Finger Licking Good

“so will the real shady please stand up
and put one of those fingers on each hand up
and be proud to be outta your mind and outta control
and one more time, loud as you can, how's it go? ..........”
 
Real Slim Shady- Eminem.

Before

Question- If you were to meet Arunga today and you were allowed to field just one question…what would you ask? Well… Raymond has been keenly following events in her life and I know the exact question I will ask her… Simple really… I would look deep into her eyes and in a soft and rather pleading voice I would ask…”Who is your DEALER?” Let’s face it, she needs to pass round whatever she’s smoking to the rest of us who are stuck smoking the bad stuff! She needs to stop hoarding and hiding it from the rest of us. Whatever she’s on must be imported from Colombia.

One Happy Family??

I’m still trying to wrap my head round what she is thinking if she’s thinking at all! On Friday, I chose to forego my drink and parked myself on the couch and turned on the Tv and watched…and got shocked. Immediately after her interview, my allergies kicked in big time. I am after all allergic to stupidity and I’d just received a 30 minute over doze of it! I thought I was hallucinating, so I assembled a team together to do a minute by minute, blow by blow analysis of the saga that’s fast unfolding.

Whenever I need to assemble a team really fast, I just get the most twisted group of people I know-lawyers of course-and this time they did not let me down. They’ve published their opinions on www.hellonmagicfinger.co.ke . Let’s break this down nice and easy… first, she breaks up with her SECOND fiancée. Before that dust has settled, she’s quit her job. Blame it on heartbreak…but before we know it, she has a boyfriend-some bleached DRC thug no less. A friend of mine told me that Religion is “the opium of the masses”. With what’s unfolding, that statement holds true.

I’ve started a lobby group. I am now demanding that the station that aired Arunga’s interview should run a ticker and replace “The views expressed here do not necessarily represent the view of…” and this should IMMEDIATELY and urgently be replaced by “Objects appearing on your TV screen are actually as daft as they appear to be”! She is a classic case of a good girl gone nuts! There are many guys out there for whom the news is sacred. Its Vaseline time. Guys, stop pretending like you don’t know what I mean. You imagining that her voice was whispering un imaginables to you. And what really cut her above the rest was the perception of this down to earth, cool and collected LADY! Little did we know that she had a screw on that is a bit too tight!

Nowadays, a church is a brand. It is the brand that rakes in money. We’ve got people going by names of Bishops, Pastors, Preachers, Annointed Brothers, Apostles… you name it, they exist. The names of churches are just as diverse. Hellicopter, Jesus Is Alive, Wapi Nduru and the one in question… Finger! The name is as bizarre as the church itself. People, what on earth would lead you to a church called FGM, led by a self proclaimed “jazz maestro” who has a rather weird name-HELLON is weird-and has its church grounds in an up market hood, and is known more for its jazz nights than its preachings! I’d have to be absolutely bonkers from the start to go there! I am all for the advancement of religion, but when you put all things together, then something is horribly amiss. When they were arrested yesterday, I wondered why they were being taken to Muthaiga cop station. The first stop should’ve been at the mental institution right across from the police station. Mathari Mental is the ideal location for them to start the process of re-entering society.

On to this bleached DRC thug! Somehow, he is “connected” to Benny Hinn. Somehow Arunga is now in Love with him. Is the timeline making sense to anybody? Can someone please break it down for me in a language I can understand because I had the good fortune of not studying “IDIOT” as foreign language! The dude is said to Kenyan, shortly he is from South Africa…I think he’s from the planet of the apes! This is said to be the one “anointed” specifically for Arunga and she has said she Loves him. My dear Arunga… we are all adults here. Don’t feed us crap and expect us to take your word for it! Tell it as is really is. The “church” told you to break your engagement off and be with this Quincy fellow and leave a good man heartbroken and the rest of us Kenyans in a spin! If I were Wilson, I’d have lawyers-not the Finger of god” type-all up your butt taking you for every single penny that you say your former employer did not pay!

I have this feeling that things are about to get interesting. When I heard of this finger church-yeah, that name still makes me laugh- I was surprised at how flexible they were with their laws. If they have a flexible alcohol policy, then I get the feeling they’ll have a flexible marriage policy as well. I think you’ll hear shortly hear that Arunga is now married to Quincy…and before you know it, the marriage policy will be “amended” making it more flexible… Hellon will probably orchestrate a divorce of sorts and then marry Arunga and before you know it…they are all one kinky family living under the same roof! Actually, that doesn’t so bad…but I resist the temptation to join in that twisted parade! I have standards too you know!

We all have our faults. Raymond has his faults-actually many many many faults-but… I don’t have interesting Arunga type faults. And I am not the object of fascination from teenage boys, seventy years old men and everyone in between- actually, I have received some gay mail but that is a story for another day-and I am not a public figure. What makes this such a huge story is actually the Television interview she gave. She sunk herself to a new low. She did this to herself. She spun this out of control. My solution her woes as concerned Kenyan are fairly simple… lets just do what our forefathers would have done… SMACK THE HELLon OUT OF HER!

As for her “facts”… well she is so jaded that she missed a small fact.. Bongo whom she quoted as having recently been elected head of the Freemason Lodges in Africa…well Sweetie.. He is DEAD! The site that you told us to check out? Well, theirs nothing in the history section that leads us to Kenya! I’m guessing if a church member reads this, she’ll go off the roof and say that this blog is part of a “smear” campaign by freemasons to discredit her political ambitions! I’m also guessing that the pink elephants going round her head are telling her she’ll be Vice President. I hope the elephants are voters too because she is seeing a whole lot many of them!

Finally, I say we need to give this FGM church a FINGER. Not the thumb-they’ve not done anything right. Not the index-they aren’t contesting for president under KANU- Not the ring finger-they’ve shown scant respect for Love- not the little finger either-that’ll not tickle Arunga as good as a sax does- I suggest we all stand up and we show them the finger we show when we mean to say… “We just don’t give a HOOT”!

P.S- If you know Arunga’s dealer, please holla. Don’t be mean. We all would like to have a moment in this Utopia!

Breaking News- Hellon is to be awarded a nobel prize for physics for his brainwashing machine.

Arunga- Before you ask… “No! I’m not a freemason!”

John Terry Situations And The Bro Code Violation!

The Bro Code, Strong And Links Us ALL BROS

“(Here she comes again)
When she’s dancing ‘neath the starry sky
Oo, she’ll make you flip
(Here she comes again)
When she’s dancing ‘neath the starry sky
I kinda like the way she dips
Well she’s my best friend’s girl
She’s my best friend’s girl
But she used to be mine”

My Best Friend’s Girlfriend- The Cars

The other day I decided to hang out with a good friend of mine. He is a chilled out long time pal of mine and we started chatting about soccer. The big soccer story of late has been the John Terry “situation”. The reason this is perhaps huge is not because he had a “dish on the side”… I guess all men young and old have the “dish on the side”. The problem here though is that his “dish on the side” was the girlfriend of his team mate and even worse… she was a girlfriend of his homeboy… his team mate… his pal! It’s his violation of the time honored “bro code” that has made him the subject of so much scorn! Men are outraged and rightfully so!

What is this “bro code” that John Terry violated? Where is it written that a man shall not graze his cattle on the other side of the fence? Why does it matter where a man grazes his cattle anyway? People… Raymond did what he does best. He established a group of guys to explain the bro code and why John Terry did a great injustice to all men.  The full findings of the report aptly title “Bro Code- The Tablet” is to be found exclusively on the site www.sticktoyourfence.ke.net

What exactly is this “Bro Code”? My team of eminent and twisted personalities came up with a few guidelines just keep all men in check.

1-      Neighbor’s Fence

Thou Shall Not graze your cattle on the other side of the fence. Luscious and soft as the grass may look, dry and over grazed as yours may look…thou shall in no way graze your cattle in your neighbor’s fence! Let’s face it, some cattle are meant to be thin, others are meant to be huge…they shall never look the same. People, if in the neighborhood all kids look alike and even have a trademark birthmark, then there exists a “John Terry Situation” and a “Bro Code” violation. A man is allowed to leave his dry patch of over grazed and go to places afar in search of virgin pastures, but you are under no circumstances allowed to graze within shouting distance!

2-      Brother In Arms

The “John Terry situation” involved a team mate. It did not just involve a friend, but it also involved a colleague at work as it may have been. I dare site a “Bro Code” violation here. It is a violation most foul to go into battle with a comrade and as you are in the frontline, your comrade pretends to be manning his post and leaves the battle field to go and keep company your heart’s flame. A violation was recently reported where a man waited until his colleague was in a training session in Moyale and he decided to make himself comfortable. This violation is most commonly reported amongst the police force and amongst accountants. Amongst the police because of the close living quarters they are forced to live in and amongst accountants because of their love of working until un-godly hours. Marketers and sales people have been reported to be the most flagrant abusers of accountants’ homes. These violations have been noted and the “Bro Code Committee” is acting on numerous reports that have been received!

3-      Blood Is Thicker

It is a widely recognized that the “Bro Code” covers all family members. It should be noted that the “Bro Code” policy extends to family. A friend’s sister and lets face it some mum’s are totally and completely OFF LIMITS! Guys, lets honor the code. Let us not cross lines. These visits to a dudes home and excuses like “I’ll wait for him” are just no good. A bro’s cousin is well.. fair game… However, an immediate family member is off limits. Please note as well that this includes brothers-for those of you who swing that way!

Their have been many misconceptions as to exactly how far the “Bro Code” extends. Common misconceptions I hereby choose to put right is that the “Bro Code” does NOT cover the following…

1-      Alternative Pastures

A common question is whether the “Bro Code” as stipulated in the lost tablet covers a guy’s “clande”. For starters, let me say that if the “Bro Code” covered clandez then guys would never have clandez in the first place. For the well being and sanity of all men…I hereby state that as expressly stipulated in the “Bro Code” chapter 2 section 1, subsection 3, the “Bro Code” does not extend to alternative sources of pleasure UNLESS a bro is about to take up this alternative source as a wife, either as a second wife or as otherwise provided for in Section 69 of the “Bro Code”. Nuff said.

2- Once Upon A Time

The “Bro Code” puts a time limit in which one it applies. Now, if relations between a a bro and a lady are said to have ceased over twelve (12) years ago, then it is considered that starting up relations will not be a violation of the code. After the expiry of twelve years, a bro is allowed to plough a field once ploughed by his bro either as his main grazing ground but preferably as his alternative source of pasture. The Code further stipulates that the bro of twelve years back shall be barred from ploughing the same field as he forfeited his rights to the said pastures! In short, you can’t share a clande if the clande happens to be your ex! If you need more insight visit www.mjingahata2010.info.ke

2-      The Working Relationship

The “Bro Code Committee” has received many complaints about bros who shag other bro’s employees! Now, after having carefully considered this weighty matter, it has been ruled that the “Bro Code” does not extend to working relations between a man and a woman. What do I mean? Raymond will not be in violation of the code if I happen to say shag my friends House help… or if I happen to shag my pal’s employee or even colleague. This also extends to those who engage in “Pay As You Go” system. If a bro sleeps with a mama and then pays her, I will not be violating any sections of “Bro Code” if I choose to pay and shag the same mama. This is a policy meant to uphold the sanctity of business transactions. Just because we buy paint in the same shop and we insist on paying a premium for Duracoat Extra does not mean that I am copying your style. If anything, it means that as true brethren, we share a similar liking and willing to pay extra instead of “Doing It Yourself”!

3-      Hit and Run

If a bro performed a hit and run more than six (6) months ago, then you fiddling where your fellow bro had fiddled does not and will in future not constitute a violation of the “Bro Code”. However, it will be considered a gross violation of this sacred code should the bro who performed a “Hit and Run” more than six(6)m months ago choose to perform another “Hit and Run” with full knowledge that his bro is already constantly hitting it! It happened in the past so let it be. Fine she looks hotter on another man’s arm but…she is still the same one from six months ago and it is of absolutely no use to hit that again. Keep off. You had your chance, you took it and well…you stayed away! Tough break bro.

Finally.. for those still wondering exactly what the “Bro Code” really is… it is that law that is engraved deep in the cabinets of our minds. The code that transcends all other laws that you may abide by. It is that law that code you think about when you wake up in the morning and look to your side and say… “Oh crap… what have I done and with whom have I done it with!”. It is that code that unites bros… the code that is never spoken of except in low hushed tones. The code that is sealed with a firm handshake. The code that says “You are my brother from another mother”. THAT IS THE CODE.

P.S- It is with good reason that a “sistaz code” does not exist. If I’m with a mama and her friend wants to join in, then hey… the more the very merrier!

Of ATMs, Women and Irrelevant Questions

“Don’t speak
I know just what you’re saying
So please stop explaining
Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts
Don’t speak
I know what you’re thinking
I don’t need your reasons
Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts”

No Doubt- Don’t Speak

My local pub has been a source of great inspiration, great hangovers and great anguish! The problem with the local is that they always seem to tempt you to have that “one more”. Being in and around the hood, and extension of much needed credit facilities, the local is a big favorite for many! The other day I decided to pop in and say hello to the peeps. After the three white caps, I felt like a man who owned the world… Six White Caps later, I got the feeling that I really didn’t give a darn who owned the world! I couldn’t care less. My wise, white cap propelled mind now told me to dash to the ATM and make a quick withdrawal. It is during one’s rather drunken nature, that you feel really sharp. I can forget my own name, forget where I live, but somehow, my ATM Pin number is something I never forget. I keyed in the correct PIN and got the window showing options available to me. A rather peculiar option was availed to me. “Balance Inquiry”! I wondered why on earth this machine was asking me questions I really didn’t want answered! So, I did not bother to enquire how much I really didn’t have in my Account and withdrew just enough for me to have another few of my favorite liquid. As I staggered home, it occurred to me that women are a lot like that ATM machine… Key in the right PIN and you’ll make a withdrawal. The options available really depend on the investment already put in… Then, the QUESTIONS!

Why is it that women have the most irrelevant questions which for one, you really don’t feel like answering, two, the questions don’t have a right or wrong answer and three, if you answer truthfully it comes out as a lie, and if you lie, it comes out as gospel truth! I always ask myself, do women REALY want to know the answers to some of the questions they ask? Exactly what’s going on in their minds as they ask these questions?? Can someone please give me a detailed guide of which questions are rhetoric, which questions are to be answered honestly, and which ones should I just tell outright lies about! Guys, being the generous person that I am… I assembled a team of experts to make sense of the questions women have been asking since time in memorial. For years, the answers have been elusive. Now.. I present to you, the listing of questions you are most likely to be asked and most importantly, the APPROPRIATE answers you should give. Details of my committee of experts can be found as ever in my website www.kweliwewenifala.co.ke.

1- Who Is That?

Have you ever been within the company of a drop dead gorgeous mama, only for your better to show up? Theirs that joke you normally save for “special occasions” and today, you decided was a “special occasion” so you told this beauty standing in front of you, the number 1 joke you have in yourself. As she’s laughing whole heartedly, her arm on your shoulder, her eyes on yours… that’s the time the better half decides to make an appearance. You don’t notice her until she’s right next to you. Of course you introduce her, and then you say goodbye to the gorgeous mama you were with and take off with the better half. Barely thirty seconds later, the question will certainly and surely be asked… “Who is that?” brother, the truth is…the mama is probably your colleague or your neighbor. You’ve got her number but you know she’s way out of your league. You’ve accepted that you are friends. Period. Only a half brained, good for nothing dude will have the courage to say the truth! The lie that you should give at ALL TIMES should be something along the lines of “that’s a mama who has had a thing for me since last year. I’ve told her I am with someone I well and truly Love. Its great you met her today so that she can know for sure that I can only be with you”! Memorise those words until you can say them in your sleep. They will ultimately be your “escape lines”

2- Who Were You With?

A story is told of how a mama didn’t go home to the husband one night. The following day, she shows up at around 10:00 am and the husband asks where she was. Not satisfied with the answer from his Mrs, he calls ten of her closest friends. NONE of them say that they were with her. They basically all let her hang out to dry! A few weeks later, the husband this time, pulls an all nighter with a clande. When he gets home, the wife is fuming and is going insane. He gives some story and the wife not satisfied with the answer, call his ten closest friends. Of the ten, EIGHT say they were with him and he slept on their couches. TWO have the audacity to say “He is still here, but he’s blacked out on my couch!”.

Moral of my story? Guys will always stand up for each other. We may have issues with keeping our story straight, but we stand up for each other. Always be sure to tell at least TWO dudes that you will be a ghost visitor in their couch that night. NEVER ever in your sane mind say exactly who you were with and who whoever you were with, were with! You may just be blowing someone’s cover. Maybe the dude is meant to be in Moyale and he’s parambulating around with a spanky 23 year old with moves like a gymnast and morals of an alley cat!

3- What are you doing?

Studies reveal that this question will be asked time and time again until you feel pulling your hair out. The best policy here… HONESTY. Tell the gospel truth of what you are doing. Bore her half to death and back with irrelevant and minute details of otherwise drab life. Example, if mama calls you and you are in traffic. Please spare no detail. Go on in great lenghth about the twenty white Toyotas infront of you, the blue Volkswagen, and the overzealous traffic cop. Next time she calls and you are watching a guy kind of movie… something with lots of blood, do not hesitate to give her all the gory details. Make her regret the reason she bothered to call. If you are in a bar, discourage her from coming to wherever you may be. Complain about the quality of service, the taste of the beer, the smoke filled room. Obviously you shouldn’t mention the small detail that you are helping women earn a living by watching them hang from poles! Anything else, is fair game. This irrelevant question will never be asked again!

4- Where is this relationship going?

Handle this question with utmost care! If you plan on getting laid, do not speak what first comes to mind. A man faced with this question is normally tempted to blurt out… “To bed for starters…” All women at some point ask this question. Whether she’s a clande or your main mama, she will ask the question “where is this relationship going?” This probably qualifies as the most annoying questions a man can ever be asked. If I say “This relationship is going nowhere… and I like it as it is”, then trust me, your sorry behind will be lit on fire and thrown off the roof of a building! If you say “I don’t know..” that only raises even more questions. The best possible answer a man can give, as crafted by our team of experts is… “This relationship is going where you want it to go, but I see a future ahead for us!”. Be as vague as possible about this so called future you refer to. Do not give any specifics. Do not give false hopes as well. Don’t make the mistake of telling her that you think the relationship is “headed down the aisle”. She will take that statement and interpret it to mean you are engaged. She will tell her friends about this new development and next thing you know, her clan is on the way to meet your people with a list of demands and a dowry payment schedule!

5- Do I look Good In This/ Do I Look Fat/ How Do You Like My Hairdo?

These questions are grouped together for good reason. They all relate to the looks department. Surely, guys, you must know by now that any negative comment about her age, weight or hair directly translates to certain rights being denied. If scientists are teaching chickens how to cross a road, then surely, you must have it figured that that a negative comment will only lead to morbid fixations from her directed your way. This is where you answer using two simple words. “YES DEAR!” Do I Look Good In This? YES DEAR! Do You Like My Hairdo? YES DEAR! Do I Look Fat? YES DEAR- and you are gone! Use your senses! Such questions should be answered accompanied by a certain look. Give her the look that says you are memorizing her body for ten year stint in prison.

A man’s mind however, can’t possibly process all the right answers to the many variations of the questions we are likely to be faced with. We for example can’t answer a question like… “Who was that I heard on the phone when I called to ask you where you were? If this relationship is going anywhere, then I want to know who she was and you think she’s better-read prettier- than me!” Faced with such a combination of questions, I suggest you DO NOT ANSWER! Anything you say WILL be used against you! Play dumb my friend. It’s your only hope! It is like my ATM machine asking me if I’d like to make a withdrawal, my balance thereafter and a follow through SMS! All I dare answer when faced with this tough choices, is press ENTER until my money comes out, tear apart the transaction slip and walk away. Like ATMs, women will always have questions with no answers relevant to man!

What shag have you had today??

“The beats of my heart so fast
His finger tips meet my lips
And the tips on my fingers make me flip
Am maybe I was losing my mind
To yet another loose mind
That expected I spread thighs
With my thighs on spreads
Unfortunately he had to jerk off
And off the jerk went
Remembering his heydays
Days spent on hay”

Elle Ce Ce Nabs – www.myheartscripted.blogspot.com

A friend of mine recently told me that my mind is 99% occupied with thoughts of sex, and 1% of my brain engages in activities that fall in the “others” category. Well, she’s probably RIGHT! The unfortunate part however, is that if Steadman were to do a quick poll, I’d probably be in the percentage that thinks about sex the least. Majority of men have sex on their minds 99.896325% of the time-For details, please visit www.youstupididiot.fo.ol. Now ladies, you probably wonder how exactly a man’s mind can be so pre-occupied with that  and everything else seems to be downgraded to second place. A man’s mind is simple… Show him something that can get him laid, and he will go to the furthest corners of the universe to get it! You doubt me???

They say women use sex to get Love, men however use Love to get sex. It’s a vicious cycle! It’s a cycle that is not about to be broken anytime soon. There are many WAYS of having sex. Some make for interesting reading, some make for wonderful reading and some make for Oh My Goodness” kind of reading. And just for the record, let me state that like hell I’m I letting anyone insert any manner of objects in my ass just because some book said it is stimulating! Back to the matter at hand… I wonder if ladies ever give a second thought to the type of sex that they are getting. Is it the quality, or is it the quantity? Is it the time spent having sex, or is it the times spent not having sex that matters. Ladies, I am here to give you a free lesson on the types of sex a man can have with you! Guys, I’m sorry to let the cat out of the bag, but lets face it, at some point they will get to figure it out!

The Wham-Bam-Thank-You-Ma’am!

Ladies, has a man ever had sex with you, promised to call you and all that crap and that was the last time you ever heard from him? He even said he moved house, said he got a job out of the country, or the infamous… “I lost my phone and I didn’t have your number”! Well my dear, do not be offended. It’s simple really, you were a one night stand. He had no intention of seeing you ever again. Not for lunch, not for a drink, not even for coffee. Do not even pop into his place of work just because you were in the neighborhood and wanted to say “Hi”! Accept this fact and you’ll live happily ever after. On the plus side, he probably gave you all he had… he went all out experimenting on stuff you never thought possible..he probably twisted and turned you inside out! You were his experiment so that he can go and try it out at HOME! I’m sure he got all kinky and no man will reach the high he gave you. So DEAL WITH IT!

The Sympathy Shag!

Ladies, did the man tell you a sob story? Has he recently been dumped by hi s long term girlfriend? Has he recently lost his job? I can’t understand how sob stories get a man laid, but they JUST DO! Women have this urge to be the “comforter”. Women have this inbuilt system to show sympathy to anyone that deserves it! All a man has to do is to be on the brink of total and utter destruction and he’ll get laid over and over again! What gets me laughing is when a man who has recently “lost” every penny he had in a pyramid scheme, is buying the mama drinks in an up market bar! Once he spots his prey, all a man has to do is look forlorn, have that lost look in his eye. A handkerchief will come in handy to wipe away “tears” when he is overcome by emotions. Once a mama starts listening to his cock and bull story, she is on her way to giving the man a sympathy shag! Come morning, he will kick you out-A job interview is always a good excuse-and you will never hear from him again! Long live the sympathy shag!

The Pity Shag

What is it with ladies that keeps drawing them back to the ex? I just don’t get it! For some reason, ladies think that to mend a relationship with the ex, a sad story of loosing your distant cousin will do! Now, a man being a creature of habit, will be there for you. He will hold you, let you cry on his shoulder! Everything will feel perfect! Then he will go on to give the best sex you ever had! The following day, the mama will assume that the relationship is back on track. That is until she spots the G-String in the man’s shower and the pair of heels on the shoe rack. Unless the dude has always been gay and you were just too blind to see it, then the painful truth is that the lucky chap just gave you a pity shag! Sad, but TRUE!

The I’d Rather Jerk Off Shag

When you’ve been in a relationship for sometime, well…the sex kinda becomes boring. It’s just a fact of life that every so often, the man will just not feel like shagging you. He knows kesho being Saturday, is clande time. Here you are on Friday demanding for some conjugal rights. The jamaa doesn’t want to make you suspicious as to why he doesn’t want to have sex with you. So he simply gives you a quick one. The shag that’s over even before he’s started. The obvious excuse will always be, “it’s been a long week/day… “ or he will just shrug it off and blame the coffee for his lack of mood. Ladies, men will always want sex. If he doesn’t, then he’s got a dish on the side who is serving up some life altering dishes! If this has happened to you girls, know that your sweetheart, either had sex earlier o is planning to have sex later. JUST NOT WITH YOU! For now, he’d honestly rather jerk off than have sex you!

The Quickie

In a recent survey conducted by my world famous poll masters, 99.238% of men were found to have had “quickies”! This is NEVER with the wife or girlfriend. This is reserved for someone you just met and so it is done at the back of the car, or with the colleague at work late in the evening and you are all alone in the office. This type of shag me likes. It’s like doing something on a hunch! Your gut instincts say go for it. On your bosses chair now! Quick… do not even pretend that this is twisted. It’s been known to happen. Dumb asses have been known to forget security cameras and get fired! Let’s not forget the days in college when you hooked up with a mama after class. It was her way of saying thank you for letting her dub from you!

The Nimeomba Miaka Mingi Sex

Ladies, you flirt with someone for years on end and you’ve never dropped those ngothas for him. One day, you decide to give it to him… at the back of your mind you are probably thinking that it’s the start of something beautiful. That it’s the start of a new chapter. To the jamaa…this is a reward for all the years of work and effort he’s put towards luring you. Today, he plans to get laid all night. No coffee breaks, no water breaks… the guy plans to take out all the years of wishing, wanting and lusting in one night! You will sleep at 3 am and wake up at 6 am and you are back at it again! Just before you leave, he will give you a goodbye shag… the best night of your life is what it is! Do not go assuming that now you have a thing going on! Hapana! You’ve traumatized him for years, you’ve been playing hard to get for years and finally he had you ngothas off and you think it’s a relationship? Now it’s your turn to do the running girlfriend. The guy feels he now has the upper hand and he will treat you as you treated him for dog gone years.

Cougar Sex

Guys always have an attraction towards an older and “more experienced” woman. Guys will always want to hit it with the older mama. Just to measure themselves. They will do it over and over again. It’s just a man’s way of exploring what the older woman has to offer. Older mamas will always have some freaky part in themselves. The cougar is downright nasty. She’s got whips, chains, lashes… handcuffs. She’s the successful mama every man would love to get with! When she gets her “toy-boy”, she doesn’t dare hold back! She goes all out freaky! The cougar should never think she’s in a relationship! This is just a young exploring the so called outer limits. After a week or two, he will get tired and go back to the usual under 18-just buy them airtime-and will quickly forget you.

Not to say my list is exhaustive, but I just want ladies to accept the humble fact that SEX does not mean a relationship. Take it as it is and hard as it may be, do not make anything out of it unless it is specifically stated and in advance! Whoever said money makes the world go round was dead wrong! It is SEX that makes the world go round!

PS- This blog advocates for safe sex practices and NO you DIMWIT, that doesn’t mean you have sex in a police station!

For The She Who Counts To He.

“Why don’t you stay the evening
Kick back and watch the TV
And Ill fix a little something to eat
Oh I know your back hurts from working on the tractor
How do you take your coffee my sweet
I will raise the children if you pay all the bills

Where is my john Wayne
Where is my prairie son
Where is my happy ending
Where have all the cowboys gone”

Paula Cole- Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?

I love my Local Pub. It is here that I get to hear of great tales and legends. Sunday afternoon proved no different. As always I sat with “the boys” at a corner discussing this and that! Twas more like whiling the Sunday afternoon away! They say there is always calm before a big storm. And sure enough, the storm came! The wife of one of the boys walked in, fuming and with two babies in tow! Obviously we all scampered for safety and left our “boy” to the elements of an angry Woman! This episode however got me thinking… where are the REAL MEN? Can the REAL MEN stand up and be counted? Can the REAL MEN stand up for their families, for their wives, for their girlfriends- Please stand as appropriate!

African men have never been known to have chivalry as a trait! They are instead known for bumming under a tree waiting for the heavens to drop food from the sky. For years, this worked out pretty well. All a self respecting African man needed to do was to marry multiple wives and then father as many children as possible so that he would have sufficient laborers for his expansive land.  Life was true bliss for this Neanderthal! He’d wake up and his porridge was ready. His wives would bow as he entered his hut and they were to ensure that he had a sufficient supply of Muratina, Busaa or Mnazi! By 10 a.m, he was already under some tree lording over his family as they slaved away in the fields. They were slave drivers of the worst kind. Come evening, all he had to do was cough and they wives knew by the cough who among them was to give conjugal rights that day! That was then… Unfortunately, some men have refused to evolve. They are hell bent on proving that Darwin’s Theory of Evolution was flawed. I kid you not when I say that many a man have had their reality cheques bounce!

They say that Kamba men will have a wife and girlfriend. He will Love his muhindi employer the most. The Luo man will have two wives and a girlfriend. He will love his neighbor’s wife the most. The Kalenjin man will have a wife and girlfriend. He will love his tractor the most. The Kikuyu man will have a wife and a girlfriend. He loves his girlfriend the most. The Luhya man will have a wife and a girlfriend. Unfortunately, he will make Love to his goat the most! The connecting string here is that, men will never be content. At what point does a man really settle down. At what point will he say he is satisfied with the woman he has chosen as his one and only?

Any good woman. Any lady,  worth her salt will expect to be treated with dignity and respect. Give her the attention. Give her the 10 minutes she craves for in your tight hands. Give her the loving she desires! Guys… Tusker sold over 10.5MILLION bottles of in the year 2008. Trust me when I say EABL will not miss you if you chose to spend Saturday afternoon with the one you Love. Women expect to be treated in a certain way. They don’t expect to know directions. That’s the man’s job. They do not expect to pay for dinner. They do not even carry their ID cards. That’s the man’s job. The man is expected to know all these things. It is up to the man to keep his woman happy. He should be the one tracking finances. He should be the one to ensure that the bacon is brought home and in sufficient quantities, economic crisis or not! The mark of a real man is not how many cars he drives. Its not the power he wields at work. Its not his ability to walk into the bar and proclaim “Chafua meza!”. His sole duty lies in making his woman happy. Make her smile. Give her reason to fall in love with you all over again every single day. The art of chivalry should not be stuff for the movies. Guys, make her feel special. Make her feel like she’s got the right man. With time, I admit, emotions like Love or even hate seem to fizzle out, but with the woman who well and truly loves you, a simple act of sending her a dozen roses for no reason at all, or a gesture like a kiss in the middle of Tom Mboya Street normally goes a long way!

Guys, how we expect our women to be loyal, loving and warm if we don’t take a moment out of our day, just a moment, to think about them and to appreciate them. We whine endlessly about the mothers of our children. We whine endlessly in the bar about how she’s making your life a living hell. Reality though is that, she is the glue in your life. Women expect to be talked to. They expect that if you have a bad day, you will tell them about it and not shut them out. Women expect that if they are having bad days, you will be there with an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on! The heart of a woman is a very delicate item. If she gives you her heart, then take good care of it. Treat her heart better than you treat your own. Treat the woman in your life like the queen that she is. Women are always looking for the “happy ever after” story. Happy ever does exist. She wants her happy ever after story to be with you. She married you knowing that she wanted to be the mother of your kids. She married you knowing that one day; she will grow old and grey with you. She will go to the lengths of this universe to make you happy. However, the man changes and wants time with his “boys”. The same boys who will introduce him to miscellaneous escapades and poison him with strip club visits! Guys, love doesn’t end when she says “I Love You!” Loving her doesn’t end the day she agrees to commit to you. Loving her on the contrary STARTS the day you commit to a relationship with her! Every day she awakes, she wants a new reason to Love you. She wants re-assurance that she made the right choice. She’d not mind sleeping on the streets as long as you are there to keep her warm when the chill sets in. A woman in Love with you will not mind if you were stranded in a remote island with no help in sight. As long as she has you by her side, she will make the best of these moments.

Perhaps what men seem to forget is that it’s never the grand gestures of Love that you show once in blue moon. It’s not the romantic trip you took with her to Tahiti 5 years ago that show the measure of your love. It is the small things that matter. It is the kiss you will generously plant on her lips when you meet. It is the lingering hug you give her, just to tell her she is still the one. It is the trip you take to her shagz in the middle of an El-Nino season just to visit her grandmother. Women Love with all their hearts. Let’s give a toast to the women in our lives. Tell her that you Love her. Tell her she is the one. Tell her she still makes your heart go “yodi yodi”…Tell her she still spins your world. Tell her she still is THE ONE! Send her some flowers today. After all, to quote a rather unlikely source “I Love You For Free and I’m Not Your Mother…”