October 5, 2009 5 Comments
“You know I’ve seen a lot of what the world can do,
and it’s breaking my heart in two,
cause I never want to see you sad girl,
don’t be a bad girl,
but if you want to leave take good care,
hope you make a lot of nice friends out there,
but just remember there’s a lot of bad and beware,
Oh baby baby it’s a wild world,
it’s hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh baby baby it’s a wild world”
Maxi Priest- Wild World (Original version by Cat Stevens)
I believe a man called Ringera is a very sly chap! I’ve known few men who exit just in the nick of time! Some say he should have called it quits earlier, but people, look at the reality here! This man waited till 30th Of September to resign. He made sure that his hefty salary was in his account before quiting. Well played Sir! I couldn’t have timed it any better myself.
Whether he’d done a good job or not is besides the point here. Whether his re-appointment was in order is not the point I’m putting across either. Its that he was blowing 2.5M A MONTH for five years and now that he’s exited, he stands to be given a golden handshake of guess how much? KES 150M! YES… KENYAN CURRENCY not good old mad man Bob’s currency, but Kenya Shillings! Its got me thinking about something a good friend of mine since back in the day, was telling me recently. This guy has NEVER been DUMPED! He’s the one always doing the DUMPING! It got me thinking… Is this guy sane? How is it that he’s never been dumped? He knows not how to make a grand exit! He needs a lesson or two from the Maestro himself.
I know you are probably wondering what’s so good about being dumped. What is so sweet about being the one on the receiving end? Well my friend… a tried, tested and perfected technique-details which can be found on my site www.youstupididiot.fo.ol- demands of men to at all times be dumped. Be the “bad guy”! How does that benefit you? Well… the golden parachute makes the landing so sweet! This “Golden Parachute Technique” is the Holy Grail of grand exits. Being the kind man that I am, being the man whose generosity knows no bounds, I hereby stand to pour down my knowledge to all of you! Guys, have your pens and papers ready. Ladies, you might want to look away right about now!
What is flawed about my friend doing the dumping is that he crashed any chance that the mama will one day down the road give him a farewell gift! Now, this farewell gift always lasts for at the very least- 2 months only to be repeated every year. By you dumping the mama, she will never forgive you. She will see you as her tormentor. Women always want you try to be in the relationship. Guys, the day you give up on her, do not dare say, Its Over! Do not be the one to utter those words. Instead, I want you to empower her! Make her feel special. Let her be the one who “dumped” you. Push her buttons! If you’ve been going out long enough, you know what she hates. Make her feel like she could do better. Make her “hurt you!” The key here is she should be the one who called it quits. Make her feel that way. She should be the one telling her friends how glad she is she dumped you. Be patient. This may be hard for any proud man to tolerate, but dude, do not forget… A “Golden Parachute” awaits you in the not so distant future!
A wise man once said, “never give a woman an option you don’t want her to take, because she just might take that option” Guys, the golden Parachute technique as perfected by the maestro Ringera himself is to always remind her that she can leave you whenever “she Wants!” by this time, you are fed up with her! You’ve had enough of her and you keep pressing all her wrong buttons over and over again accompanied by the reminder that she can “leave whenever she wants!” At this point, the woman starts to long for that “whenever she wants”! The exit signs are written all over. You stop… pause and smile. Theirs light at the end of the tunnel!
Women are probably reading this wondering how they’d know if the man wants to pull a Ringera on her! Well, the signs will be written all over. Most of the times women are too blinded to see the signs… Simple signs include him suddenly discovering his Love for shagz. You know his visits to the bunduz are few and far between and suddenly, he is going “shagz” every weekend. Scrap that… On Friday evening without fail, he will up and go “shagz”! The reality is that all the while he is holed up either in his clande’s place or he is in his own digz watching some DVDs. All he did was get a series like “How I met Your Mother” Season 1,2,3 and 4. He knows he’s leaving his place on Monday morning. He’ll tell you he’s just fikad his place on Sunday at some weird hour like 10 pm. He no longer wants to spend time with you. Your presence causes him sheer agony. You know something is wrong, but you just don’t figure that he doesn’t want to be with you! This can go on for months on end and one day, you’ve had enough and you decide to leave him. Little do you know that he “left” the relationship once upon a time!
Guys, lets not be monsters. Lets not be the ones ALWAYS leaving the women. Let us empower our women. We are living in different times. The times we are living in call for equal opportunity. Lets give our women a chance to dump us. Lets give them the tools to up and leave us. It is only fair to do that. Kick up a storm and be the “good for nothing”! By doing this, you forever endear yourself to her. A wise man once said, “never bang a door on your way out, you never know when you will have to walk back in…” Always leave just enough room for a “golden parachute”. Yes, in the grand scheme of things, your morals will be ranked with those of an alley cat, but in her world, she’ll always be the one left! That sometimes is all that matters. Be the one who got hurt. Be the one who got the raw deal. Just like Ringera, when you are gone, people will ask what happened. They will want to know why it happened and if you did the best you could given the “circumstances”! They will treat you like a martyr. After our exit, the crowd public will be asked for its opinion. They will say “you were a good man…” You will play the sympathy card. For now, let me grab my phone and give respect to my role model. Ringera The Maestro himself. I want him back… I’m sending as many texts as my units can allow. To Save Ringera SMS 1 to K.A.C.C (5222).
NB:The views expressed above do not necessarily reflect the opinion of Raymond Chepkwony unless he stands to gain monetarily or he stands to get laid. For the SMS, terms and conditions apply-though I do not know them myself!