to a woman because she is emotional, because she doesn’t go, “bang-wham-thank-you-ma’am”. I go to a woman because she will listen to what I want, she will tell me how.

I go to a man because sometimes, men make me feel secure, strong, and sometimes for the sadistic thought of having power over what he feels when he is with me.

Someone once told me that I have “daddy issues”, and maybe I do, and maybe I like women because unlike a man’s violation of me, she gives me comfort and she makes me feel that when I am with her, its not just about sex, it’s a conversation, not a domination (dominatrix rule in their own way) she makes me feel, she lets me feel. With a woman, it is for real.

I am a bi-sexual woman. I like being with both sexes.
Lesbians say am a fence sitter, men get turned on by the idea, and the straight women act all disgusted.
I have fought what I feel, but eventually, I gave in, I accepted it and it became easier to deal with my feelings. I have enough to deal with without having to think about what she/he will think of me.

I have been in a few serious relationships, all with women and not once did I feel different. Disagree you may. Judgmental you may be, but the same things you go through with your ‘significant other’ I went through with my girlfriend(s).
We had jealous fits, we fought over petty things, we had arguments, we made up, we made love, the whole shebang.

I have had some relationships with men, but maybe what I’ve been through with them inclined me more towards women, or maybe it’s the heightened experience of self that I’ve I had with women that gave me my preference for women.

Every time I get into a relationship with a man, I make a point of letting them know that I am bi-sexual. Some guys encourage me, but not because they care how I feel, but because they think its “hot” for two women to be together. I had an ex tell me that he wouldn’t, under any circumstances, be associated with “things” like that. It felt like a whack right across the face, and it stung. More than the physical pain, it hurt me deep in my heart.
The one thing I never understood about him is his double standards and the way he changed facts and opinions in the blink of an eye! Like you were having a conversation with someone else and woke up to find your self in an alternate universe with the same person.

I am half in the closet, half out of the closet. My closest friends know about my sexuality, but my family doesn’t. My family has these people who are self righteous, and only see other people’s faults, never their own. I have ostracized them for so long it feels almost second nature to me; but then again, they are still family and so I keep them in the dark. I was thinking about it the other day, if they found out I was pregnant, it would be the talk of every family meet (which I should mention, only happens when someone dies) but if they found out about my sexuality, they would call an intervention for me, they are mostly drama queens and kings, it sometimes feels like I’m right back in high school!

A little while ago, my sister had her suspicions. She called my niece- she actually is more of an evil twin than a niece- and in true African tradition, they prayed for me. I understand where they are coming from, but I tried too, and here, some judgmental folk will come out with torches and pick forks baying for my blood, but that is just it, this is me, am not going to change and you cant beat what I am out of me.
While we are on this, who made you so righteous? You cheat on a man, and you think, “He deserved it”, you lie through your teeth, you sleep with married men, and you accord yourself the moral authority to pass judgment upon me? You believe yourself to be more righteous than I am? With me, I hurt no one and I am happy and guilt doesn’t eat at me.

Notice I made the above inference on women only, this is because they are the most judgmental, pretentious people. Women will look at another woman in such bad light for something they consider wrong, yet their own doings, will dos, or current doings are little short of pure evil, only difference is, they just have not been found out… YET!
I have more male friends than I do female, one of the main reason being that men aren’t petty and they stick around… tell a woman you are queer and they think they will ‘catch’ it. As if sexuality is a cold!

Men do ask, and when I tell them my sexual preference, and trust me, it creeps into so many conversations, you can’t explain how; they ask,
“Can I watch? I promise I will not touch… Not even myself, unless you want me to”
The thing you don’t get is, it’s as private as your being with a woman intimately, would you let me watch you and your wife/girlfriend having sex? Then don’t ask me to let you watch!! And while on the subject, who told you it has to involve a man?
Men think that without them, sex can’t happen, well, it does. Just so you know, more than 80% of women cum coz of clitoral stimulation.
It is not something we do for fun, it’s serious.

There is this breed of women, Tyra called them “bar-sexual” they get high and think, “Hey, a girl, want to make out?”
These girls think its cool to be lesbian or to have gay traits, they make it seem like a joke, they don’t get the heat that the rest get, its annoying to be anywhere near them!
These girls act cool, and they make the ones who are ‘real’ get discredited, they are not taken seriously, people think it’s a fad, it is serious.

I may not really get the brunt of it coz I am bi-sexual, but I still feel it. I feel unwanted, but hey, I love me, so there, go stick to someone else. It took a lot of work and tears to be who I am, if you don’t like it, then that is your loss, coz if you stopped to look at this person, you know… really look, you would realize they are a wonderful soul and the only difference is our sexuality. I don’t care that you are sleeping with someone’s man/woman, so why should you concern yourself how I derive my pleasure?

I haven’t met a girl who didn’t doubt herself at first, tried not to be who they are, and that is just the reality. We hurt and try to conform to what society needs us to be, but then again, we can’t live for society, when you take crap coz you are out of work, does society come into play? No it doesn’t, so there, I am who I am and society will not change it.

I am a woman; I am bi-sexual, deal with it.

The ABC of HIV Prevention- Let’s Talk Abstinence

Every 1^st of December, the world wears a ribbon on its sleave in a show of solidarity with those infected and affected by HIV and AIDS.

This morning, I received an e-mail from someone who I will keep anonymous… I suggest you take a moment and read… and then go get tested. As the matatu graffiti screams… “Waringa na hata hujapimwa”! Know your status.

Na kama unayo, si mwisho ya maisha
Ni ugonjwa tu kama malaria
Meza dawa, piga tizi, kula vizuri, utaishi fiti
Maisha utayasukuma (x2)

Na mijinga usiyojua kujichinga
Kila shimo unaona unadunga
Hebu jichunge kijana utakuja kufa tukuzike Lang’ata
Paja asione tu, huyo ashainua
Kifua kisipite tu, huyo ashajigonga
Tako lisipite tu, mate yashamtoka (x2)

Vuta Pumz- Logombaz

Ours is a generation in serious trouble.  Our attitude towards sex is alarmingly blasé. At the beginning of the HIV fight people talked of the ABCs of Prevention. That was soon abandoned when it was realized that most people couldn’t (didn’t want to?) Abstain and with the new age of open mpango wa kandos, Being Faithful became a obsolete notion. So the focus has mainly been on condom use to the extent that the Pope recently allowed people to use condoms. And I don’t discount that. Condom use goes a long way in keeping people sex.

But I think it’s time we took a step back and halted this downward spiral. We need to save this generation. It’s time everybody took responsibility.

I’m 29 yr old healthy lady living in Nairobi. And I’m celibate. No, I’m not a virgin and I’m not nun. I made a choice.

Impossible you say? Almost.

Despite growing up on strict “no sex before marriage” values, I lost my virginity at 23. The first thought after was ‘is this it?’ The experience wasn’t really what it had been made out to be. The second thing was “shit we didn’t use a Condom. Need to get me some P2 pills. Don’t want to get pregnant.” I never for a minute thought about AIDS. He was my boyfriend and I trusted him. I later found out he had cheated on me. He probably had unprotected sex with her too. I was worried but not overly so. But he looked pretty healthy so I never went for a test. For the next 5 years, I went through 3 more boyfriends. As the sex got better, I had more unprotected encounters than I care to count. We always started with good intentions. We would be strictly on condoms for the first few weeks, but deep into the relationship we felt that we knew each other well enough not to use them.  At the end of each relationship I would experience a moment of doubt and would wonder if he was completely faithful. And it wasn’t just me. Many of my friends were having unprotected sex. In retrospect our attitude was shocking. It’s not like we didn’t know about AIDs. We talked about it. Most of us were too scared to seek confirmation. So we pretended not to care.

The first time I got tested was after I broke up with a notorious bad boy. But I didn’t go to a VCT centre. I went to donate blood. It was easier because you don’t have to sit through the nerve wrecking lecture before they give you the results. You go donate blood and come back a few days later to get your card. I don’t know what they wrote on the card if you tested positive but I was lucky. But the few days wait was still scary. And each time I would tell myself that I wouldn’t put myself at risk again. But somehow I found myself back in the same cycle.

About two years ago, I ran into an ex. One thing led to another and we found ourselves in bed sans condoms. To this day I can’t explain how I could do something so stupid. My stupidity was rewarded a few weeks later when I discovered I was pregnant. After the initial shock, I realized I wanted the baby. It would be difficult but for the first time I was determined to face the consequences of my actions. I thought about the possibility of AIDs, but I put it to the back of my mind as I prepared for the baby.

On my first pre-natal visit, one of the things I was supposed to do was get a HIV test. While I was sitting in the waiting room, for the first time in my life I seriously thought about the consequences of repeatedly having unprotected sex. I was pregnant and I had a chance of being HIV positive. Worse, I might have exposed my unborn baby to it. I felt the weight of all my irresponsible decisions. I can’t explain what I felt in those moments before I got my results. As much as I always had sex within relationships, I wasn’t careful enough. Many people, as much as they know AIDS is real, have the attitude that it happens to someone else. For the first time it sunk in that it could happen to me. And in a few minutes I would find out. Once again I was lucky. I tested negative. But that feeling never left me. I wasn’t meant to have the baby cos I had a miscarriage a few weeks later. But that just magnified the feeling that something has to change. As I grieved for the unborn, I also felt that I had been given a new beginning. I had been lucky, and I realized just how it could have easily gone the other way. I didn’t deserve it. Granted I wasn’t promiscuous but I was careless and stupid so many times. And God chose to spare me, but so many were not lucky. There was no way I was looking that gift horse in the mouth.

Being celibate isn’t easy. Especially if you maintain a healthy social life. We are bombarded with sex everywhere. It takes very strong will power. So many times I’ve almost given up. Someone once said, virginity is like Pringles, once you pop you can’t stop. Funny, but true. It’s a lot easier staying a virgin than being celibate. I stopped dating because it was too hard convincing some guys that as much as you’re not a virgin you won’t have sex with you. One accused me of playing mind games, using sex as a weapon. But it gets easier with time, you get stronger. It reaches a point where you think and it’s just not worth it giving all the hard work up for a quick romp. And that is the surest way of not getting HIV. I go to bed every night knowing that I am not at risk. I haven’t gone for testing since, but I know my status. And I plan to keep it that way. So I need to find me a man to marry who is as serious about protecting himself. Who’s up for the challenge?

As Ray Would Say: Western Seduction

“mulina wanje

mulina wanje vanee,

mundu mulosi weee..

waimalila vana vanjeee..

anzieena khumshalo,

anziena khumshalo,

yesuuu nuyanza umbugulii..”

Omundu Omulosi- Ev Joseph Shisia Wasira

Lyrics thanks to Janet Mudanya

Road trips are my kind of fun. I like being in the great out doors meeting people on the ground. For your reading pleasure, I took a road trip over the weekend to Kenya’s Western region… formerly known as Western Province, now subdivided into many counties! “Abandu ba Ingokho” are a great and diverse people. I just had to do a survey and a blog post !

People from western are a peculiar and very funny lot! I hereby would like to honor them, by giving them the accolade, “Innovators Of Kenya”. They have given Kenya many firsts. They have led the way in many fronts. Most of the fronts are indeed rather irrelevant, but that does not mean we see them any different! As I traversed the western region, crossing from Lugari to Malaba, from Bungoma to Mumias, from Kakamega to Butere…  The details of my findings, survey methodology and conclusions, can be found at www.azandazana.info.ke. Today, I give you bits. Look at your friend from western, give them a good hug, and start laughing, for I am about to take you on a trip, that just might rock your world!

Just how many firsts have western region given us?

Language:

Lets us give credit where its due. Who remembers some years back when the good people of western gave us a gem of a phrase that could fit into whatever conversation we were all having? The Phrase “FEELANGA FREE”! I have no idea how this came about, and interviews conducted by yours truly shed little light on this phrase. I however vividly re-call how this phrase worked its way into day to day conversation and it was normal to say “Feelanga Welcome”, “Feelanga High”. Basically, any action was preceded by the term “Feelanga”. As you read this, I say “Feelanga Enjoyment”.

Just as we thought it was a one off, the good people of western gave us the “kho” at the end of every sentence. A sentence is nowhere near being complete if it doesn’t have a “Kho” somewhere. For example, “Nataka kwendekho Nairobi”… And to give the statement the effect it sometimes needs, throw in a “muchamaa” somewhere! “Nataka kwendekho Nairobi MUCHAMAA” or “MUCHAMAA, nataka kwendekho Nairobi…” Our conversations would be ever so boring were it not for our westerners.

Westerners did not just add to every day lingo. They had to infiltrate our churches as well. They just had to give us “RISWA!” and “SHINDWE!”… If you hate on my blog, then “SHINDWE” wewe and to guard against witchcraft, I say “RISWA” as I jump up and down!

Communication:

Communication skills were taken two notches higher, when K.B.C introduced the “salaams” section to their programming kwa “Idhaa ya taifa”. Westerners forever changed communication in pre-mobile phone days.

Our radios were forever jammed with “Muchamaa, nataka salimie-kho watu wangu wote wa chavakali” and if that wasn’t enough, they just had to add the more spice and to the now brewing froth. They then gave us, “K.B.C ni nusu ya kuonana”. Years later, when we all thought they couldn’t improve from “nusu ya kuonana…” they said “Ni three quarter ya kuonana…”

If you think the language on radio was not enough, they then upped the game a little more. They decided to give us crocheted covers for their radios. Now the radio was beautiful both on the inside and on the outside. The cloths came in all fancy colors, from luminous green, to pink and it was carried by a man. A full blooded “mwana wa ingo” was not complete without his radio, blaring salaams of course,covered with that well crocheted material.

Transport:

Perhaps the one innovation that has been replicated up and down Kenya, is the “boda boda” concept. Who would have though it possible that a small sleepy town of Busia would give Kenya a transport template? What started as a means of crossing one from the Kenyan side of the border to the Ugandan side quickly transformed into an essential means of transport. The shine was obviously taken away from them by Nyanza folk who added engines to ordinary bicycles, but the concept itself, is owned by the “Ingo folk”. What even stands out more, is that most of the “boda boda” riders do not own that much needed document to cross the border. Yes, most do not have a passport. I even doubt that they have I.D cards!

Does anyone remember those Peugeot 505s that terrorized road users as they bolted to western? “WEPESI” and “BENWAYS” lead in new age dreaded transport. WEPESI meant –Western Peugeot Services. And didn’t they cruise and rule our highways. BENWAYS was the first bus company to earn the inglorious reputation, of having different stones for different speeds. It was said that because drivers got too tired of putting foot to pedal, they just got stones that they would place on the accelerator.

Religion:

“Wana Wa Ingo” are probably the most religious people around. Going by the number of “indigenous”  churches in western,I have concluded that these guys are forever in contact with some master.

It is a common sight to find people donned in purple and yellow robes, bearing huge sticks and enacting war scenes, drumming and chanting along the streets of Kakamega. It is interesting to note that they even have flags. “Dini la Msambwe” is a class act. They will sing and dance all morning and when the “service” comes to an end at 2 o’clock in the afternoon, they then retreat to a homestead, where they indulge in a tea drinking spree. Hot tea under the hot western sun makes for the end of a great service.

Men countrywide are often warned against women from western. It is said that one day, she will join a church and she will get engrossed in it so much, that it is a normal occurrence to hear a wife waking up at 3 a.m to pack up her bags because the pastor says they are marching to Jerusalem where their maker will come from the heavens above and swoop them to the much spoken of “after life”. Do I hear a “SHINDWE” from the audience?

Sports and Culture:

Our good folks not only gave Kenyans “Ingwe”… They have given us all manner of other sports, ranging from Bull Fighting to chicken fighting.

A.F.C Leopards is a giant in the Kenyan soccer scene and the clash between them and Gor Mahia is considered our local reply to Tanzania’s Simba Vs Yanga… Spain’s Barcelona Vs Real Madrid. We thank our good “Khomundus” for this.

Bull fighting has now transformed from a sport that was for village bragging rights, to a tourist attraction. Villages across chavakali,Mumias,Bungoma,Webuye,Sigalagala all give one prize bull for a contest that is now a ritual.

They also have not thrown away culture. Every two years, the country is treated to circumcision ceremonies fiestas from Lughya land. It is said that people travel from coast and wajir, just to bear witness to their brother-in-laws’s cousin going through this rite of passage. The dancing, the drumming and all festivities that come with the ceremony, is probably unrivalled!

Security:

So heavily involved in security are the western folk, that they were the first to give Kenyans vigilante groups. They gave us the rarely spoken of, but much feared “MSUMBIJI” in the 80s. This group was so feared, that to date, few dare speak of it. They are even listed as terror group! And you though Al-Qaeda came first!

Nairobi then saw the formation of a certain “jeshi”. This “jeshi” pummeled Rev. Njoya infront of watching cameras… This “Jeshi” was largely associated with a certain KANU hawk of western origin… No marks for guessing who!

Comedy:

Certified Kings of comedy in Kenya are not the likes of Churchill or Redykyulas. That honor needs to bestowed upon its rightful owners.

I ask Wakoli and Atwoli to please stand up. Before they even utter a single word, the audience is normally in stitches. Do they ever leave the audience disappointed? Not one single time. Who recalls the gem when Atwoli as Atwoli asked that police officers be issued with more than one gun? He said he’d watched movies and American cops always carried multiple guns on their way to save the day and if one gun ran out of bullets, then the other three tucked away would do the job. The way he said it, they actions he portrayed.. PRICELESS.

How can we forget Atwoli’s declaration “ Si hata Akaranga anatosha?”…. GENIUS!

Lets not forget other big players in the comedy scene… Wetangula saying “Tutaonana Omundu kwa Omundu” The problem was… HE WAS SERIOUS!

A lot can be said of our friends. What one can not dismiss, is that they have given Kenya so much spice and flavor. they are probably the most tribal Kenyans “in-house”. Ever listened to a Bukusu hating on a Batsotso??? You just got to love them.

Kenya’s fabric is laden with pearls and gems. Kenya’s fabric is intricately woven. Kenya’s fabric is fabulous and rich. Kenya’s fabric without the “ingo” people, would not be as classy and as flashy. It would not be as flamboyant or as colorful. It would not be as flavored or as tasteful, as it is with them in it. Let us appreciate our brothers for they make Kenya greater. Let us appreciate our western sisters for they are beautiful and full of fun. I appreciate you good folk. After all, I am dating one of your own!

THE 8 MONTH PLAN…

What does Raymond do to spice up his life?? Well, he reads elsie’s blog! Her latest post, is heartfelt and it speaks volumes about the woman she is, the woman she wants to be and the heavy baggage of being branded… For your reading pleasure, I give the script below because this gorgeous lady CAN WRITE! From the lady I fondly refer to as cous cous, here comes genius!

“Told myself I won’t complain
But some things have got to change
Not gon’ be a victim of
All your social push and shove
Right or wrong, you judge the same
My picture never fit your frame
What you thought, you’ll never know
You can’t see me with your mind closed
Should I wear my hair in a ponytail?
Should I dress myself up in chanel?
Do I measure me by what you think?
Absolutely not, absolutely not
If I go to work in a mini-skirt
Am I givin’ you the right to flirt?
I won’t compromise my point of view
Absolutely not, absolutely not”

Absolutely Not- Deborah Cox

I have to take you back to 1996. Sweet 16. I took my 1st puff, and it’s been downhill from then. I was with my then boyfriend, being cosy in a bar, having a Pilsner – don’t you dare judge – and I took a drag off an Embassy Kings cigarette. It looked cool, it felt cool and when I kissed him, that smoky aroma tasted good. The end is still being scripted, but that there, was the beginning.

I am a lady. I know I am. However, I am often defined first by my smoking habit, and then by everything else. We all have our skeletons in the closet. We all have those bad habits we would love to wish away, but mine, is public. Why judge me for my smoking and yet, I judge you not by your rather disgusting nose picking, not by your silly habit of grabbing at your “Junk” every chance you get, but I judge you for who you really are as a person. I love my body and I don’t take it for granted. I know about the consequences of smoking and I am trying to quit. I am up against a brick wall, but I know, I can kick the habit. Will that make me more of a lady? Or will you simply refer to me as “Person x” on the 2nd floor who used to smoke, BUT is a lady! For my loved ones, I choose to quit. For my future well-being, I choose to kick the habit.

I have not been on the dating scene for a while now, however, many times I am told I am a potential partner but lacking in the traditional morals. Reason being? I smoke. A guy once told me, though he smokes and his mom believes it’s a bad habit, he would never take a woman who smokes home. Are we getting warmer? The plot thickens when the guys I hang out with say to me, ‘you are one of us’. But what does this mean? It just means you are one of the guys and no man wants to date another ‘guy’ woman. It is a painful acknowledgement and I have come to realize that no man wants to date a woman who smokes. It is a bad habit and does not bring finesse, sexy or lady-like features to the front. A man is attracted to you because of how you carry yourself. It is considered appalling for a woman who is going to be the mother of your child to be smoking so no man wants to get close to that.

This habit also says things about how you care for the things that concern your life. How are you supposed to care for others when you cannot care for yourself? A man will go to a woman who keeps herself and watches over herself and is guaranteed of a life together without worrying about any lung diseases, incurring medical costs and losing a loved one while they watch helplessly. A man who wants you can help you fight the habit. But if he won’t say anything then you know that he is not there to stay. So you better do something about it to make him stay.

I know you hold a senior role in a corporate; you are an incredible woman with a level of intelligence that is admirable. My role however is to be the mouth that will speak wisdom and the reality on the ground to you. How about we use our intelligence to teach the young girls who are getting into this habit the cost that they might have to pay in the future. It may look cool now when in the pub with your friends smoking away, however, when you grow older your will end up with your stick with no one to hold you.

FACT: the older women in their 40s who smoke are single!
Here is my 8 month plan:
• Quit smoking
• Start exercising
• Manage my WorkLifeBalance and find a new hobby
• Talk to young ladies who smoke about my experience.

“Big Tobacco” would have us believe that smoking is an “Adult choice”. They have us believe that smoking is a “Lifestyle choice”. They would have us believe that Smoking comes with some “sex appeal” and one looks like they have an edge over those that do not smoke. Truth is, by the time you realize it’s harmful for you, it’s too late. It is then, that you realize that, you no longer have control over your urges. You realize that it is not a lifestyle choice. I know no idiot that ever chose the life of slavery. It is an addiction. Smoking is a far from a choice and all it does, is to line the pockets of “Big Tobacco”. I look at myself, and I see nothing sexy in smoking. If anything, I have lost my sex appeal. Am I faced with a choice? YES… But it is not a fair choice. What took one puff to get me hooked, will take a strong will to get myself off its hook. Non smokers often ask me, how does smoking feel? My answer? Well, It’s not how you feel when you smoke… it’s how you feel when you don’t smoke!

I know quitting will not hook me up with “THAT GUY”… I know the act of quitting will not make me complete. However, I do know, it will make me a better person. Both on the inside and on the outside. It will make me more confident. It will make me stronger. Kicking the habit makes me that much further from kicking the bucket!

Happy and Sad: She’s A Blonde!

 

“sa nishamwuliza ushamaliza skuli bana
niko third year University of Nairobi
kumpandilia itakuwanga hobby
akaniskiza twende walk in the park
nikamshika tuna-talk in the dark
ma-body language aka bubu talk
hapo Jeevanjee Gardens,
tushastukia ma-cop
wapi ID msichana, pia wee nyangau
mi kutoa yangu ye anawika amesahau
kumbe ni under 18
sa mi ningejuaje
kumbe ni under 18
venye anapewa maji
kumbe ni under 18
sijui itakuwaje
kumbe ni under 18
nitambiaje jaji”

Under 18- Jimwat

Life can be good, it can be great…and sometimes, it can be outright ridiculous! I sometimes wake up both happy and sad at the same time. “How?” you may ask… Well, think about a Friday morning. You wake up happy because you know it is Friday and the weekend is on! You wake up sad because…well, you have to go to your sad pathetic office for at least another 8 hours! There you go…. HAPPY AND SAD at the same time. Monday morning… you wake up sad, because the weekend is an agonizing 40 office hours, and happy because you had a blast of a weekend. HAPPY AND SAD at the same time! Now, imagine meeting someone, and in five minutes, you are both HAPPY AND SAD at the same time. That’s how I felt when I met my friend’s new mama. Two minutes of conversation with her and bang! HAPPY AND SAD at the same time! Happy because her “twins” were making contact with my eyes… sad because she in those two minutes, she proved beyond any shadow of a doubt that she was BLONDE as a brick! Calling her daft, is an insult to us daft people! Calling her silly, will lead to worldwide protests by the S.W.O (Silly World Organization) and calling her a moron, well… Now you want a revolt by those guys in Madagascar!

How is it that a woman can so blonde and she doesn’t know it? Are some women just inclined to ignorance? Do they just naturally come with a fully fitted “Anti-Nyita” gadget, installed and all subscriptions paid? I embarked on a journey. In my journey, I took along my erstwhile sidekick Mr.Rumbish! The Brief? Get a comprehensive listing of exactly how many types of blondes exist. After asking many questions… venturing into territories unknown. Talks behind closed doors… listening into conversations in pubs and salons. I can proudly announce, that my mission is complete! I can announce to the world, that should you log on to www.dontbeblonde.info.ke you will find the entire listing of my findings!

What makes a woman blonde is still as yet to be thoroughly defined. However, the traits of a blonde are clear as day, for all to see! I have classified the types of blondes into categories as seen fit by my panel of experts and agreed to by Rumbish. I hereby present, the Blonde Mannerisms and traits!

The Rocket Blonde

This is she that recently happened on traffic lights. She is a statistic. She has impacted on the Rural-Urban Migration balance. She recently chanced on an established fellow, who was faced with pressure to get hitched as soon as possible.

She landed in the city and two trips to “Nairobi Stalls” and she thinks she knows the city. Little does she know that Nairobi “Iko na wenyewe”. Just because she knows a street or two, she now thinks she can give directions to everyone from her shags.

This “Rocket Blonde”, thinks she knows better than born and bred Nairobians. You can spot them all over. They bargain for everything. They can not believe the price of fuel and so they will go to a petrol station-to buy kerosene because she still hasn’t learnt to use gas-and she will insist that the pump attendant “Jazas” that kerosene container. At a Supermarket, she will hold up the queue as she bargains with the cashier. And that’s not all…. The Rocket Blonde in the big city will dress in a manner suggesting that Lady Gaga’s and Manduli’s stylists merged and started a fad! Boots,short skirt and that over the top head dress!… The boots will be white, the short dress will be an African partern and the head gear will be a lesso she threw on her head! As men try developing counties by exposing the rural folk to the city, they should also consider the “Nyita-Scale” of the person being upgraded!

The Educated Blonde

This is the blonde who has a PHD in a course that ends with “..etrics” and “…mics”. She has the book smarts to make Einstein smile. That’s the HAPPY part… and now for the SAD part!

She knows next to nothing about everything else. Should you happen to spot a minister in town… she will have the audacity to ask… “Kwani who is he?” … I can bet you my bottom dollar, that she knows nothing about anything outside her scope of study! She probably still thinks Bahati Airtel is called Kencel!… Being with an educated blonde is agony at its best. She somehow believes the world rotates around her axis, and nothing outside her” …etrics” study matters. She will often quote researches she did, just to re-affirm the fact that she has a PHD… when you mention a simple fact like say… Kenyan elections will be held in the same year as American elections,she will go on quote a study she did comparing some trends in America and how they relate to a Kenyan model. Talk about traffic on Thika road, and guess what? She will quote another she did in Mongolia, but to add insult to injury, she will proudly profess the fact that she does not even know that we have road works on Thika Road!.. How again???

The Know-It-All Blonde

Now, this blonde will make you HAPPY because she knows the current trends. She knows whats hip and whats not in vogue. The SAD part of this, is that she knows nothing outside the world of fashion. She knows all band members of SautiSol in a way that SautiSol probably don’t know. Mention Amani and she knows who designed the clothes she’s been wearing of late. Mention the headline of today’s newspaper and if it does not concern some celebrity or celebrity wanna-be, and you’ll draw a blank stare. Her main if not only source of information, is facebook. Every so often, she will venture into the world of reading Pulse, but she just breezes through the pictures.
She is your gossip 101 know it all. She has not opened any intellectually challenging book in years and the reason I chose to have this category this deep into the post, is because I know she did not read past the lyrics at the start of this post! If you are dating this kind of woman, then as PRIS…PRIS PRIS PRIS, just get rid of her, or you will never hear the end of who is spotting a Mohican and which musician is currently topping the Mongolian charts!

The Tom-boy Blonde

On the opposite end of the spectrum, we have the tom-boy blonde. She has the replica soccer jersey, the replica Rugby 7s jersey. She knows all about daylight savings because that’s when the English Premier League games change by an hour.

This mama knows everything that dude ought to know…let’s face it, some guys are just as blonde… and if you think you’ll be her knight in shining armor by helping her change her tyre, then you just watch her take apart an engine, and put it back together. THAT’S THE HAPPY PART!

The SAD bit about this woman, is that she does not own a single dress. Her wardrobe will consist of jeans,jeans and more jeans. She has not a single inkling of an idea as to how a lady should look. When among other women, she will uneasy as she will feel that they “dress funny” or “talk funny”. She can whistle… she has no problems uttering curse words… basically; she’s a guy, with a female plumbing system!

The Aloof Blonde

This kind of blonde discovered early in life that she is not the brightest of the bunch. Her intellectual retardation started the moment she stepped into a math class in Kindergarten. That’s the HAPPY part. She knows that she is blonde. The SAD part of it all, is that she is least concerned about the whole state of affairs. One would appreciate if every so often, she tried to better herself… you know, watch a little news, read a newspaper…any newspaper would do, heck even gutter press editions are welcome. She knows she is blonde, and she does not care the slightest bit what the world thinks. If you know of such a woman, and you want to silence her, simply find a way of dropping a word about taxes! Works like magic. TRUST ME!

So… Happy and sad at the same time happens all the time. Ladies, does it hurt to actually spend some time reading a newspaper? Just transfer the effort used in scouring through the obituaries section of the newspaper to reading that section that says… “CURRENT AFFAIRS”. Just watch the news headlines… it’s the program that comes right after your “Cuendoz Shit Mia” show! If you just happen to be dating a blonde… Then dude, I understand your pain, but my advice to you, is that you should not suffer in silence. Speak out! The HAPPY bit about it, is that you’ll feel better… the SAD part is that she might not even understand that she’s being dumped. And such is life!