To Save Ringera SMS 1 to K.A.C.C (5222)

“You know I’ve seen a lot of what the world can do,
and it’s breaking my heart in two,
cause I never want to see you sad girl,
don’t be a bad girl,
but if you want to leave take good care,
hope you make a lot of nice friends out there,
but just remember there’s a lot of bad and beware,
beware,

Oh baby baby it’s a wild world,
it’s hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh baby baby it’s a wild world”

Maxi Priest- Wild World (Original version by Cat Stevens)

I believe a man called Ringera is a very sly chap! I’ve known few  men who exit just in the nick of time! Some say he should have called it quits earlier, but people, look at the reality here! This man waited till 30th Of September to resign. He made sure that his hefty salary was in his account before quiting. Well played Sir! I couldn’t have timed it any better myself.

Whether he’d done a good job or not is besides the point here. Whether his re-appointment was in order is not the point I’m putting across either. Its that he was blowing 2.5M A MONTH for five years and now that he’s exited, he stands to be given a golden handshake of guess how much? KES 150M! YES… KENYAN CURRENCY not good old mad man Bob’s currency, but Kenya Shillings! Its got me thinking about something a good friend of mine since back in the day, was telling me recently. This guy has NEVER been DUMPED! He’s the one always doing the DUMPING! It got me thinking… Is this guy sane? How is it that he’s never been dumped? He knows not how to make a grand exit! He needs a lesson or two from the Maestro himself.

I know you are probably wondering what’s so good about being dumped. What is so sweet about being the one on the receiving end? Well my friend… a tried, tested and perfected technique-details which can be found on my site www.youstupididiot.fo.ol- demands of men to at all times be dumped. Be the “bad guy”! How does that benefit you? Well… the golden parachute makes the landing so sweet! This “Golden Parachute Technique” is the Holy Grail of grand exits. Being the kind man that I am, being the man whose generosity knows no bounds, I hereby stand to pour down my knowledge to all of you! Guys, have your pens and papers ready. Ladies, you might want to look away right about now!

What is flawed about my friend doing the dumping is that he crashed any chance that the mama will one day down the road give him a farewell gift! Now, this farewell gift always lasts for at the very least- 2 months only to be repeated every year. By you dumping the mama, she will never forgive you. She will see you as her tormentor. Women always want you try to be in the relationship. Guys, the day you give up on her, do not dare say, Its Over! Do not be the one to utter those words. Instead, I want you to empower her! Make her feel special. Let her be the one who “dumped” you. Push her buttons! If you’ve been going out long enough, you know what she hates. Make her feel like she could do better. Make her “hurt you!” The key here is she should be the one who called it quits. Make her feel that way. She should be the one telling her friends how glad she is she dumped you. Be patient. This may be hard for any proud man to tolerate, but dude, do not forget… A “Golden Parachute” awaits you in the not so distant future!

A wise man once said, “never give a woman an option you don’t want her to take, because she just might take that option” Guys, the golden Parachute technique as perfected by the maestro Ringera himself is to always remind her that she can leave you whenever “she Wants!” by this time, you are fed up with her! You’ve had enough of her and you keep pressing all her wrong buttons over and over again accompanied by the reminder that she can “leave whenever she wants!” At this point, the woman starts to long for that “whenever she wants”! The exit signs are written all over. You stop… pause and smile. Theirs light at the end of the tunnel!

Women are probably reading this wondering how they’d know if the man wants to pull a Ringera on her! Well, the signs will be written all over. Most of the times women are too blinded to see the signs… Simple signs include him suddenly discovering his Love for shagz. You know his visits to the bunduz are few and far between and suddenly, he is going “shagz” every weekend. Scrap that… On Friday evening without fail, he will up and go “shagz”! The reality is that all the while he is holed up either in his clande’s place or he is in his own digz watching some DVDs. All he did was get a series like “How I met Your Mother” Season 1,2,3 and 4. He knows he’s leaving his place on Monday morning. He’ll tell you he’s just fikad his place on Sunday at some weird hour like 10 pm. He no longer wants to spend time with you. Your presence causes him sheer agony. You know something is wrong, but you just don’t figure that he doesn’t want to be with you! This can go on for months on end and one day, you’ve had enough and you decide to leave him. Little do you know that he “left” the relationship once upon a time!

Guys, lets not be monsters. Lets not be the ones ALWAYS leaving the women. Let us empower our women. We are living in different times. The times we are living in call for equal opportunity. Lets give our women a chance to dump us. Lets give them the tools to up and leave us. It is only fair to do that. Kick up a storm and be the “good for nothing”! By doing this, you forever endear yourself to her. A wise man once said, “never bang a door on your way out, you never know when you will have to walk back in…” Always leave just enough room for a “golden parachute”. Yes, in the grand scheme of things, your morals will be ranked with those of an alley cat, but in her world, she’ll always be the one left! That sometimes is all that matters. Be the one who got hurt. Be the one who got the raw deal. Just like Ringera, when you are gone, people will ask what happened. They will want to know why it happened and if you did the best you could given the “circumstances”! They will treat you like a martyr. After our exit, the crowd public will be asked for its opinion. They will say “you were a good man…” You will play the sympathy card. For now, let me grab my phone and give respect to my role model. Ringera The Maestro himself. I want him back… I’m sending as many texts as my units can allow. To Save Ringera SMS 1 to K.A.C.C (5222).

NB:The views expressed above do not necessarily reflect the opinion of Raymond Chepkwony unless he stands to gain monetarily or he stands to get laid. For the SMS, terms and conditions apply-though I do not know them myself!

When curtains close.

“So you’re standin’ in the tunnel of eternal life
And you see the ones you never learned to love in life
Make the choice let it go and you can back it up
If you ain’t at peace with God you need to patch it up
But if you’re ready close your eyes and we can set it free
There lies a man not scared to die may he rest in peace
I still got to wonder why
I never seen a man cry
‘Till I seen that man die”

Scarface- Never Seen A Man Cry.

Accountants strongly believe that the only two things in life that are guaranteed are DEATH and TAXES. I stand different. I believe that life has more to offer than just death and taxes. I’ve lost someone dear to me. I have lost someone who I held very dear. Someone who stood by me as I went through turmoil. Someone, who was my reason for reason. I stand here, honored to have been a part of his life.

One day, I was walking around, minding my own business. Just being the man that I am. Two shots rent the air and next thing I knew, a man who moments before had dreams and ambitions, a man who had plans… was lying dead. Its not meant to be that way. Its just not meant to happen. Why is death so cruel and without warning. Why does it hurt those who are left behind. Why? Why? Why? Raymond has had one or two near death experiences. I have had a gun to my face. I’ve been shot at TWICE. Why then should it be scary, thinking about a world without ME? I have Loved. I have laughed. I have shed my tears. I have felt my pain. I have won. I have lost. I have dreams. I have realities. I have tattoos. I have scars. What I know as well, is that I have told my story. Told my story for all to read. My memories will not etched in all forever. I do not ask for that. I ask that when I’m gone, my boys can sit, have drink and for one session on a Saturday afternoon, they will think of my good, my bad and my ugly! They’ll have a cold White Cap and hepa with the bill. They will flirt with the waitress. They will kula some fry with lots of chilli and Ugali. For one afternoon, I will ask that my friends and those to whom I mattered, just sit down and laugh. Have a huge laugh for the lion has taken a bow and given his last big roar!

I consider myself a very lucky man to have had unbound Love. If God took me away today, I would stand up and give him a big Thank You for everything I have in my life. More so, the people I have in my life. I think about the conversation and I know it will not be awkward. For sure I know I will be appointed to run the magazine “Divine Monthly” up in heaven.  I know I will have a chat with my good friend JC and we will trade stories of Love and betrayal. Trade stories of how we went out of the world… I therefore wonder, why do we have this overwhelming fear of death? Or is it a fear of the unknown?  Is it the fear of leaving those we love behind? Or do you wonder if in heaven they don’t have Khaki trousers but plain white robes!

Regrets I have many… “What ifs…” I have those too. I am however trying to make amends. I should’ve taken more risks in my life. I should have been more audacious. More vibrant. Many are the times I have settled for what was available. Looking back, I think I lived by a creed- A bird in hand is worth two in the bush! I admit, I haven’t always treated those who loved me right. I cant do anything about that now. With hindsight, maybe, just maybe I should have done one or two things differently. Maybe I should have spoken out more! Maybe I should have been bolder. I probably should never have left BSK. I also have many “What ifs…” Should I have fought with that dude on the weekend? Probably not-He was bigger and we know these young chaps nowadays carry all manner of crude weapons. Should I have fought for someone I loved? YES! But, I did NOT! What If I’d fought for her? Would I be married? YES. Would I be happy? I doubt it. What if I’d taken that offer… What if I’d said Hi that day… What If I’d not gotten stoned that Friday, would I have gotten laid? What If I’d asked her friend out first?… So many what ifs… Such few answers!

The one possibility we do not dare imagine is HADES! I have thought about that as well. Have I sinned so much that I should be tossed into a burning eternity without some Dasani to quench my thirst? NO! I have atoned for my sins-Most of them anyway! When my name is called on the pearly gates, I know I will not be denied entry. I will not be going to Michael Jackson’s wing-Lets face, that dude has a special place reserved for him in hell and besides, we all know he didn’t like black men-I know I will be up there with the likes of Pope John Paul 2, I will be alongside Garang and Jaramogi Odinga. I’ll have a chat with Kenyatta and tell him I voted for his son in 2002. I will e-mail Tom Mboya and cc Reagan. I will bring them up to speed with whats been happening while they’ve been away. Heaven waits for me. I’ll carry my laptop and Safaricom Modem- Fibre is also connected in heaven-so that I can be on Heavenbook chat with David and Elijah. I’ll do my first blog post on Samson and Delilah. I know guys like Solomon will be eager to comment. I know the bevy of beauties that await me will be angry that I’m disturbing the peace In heaven, but the wise David will talk to them and convince them to see the humor in their ways!  There’s my pal Anthony Janai… I’m sure he’ll be there to talk about the good old changerian ways! I’ll pass through his digz for some poizo and murram!

When my time comes-and surely will- I hope and pray, that I will have touched the lives and hearts of many. I want no tears. I want no wailing. I just want sounds of laughter. Sounds of joy. That’s Raymond’s wish. WHAT IS YOURS??

The Supa Ongea Conspiracy!

“Niko na,

Niko na,

Niko na Safaricom…”

Safaricom Advert

For sometime now, I have been wondering why it’s almost an impossibility to meet a SINGLE woman. For the last odd years I have scoured the depths and heights of our world looking for the so ever elusive SINGLE woman. My dear brethren, I hold my head low… I stand before you a defeated man for I have found none. I am yet to meet a woman, over the age of 18 who stands and says I AM SINGLE! The good news however, is that I have been to demystify why this is so. I’ve seen many a woman ravaged by the agonies of love, torn apart by the ever present “other woman”… I have seen many a woman with that forlorn look in her eye… that look of utter despair. The look of a broken heart. As I walked up and down… walked with my bare feet across lands long forgotten by man, walked across breathtaking terrains, across lands whose clocks stood still. Walked across cities whose clocks were ahead of time… I have drawn my most, my most audacious, my most extravagant conclusion yet. THE WORLD HAS NOT A SINGLE, SINGLE WOMAN!

Theirs something that’s proving a bit of a rage in the cell phone market… It’s called the Supa Ongea Tariff! Now, I mean no offence to the good folks over at Safaricom, but let’s just face the reality here people. This tariff was probably thought of and executed by a woman. How is it that in my living area-I’m modern like that- my call rates are 8 bob per minute? When my oh so lovely girlfriend is around, she’s on 80 cents per minute in the living room. When I go to the kitchen, my phone now switches to 80 cents per minute and when she joins me in the kitchen, her phone goes to 8 bob per minute! Guys, I hate to be the one to advance conspiracy theories, but I’m I the only one who sees a ploy in all this??? It gets trickier when my girlfriend is alone at my place. She’s on 80 cents everywhere. When I come in, things change, I’m on 80 cents ONLY in the kitchen and in the shower. This has led to calls being made in awkward places and the phone has been very involved in stuff I dare not reveal! All in the name of Supa Ongea! Now, I know you probably think I have digressed… but I have NOT! This Supa Ongea tariff is the very existence of a woman. This is a tariff that in no vague words expresses how a woman is never SINGLE!

Guys, let me ask you a question… Are you in a relationship? My point here is, 85% of men-over the age of 21-have been found to be in relationships they didn’t even know about! I kid you not. In my endeavors across the planet, I conducted a thorough scientific study-whose findings as always are found in the site, http://www.youstupididiot.fo.ol. In my study, I unmasked the myth behind the relationship question. A guy will never really say he is in a relationship because he does not know when the relationship started. Does the relationship start the first day he kissed you? Probably not. Does it start the first day you had sex? Probably not… to a guy, a relationship probably doesn’t start until the day he realizes that he needs to LIE to you about his whereabouts! That’s when he knows he is in big trouble. That’s when he knows he is in a relationship. To a woman, a relationship starts the first day you said Hi… or the first day you went out… or the first day you held her hand. In short, a woman’s relationship cycle never really ends! Now, how do all what I’ve said so far link up?? Be patient people, I tell no tales here. Just the plain old FACTS! Read on…

This Supa Ongea Tariff thing is very much like a woman’s relationship cycle. SERIOUSLY! The guy was comfortably enjoying his peace on his regular Ongea Tariff. In short, the man thought it was just about SEX… Now a woman comes by, and as far as she is concerned, what you have going on is a fully fledged relationship. The guy has no clue. In short, the woman here is on Supa Ongea Tariff. See, the first time you went out, she was on Supa Ongea YES, but she was on 8 bob per minute. Now, you’ve been thinking that you are just “friends with added extra special benefits”, but ALAS, you discover that the tariff changed and you are now on 6 bob per minute. By this time, the mama is now enjoying rates of 3 bob per minute. Shortly, without your knowledge, and without much in terms of warning, you suddenly find yourself on 80 cents per minute. This is not even of your choosing. You had no idea that your “call rates” changed and soon, you realize that you are in a relationship. Brother, what you didn’t know is that the mama has been on 80 cents the last 5 months! And so your world is shattered by your new found reality. YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP! You are so on Supa Ongea dude.

As I was compiling the data, I made one conclusion that rings true across both men and women… that even though both men and women may not be on the same page-actually try book category-when it comes to the start of a relationship, they are on the same paragraph as involves the END of a relationship. Thank heavens for small luxuries. Guys, who say they are single, really have no idea. They are clueless. They are probably in a relationship with like 4 mamas and they don’t know it. One mama is on 6 bob, another is on 3 bob, another is 2 bob and even though he’s got no clue, theirs another on 80 cents. Poor chap still thinks he’s on 8 bob. He maybe even has it in his mind that one is on a different NETWORK!

Guys, I ask that we hold a demonstration. We demand to be de linked from relationships we didn’t know to be part of. For there are guys who are locked on to 80 cents per minute, I ask you to stay strong. Keep at it my friends. Fight the good fight and if you want someone to give warning to the others, I am on it. I am going up all mountains warning all Supa Ongea ignorant villagers. I proclaim the good word to all men. Stick to your Ongea, but do not be blind to the fact that there is a Supa Ongea. It’s taking over… If you can ward it off… then fight till you are the last one standing. I know a time will come when I will have to give in. but until that day, I fight.

My phone is ringing… How will I deal with this?? I’m STILL ON 8 BOB!!!!

Break ups, make ups and everything in between

“There is something I have to say
Something I can’t delay
You hurt me so bad
And you made me feel so sad
It’s a feeling I can’t explain
I won’t let you wreck my brain
You said you’d never hurt me
But then you go and desert me, baby”

Kci & Jojo- You Bring Up

At some point in our lives, we’ve had to go through the break up. One thing I’ve come to realize is that men and women handle “The Break-Up” in different ways. Totally different ways! We’ve all been there… we’ve gone through the phases and the steps and women come out stronger, men just come out of strip clubs with a smile on their faces and head home!!

After every break up, a bit of emotion is eroded from men. After every break up, a chunk of trust is eroded from every woman. To be fairly honest, a man can’t have his heart broken more than once. To men, Love is something that only be compared with circumcision. The sooner you get it over with it, the better off you really are. Ask any man if he would go through the process again and the answer you’ll get is a resounding NO! Ask a man whose gone through Love and gotten out heartbroken and he’ll tell you he never wants Love again. Lucky are those who get hit early in life by Love. I can’t imagine going through Love again! At your prime and you are on lock down! If you are over 28 and are in Love for the first time… then my friend, you are setting yourself for a downfall like no other. What you need is some electric shock therapy to get your senses back!

Well, you’ve been dating a mama for like 6 months or even worse over 6 months and she decides to break up with you. Dude, there really is no need to frown. No need to go round in circles staring at the sky wondering where you’ll go next. Reality is that, this is the point life starts! The legendary nights out with the boys that you’ve missed… Men are kind to one another. There’s this unspoken rule… We don’t ask the why/what/where/when… That’s irrelevant. The one question your loyal brethren will ask you is… “Can I buy you a lap dance?” After a break up, a man needs to boost his much damaged sell esteem back. He needs to let some steam out. Where can a man feel special once more? The strip club is where we send you to “find yourself!” For those that say I promote promiscuity… Well, for a man going through a break up… I firmly encourage you to be as promiscuous as possible! Sex your way back to life my friend. Just don’t go using those strange Zambian condoms! Guys can only get your spirits as far…unless of course you were in Nairobi School so I choose not to go there. This stage of a man going through a break up is vital. It should however not last more than a month and please only visit strip clubs in the evening! The day you find yourself at Apple Bees on a Tuesday afternoon, then dude, you are just a pervert and you are using the break up as an excuse! Shindwe Kabisa!!!

Phase Two for a dude comes after around 3 months. When you start longing for familiarity. You get home and nowadays you have to cook for yourself… Meals are trial and error. You never know if they’ll come out right. You get tired of “Dial-A-Delivery” sex wise. Meaning you get tired of having to call someone for sex. Booty calls-though in plenty-are now getting boring. Every so often you see an item of clothing she left behind or a picture… or “your song” plays on the radio and it hits you that she’s no longer there. This is the stage I call ACCEPTANCE. Reality dawns on you. You don’t miss her because of the sex… heck you are getting tonnes more sex now than before, but there’s something missing. You get to the realization that you Loved her. OUCH! Every so often you call her, just to hear her voice. Every so often you see someone who reminds you of her. This stage is an emotional roller coaster and you really don’t know where it’s headed. Fortunately for guys this phase lasts one week or for the weak at heart… we allow a period of TWO WEEKS! Anything longer than this, then we just read in the newspaper of a man who wrote a ten paged letter to his lost love, went out for a bottle of cheap strong liquor and   then his ultimate purchase, the strongest most effective rope money can buy! We know how the rest of the story goes…

Phase Three involves the rebound girl. Ladies, if you know what’s good for you, then by all means you will keep away from this dude… anything outside a one night stand will lead to trouble. This guy is looking for a temporary replacement. Someone to play house with about a month. He will be sweet, kind and charming. He’ll probably screw the living daylights out of you-there are advantages to this-but the moment you give him a reason to dump you, it will be fast, efficient and ruthless! Sweetheart, you stand no chance when up against such a man. You will forever live in the shadow of his ex. You see the ex will always be a standard of measurement. You will forever be referred to in measurements like… “Half Wambui”…”Two times Wambui…” “A Quarter Wambui…”. Basically, the standard of measurement will never change. You might be better, but you will never be WAMBUI! This phase is great for the guy.  He now has his cake, and he is eating it. Look at it, he is having mindless sex, there is little in form of emotional investment, and for some reason, this woman is always much prettier and hotter than the ex he is getting over. Chances are that the guy will be the envy of the boys! Sadly, everything good must come to an end. The relationship probably lasts longer than the one he’s trying to get over, but when questions like “where are we headed” start popping up, then the man’s comforts are suddenly cut short! This mama will however always remain a “friend with benefits!” So there really is no loss.

Phase Four is all about going FULL CIRCLE. You and the ex have gone different ways for sometime, you’ve both seen the world for what it really is… and conversation is relaxed. At this point, both of you know what’s going to happen. Either, you will get married and live thanking the Lord each day for the times you had when you were apart, or the both of you transform into friend with extra special added benefits! Its not just friends with benefits, it’s the hybrid type, a little emotion, a whole lot of loving. Its friends with benefits RELOADED. Its friends with benefits HERBAL. Its friends with benefits MPYA with extra ingredients! This my friend, is what many refer to as true bliss! This is the toast of all friendships.

So, dudes… where are you at in your relationships? I will pray you are not in love. I will hope that you are at STAGE 3. If you are still in Love… well, be patient my brother. The elders can hear your cry. The circumciser’s knife is being sharpened. It will hurt but it will be so worth it my friend.

P.S- This Friday I post on the stages women go through. All the way from break up to full circle. Watch for it!

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