The Key, The Padlock And A Woman’s Value.

Put It In..Twist And Turn!

“You thought, you could
Keep this shit from me, yeah
Ya burnt bitch, I heard the story
Ya played me, ya even gave him head
Now ya askin for me back
Ya just another act, look elsewhere
Cuz ya done with me”

(Ef It)Don’t Want You Back- Eamon

The good news is… I am back at the local. In December I partook of alcohol on credit and so in January… I was on escape mode. However, January is gone and I am back at the local and I am surprised at the volume bad vibe I have missed out on! Seriously people… It is important to sit with the “wazees”at the local as often as possible for in so doing…you gain wisdom and you gain an indepth knowledge of “stuff” beyond the wisdom of Wikipedia. On my first visit back to the local, I chose to sit with some hotties. I had to see if they still had love for me… One hottie asked me an interesting question… “Why is it that when a man sleeps around, he is hailed as a King, and when a woman does the same… She is a WHORE!” Her words NOT MINE…but, they could’ve been mine!

Raymond is as yet to find a question he couldn’t answer. These hotties had obviously been around the block… if you catch my drift… and so they were looking for answers to soothe their bruised reputation-whatever little was left anyway-and in a way, I think they expected a gentlemanly response from me… Of course it occurred to me that by giving a soothing answer, I had a shot at a threesome… that’s a story for another day though… I told the ladies I’d give them an appropriate response at an appropriate time. I hereby submit my appropriate response to them.

I once had a padlock that was called “ORIV”. Now, we all know the original padlocks are called “VIRO”. Now this padlock was the most takataka padlock ever. Seriously speaking, I could use a Tri-Cycle key to open the darned thing. Whenever I slotted in a Solex key… Open Sesame…whenever I used a car Key… Open Sesame. It was such a bad padlock that it got to a point I really didn’t have to use a key anymore. All I needed to do was just gently pull the padlock and it’d snap open in an instant!

Let me take you a few years back… way way back to my High School days! Now, I had this key that opened many lockers. This key ensured that I never starved to death and I owe my rugby playing body heavily to that key. Now, because I was able to open other people’s lockers, I had access to other people’s stash of chapos and junk food! I know some of my mates are going to kill me…but I was touched by the word today and had to let it out! Its been a burden carrying the secret with me-Okay, I just lied-but either way… I managed to survive four years of high school with relative ease! Thanks to my super KEY.

Now, I hope you don’t think I was telling the above two stories for no good reason. Here is where the cookie crumbles… read on my people…

When you have a Key that opens everywhere… that magical key should be used to open as many padlocks as possible. Use it to open bank vaults if you so wish. We will honour you and your key. However, should you have a padlock that is pried open with ease by any key, then let’s face it people…that padlock really has no value. It is only good for temporary relief and you can only use it in case of emergencies. Sometimes, when you can’t find your Solex padlock… or your steel enforced padlock, then you have to resort to your temporary ORIV padlock…but you shouldn’t at anytime be fooled or duped into using that padlock as a permanent solution to a temporary solution. You will suffer the indignity of having your padlock opened by the multitudes that may choose to do so!

People… A man is a lot like the KEY! If a key opens many padlocks, it is referred to as a “MASTER KEY”. A woman is a lot like the Padlock. You see, when a man is meant to go on to the world and open as many padlocks as he possibly can. It is a man’s quest to become the ultimate MASTER KEY. It is on the other hand… the ultimate quest for a woman to become the Enforced Padlock… only opening a limited few and select keys… Men will always try to outdo each other… see whose key opens the most doors…whose key is bigger. The competitions are endless. Men even compete on weird twisted levels like whose key can open big padlocks, married padlocks… at the end of the day; we all need to face the reality. It is a man’s duty if not calling to behave like a padlock. It is his primary goal in life to wiggle into and twist in and out of as many padlocks as he possibly can. A woman however, has to ensure that as few keys as possible turn her padlock! It is in being rarely pried open that a padlock gets its worth! A padlock’s worth can be directly attributed to the number of keys out there that can open it! The fewer the keys, the more valuable the padlock is! FACT OF LIFE…

Now, if you’ve not gotten the moral of my Key and Padlock tales, well, I kindly suggest that you log on to www.dumbass.co.ke. I have a full and detailed analysis of the theory there. For now, let me sign off. Raymond has a padlock to open…and that padlock claims to be brand new, but from the look of it and the ease to which it has accepted my offer to open, I think it is more of an ORIV type padlock rather the Solex I am accustomed to. Drastic times however, call for more than drastic measures!

Follow me on twitter-chepkwonyr and on facebook-Ray Chepkwony

You Know I Love You… Right?

“Tell me your name
Although I know the last one
It’s funny that we’re shaking hands

(Wait a minute I know this hand…..)

It’s the same hand: I’ll hold in front of a minister
Same hand: When your having my son and his sister
I don’t mean to sound so bold and forward
But I thank you in advance”

Boys To Men- Thank You In Advance

In my short life, I can proudly say, I have gone through the experiences of all spectrums of emotions. I have Loved, I have hated, I have liked, I have adored. I have been hurt; I have been the cause of pain and anguish. I have done myself proud; I have disappointed those who thought highly of me. I have been a good man; I have been a naughty boy. All said and done, Raymond is happy with whom he is. You can be good… you can do good, or… you can pack it all up and give up. I have been all the above!

I have not always been lucky in Love… Something always didn’t match. There was always something amiss. Maybe I loved her, but she was in Love with someone else. Maybe I thought of her as a friend… she wanted more. Sometimes, I thought of her as a “shag buddy” and she thought she was in a committed exclusive relationship. With all the twists and turns that come with life, nothing could possibly have ever prepared me for what I am going through right now. As always, there is a glitch in this relationship… theirs is a cloud in this silver lining. DISTANCE!

Some six months back, Raymond would not have entertained the thought of a long distance relationship. Actually, I thought long distance relationships were meant for losers who were so clingy that they could not find someone in their vicinity to satisfy their urges! I thought Long distance relationships were meant for men who believed in sex with the bar maid and when the bar maid is off, then Vaseline and a strong right hand would do just fine! Now, I can say, I understand. I understand how one can be attracted to someone who is miles away and feel the bond of love so tight that you can’t wait for the next phone call. How do you explain a bond so good and perfect when the one you hold dear and you hold true is miles away?

To get to where I am, maybe I need to go to the start… I met this girl… we had a brilliant time together, and contrary to the norm… we did not have sex. By all means, any man would lose interest after a week. We all know men have the attention the size of their testiscles. This girl however was special. Have you ever said goodbye to someone, and the thought of them still lingers on? Well… that is how she was. Initially, it was harmless… seeing her online and saying hello, was more like meeting a pal or a colleague on the streets and stopping to ask the questions whose answers you don’t really care about. Questions like…”hello, how are you doing?” we all know that such questions are never really meant to be answered. Anyway, soon, we were discussing how our days have been. How some half brained dimwits have de-stabilised our lives… how some morons who we suspect are of a different species are messing with the constitution. That kind of thing! Before I knew it, I couldn’t help but wonder… “WHY I’m I missing this girl?”  I realized I loved her when one day I said… “I wish you were here with me….”! That statement… was mad love right there. Raymond was in love. Only that he would never have admitted it at the time.

To make sense out of the predicament I now faced, I decided to assemble my team of “eminent” persons. They have given me 100 reasons why I find myself so in Love… The full list is on my website, www.whippedassnegroe.co.ke. I will only delve into three. These three, explain it all!

1 Getting to know her

REALITY is brutal. The harsh reality of life dictates that we never really get to know the other person. First, we normally have sex and the we see how ot goes from there.what happens when you the sex out of the equation? You are left with bare knuckle openness. I guess I can say that what I got to know about her in 2 weeks, was the kind of stuff you get to know about someone after dating for two years. Their were nights when we spent on chat or on Skype till the sun rose! Nights when I’d go out, get wasted as hell, and then go back home, log on and say goodnight! This girl, I have come to know! This girl, I have come to Love.

2- Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

Theirs is a need to have that which you can’t have! Theirs is a need to touch a wall that says “wet paint” just confirm that the paint is indeed WET! My falling in Love this time round is possibly because I cannot have all of her. There will always be that missing link. That extra bit of physical longing. Theirs the desire for a hug. The desire for a kiss. That keeps me glued to her like a train on the tracks. The flame in this case is fuelled by sheer compatibility. The drive is sustained by the emotional presence and the physical absence

3- Wit, charm and character

When my panel of “eminent persons” wrote this down, I wondered what that had to do with anything! They answered… For anyone to keep a long distance relationship going, a strong sense of character from both parties is needed. A great sense of humour always comes in handy. To keep someone who is not physically with you, is Meta physically not with you either but is so emotionally connected with you is not easy. It is hard. Some charm and wit are traits that the relationship can happen. It is proof that relationships can work even when someone is away.

 

People, sometimes, we go far and wide to find the one you want to wake up next to for the rest of your life. Sometimes you find the one right next to you. Sometimes, you stumble upon the one in the middle of the night, drunk and stinking like a skunk but the moment you meet her, you know your life is forever changed. Sometimes you have to stop looking and the cynic in you may just be blown away by a helpless romantic heart. Sometimes though… you have to work to get love right. And when you finally get the perfect fit, you do not want to let go, for by letting go, you forever know that you will be scarred and the thought of an eternity spent without her, is the thought of the devil hosting the winter Olympics.

I guess we love for different reasons. Maybe it’s the need to belong. For some it’s to fulfil a longing. For others, it’s because they want someone who can just tag along. Some even get into relationships because they are a tit bit forlorn. Some are in relationships because time is too far gone to get a chance at true love. Others just string people along. However, real and lasting love you will one day find, in the heart of someone you never thought existed. If Raymond could fall in love, then people, there is hope! There is HOPE!

The Perfect Kenyan Wife

“No one be like you
See I don go different places, I’ve seen many faces
No one be like you
So they cannot replace you, coz you are a blessing
No one be like you
You driving me crazy coz you are my baby
No one be like you
No one
No one like you
One like you
No one
One like you”

P-Square- No One Be Like You

There comes a time when a man decides to settle down and get married. Ladies, there’s a big difference between the woman I want to go out and party with, and the woman I want to MARRY! Just because I have tones of fun with you, doesn’t mean I’m going to marry you! Men look for something different between a party girl and a woman who is “marriage material”! The way I see it, some women are at a distinct ADVANTAGE when it comes to being marriage material! Her TRIBE always counts for something! YES… I am going all tribal today! Men, here is the ultimate guide as to which tribe has the best “marriage material women!” I suggest all guys sit back and prepare a “raid” on a certain community, and all women, start changing your story lines and INSIST that your grandmother was from the tribe I think has the best bet for the perfect Kenyan woman.

The Kalenjin Woman.

These are women who will Love You with all their hearts and minds! They will be loyal and will accept you as the one and only! Guys, you may think this is the best… but you are so mistaken. The day she ever finds you with another woman, she will take all her kids and jump into the nearest river! They are too emotional and are not rational in their ways! They are the ultimate drama queens. Women from North Rift-Eldoret region- can not only run faster than their husbands, but they are known to be outright lazy and love the ways of the bottle a bit too much! They are famous for their love of Guinness Kubwa. Guys, if you were thinking of making in roads into Kale-land, then I’m sorry to disappoint you! Make a turn NOW before it’s too late! As for the sex… JUST MISSIONARY and you will never go experimental on her!

The Luhya Woman

Lets face it… these are the Ugali queens themselves! They will feed you on Porridge for breakfast, Ugali for Lunch and more Ugali in the evening. Only difference is that the lunch time Ugali, will be softer than the evening Ugali. They are big bodied plus sized women. Before you start packing for a trip to Kakamega, let me burst your bubble! If you marry a mama from western be prepared for the following THREE terms… 1- You must be willing to live in the same house as domestic animals like Chickens. 2- You must be willing to attend a funeral almost every weekend. Somehow, a cousin/uncle/nephew/niece pops dead every month! 3- You must be willing to indefinitely host relatives… from brothers in law, to her primary school teacher’s son’s wife!… Lughya mamas have some strange vibe about joining weird religions! They will one day wake up in the middle of the night and start casting out demons! They will then proceed to sing and chant at 3 a.m! Don’t be surprised if one day she wakes up and says she’s going with the church for a two year mission to Jerusalem! Her church-which will normally have a strange name like “House of the great kingdom of Judah” or “Nearest To Jesus Christ Church”- will say they sell all their property because god spoke to the pastor and instructed them to go for pilgrimage or that the world is ending and they should be assembled in Bethlehem or they will be left behind!

The Luo Woman.

If the quantity of sex is what matters in your life…if you like well endowed women… then this is just the one woman you might be tempted to go for! They are always willing to give it up and the booty they have on display always dazzles the eye! These women are hard working, intelligent and dress very well. If however, you are not a Luo, please stay away from her! They have a tendency to still go back to Luo Men even after they get married! They tend to be “big bodied”-lets face it…they are FAT-and they will like clubbing even in old age! They are the type you will find at the carnivore for Crunk Night on a Saturday at 2 am! They like the good life! A difference exists between the women of South Nyanza and their counterparts from Central Nyanza! If she’s from Migori Region, she’s an SDA and will wear some kitambaa on her head. She will not give up sex too often, but when she does…it’s an all night affair! From Central Nyanza, they are more flamboyant. More in your face kind of women. They are domineering and will not shy away from punching their husbands to a pulp! Unless you are a Kung-Fu master, kindly keep off! Does Conje ring a bell???

The Kikuyu Woman.

So much has been said about them I wonder if there’s little left to say! The women from Karatina are said to “sit” on their husbands! They are blocks in terms of body structure! They are very pretty on face value, but… the rest of their body is just one block! Husbands of Karatina women are said to have turned to the drink as a result of frustrations! They are the ones famous for the saying “nifunike ukimaliza!” Our own Ka-Roocay,Karua are said to hail from this region! Then comes the mama from Kiambu/Thika… My friend, marry her and have a will in place. You’ve never heard how men die in these are codes? A huge rock fell from the sky on to a brother, or he “fell” into the pit latrine… Chances of living to see old age diminish rapidly when you marry a Kiambu/Thika woman. I hear even insurance companies charge a higher premium than normal for men who’ve married kyuks from these are codes!

The Kamba Woman.

The sex these women will give you… is mind blowing! If you find a Kamba woman who has those beads on her waist, then be ready to have some mind blowing “game”! Surround sound… twists and turns… They are always ready and they’ve got a “skill set” that is unique to them! When a Kamba woman smiles, the world feels like a better place. Her voice can give you an ear-gasm! Problem is… they are “generous” beyond the confines of your marriage! They are good at what they do because of practice! Your bed will break so many times, you might as well sleep on the floor! They are not known for loyalty to their husbands. They will love whoever is available in so many ways! Do not be fooled by their harmless demeanor! If the word “Kamute” doesn’t scare you away from them, I don’t know what will!

The Coasterian Woman.

Her cooking skills will be legendary. Her beauty is unmatched. When she talks to you in that perfect Swahili, you can’t help but melt away! “Twende nikupikie wali wa mnazi…” is all she will say and your mind will be singing to her tune. Common fact though, is that beauty and brains are not best of friends. If you want a lazy mama, who is as daft as a plank of wood and who still believes that the world is flat…then go for a coast woman! Apart from keeping your house neat and tidy, she will not lift a finger-unless she’s applying Heina on her hands or gently swaying to the taarab beat!

And finally… after searching up and down the country… after months of painstaking research…results of which are found on www.youmustbeamoron.co.ke I hereby present to you…

The PERFECT WOMAN!

About ten years ago, these women came with 20 year money-back guarantee! Due to the effects of the world economic crisis, they now come with a 10 year, money-back guarantee! They are caring and loving and will go to extremes for their husbands! Those that drink, can drink you and your friends under the table and carry you home, make you a sumptuous meal and still give you some serious “you know what”! For the women from this community who do not drink, they will wait up for their husbands till whatever hour the bugger decides to crawl home. He will find food waiting, and he will be given a tongue lashing! A serious mouthful of words that can not be repeated. This is not a bad thing. The husband needs to be kept in check! His friends, who drink with him till late, will also not be spared! They will be told to leave her husband alone! She will protect her family and will do anything-almost-to please her husband. They have names that roll off the tongue sweetly. Their names are delicious to the tongue. Names like Kagwiria, Nkirote, Makena… Sweet on the tongue!

If you’ve not figured it out, then keep wondering why I’m writing my blog from Meru. I’m in the hunt for a sweet Meru woman. I’ve got Miraa and Big-G to keep me company on my hunt for the famed Meru “Ten Year Cash Back Guarantee” woman.

SHAVE The “Mau”… SAVE the Mau.

“There’s A Place In
Your Heart
And I Know That It Is Love
And This Place Could
Be Much
Brighter Than Tomorrow
And If You Really Try
You’ll Find There’s No Need
To Cry
In This Place You’ll Feel
There’s No Hurt Or Sorrow
Cuz There Are Ways
To Get There
If You Care Enough
For The Living
Make A Little Space
Make A Better Place”

Heal The World- Michael Jackson

I sometimes consider myself an advocate for the environment. I am known to call for the planting of trees everywhere. In your small garden, plant a tree or two. In your balcony, have some pots of flowers. The world could sure use another tree. That said, I took the time over the weekend to travel with some friends to go on a tree planting exercise at the Mau. The devastation caused by man is a disaster in unmatched. While at the Mau, I picked up a new cause. Not only am I now the advocating for the salvation of the Mau, I have given myself a new cause. To tell my sweet ladies to please SHAVE THE “MAU”!

Once upon a time, in the eras of our fore-mothers, men really had no option. All the terrain was covered in forest. Women did not have blades sharp enough, to cut down their “Mau” cover. Now, with the change of time, and with the advent of laser technology, all this has changed. Both men and women have options! Times changed from moving shaving just legs, then to armpits, and nowadays, the Brazilian wax! Women can not afford to ignore the fact that “Mau” needs to be kept clean shaven at all times! Any modern day woman to whom the “environment” matters-for obvious reasons I will exclude Maathai because lets face it, no man, no matter how brave, is willing to explore her “Mau”! Any man with the audacity to down there, is high on a cocktail of drugs, or is simply performing a great act of god!

I harbor absolutely no qualms about “going down” on a mama. If anything, I enjoy giving back to society. Well, after she’s gone down on me, the least I can do is return the favor. Now the guys, who are thinking that I’ve lost my mind, are just kidding themselves. They want to do it, but they are just scared of actually doing it! Ladies, give the man a little nudge in that direction. Suggest it… do not give hints! Just tell the bugger of a man that you demand he returns the favor! Should the man finally muster up the courage to use his tongue, I can not imagine his disappointment at finding the “Mau” forest in full bloom! Who wants to navigate territory with no map? Who wants to wander around alien bush in the night?

Why is it that a woman will go round carrying a full grown bush? What are you trying prove? What cause are you fighting? Why are you trying to run beauticians out of business? Did your ex run off with a mama from a beauty parlor? Yeah I know you’ll probably blame it on allergies, blame it on not finding the “right” place to get a wax… or you don’t have the appropriate shaving equipment… That counts for nothing to the man. Go out and get the Brazilian wax. Get a shave sweetie. NO EXCUSES!

Sometimes, a time comes when a man wants to build his house. He goes to his father and asks for a parcel of land. Now, no father can be cruel to his sons and give him a spot smack in the middle of a forest. The same applies to when a woman wants a man’s tongue planted in her nether regions. After all the encouragement, and after all the nudging and requesting, a time comes when a man decides to use his tongue. Now, if he happens to find an over grown forest, the disappointment he will face can only be compared to you finding out the real reason why he has the name John tattooed on his butt! Women, do not only shave the “Mau”, be sure to shave the “Aberdares” as well. In short, those armpit hairs are a big no no! Why would walk around town with a sleeveless top with all your hairs in display? Yikes… do you have any idea the dust you pick up? With water rationing still in full effect, the shower you claim to take is not even near being enough to wash away the dust! I say all this, with your health in mind! I say it all, for your own good.

MEN… Yes, the pen spares nobody! Isn’t it time you got rid of that mane you call chest hair? You think it makes you look sexy? Only in your crazy mind my friend! Those hairs sticking out of your back are no better! Get a wax. It is painful but if you expect women to be clean shaven, then its only fair that you visit a beautician’s shop and get a wax done my friend. This is a matter on national importance! As for the trees still planted next to flag pole, I believe the pace of technology is yet to catch up, and so that can stay for now! But only for NOW!

If you are wondering if I’m well shaven with no hair on my chest and back, then my answer is NO! However, I’m doing something about this grave anomaly! I am willing and ready to visit a beautician for a wax. People, please tell me where in Nairobi, a man can get a wax! Give that contact and I will more than be obliged to go out and get my chest hairs out!

Being environment friendly, I’m asking the Government to include both Saving the Mau and SHAVING the “Mau” as part of the goals for 2030. These two should be treated equally and are paramount to all! My very well placed sources in “low” places, even tell me that a draft bill entitling all those who will SHAVE “Mau” to compensation is being presented to parliament in the near future! Taxation on shaving equipment is soon to be reduced and Beauticians who specialize in “Mau” evictions will be VAT exempt! In the mean time, I will not be swayed. I will stand firm in my beliefs. I will be steadfast in my cause. I shall not be bent by tribal or sexist politics! I will now and forever champion the cause that is SHAVE THE MAU!

What shag have you had today??

“The beats of my heart so fast
His finger tips meet my lips
And the tips on my fingers make me flip
Am maybe I was losing my mind
To yet another loose mind
That expected I spread thighs
With my thighs on spreads
Unfortunately he had to jerk off
And off the jerk went
Remembering his heydays
Days spent on hay”

Elle Ce Ce Nabs – www.myheartscripted.blogspot.com

A friend of mine recently told me that my mind is 99% occupied with thoughts of sex, and 1% of my brain engages in activities that fall in the “others” category. Well, she’s probably RIGHT! The unfortunate part however, is that if Steadman were to do a quick poll, I’d probably be in the percentage that thinks about sex the least. Majority of men have sex on their minds 99.896325% of the time-For details, please visit www.youstupididiot.fo.ol. Now ladies, you probably wonder how exactly a man’s mind can be so pre-occupied with that  and everything else seems to be downgraded to second place. A man’s mind is simple… Show him something that can get him laid, and he will go to the furthest corners of the universe to get it! You doubt me???

They say women use sex to get Love, men however use Love to get sex. It’s a vicious cycle! It’s a cycle that is not about to be broken anytime soon. There are many WAYS of having sex. Some make for interesting reading, some make for wonderful reading and some make for Oh My Goodness” kind of reading. And just for the record, let me state that like hell I’m I letting anyone insert any manner of objects in my ass just because some book said it is stimulating! Back to the matter at hand… I wonder if ladies ever give a second thought to the type of sex that they are getting. Is it the quality, or is it the quantity? Is it the time spent having sex, or is it the times spent not having sex that matters. Ladies, I am here to give you a free lesson on the types of sex a man can have with you! Guys, I’m sorry to let the cat out of the bag, but lets face it, at some point they will get to figure it out!

The Wham-Bam-Thank-You-Ma’am!

Ladies, has a man ever had sex with you, promised to call you and all that crap and that was the last time you ever heard from him? He even said he moved house, said he got a job out of the country, or the infamous… “I lost my phone and I didn’t have your number”! Well my dear, do not be offended. It’s simple really, you were a one night stand. He had no intention of seeing you ever again. Not for lunch, not for a drink, not even for coffee. Do not even pop into his place of work just because you were in the neighborhood and wanted to say “Hi”! Accept this fact and you’ll live happily ever after. On the plus side, he probably gave you all he had… he went all out experimenting on stuff you never thought possible..he probably twisted and turned you inside out! You were his experiment so that he can go and try it out at HOME! I’m sure he got all kinky and no man will reach the high he gave you. So DEAL WITH IT!

The Sympathy Shag!

Ladies, did the man tell you a sob story? Has he recently been dumped by hi s long term girlfriend? Has he recently lost his job? I can’t understand how sob stories get a man laid, but they JUST DO! Women have this urge to be the “comforter”. Women have this inbuilt system to show sympathy to anyone that deserves it! All a man has to do is to be on the brink of total and utter destruction and he’ll get laid over and over again! What gets me laughing is when a man who has recently “lost” every penny he had in a pyramid scheme, is buying the mama drinks in an up market bar! Once he spots his prey, all a man has to do is look forlorn, have that lost look in his eye. A handkerchief will come in handy to wipe away “tears” when he is overcome by emotions. Once a mama starts listening to his cock and bull story, she is on her way to giving the man a sympathy shag! Come morning, he will kick you out-A job interview is always a good excuse-and you will never hear from him again! Long live the sympathy shag!

The Pity Shag

What is it with ladies that keeps drawing them back to the ex? I just don’t get it! For some reason, ladies think that to mend a relationship with the ex, a sad story of loosing your distant cousin will do! Now, a man being a creature of habit, will be there for you. He will hold you, let you cry on his shoulder! Everything will feel perfect! Then he will go on to give the best sex you ever had! The following day, the mama will assume that the relationship is back on track. That is until she spots the G-String in the man’s shower and the pair of heels on the shoe rack. Unless the dude has always been gay and you were just too blind to see it, then the painful truth is that the lucky chap just gave you a pity shag! Sad, but TRUE!

The I’d Rather Jerk Off Shag

When you’ve been in a relationship for sometime, well…the sex kinda becomes boring. It’s just a fact of life that every so often, the man will just not feel like shagging you. He knows kesho being Saturday, is clande time. Here you are on Friday demanding for some conjugal rights. The jamaa doesn’t want to make you suspicious as to why he doesn’t want to have sex with you. So he simply gives you a quick one. The shag that’s over even before he’s started. The obvious excuse will always be, “it’s been a long week/day… “ or he will just shrug it off and blame the coffee for his lack of mood. Ladies, men will always want sex. If he doesn’t, then he’s got a dish on the side who is serving up some life altering dishes! If this has happened to you girls, know that your sweetheart, either had sex earlier o is planning to have sex later. JUST NOT WITH YOU! For now, he’d honestly rather jerk off than have sex you!

The Quickie

In a recent survey conducted by my world famous poll masters, 99.238% of men were found to have had “quickies”! This is NEVER with the wife or girlfriend. This is reserved for someone you just met and so it is done at the back of the car, or with the colleague at work late in the evening and you are all alone in the office. This type of shag me likes. It’s like doing something on a hunch! Your gut instincts say go for it. On your bosses chair now! Quick… do not even pretend that this is twisted. It’s been known to happen. Dumb asses have been known to forget security cameras and get fired! Let’s not forget the days in college when you hooked up with a mama after class. It was her way of saying thank you for letting her dub from you!

The Nimeomba Miaka Mingi Sex

Ladies, you flirt with someone for years on end and you’ve never dropped those ngothas for him. One day, you decide to give it to him… at the back of your mind you are probably thinking that it’s the start of something beautiful. That it’s the start of a new chapter. To the jamaa…this is a reward for all the years of work and effort he’s put towards luring you. Today, he plans to get laid all night. No coffee breaks, no water breaks… the guy plans to take out all the years of wishing, wanting and lusting in one night! You will sleep at 3 am and wake up at 6 am and you are back at it again! Just before you leave, he will give you a goodbye shag… the best night of your life is what it is! Do not go assuming that now you have a thing going on! Hapana! You’ve traumatized him for years, you’ve been playing hard to get for years and finally he had you ngothas off and you think it’s a relationship? Now it’s your turn to do the running girlfriend. The guy feels he now has the upper hand and he will treat you as you treated him for dog gone years.

Cougar Sex

Guys always have an attraction towards an older and “more experienced” woman. Guys will always want to hit it with the older mama. Just to measure themselves. They will do it over and over again. It’s just a man’s way of exploring what the older woman has to offer. Older mamas will always have some freaky part in themselves. The cougar is downright nasty. She’s got whips, chains, lashes… handcuffs. She’s the successful mama every man would love to get with! When she gets her “toy-boy”, she doesn’t dare hold back! She goes all out freaky! The cougar should never think she’s in a relationship! This is just a young exploring the so called outer limits. After a week or two, he will get tired and go back to the usual under 18-just buy them airtime-and will quickly forget you.

Not to say my list is exhaustive, but I just want ladies to accept the humble fact that SEX does not mean a relationship. Take it as it is and hard as it may be, do not make anything out of it unless it is specifically stated and in advance! Whoever said money makes the world go round was dead wrong! It is SEX that makes the world go round!

PS- This blog advocates for safe sex practices and NO you DIMWIT, that doesn’t mean you have sex in a police station!

For The She Who Counts To He.

“Why don’t you stay the evening
Kick back and watch the TV
And Ill fix a little something to eat
Oh I know your back hurts from working on the tractor
How do you take your coffee my sweet
I will raise the children if you pay all the bills

Where is my john Wayne
Where is my prairie son
Where is my happy ending
Where have all the cowboys gone”

Paula Cole- Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?

I love my Local Pub. It is here that I get to hear of great tales and legends. Sunday afternoon proved no different. As always I sat with “the boys” at a corner discussing this and that! Twas more like whiling the Sunday afternoon away! They say there is always calm before a big storm. And sure enough, the storm came! The wife of one of the boys walked in, fuming and with two babies in tow! Obviously we all scampered for safety and left our “boy” to the elements of an angry Woman! This episode however got me thinking… where are the REAL MEN? Can the REAL MEN stand up and be counted? Can the REAL MEN stand up for their families, for their wives, for their girlfriends- Please stand as appropriate!

African men have never been known to have chivalry as a trait! They are instead known for bumming under a tree waiting for the heavens to drop food from the sky. For years, this worked out pretty well. All a self respecting African man needed to do was to marry multiple wives and then father as many children as possible so that he would have sufficient laborers for his expansive land.  Life was true bliss for this Neanderthal! He’d wake up and his porridge was ready. His wives would bow as he entered his hut and they were to ensure that he had a sufficient supply of Muratina, Busaa or Mnazi! By 10 a.m, he was already under some tree lording over his family as they slaved away in the fields. They were slave drivers of the worst kind. Come evening, all he had to do was cough and they wives knew by the cough who among them was to give conjugal rights that day! That was then… Unfortunately, some men have refused to evolve. They are hell bent on proving that Darwin’s Theory of Evolution was flawed. I kid you not when I say that many a man have had their reality cheques bounce!

They say that Kamba men will have a wife and girlfriend. He will Love his muhindi employer the most. The Luo man will have two wives and a girlfriend. He will love his neighbor’s wife the most. The Kalenjin man will have a wife and girlfriend. He will love his tractor the most. The Kikuyu man will have a wife and a girlfriend. He loves his girlfriend the most. The Luhya man will have a wife and a girlfriend. Unfortunately, he will make Love to his goat the most! The connecting string here is that, men will never be content. At what point does a man really settle down. At what point will he say he is satisfied with the woman he has chosen as his one and only?

Any good woman. Any lady,  worth her salt will expect to be treated with dignity and respect. Give her the attention. Give her the 10 minutes she craves for in your tight hands. Give her the loving she desires! Guys… Tusker sold over 10.5MILLION bottles of in the year 2008. Trust me when I say EABL will not miss you if you chose to spend Saturday afternoon with the one you Love. Women expect to be treated in a certain way. They don’t expect to know directions. That’s the man’s job. They do not expect to pay for dinner. They do not even carry their ID cards. That’s the man’s job. The man is expected to know all these things. It is up to the man to keep his woman happy. He should be the one tracking finances. He should be the one to ensure that the bacon is brought home and in sufficient quantities, economic crisis or not! The mark of a real man is not how many cars he drives. Its not the power he wields at work. Its not his ability to walk into the bar and proclaim “Chafua meza!”. His sole duty lies in making his woman happy. Make her smile. Give her reason to fall in love with you all over again every single day. The art of chivalry should not be stuff for the movies. Guys, make her feel special. Make her feel like she’s got the right man. With time, I admit, emotions like Love or even hate seem to fizzle out, but with the woman who well and truly loves you, a simple act of sending her a dozen roses for no reason at all, or a gesture like a kiss in the middle of Tom Mboya Street normally goes a long way!

Guys, how we expect our women to be loyal, loving and warm if we don’t take a moment out of our day, just a moment, to think about them and to appreciate them. We whine endlessly about the mothers of our children. We whine endlessly in the bar about how she’s making your life a living hell. Reality though is that, she is the glue in your life. Women expect to be talked to. They expect that if you have a bad day, you will tell them about it and not shut them out. Women expect that if they are having bad days, you will be there with an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on! The heart of a woman is a very delicate item. If she gives you her heart, then take good care of it. Treat her heart better than you treat your own. Treat the woman in your life like the queen that she is. Women are always looking for the “happy ever after” story. Happy ever does exist. She wants her happy ever after story to be with you. She married you knowing that she wanted to be the mother of your kids. She married you knowing that one day; she will grow old and grey with you. She will go to the lengths of this universe to make you happy. However, the man changes and wants time with his “boys”. The same boys who will introduce him to miscellaneous escapades and poison him with strip club visits! Guys, love doesn’t end when she says “I Love You!” Loving her doesn’t end the day she agrees to commit to you. Loving her on the contrary STARTS the day you commit to a relationship with her! Every day she awakes, she wants a new reason to Love you. She wants re-assurance that she made the right choice. She’d not mind sleeping on the streets as long as you are there to keep her warm when the chill sets in. A woman in Love with you will not mind if you were stranded in a remote island with no help in sight. As long as she has you by her side, she will make the best of these moments.

Perhaps what men seem to forget is that it’s never the grand gestures of Love that you show once in blue moon. It’s not the romantic trip you took with her to Tahiti 5 years ago that show the measure of your love. It is the small things that matter. It is the kiss you will generously plant on her lips when you meet. It is the lingering hug you give her, just to tell her she is still the one. It is the trip you take to her shagz in the middle of an El-Nino season just to visit her grandmother. Women Love with all their hearts. Let’s give a toast to the women in our lives. Tell her that you Love her. Tell her she is the one. Tell her she still makes your heart go “yodi yodi”…Tell her she still spins your world. Tell her she still is THE ONE! Send her some flowers today. After all, to quote a rather unlikely source “I Love You For Free and I’m Not Your Mother…”

Can’t Cook Like Our Mothers… Can Drink Like Our Fathers

“Them pantyhose aint gonna last too long
If the DJ puts Bon Jovi on
She might come home in a table cloth
Ya tequila makes her clothes fall off
She’ll start with kickin’ out of her shoes
Loose an earring in her drink
Leave her jacket in the bathroom stall
Drop a contact down the sink”
Nichols Joe -Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off
I have in the past been accused of being rather draconian in my thinking! I’ve been accused of being a man stranded in an ancient time with a tyrant mentality of our forefathers and a chauvinistic mind of pre-agrarian revolution male. This could not be further from the truth. To prove a female friend of mine wrong, I offered to meet up with her on Wednesday evening. Being a mid week, I assumed it’d be a coffee date. So I went armed with a killer smile and my A-Game charm! When we finally met, being the gentleman that I am, I asked what she’d take… “Vodka!” came the answer. Okay… So she wants to have one before hitting the road. That’s fine I thought to myself. I reached to my wallet-which has borne the brunt of the world economic melt down-and bought her the drink. I asked for coffee. Strong and Black. Just like me….

Three hours later and 6 doubles of Vodka later, she started telling me her life story. As she stammered and talked-sometimes in incomplete sentences- I couldn’t help but wonder what ever happened to the woman? What happened to the woman of old who wouldn’t even dare contemplate walking into a pub? I have no qualms about a woman drinking. None at all. God knows I’ve been on the receiving end of some freaky intoxicant induced you know what, but as I have come to find out, we are living in times that would make many senior chiefs of days gone by, turn with disgust in their graves! The questions that’s been on my mind since that day is… “What ever happened to Lady?” It looks like men never really factored the full impact of some Beijing Women’s conference once upon a time. Had we known the true repercussions, then we’d NEVER have entertained our women folk going on a lavish trip to Beijing!

Do not mistake me for discouraging women going out. That’s really upon them. But, I’d like to see a modern woman who still has some sense of traditional ideologies firmly engrained in her. I’m talking of the woman who doesn’t take Pilsner, but she’ll have a glass of Red Wine or Kingfisher. Not the woman who will buy chicken from Kenchic or Galitos, but the woman who will come home, chase around the chicken you brought from shagz over the weekend for an hour, grab the chicken, wring its neck and dip in hot water and two hours later, the aroma of the chicken is attracting the attention of neighbors. Will I be asking for too much, if I said I am looking for a woman who will not want to watch soccer with me…actually scrap that…a woman who cant stand the idea of enduring 90 minutes of men running around after a leather ball all in the name of entertainment. I’m looking for a woman who will watch some lousy Mexican or Nigerian soap and who would give me an evil eye should I dare insinuate that the plot is so obvious. I mean we all know that rich Rodriguez will always fall in love with dirt poor worker called Maria, but the family will always disapprove and instead they’ll want him to marry Barbara. Not forgetting that Rodriguez’s cousin Ramon will already be having an affair with Barbara, and Maria’s mother late mother it will be revealed, had an affair once with Rodriguez’s father and so chances are high that the same Maria-who Rodriguez is in love with-is the product of this rather curious liaison. I think I got that just right!

Somebody please tell me, when it became acceptable for me to walk into the house after a drunken binge at 11, open the gate for myself, and then stagger all the way to my room and sleep. Guys can tell you what is all wrong with this scenario. First, I did not call mama to TELL her to open the gate for me. Secondly, I went straight to sleep without anybody as much as offering me a hot meal. Thirdly, nobody was there to ask where I’ve been. Fourth, nobody asked me not to even dare think of getting “something something” tonight because God knows where I’ve been and worse still, I smell like I’ve been employed as the official taster of drinks at EABL! The reason this scenario is all wrong is because I had the audacity neigh naivety to encourage the so called “modern woman” to come into my life! Meaning, I walked in wasted at 11, she on the other hand wanted to stay on and have another drink or two at the bar, and she walked in at 2 am high as a kite! She drunk all my pals right under the table and tequila shots have nothing on her. I’m I missing something here? I’m I wrong in whining about this so called “independent woman?” My people…. My good people, the Swahili proverb says, “Ukiona mwenzako ananyolewa, pia chako tia maji!” for my global readers it means…”If you see your friend being shaved, then start pouring water on your head”-A lot is lost in translation! If this drama is happening to Raymond… then guys, start prepping yourself up for some tough times up ahead!

In my recent survey, whose results are contained in detail in my website-www.youstupididiot.fo.ol-I show the number of men undergoing this emotional abuse. The survey also details the number of men with “mpango wa Kando” and the reasons for the “Mpango Wa Kando”. I think as men, its time we stood up to what we believe in. Like Chris Rock, I believe in getting “the big piece of chicken”. Like Moi, I believe in having the Mrs out of site and silently catering for my every need and turning a blind eye to my transgressions. Like the late Kamangu, I believe I should be entitled to conjugal rights at all times, regardless of the current position of the Mrs or my current situations. Like my good friend Peter, I believe that the Mrs should not doze off before I get home. She should sleep with one eye open until I get home. Once I get home, just the slightest of knocks should awake her! Call me draconian. I refuse to change with the times. Today morning, I was in a matatu recklessly driven by a miraa chewing WOMAN. When I got to town, I was sold for a newspaper by a WOMAN and I’ve just been flashed by my househelp asking about water. Guess what? He is a MAN! Things have indeed fallen apart. Our women still cant cook like our MOTHERS used to, but they surely can drink like our FATHERS!

To Save Ringera SMS 1 to K.A.C.C (5222)

“You know I’ve seen a lot of what the world can do,
and it’s breaking my heart in two,
cause I never want to see you sad girl,
don’t be a bad girl,
but if you want to leave take good care,
hope you make a lot of nice friends out there,
but just remember there’s a lot of bad and beware,
beware,

Oh baby baby it’s a wild world,
it’s hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh baby baby it’s a wild world”

Maxi Priest- Wild World (Original version by Cat Stevens)

I believe a man called Ringera is a very sly chap! I’ve known few  men who exit just in the nick of time! Some say he should have called it quits earlier, but people, look at the reality here! This man waited till 30^th Of September to resign. He made sure that his hefty salary was in his account before quiting. Well played Sir! I couldn’t have timed it any better myself.

Whether he’d done a good job or not is besides the point here. Whether his re-appointment was in order is not the point I’m putting across either. Its that he was blowing 2.5M A MONTH for five years and now that he’s exited, he stands to be given a golden handshake of guess how much? KES 150M! YES… KENYAN CURRENCY not good old mad man Bob’s currency, but Kenya Shillings! Its got me thinking about something a good friend of mine since back in the day, was telling me recently. This guy has NEVER been DUMPED! He’s the one always doing the DUMPING! It got me thinking… Is this guy sane? How is it that he’s never been dumped? He knows not how to make a grand exit! He needs a lesson or two from the Maestro himself.

I know you are probably wondering what’s so good about being dumped. What is so sweet about being the one on the receiving end? Well my friend… a tried, tested and perfected technique-details which can be found on my site www.youstupididiot.fo.ol- demands of men to at all times be dumped. Be the “bad guy”! How does that benefit you? Well… the golden parachute makes the landing so sweet! This “Golden Parachute Technique” is the Holy Grail of grand exits. Being the kind man that I am, being the man whose generosity knows no bounds, I hereby stand to pour down my knowledge to all of you! Guys, have your pens and papers ready. Ladies, you might want to look away right about now!

What is flawed about my friend doing the dumping is that he crashed any chance that the mama will one day down the road give him a farewell gift! Now, this farewell gift always lasts for at the very least- 2 months only to be repeated every year. By you dumping the mama, she will never forgive you. She will see you as her tormentor. Women always want you try to be in the relationship. Guys, the day you give up on her, do not dare say, Its Over! Do not be the one to utter those words. Instead, I want you to empower her! Make her feel special. Let her be the one who “dumped” you. Push her buttons! If you’ve been going out long enough, you know what she hates. Make her feel like she could do better. Make her “hurt you!” The key here is she should be the one who called it quits. Make her feel that way. She should be the one telling her friends how glad she is she dumped you. Be patient. This may be hard for any proud man to tolerate, but dude, do not forget… A “Golden Parachute” awaits you in the not so distant future!

A wise man once said, “never give a woman an option you don’t want her to take, because she just might take that option” Guys, the golden Parachute technique as perfected by the maestro Ringera himself is to always remind her that she can leave you whenever “she Wants!” by this time, you are fed up with her! You’ve had enough of her and you keep pressing all her wrong buttons over and over again accompanied by the reminder that she can “leave whenever she wants!” At this point, the woman starts to long for that “whenever she wants”! The exit signs are written all over. You stop… pause and smile. Theirs light at the end of the tunnel!

Women are probably reading this wondering how they’d know if the man wants to pull a Ringera on her! Well, the signs will be written all over. Most of the times women are too blinded to see the signs… Simple signs include him suddenly discovering his Love for shagz. You know his visits to the bunduz are few and far between and suddenly, he is going “shagz” every weekend. Scrap that… On Friday evening without fail, he will up and go “shagz”! The reality is that all the while he is holed up either in his clande’s place or he is in his own digz watching some DVDs. All he did was get a series like “How I met Your Mother” Season 1,2,3 and 4. He knows he’s leaving his place on Monday morning. He’ll tell you he’s just fikad his place on Sunday at some weird hour like 10 pm. He no longer wants to spend time with you. Your presence causes him sheer agony. You know something is wrong, but you just don’t figure that he doesn’t want to be with you! This can go on for months on end and one day, you’ve had enough and you decide to leave him. Little do you know that he “left” the relationship once upon a time!

Guys, lets not be monsters. Lets not be the ones ALWAYS leaving the women. Let us empower our women. We are living in different times. The times we are living in call for equal opportunity. Lets give our women a chance to dump us. Lets give them the tools to up and leave us. It is only fair to do that. Kick up a storm and be the “good for nothing”! By doing this, you forever endear yourself to her. A wise man once said, “never bang a door on your way out, you never know when you will have to walk back in…” Always leave just enough room for a “golden parachute”. Yes, in the grand scheme of things, your morals will be ranked with those of an alley cat, but in her world, she’ll always be the one left! That sometimes is all that matters. Be the one who got hurt. Be the one who got the raw deal. Just like Ringera, when you are gone, people will ask what happened. They will want to know why it happened and if you did the best you could given the “circumstances”! They will treat you like a martyr. After our exit, the crowd public will be asked for its opinion. They will say “you were a good man…” You will play the sympathy card. For now, let me grab my phone and give respect to my role model. Ringera The Maestro himself. I want him back… I’m sending as many texts as my units can allow. To Save Ringera SMS 1 to K.A.C.C (5222).

NB:The views expressed above do not necessarily reflect the opinion of Raymond Chepkwony unless he stands to gain monetarily or he stands to get laid. For the SMS, terms and conditions apply-though I do not know them myself!

When curtains close.

“So you’re standin’ in the tunnel of eternal life
And you see the ones you never learned to love in life
Make the choice let it go and you can back it up
If you ain’t at peace with God you need to patch it up
But if you’re ready close your eyes and we can set it free
There lies a man not scared to die may he rest in peace
I still got to wonder why
I never seen a man cry
‘Till I seen that man die”

Scarface- Never Seen A Man Cry.

Accountants strongly believe that the only two things in life that are guaranteed are DEATH and TAXES. I stand different. I believe that life has more to offer than just death and taxes. I’ve lost someone dear to me. I have lost someone who I held very dear. Someone who stood by me as I went through turmoil. Someone, who was my reason for reason. I stand here, honored to have been a part of his life.

One day, I was walking around, minding my own business. Just being the man that I am. Two shots rent the air and next thing I knew, a man who moments before had dreams and ambitions, a man who had plans… was lying dead. Its not meant to be that way. Its just not meant to happen. Why is death so cruel and without warning. Why does it hurt those who are left behind. Why? Why? Why? Raymond has had one or two near death experiences. I have had a gun to my face. I’ve been shot at TWICE. Why then should it be scary, thinking about a world without ME? I have Loved. I have laughed. I have shed my tears. I have felt my pain. I have won. I have lost. I have dreams. I have realities. I have tattoos. I have scars. What I know as well, is that I have told my story. Told my story for all to read. My memories will not etched in all forever. I do not ask for that. I ask that when I’m gone, my boys can sit, have drink and for one session on a Saturday afternoon, they will think of my good, my bad and my ugly! They’ll have a cold White Cap and hepa with the bill. They will flirt with the waitress. They will kula some fry with lots of chilli and Ugali. For one afternoon, I will ask that my friends and those to whom I mattered, just sit down and laugh. Have a huge laugh for the lion has taken a bow and given his last big roar!

I consider myself a very lucky man to have had unbound Love. If God took me away today, I would stand up and give him a big Thank You for everything I have in my life. More so, the people I have in my life. I think about the conversation and I know it will not be awkward. For sure I know I will be appointed to run the magazine “Divine Monthly” up in heaven.  I know I will have a chat with my good friend JC and we will trade stories of Love and betrayal. Trade stories of how we went out of the world… I therefore wonder, why do we have this overwhelming fear of death? Or is it a fear of the unknown?  Is it the fear of leaving those we love behind? Or do you wonder if in heaven they don’t have Khaki trousers but plain white robes!

Regrets I have many… “What ifs…” I have those too. I am however trying to make amends. I should’ve taken more risks in my life. I should have been more audacious. More vibrant. Many are the times I have settled for what was available. Looking back, I think I lived by a creed- A bird in hand is worth two in the bush! I admit, I haven’t always treated those who loved me right. I cant do anything about that now. With hindsight, maybe, just maybe I should have done one or two things differently. Maybe I should have spoken out more! Maybe I should have been bolder. I probably should never have left BSK. I also have many “What ifs…” Should I have fought with that dude on the weekend? Probably not-He was bigger and we know these young chaps nowadays carry all manner of crude weapons. Should I have fought for someone I loved? YES! But, I did NOT! What If I’d fought for her? Would I be married? YES. Would I be happy? I doubt it. What if I’d taken that offer… What if I’d said Hi that day… What If I’d not gotten stoned that Friday, would I have gotten laid? What If I’d asked her friend out first?… So many what ifs… Such few answers!

The one possibility we do not dare imagine is HADES! I have thought about that as well. Have I sinned so much that I should be tossed into a burning eternity without some Dasani to quench my thirst? NO! I have atoned for my sins-Most of them anyway! When my name is called on the pearly gates, I know I will not be denied entry. I will not be going to Michael Jackson’s wing-Lets face, that dude has a special place reserved for him in hell and besides, we all know he didn’t like black men-I know I will be up there with the likes of Pope John Paul 2, I will be alongside Garang and Jaramogi Odinga. I’ll have a chat with Kenyatta and tell him I voted for his son in 2002. I will e-mail Tom Mboya and cc Reagan. I will bring them up to speed with whats been happening while they’ve been away. Heaven waits for me. I’ll carry my laptop and Safaricom Modem- Fibre is also connected in heaven-so that I can be on Heavenbook chat with David and Elijah. I’ll do my first blog post on Samson and Delilah. I know guys like Solomon will be eager to comment. I know the bevy of beauties that await me will be angry that I’m disturbing the peace In heaven, but the wise David will talk to them and convince them to see the humor in their ways!  There’s my pal Anthony Janai… I’m sure he’ll be there to talk about the good old changerian ways! I’ll pass through his digz for some poizo and murram!

When my time comes-and surely will- I hope and pray, that I will have touched the lives and hearts of many. I want no tears. I want no wailing. I just want sounds of laughter. Sounds of joy. That’s Raymond’s wish. WHAT IS YOURS??

The Supa Ongea Conspiracy!

“Niko na,

Niko na,

Niko na Safaricom…”

Safaricom Advert

For sometime now, I have been wondering why it’s almost an impossibility to meet a SINGLE woman. For the last odd years I have scoured the depths and heights of our world looking for the so ever elusive SINGLE woman. My dear brethren, I hold my head low… I stand before you a defeated man for I have found none. I am yet to meet a woman, over the age of 18 who stands and says I AM SINGLE! The good news however, is that I have been to demystify why this is so. I’ve seen many a woman ravaged by the agonies of love, torn apart by the ever present “other woman”… I have seen many a woman with that forlorn look in her eye… that look of utter despair. The look of a broken heart. As I walked up and down… walked with my bare feet across lands long forgotten by man, walked across breathtaking terrains, across lands whose clocks stood still. Walked across cities whose clocks were ahead of time… I have drawn my most, my most audacious, my most extravagant conclusion yet. THE WORLD HAS NOT A SINGLE, SINGLE WOMAN!

Theirs something that’s proving a bit of a rage in the cell phone market… It’s called the Supa Ongea Tariff! Now, I mean no offence to the good folks over at Safaricom, but let’s just face the reality here people. This tariff was probably thought of and executed by a woman. How is it that in my living area-I’m modern like that- my call rates are 8 bob per minute? When my oh so lovely girlfriend is around, she’s on 80 cents per minute in the living room. When I go to the kitchen, my phone now switches to 80 cents per minute and when she joins me in the kitchen, her phone goes to 8 bob per minute! Guys, I hate to be the one to advance conspiracy theories, but I’m I the only one who sees a ploy in all this??? It gets trickier when my girlfriend is alone at my place. She’s on 80 cents everywhere. When I come in, things change, I’m on 80 cents ONLY in the kitchen and in the shower. This has led to calls being made in awkward places and the phone has been very involved in stuff I dare not reveal! All in the name of Supa Ongea! Now, I know you probably think I have digressed… but I have NOT! This Supa Ongea tariff is the very existence of a woman. This is a tariff that in no vague words expresses how a woman is never SINGLE!

Guys, let me ask you a question… Are you in a relationship? My point here is, 85% of men-over the age of 21-have been found to be in relationships they didn’t even know about! I kid you not. In my endeavors across the planet, I conducted a thorough scientific study-whose findings as always are found in the site, www.youstupididiot.fo.ol. In my study, I unmasked the myth behind the relationship question. A guy will never really say he is in a relationship because he does not know when the relationship started. Does the relationship start the first day he kissed you? Probably not. Does it start the first day you had sex? Probably not… to a guy, a relationship probably doesn’t start until the day he realizes that he needs to LIE to you about his whereabouts! That’s when he knows he is in big trouble. That’s when he knows he is in a relationship. To a woman, a relationship starts the first day you said Hi… or the first day you went out… or the first day you held her hand. In short, a woman’s relationship cycle never really ends! Now, how do all what I’ve said so far link up?? Be patient people, I tell no tales here. Just the plain old FACTS! Read on…

This Supa Ongea Tariff thing is very much like a woman’s relationship cycle. SERIOUSLY! The guy was comfortably enjoying his peace on his regular Ongea Tariff. In short, the man thought it was just about SEX… Now a woman comes by, and as far as she is concerned, what you have going on is a fully fledged relationship. The guy has no clue. In short, the woman here is on Supa Ongea Tariff. See, the first time you went out, she was on Supa Ongea YES, but she was on 8 bob per minute. Now, you’ve been thinking that you are just “friends with added extra special benefits”, but ALAS, you discover that the tariff changed and you are now on 6 bob per minute. By this time, the mama is now enjoying rates of 3 bob per minute. Shortly, without your knowledge, and without much in terms of warning, you suddenly find yourself on 80 cents per minute. This is not even of your choosing. You had no idea that your “call rates” changed and soon, you realize that you are in a relationship. Brother, what you didn’t know is that the mama has been on 80 cents the last 5 months! And so your world is shattered by your new found reality. YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP! You are so on Supa Ongea dude.

As I was compiling the data, I made one conclusion that rings true across both men and women… that even though both men and women may not be on the same page-actually try book category-when it comes to the start of a relationship, they are on the same paragraph as involves the END of a relationship. Thank heavens for small luxuries. Guys, who say they are single, really have no idea. They are clueless. They are probably in a relationship with like 4 mamas and they don’t know it. One mama is on 6 bob, another is on 3 bob, another is 2 bob and even though he’s got no clue, theirs another on 80 cents. Poor chap still thinks he’s on 8 bob. He maybe even has it in his mind that one is on a different NETWORK!

Guys, I ask that we hold a demonstration. We demand to be de linked from relationships we didn’t know to be part of. For there are guys who are locked on to 80 cents per minute, I ask you to stay strong. Keep at it my friends. Fight the good fight and if you want someone to give warning to the others, I am on it. I am going up all mountains warning all Supa Ongea ignorant villagers. I proclaim the good word to all men. Stick to your Ongea, but do not be blind to the fact that there is a Supa Ongea. It’s taking over… If you can ward it off… then fight till you are the last one standing. I know a time will come when I will have to give in. but until that day, I fight.

My phone is ringing… How will I deal with this?? I’m STILL ON 8 BOB!!!!