Break ups, make ups and everything in between

“There is something I have to say
Something I can’t delay
You hurt me so bad
And you made me feel so sad
It’s a feeling I can’t explain
I won’t let you wreck my brain
You said you’d never hurt me
But then you go and desert me, baby”

Kci & Jojo- You Bring Up

At some point in our lives, we’ve had to go through the break up. One thing I’ve come to realize is that men and women handle “The Break-Up” in different ways. Totally different ways! We’ve all been there… we’ve gone through the phases and the steps and women come out stronger, men just come out of strip clubs with a smile on their faces and head home!!

After every break up, a bit of emotion is eroded from men. After every break up, a chunk of trust is eroded from every woman. To be fairly honest, a man can’t have his heart broken more than once. To men, Love is something that only be compared with circumcision. The sooner you get it over with it, the better off you really are. Ask any man if he would go through the process again and the answer you’ll get is a resounding NO! Ask a man whose gone through Love and gotten out heartbroken and he’ll tell you he never wants Love again. Lucky are those who get hit early in life by Love. I can’t imagine going through Love again! At your prime and you are on lock down! If you are over 28 and are in Love for the first time… then my friend, you are setting yourself for a downfall like no other. What you need is some electric shock therapy to get your senses back!

Well, you’ve been dating a mama for like 6 months or even worse over 6 months and she decides to break up with you. Dude, there really is no need to frown. No need to go round in circles staring at the sky wondering where you’ll go next. Reality is that, this is the point life starts! The legendary nights out with the boys that you’ve missed… Men are kind to one another. There’s this unspoken rule… We don’t ask the why/what/where/when… That’s irrelevant. The one question your loyal brethren will ask you is… “Can I buy you a lap dance?” After a break up, a man needs to boost his much damaged sell esteem back. He needs to let some steam out. Where can a man feel special once more? The strip club is where we send you to “find yourself!” For those that say I promote promiscuity… Well, for a man going through a break up… I firmly encourage you to be as promiscuous as possible! Sex your way back to life my friend. Just don’t go using those strange Zambian condoms! Guys can only get your spirits as far…unless of course you were in Nairobi School so I choose not to go there. This stage of a man going through a break up is vital. It should however not last more than a month and please only visit strip clubs in the evening! The day you find yourself at Apple Bees on a Tuesday afternoon, then dude, you are just a pervert and you are using the break up as an excuse! Shindwe Kabisa!!!

Phase Two for a dude comes after around 3 months. When you start longing for familiarity. You get home and nowadays you have to cook for yourself… Meals are trial and error. You never know if they’ll come out right. You get tired of “Dial-A-Delivery” sex wise. Meaning you get tired of having to call someone for sex. Booty calls-though in plenty-are now getting boring. Every so often you see an item of clothing she left behind or a picture… or “your song” plays on the radio and it hits you that she’s no longer there. This is the stage I call ACCEPTANCE. Reality dawns on you. You don’t miss her because of the sex… heck you are getting tonnes more sex now than before, but there’s something missing. You get to the realization that you Loved her. OUCH! Every so often you call her, just to hear her voice. Every so often you see someone who reminds you of her. This stage is an emotional roller coaster and you really don’t know where it’s headed. Fortunately for guys this phase lasts one week or for the weak at heart… we allow a period of TWO WEEKS! Anything longer than this, then we just read in the newspaper of a man who wrote a ten paged letter to his lost love, went out for a bottle of cheap strong liquor and   then his ultimate purchase, the strongest most effective rope money can buy! We know how the rest of the story goes…

Phase Three involves the rebound girl. Ladies, if you know what’s good for you, then by all means you will keep away from this dude… anything outside a one night stand will lead to trouble. This guy is looking for a temporary replacement. Someone to play house with about a month. He will be sweet, kind and charming. He’ll probably screw the living daylights out of you-there are advantages to this-but the moment you give him a reason to dump you, it will be fast, efficient and ruthless! Sweetheart, you stand no chance when up against such a man. You will forever live in the shadow of his ex. You see the ex will always be a standard of measurement. You will forever be referred to in measurements like… “Half Wambui”…”Two times Wambui…” “A Quarter Wambui…”. Basically, the standard of measurement will never change. You might be better, but you will never be WAMBUI! This phase is great for the guy.  He now has his cake, and he is eating it. Look at it, he is having mindless sex, there is little in form of emotional investment, and for some reason, this woman is always much prettier and hotter than the ex he is getting over. Chances are that the guy will be the envy of the boys! Sadly, everything good must come to an end. The relationship probably lasts longer than the one he’s trying to get over, but when questions like “where are we headed” start popping up, then the man’s comforts are suddenly cut short! This mama will however always remain a “friend with benefits!” So there really is no loss.

Phase Four is all about going FULL CIRCLE. You and the ex have gone different ways for sometime, you’ve both seen the world for what it really is… and conversation is relaxed. At this point, both of you know what’s going to happen. Either, you will get married and live thanking the Lord each day for the times you had when you were apart, or the both of you transform into friend with extra special added benefits! Its not just friends with benefits, it’s the hybrid type, a little emotion, a whole lot of loving. Its friends with benefits RELOADED. Its friends with benefits HERBAL. Its friends with benefits MPYA with extra ingredients! This my friend, is what many refer to as true bliss! This is the toast of all friendships.

So, dudes… where are you at in your relationships? I will pray you are not in love. I will hope that you are at STAGE 3. If you are still in Love… well, be patient my brother. The elders can hear your cry. The circumciser’s knife is being sharpened. It will hurt but it will be so worth it my friend.

P.S- This Friday I post on the stages women go through. All the way from break up to full circle. Watch for it!

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