You Know I Love You… Right?

“Tell me your name
Although I know the last one
It’s funny that we’re shaking hands

(Wait a minute I know this hand…..)

It’s the same hand: I’ll hold in front of a minister
Same hand: When your having my son and his sister
I don’t mean to sound so bold and forward
But I thank you in advance”

Boys To Men- Thank You In Advance

In my short life, I can proudly say, I have gone through the experiences of all spectrums of emotions. I have Loved, I have hated, I have liked, I have adored. I have been hurt; I have been the cause of pain and anguish. I have done myself proud; I have disappointed those who thought highly of me. I have been a good man; I have been a naughty boy. All said and done, Raymond is happy with whom he is. You can be good… you can do good, or… you can pack it all up and give up. I have been all the above!

I have not always been lucky in Love… Something always didn’t match. There was always something amiss. Maybe I loved her, but she was in Love with someone else. Maybe I thought of her as a friend… she wanted more. Sometimes, I thought of her as a “shag buddy” and she thought she was in a committed exclusive relationship. With all the twists and turns that come with life, nothing could possibly have ever prepared me for what I am going through right now. As always, there is a glitch in this relationship… theirs is a cloud in this silver lining. DISTANCE!

Some six months back, Raymond would not have entertained the thought of a long distance relationship. Actually, I thought long distance relationships were meant for losers who were so clingy that they could not find someone in their vicinity to satisfy their urges! I thought Long distance relationships were meant for men who believed in sex with the bar maid and when the bar maid is off, then Vaseline and a strong right hand would do just fine! Now, I can say, I understand. I understand how one can be attracted to someone who is miles away and feel the bond of love so tight that you can’t wait for the next phone call. How do you explain a bond so good and perfect when the one you hold dear and you hold true is miles away?

To get to where I am, maybe I need to go to the start… I met this girl… we had a brilliant time together, and contrary to the norm… we did not have sex. By all means, any man would lose interest after a week. We all know men have the attention the size of their testiscles. This girl however was special. Have you ever said goodbye to someone, and the thought of them still lingers on? Well… that is how she was. Initially, it was harmless… seeing her online and saying hello, was more like meeting a pal or a colleague on the streets and stopping to ask the questions whose answers you don’t really care about. Questions like…”hello, how are you doing?” we all know that such questions are never really meant to be answered. Anyway, soon, we were discussing how our days have been. How some half brained dimwits have de-stabilised our lives… how some morons who we suspect are of a different species are messing with the constitution. That kind of thing! Before I knew it, I couldn’t help but wonder… “WHY I’m I missing this girl?”  I realized I loved her when one day I said… “I wish you were here with me….”! That statement… was mad love right there. Raymond was in love. Only that he would never have admitted it at the time.

To make sense out of the predicament I now faced, I decided to assemble my team of “eminent” persons. They have given me 100 reasons why I find myself so in Love… The full list is on my website, www.whippedassnegroe.co.ke. I will only delve into three. These three, explain it all!

1 Getting to know her

REALITY is brutal. The harsh reality of life dictates that we never really get to know the other person. First, we normally have sex and the we see how ot goes from there.what happens when you the sex out of the equation? You are left with bare knuckle openness. I guess I can say that what I got to know about her in 2 weeks, was the kind of stuff you get to know about someone after dating for two years. Their were nights when we spent on chat or on Skype till the sun rose! Nights when I’d go out, get wasted as hell, and then go back home, log on and say goodnight! This girl, I have come to know! This girl, I have come to Love.

2- Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

Theirs is a need to have that which you can’t have! Theirs is a need to touch a wall that says “wet paint” just confirm that the paint is indeed WET! My falling in Love this time round is possibly because I cannot have all of her. There will always be that missing link. That extra bit of physical longing. Theirs the desire for a hug. The desire for a kiss. That keeps me glued to her like a train on the tracks. The flame in this case is fuelled by sheer compatibility. The drive is sustained by the emotional presence and the physical absence

3- Wit, charm and character

When my panel of “eminent persons” wrote this down, I wondered what that had to do with anything! They answered… For anyone to keep a long distance relationship going, a strong sense of character from both parties is needed. A great sense of humour always comes in handy. To keep someone who is not physically with you, is Meta physically not with you either but is so emotionally connected with you is not easy. It is hard. Some charm and wit are traits that the relationship can happen. It is proof that relationships can work even when someone is away.

 

People, sometimes, we go far and wide to find the one you want to wake up next to for the rest of your life. Sometimes you find the one right next to you. Sometimes, you stumble upon the one in the middle of the night, drunk and stinking like a skunk but the moment you meet her, you know your life is forever changed. Sometimes you have to stop looking and the cynic in you may just be blown away by a helpless romantic heart. Sometimes though… you have to work to get love right. And when you finally get the perfect fit, you do not want to let go, for by letting go, you forever know that you will be scarred and the thought of an eternity spent without her, is the thought of the devil hosting the winter Olympics.

I guess we love for different reasons. Maybe it’s the need to belong. For some it’s to fulfil a longing. For others, it’s because they want someone who can just tag along. Some even get into relationships because they are a tit bit forlorn. Some are in relationships because time is too far gone to get a chance at true love. Others just string people along. However, real and lasting love you will one day find, in the heart of someone you never thought existed. If Raymond could fall in love, then people, there is hope! There is HOPE!

Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past.

“Ulinitesa sana
Sababu nilikupenda wajua
Kijijini kwa bibi Kigoma
Iliniuma sana
Mimi leo niko Dar
Aliniyenipenda nishamuoa
Je wataka kumjua jina?
Aitwa Cinderella
Rudi home wewe
Rudi nyumbani
Wasalimie Kigoma
Waambie nishao”

Ali Kiba- Cinderella

Recently, I had the pleasure to indulge in a hearty chat over a White Cap courtesy of an idiot I call a friend. This man, whose name I shall not disclose, has had his fair share, actually, he’s had his share and like the share of five other guy’s in terms of mamas. As we were chatting and the White Cap was beginning to set in, he made a comment that stuck to my mind. I remember him stating a FACT. “Men have problems, women just have issues!”

It is a well known fact that when it comes to cases of the ex girlfriend, men never really let go. Women have this thing of “moving on” and “closure”. This my good people, does not exist. The only time Raymond has found this so called “closure” has been on Oprah!  The reality is different. Men will always have a way of going back to the scene of many crimes. THAT’S A PROBLEM! Women, well… They move on and they find this so called closure… Only to willingly have a one night sex romp with an ex. THAT’S AN ISSUE! The reason it is an issue is because, she will then spend weeks agonizing as to whether or not the sex meant anything. As to whether or not, there was meaning in the drunken entanglement! A dude, will only regret his actions… actually, he will NOT regret his actions. He will feel a tinge of guilt when he has to explain to his current how he spent the night in Johnnie’s couch because Johnnie felt he was too drunk to drive home!…

Back to my good friend of many women… The reason my good friend always gets laid, has remained the fact that he manages to “keep in touch” with the past. He blames it all on his History teacher who apparently did a very good job with him. He was taught never to forget the past. Without the past, there is no future he says. His system, I find to be very admirable. I took it upon myself to assemble a group of some of Kenya’s finest men in which they took part in a survey to establish whether or not, a “return to a crime scene” normally leads to “another crime”. The full results as always can be found on the respected and widely quoted website www.shenzitype.co.ke.

People, today I have the honor of presenting to you, the methodology required to successfully move on… Women, I ask that you read carefully. The steps taken, I know have probably caused most of you sleepless nights as you tossed and turned thinking about your “issues”! This method, has been tried, tested and been found to be EFFECTIVE in returning to a “crime scene”.

STEP 1- Emotional Blackmail.

Guys, theirs this mama you dated a while back and for some reason you decided to end things. The easiest way to get her to have sex with you is use the “emotional blackmail technique”. Go out and get drunk on a cocktail of drinks…some approved…some NOT approved by KEBS. At some point, set a reminder to drunk dial the ex. This should preferably around one year down the road. Give her normal crap… “I’ve missed you so much” and phrases like “I’m still not over you!” will come in handy. If she smiles and giggles with you for more than TWO minutes… Then bro.. Uko ndani kama Mungatana na Chidzuga!

STEP 2- The Meeting

After your drunk dial call, follow it up the following day with another call. This time apologize for calling so late. It is here that you should put the second play into gear. Set up a date. Don’t set it three weeks in advance… just set it about two days from the day of the call. Make sure it’s a place the two of shared history and good times. That restaurant. The meeting itself should not last more than 30 minutes. Take this opportunity to grovel. But don’t make it look too ugly… just tell her how fly she looks..ignoring the obvious fact that she now weighs twice as much as before. Tell her the sweet random nothings you know she’d like to hear from you. It’s simple and effective. Leave her blushing and her nostalgic.

STEP 3- What Are You Up To?

Now, ladies, if on a Friday, at exactly 4 o’clock, a dude calls and asks “what are you up to?”…. That is a random plan you should steer clear of. However, knowing women and their love for issues, let’s face it, you will say the following words… “Nothing much! What about you…” Sister, you have just sold yourself. The wolf in sheep clothing that you dumped a year back, went, got his sheep’s clothing dry-cleaned, and you have just given him the invite to a night of nostalgia and two hours of PROBLEMS for him… TWO WEEKS of ISSUES for yourself. Dude, you are about to return to the scene of crime…

STEP 4- When Do I See You Again?

A recent survey in a leading blog- www.youstillareamoron.co.ke – indicate that come Sunday morning, approximately 67.8697% of women who got laid asked the question…”When do I see you again?” The other percentage were paid for a job well done and a small percentage didn’t bother to ask because they are stuck with the man!

The answer to this question is always interesting. Once a man has made a return to the crime scene, he has absolutely NO INTENTIONS of meeting up again in the near future. At this time my friend, the man is thinking of an escape plan… the escape plan takes many forms. From a thorough scrutiny of men’s habits, the most trustworthy escape plan is…

STEP 5- The Escape Plan

Every man should have an escape plan in place. You are not allowed to re-visit the crime any more than twice. Going back more than twice is tantamount to giving false hope. The escape plan should take the format of something rather cruel like… “I can’t meet you today. My girlfriend is in town…” or “I’m meeting my boys tonight to celebrate the birth of my son…”! If that doesn’t work, then how about trying “Today is my stag night.. si you come and be the entertainment!” That should sure as hell get rid of the ex.

What is for sure is that the Ghost Of Girlfriends Past will forever haunt any man. All men have baggage. All men deal differently with baggage. They somehow always make a way crawling back to bed with the ex. For a guy, dealing with the ex, is always a PROBLEM, for a mama dealing with the ex is always an ISSUE. The way to go about achieving harmony with the ex and ensuring that there is always “light at the end of the tunnel” is to ensure you keep all the ex at arm’s length. As Jay-Z says, always treat with the same respect the one that you humping as you treat the one that you are loving. Guys, live by the fact that all women are the same… it’s just a different toilet, same old shit!

To Save Ringera SMS 1 to K.A.C.C (5222)

“You know I’ve seen a lot of what the world can do,
and it’s breaking my heart in two,
cause I never want to see you sad girl,
don’t be a bad girl,
but if you want to leave take good care,
hope you make a lot of nice friends out there,
but just remember there’s a lot of bad and beware,
beware,

Oh baby baby it’s a wild world,
it’s hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh baby baby it’s a wild world”

Maxi Priest- Wild World (Original version by Cat Stevens)

I believe a man called Ringera is a very sly chap! I’ve known few  men who exit just in the nick of time! Some say he should have called it quits earlier, but people, look at the reality here! This man waited till 30^th Of September to resign. He made sure that his hefty salary was in his account before quiting. Well played Sir! I couldn’t have timed it any better myself.

Whether he’d done a good job or not is besides the point here. Whether his re-appointment was in order is not the point I’m putting across either. Its that he was blowing 2.5M A MONTH for five years and now that he’s exited, he stands to be given a golden handshake of guess how much? KES 150M! YES… KENYAN CURRENCY not good old mad man Bob’s currency, but Kenya Shillings! Its got me thinking about something a good friend of mine since back in the day, was telling me recently. This guy has NEVER been DUMPED! He’s the one always doing the DUMPING! It got me thinking… Is this guy sane? How is it that he’s never been dumped? He knows not how to make a grand exit! He needs a lesson or two from the Maestro himself.

I know you are probably wondering what’s so good about being dumped. What is so sweet about being the one on the receiving end? Well my friend… a tried, tested and perfected technique-details which can be found on my site www.youstupididiot.fo.ol- demands of men to at all times be dumped. Be the “bad guy”! How does that benefit you? Well… the golden parachute makes the landing so sweet! This “Golden Parachute Technique” is the Holy Grail of grand exits. Being the kind man that I am, being the man whose generosity knows no bounds, I hereby stand to pour down my knowledge to all of you! Guys, have your pens and papers ready. Ladies, you might want to look away right about now!

What is flawed about my friend doing the dumping is that he crashed any chance that the mama will one day down the road give him a farewell gift! Now, this farewell gift always lasts for at the very least- 2 months only to be repeated every year. By you dumping the mama, she will never forgive you. She will see you as her tormentor. Women always want you try to be in the relationship. Guys, the day you give up on her, do not dare say, Its Over! Do not be the one to utter those words. Instead, I want you to empower her! Make her feel special. Let her be the one who “dumped” you. Push her buttons! If you’ve been going out long enough, you know what she hates. Make her feel like she could do better. Make her “hurt you!” The key here is she should be the one who called it quits. Make her feel that way. She should be the one telling her friends how glad she is she dumped you. Be patient. This may be hard for any proud man to tolerate, but dude, do not forget… A “Golden Parachute” awaits you in the not so distant future!

A wise man once said, “never give a woman an option you don’t want her to take, because she just might take that option” Guys, the golden Parachute technique as perfected by the maestro Ringera himself is to always remind her that she can leave you whenever “she Wants!” by this time, you are fed up with her! You’ve had enough of her and you keep pressing all her wrong buttons over and over again accompanied by the reminder that she can “leave whenever she wants!” At this point, the woman starts to long for that “whenever she wants”! The exit signs are written all over. You stop… pause and smile. Theirs light at the end of the tunnel!

Women are probably reading this wondering how they’d know if the man wants to pull a Ringera on her! Well, the signs will be written all over. Most of the times women are too blinded to see the signs… Simple signs include him suddenly discovering his Love for shagz. You know his visits to the bunduz are few and far between and suddenly, he is going “shagz” every weekend. Scrap that… On Friday evening without fail, he will up and go “shagz”! The reality is that all the while he is holed up either in his clande’s place or he is in his own digz watching some DVDs. All he did was get a series like “How I met Your Mother” Season 1,2,3 and 4. He knows he’s leaving his place on Monday morning. He’ll tell you he’s just fikad his place on Sunday at some weird hour like 10 pm. He no longer wants to spend time with you. Your presence causes him sheer agony. You know something is wrong, but you just don’t figure that he doesn’t want to be with you! This can go on for months on end and one day, you’ve had enough and you decide to leave him. Little do you know that he “left” the relationship once upon a time!

Guys, lets not be monsters. Lets not be the ones ALWAYS leaving the women. Let us empower our women. We are living in different times. The times we are living in call for equal opportunity. Lets give our women a chance to dump us. Lets give them the tools to up and leave us. It is only fair to do that. Kick up a storm and be the “good for nothing”! By doing this, you forever endear yourself to her. A wise man once said, “never bang a door on your way out, you never know when you will have to walk back in…” Always leave just enough room for a “golden parachute”. Yes, in the grand scheme of things, your morals will be ranked with those of an alley cat, but in her world, she’ll always be the one left! That sometimes is all that matters. Be the one who got hurt. Be the one who got the raw deal. Just like Ringera, when you are gone, people will ask what happened. They will want to know why it happened and if you did the best you could given the “circumstances”! They will treat you like a martyr. After our exit, the crowd public will be asked for its opinion. They will say “you were a good man…” You will play the sympathy card. For now, let me grab my phone and give respect to my role model. Ringera The Maestro himself. I want him back… I’m sending as many texts as my units can allow. To Save Ringera SMS 1 to K.A.C.C (5222).

NB:The views expressed above do not necessarily reflect the opinion of Raymond Chepkwony unless he stands to gain monetarily or he stands to get laid. For the SMS, terms and conditions apply-though I do not know them myself!

Its Like Kama sutra… Regardless Of The Position You Still Get SCREWED!

“Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
‘Cause I saw the end before we’d begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what’s mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won’t stop there,
I am here for you if you’d only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I’ve kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I’ve been addicted to you”

James Blunt-Goodbye my lover.

Theirs something baking in the Kitchen cabinet… Sources in the know at State House, have intimated to me that when the dish is finally served on the table of Kenyans, it will bite and it will hurt! This dish seeks to serve revenge as it should be served… COLD!

I am a very well connected man. Unlike most who claim to know people in all the high places, I strive on the fact that I know people in all the low places. The difference between me and others is that I can get whatever I want done. I know the guys who mop certain corridors and will every so often hear certain things. I know guys who do photocopying for certain offices, and every so often, I get copies of documents that would scare the knickers out of any granny! Now, my latest acquisition courtesy of lowly and very well placed people at the State House itself, is a copy of the proposed Marriage Bill! I hired a team of the most crooked lawyers I could find to comb through it. This bill my friend, is the downfall of a man’s best friend- His CLANDE!

What this bill proposes is that a man can not have TWO WIVES without permission from the first wife! Now this is just ridiculous. Guys, please tell me… I beg of you, please tell me how exactly I’m supposed to go to my wife on a fine Sunday afternoon and look her straight in the eye and utter the following words… “Honey, I need your permission for something…?” “What? You wanna take up another loan?” Is what she’ll ask… “Sweetheart, you know Angie? The hot mama who you saw me with last Friday?” I’ll reply… “oh yeah, the one who was wearing a very short skirt and had half her cleavage out?” She’ll go on… “Yes Dear. Well I’d like to marry her-If that’s Okay with you…” I’ll probably say. Now from here, it gets a little bit tricky. Just a weeny bit tricky. I’ve thought about it, and in my dreams, the conversation then goes “Well sure! That’ll be great honey! I’m so happy for you. We are going to be one huge kinky family. We can have a threesome everyday!” “You are so sweet darling. I knew you’d understand!” REALITY however is that I will probably get kicked out of the house-without a court order-and I’ll be lucky to get away with all my bones intact. She’ll probably use expletives in her conversation and she’ll be wailing about how some woman is trying to ruin her family! Guys, what type of law is this? Why should the lives men be put at risk? Why are we crucifying our very well beloved Clandes?

Ladies, you must be thinking that this bill is what God’s answer to your problems. Trust me… IT IS NOT! Theirs this guy you fell madly in Love with. You are the fast rising lawyer, or engineer… he is tuck pushing papers in some government office with no hint of prosperity in sight. You hook up, get married and well, things could be better, but you are comfortable. You get that dream job you’ve been angling for in Mongolia. The money you’ll be earning is beyond your wildest dreams. This is the job that will see you move away from Lang’ata to where all new money lives… Runda! Now you pack your stuff, kiss him goodbye at the airport and off you go. You know you’ll be back in six months for some much needed rest, relaxation and some steamy you don’t even wanna guess what! So, there you are in outer Mongolia, fending for you and your hubby. You send money home every month… your hubby has bought property in Lavington-under both your names-and things are looking up. While you were away, he’s been galavanting all over the city, balling like a true player. The dude quits his job-why should he keep working for his measly pay-and soon, he hooks up with this stunning beauty. She’s straight off college and she’s spanking hot. She does things to him that you consider “gross”! She’s got her A game all out. You get back, and you say… “I want a DIVORCE!” He smiles and looks at you, and he jumps up and down… his dreams are answered! “YES!” comes his answer as he punches his fist in the air! He knows, all the property acquired while you were married will be SPLIT IN HALF! And it doesn’t end there! It gets worse. You will have to cater for his upkeep. You will have to maintain his standard. His standard and that of his new found catch! Life is a bitch aint it!

Chances are high that no sane woman will allow-and in writing no less-her one and only husband to marry another woman. This is not something she’ll even give a second thought to. Now, if she asks for a divorce and it’s the man who had the money in the relationship, then who suffers? THE CLANDE! Reality is, that most “kept women” are in the relationship for the money! It’s the car the man gives her. It’s the rent the man pays. It’s the holidays they go for together in some far flung areas of this world. Basically, she’s in it for the good life. Now, why on earth would a Clande risk loosing HALF of what she’s entitled to in the name of marriage? The math here just does not add up! Never ever! If the man divorces his wife, she goes with half his wealth and he still has to pay for her upkeep. This will mean that the Clande will walk into this guy’s life and find him miserable and angry. He’s just lost half and he may end up being played in the deal. Haven’t you heard of people who got into a 50:50 deal where the woman keeps the house and the man keeps up the mortgage payment? Or the land may divided equally and the man’s half ends being a road reserve or maybe his half just happens to be in Mau forest! The Clande will be punishing herself. She’s better off right now! As it stands, the man can just decide to marry the Clande, and she’ll be entitled to her FAIR share of the man’s worth. Property in most customs is divided as per “houses”! She’ll get half the share should the man “accidentally” fall into a pit latrine or get run over by a tractor… or die in some other crude manner- Yeah, women can be nasty! This whole bill will kill the Clande. Its going to be impossible to even have a Clande. You just might get caught and the Mrs may decide she wants a divorce. Why should I risk that anyway?

My final questions are…Why does the government want to play it rough? Why do they want to want to ruin a co-existence we enjoy. As the saying goes, If it aint broke, then don’t try to fix it! I suggest we all-yes ALL means both Men and Women-register on my online petition. www.areyoufuckinginsane.co.ke and lets stop this insanity. Lets scream out loud and be heard by the gods of Clandes and the gods of immoral justice. Lets shout to the world. We DON’T WANT THIS LAW. As the title states, this law is like the Kama sutra.  Regardless Of The Position You Take, You’ll Still Get SCREWED!

The Supa Ongea Conspiracy!

“Niko na,

Niko na,

Niko na Safaricom…”

Safaricom Advert

For sometime now, I have been wondering why it’s almost an impossibility to meet a SINGLE woman. For the last odd years I have scoured the depths and heights of our world looking for the so ever elusive SINGLE woman. My dear brethren, I hold my head low… I stand before you a defeated man for I have found none. I am yet to meet a woman, over the age of 18 who stands and says I AM SINGLE! The good news however, is that I have been to demystify why this is so. I’ve seen many a woman ravaged by the agonies of love, torn apart by the ever present “other woman”… I have seen many a woman with that forlorn look in her eye… that look of utter despair. The look of a broken heart. As I walked up and down… walked with my bare feet across lands long forgotten by man, walked across breathtaking terrains, across lands whose clocks stood still. Walked across cities whose clocks were ahead of time… I have drawn my most, my most audacious, my most extravagant conclusion yet. THE WORLD HAS NOT A SINGLE, SINGLE WOMAN!

Theirs something that’s proving a bit of a rage in the cell phone market… It’s called the Supa Ongea Tariff! Now, I mean no offence to the good folks over at Safaricom, but let’s just face the reality here people. This tariff was probably thought of and executed by a woman. How is it that in my living area-I’m modern like that- my call rates are 8 bob per minute? When my oh so lovely girlfriend is around, she’s on 80 cents per minute in the living room. When I go to the kitchen, my phone now switches to 80 cents per minute and when she joins me in the kitchen, her phone goes to 8 bob per minute! Guys, I hate to be the one to advance conspiracy theories, but I’m I the only one who sees a ploy in all this??? It gets trickier when my girlfriend is alone at my place. She’s on 80 cents everywhere. When I come in, things change, I’m on 80 cents ONLY in the kitchen and in the shower. This has led to calls being made in awkward places and the phone has been very involved in stuff I dare not reveal! All in the name of Supa Ongea! Now, I know you probably think I have digressed… but I have NOT! This Supa Ongea tariff is the very existence of a woman. This is a tariff that in no vague words expresses how a woman is never SINGLE!

Guys, let me ask you a question… Are you in a relationship? My point here is, 85% of men-over the age of 21-have been found to be in relationships they didn’t even know about! I kid you not. In my endeavors across the planet, I conducted a thorough scientific study-whose findings as always are found in the site, www.youstupididiot.fo.ol. In my study, I unmasked the myth behind the relationship question. A guy will never really say he is in a relationship because he does not know when the relationship started. Does the relationship start the first day he kissed you? Probably not. Does it start the first day you had sex? Probably not… to a guy, a relationship probably doesn’t start until the day he realizes that he needs to LIE to you about his whereabouts! That’s when he knows he is in big trouble. That’s when he knows he is in a relationship. To a woman, a relationship starts the first day you said Hi… or the first day you went out… or the first day you held her hand. In short, a woman’s relationship cycle never really ends! Now, how do all what I’ve said so far link up?? Be patient people, I tell no tales here. Just the plain old FACTS! Read on…

This Supa Ongea Tariff thing is very much like a woman’s relationship cycle. SERIOUSLY! The guy was comfortably enjoying his peace on his regular Ongea Tariff. In short, the man thought it was just about SEX… Now a woman comes by, and as far as she is concerned, what you have going on is a fully fledged relationship. The guy has no clue. In short, the woman here is on Supa Ongea Tariff. See, the first time you went out, she was on Supa Ongea YES, but she was on 8 bob per minute. Now, you’ve been thinking that you are just “friends with added extra special benefits”, but ALAS, you discover that the tariff changed and you are now on 6 bob per minute. By this time, the mama is now enjoying rates of 3 bob per minute. Shortly, without your knowledge, and without much in terms of warning, you suddenly find yourself on 80 cents per minute. This is not even of your choosing. You had no idea that your “call rates” changed and soon, you realize that you are in a relationship. Brother, what you didn’t know is that the mama has been on 80 cents the last 5 months! And so your world is shattered by your new found reality. YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP! You are so on Supa Ongea dude.

As I was compiling the data, I made one conclusion that rings true across both men and women… that even though both men and women may not be on the same page-actually try book category-when it comes to the start of a relationship, they are on the same paragraph as involves the END of a relationship. Thank heavens for small luxuries. Guys, who say they are single, really have no idea. They are clueless. They are probably in a relationship with like 4 mamas and they don’t know it. One mama is on 6 bob, another is on 3 bob, another is 2 bob and even though he’s got no clue, theirs another on 80 cents. Poor chap still thinks he’s on 8 bob. He maybe even has it in his mind that one is on a different NETWORK!

Guys, I ask that we hold a demonstration. We demand to be de linked from relationships we didn’t know to be part of. For there are guys who are locked on to 80 cents per minute, I ask you to stay strong. Keep at it my friends. Fight the good fight and if you want someone to give warning to the others, I am on it. I am going up all mountains warning all Supa Ongea ignorant villagers. I proclaim the good word to all men. Stick to your Ongea, but do not be blind to the fact that there is a Supa Ongea. It’s taking over… If you can ward it off… then fight till you are the last one standing. I know a time will come when I will have to give in. but until that day, I fight.

My phone is ringing… How will I deal with this?? I’m STILL ON 8 BOB!!!!