KATIBA BORA OR BORA KATIBA

Just VOTE

“Said said
Said I remember when we used to sit
In the government yard in Trenchtown
Oba, ob-serving the hypocrites
As they would mingle with the good people we meet
Good friends we have had, oh good friends we’ve lost along the way
In this bright future you can’t forget your past
So dry your tears I say

No woman, no cry
No woman, no cry
Oh my Little sister, don’t she’d no tears
No woman, no cry”
No Woman No Cry- Bob Marley

Its political season in Kenya again and it’s the constitution in focus AGAIN! Isn’t it amazing how we’ve managed to recycle the same old policies, bundled and packaged them differently and then called it REFORMS? This is Kenya and wonders never cease!

I have read the proposed draft constitution and for starters I must say I was disappointed. I was hoping that Kenya is renamed Eyjafjallajokull. I mean with all the political heat we are generating, and the hot air coming from every corner, I’m sure that by now we’ve formed some ash cloud. I’ve got a feeling that by the time the referendum is coming round, planes will not be flying into Kenya! People… We’ve been told over and over again that we should all read the draft and then make informed choices! Well… for the sake of my good readers, I have read the draft and even went ahead and appointed my very C.o.E (Committee of Ex-fcuks) to asses the document on my behalf. YES…my former clandes have come up with a most beautiful document that will be used to do voter mis-education. The full document can be found on www.blowinghotair.info.ke. For now… I however found the following tit bits interesting…

THE CHURCH

Isn’t it interesting how the church almost always finds a way to twist the term “African culture”? Whenever it suits them, they throw in the African Culture and they think we’ve all forgotten that until recently, things as mundane as the African drum weren’t allowed in church! Lets not even get to the “Altar boys” saga… Now… the church-one of the countries largest landowner- is dictating to its flock that they must say a big NO to the draft constitution. If I take you back a few years… I remember the former president having a rough time with the church over the issue of condoms. The former president said that he was a president of both “Christians and drunkards”. The church was quick, efficient and sharp in its response. The first corrected the former prez that the opposite of Christians wasn’t drunkards and then went ahead to bash the whole issue of condoms saying the former prez was advocating for an immoral citizenship! QUESTION… assuming we were to have had a referendum on condoms back then, which side do you think the church would’ve leaned on? How many politicians would’ve joined in the church bandwagon? YEAH… To the church, I simply say, “You have failed to read the tide and keep with the times of the ever changing population. You have your heads buried so deep in your backside that you cant see the obvious…”

ABORTION

Now…if you thought I’d become an erstwhile campaigner for YES… well, you are THINK AGAIN! I am strictly PRO CHOICE. I advocate for women’s rights. My disappointment here goes to the ever vocal FIDA. They are forever quick to jump to the fore when it comes to matters dealing with senior politicians-remember they made a name through the “baba Dennis” fiasco-but when it came to women’s rights in the constitution, they went silent! My thinking is that, the FIDA top cream thinks its well positioned politically because of the number of positions now available to women. They are silently eyeing a spot in the top echelons of government! I would’ve assumed that FIDA would’ve stood up for women’s rights as relating to matters of abortion. Instead, we’ve only heard from a bunch of men-the church-and another bunch of men-gynecologists! One reason I just might vote NO… is because abortion has not been legalized. Yes I’ve said! LEGALIZE ABORTION! How many women struggle with choices of child birth? Why bring someone into this earth that you know you cant take care of? Give the modern woman a choice. Give young girls a choice and chance. Educate them on the risks involved and the effects of abortion. Give them a good and decent choice. What we have instead, is young girls being mis advised by peers and going to back street and dingy clinics to get abortions done. I dare ask my women… ”If you want to get an abortion, would you know where to get one?” Chances are…you’ll say YES. So why again were women bullied by the church into submission? Why didn’t women put up a strong fight towards the legislation of abortion? Give women a right to choose is what I say. It may not be morally correct, but it is what it is! Why give up on this fight now? Let your voice be heard in the ballot. And by the way…the most moronic argument I’ve heard so far against the constitution is that “Just because abortion is happening, doesn’t mean we make it legal. Just because bank robberies happen, doesn’t mean we make bank robberies legal”. YOU THINK????

GAY RIGHTS

Before you think I “swing that way” let me state upfront that I play for the team with different equipment! The politicians say we are making a constitution for the generations to come. Lets face it people, as things stand NOW, the number of gays and lesbians in our country is huge. Yet, we choose to take a moral high ground and assume that they don’t exist! Well…THEY DO! Guys in the coast have been doing the bendover in the open for years. Why make gays and lesbian sound like some secret mythical society out to destroy the world? I honestly don’t give a hoot what another man like up his rear end. I don’t care what objects he is down for. I do however care, that he gets his right to insert a coke bottle if he so chooses! Besides, if we make it legal, can you imagine the number of tourists who’d come to Kenya on a gay honeymoon? And guys, think of the lesbian women who on holiday would want to experiment with a third party. All said, I agree with Eminem when he says “theirs no reason why a man and another cant elope”!

KADHI’S COURTS

How and why again is this contentious? My “Committee of Ex-fcuks” interviewed twenty Christians and none of them could pick out exactly where a Kadhi’s court in Kenya is located! So again I ask… why is it contentious?

MAKMENDE

My sources reliably inform me that Kenyans wanted “Makmenday” to be a public holiday and a national symbol! Politicians are not telling us the truth. They fear that this man spoken of in soft tones and in dark corners will eclipse them. I demand that the government calls me as Makmende’s representative and personal assistant, so that we can negotiate. I believe there is still time and that “Makmende” is a contentious issue in the draft constitution. I suggest that parliament bows to the demands of the people and immediately reconvenes to insert a “makmende” clause. Things are beginning to look rather grim. Who do you think inserted the words “NATIONAL SECURITY” in the draft published by the AG? It was Makmende…but don’t tell anyone!

My dear fellow Kenyans, it is decision time again. I however think that we assume that a new constitutional dispensation is the “Be all, end all” of all our problems. FACT is, if we cant obey simple traffic rules, if we cant obey building codes,if we still find it easier to drink, drive and bribe rather than take a taxi…then how on earth will we adopt an entirely new set of laws? A change in minds and attitudes is what is first needed. As someone once said… “Don’t first start by asking if we’ve got human rights. Start by asking if we’ve got the right humans”. My question… do we have the right kind of people in Kenya? Well… I still insist, lets first rename our country Eyjafjallajokull!

The More Things Change, The More They Remain The Same!

“Hey watch the places you walk & mind the way you talk
Watch out fi di Vampire who will sneak up in the dark
Watch out for the big time crook who claim sey that dem smart
Stop bring in the crack & the gun to mash up the yout’ dem heart
Earth A Run Red
10 Year old a look dem owna Tea Bread
I Hear a next yout’ dead, whoooaa
Earth A Run Red”

Richie Spice- Earth A Run Red

Out of curiosity… how many of us have taken the time to read the proposode draft constitution for Kenya? This is the document said to govern how Kenyans will live for the next many years to come. This is the climax of a process that started many years ago. How many of us remember Martin Shikuku on the hood of a landrover as he made his way to Kamukunji for the legendary FORD rally? How many remembere the Sabasaba riots… How many remember Sabina Joy’s doors closing for the first time in modern history? Well… The consttuion is said to be FINALLY here.. Raymond so far has not bothered to read the document. Why? Isn’t that rather foolish of me?? My question is…. Does it REALLY MATTER? Do my views REALLY count for anything more than a bucket of warm spit?

 

So far, everything smacks like the 2005 process. Politicians hijacked the entire thing. Highlighting only what suited them best. Our churches sat back and ignored the happenings… only telling the flock that they should read and decided for themselves. Wananchi voted for NO… perhaps not because they’d read the draft document, but because they felt that “Raila amesoma na amesema ni mbaya…”! How did we really get here… how have we been manipulated and fooled by politics and tribal chieftains to get to where we are now? I know a place we can start…

 

KANU ERROR ERA

 

In the 40 years of KANU, the constitution was tinkered and tampered with time and time again. If some clause did not suite the ruling elite, it was “adjusted”. Just a small fix to suit whoever was in power. No major overhaul. Just enough to ensure that ultimate is clung on to. The infamous section 2A making Kenya a one party state… the vesting of all executive authority in one person. So much was done to the katiba that it isn’t recognizable as compared to its original version.

 

The 90s came with political vibrancy and perhaps people who’d later turn out to e political lunatics and turncoats. We were staring at a fresh crop of leaders who promised to deliver us to a new found land. A group of young turks who were like a breath of fresh air. They had no trivial tribal intentions-or so we thought. These guys formed what later became the backbone of the opposition. They were fiery. They had fight in them. They had the people in their hearts-or so we thought- and they took Kenyans to the brink of almost imagining a better governed, more equitable Kenya. AND THEN THEY GOT INTO POWER

 

NARC Era- Pandora’s Box

 

Did people really elect Kibaki? Or was he at the right place at the right time? After Raila’s walk out from KANU- for selfish reasons- Kibaki was practically granted the presidency on a silver platter. This… was the equivalent of opening Pandora’s Box. Had we known Pandora was a bitch, we probably would have kept that box locked up and hidden. The “fighters for the people”… the same people we had watched in rallies and demonstrations calling for reforms, were now guarding the gates at the anti reform door. They got the key and quickly threw it away! The Kiraitus, the Orengos, The Koigis…. The Karuas… they all went silent. It was their turn to eat. The same Kiraitu who in 2001 was a principal advocate for an executive prime minister, was now proclaiming that having “two centre’s of power” was a dangerous thing. Michuki was talking of juggling livers… and the Rutos who were previously vigorously opposed to an executive prime minister, were now rebranding and repackaging themselves as “reformist” and they even dared to say they had “the people’s backing”! Same script, same cast… DIFFERENT ROLES!

 

It broke the hearts of many Kenyans watching the very same people we expected to lead us onto to the eternally promised land, sit back and enjoy the trappings of power. The new crop in the regime behaved like those annoying pesky prefects in High School. Once they got elevated to new posts, they made the lives of other students a living hell. They turned into the new henchmen for the ruling elite. “I’ve consulted with my people”… that statement was more often than not followed by tribal vitriol. “Nataka watu kutoka mashinani wa hakikishe ya kwamba…” followed by more tribal hate speech. Kenyans took it all… We played with fire.. we got burnt!

 

“I don’t know who won the elections…” of 2007

 

I really don’t give a rat’s behind who won or who didn’t win those dammed elections. I voted and I regretted voting and I probably will never vote again! The only silver lining in this very dark cloud, lies in the creation of the prime minister’s post. Kenyans discovered that this was actually a very viable option. As for whether or not it has worked… the jury is still out but things aint looking good.. Power turned foes into friends.. Lets face the reality here… Kenyatta had Moi as his bitch and Njonjo as his henchman. Moi had Kamotho as his bitch, and man like Biwott as his henchman. Kibaki now has Raila as his bitch, and Michuki is his henchman. Power and the illusion of power has reduced what was to be an independently working office into one that is bitch slapped so many times… we might as well do without it!

 

With this draft constitution, we have none sense called “political caucus”. Their main objective seems to be to flag the political carcass till it exists no more. Tribal chieftains will still hold sway.

 

How do I predict this all playing out? Easy… Politicians will ask for more time to consult and build consensus. We will eventually go for a referendum. The players will be largely the same as the players in the 2005 referendum. However, most of the have now “traded sides”. Those that said YES, will now be pressing for a NO vote. If you have land in Mau.. don’t be alarmed just yet. Mau will become a district of its own and “genuine squatters” will be issued with fresh title deeds. Hawkers will allowed back into the city streets… certain outlawed groups will repent their ways and see the light in a public rally. Even the SLDF will be used to spread the word of the new constitution. As I’ve said before… same toilet, different shit and after going round in circles, we will end up where we started. I am so sure of a NO vote that I’m polishing up my CV to be in the next committee of experts and draft a “new” constitution for Kenya.

 

As for our good churches… Why is it that you are so opposed to Gay rights? Calling it “un African”! Isn’t that the height of hypocrisy? Please tell me… exactly what is so “African” about your religion? Apart from the Egyptians branded as slave drivers, exactly what is so African about your religion! Let me try getting something straight… if say a 50 year old man is getting jiggy with a 15 year old… that is deemed evil by the men of your cloth. However, if a 50 year old priest is getting freaky with a 13 year old altar boy, then that can just be let to slide and the priest is transferred to another diocese to prey on other boys! What verse is that about the log in your eye? I’m not advocating for homosexuality… but, I say I will respect someone’s sexual orientation!

 

So, will I read this new set of laws? I guess I’m waiting for politicians to pile me up with gibberish and tribal opinions, and once they are done, civil societies will add insult to injury with opinions that work best for whoever is financing their agenda, and just when I’m almost fed up, churches and mosques will tell me their twisted drivel about the document…. So… will I read it? NO! Will I vote if it goes to a referendum? NO… I know the outcome already. We will end up right where we are! If this constitution passes, I will walk stark naked, the entire Moi Avenue!

 

In Other News

“Just because you read it in a magazin

Or see it on the TV screen

Don’t make it factual

Though everybody wants to read all about it

Just because you read it in a magazine

You see it on the TV screen Don’t make it factual, actual”

Michael Jackson- Tabloid Junkie

In other news somehow not in the headlines… Some poorly shaved dude, with deep set eyes, speaking Spanglish strolled into the country to a red carpet reception and cold shoulders from the political elite! Suddenly, “political analysts” and “International Law Experts” have cropped up and the buzz word now is something now being referred to as “The Rome Statute”! Somehow, as long as you can quote a line from the Rome Statute, you qualify as an analyst and you present the “facts” on some Tv station who are eager to keep their audience up to date with the goings on-or goings not on-with Ocampo’s trip! Along with “Analysts”, we now have some characters who came up during the constitution review process. The go by the vague term of “Stakeholders”! Now, I’d like to know exactly who stakeholders in the “Waki Report” are! This group called stakeholders are the very same characters who will be present whenever there’s a Matatu Strike. They will be the same stakeholders whenever cows in West Pokot are stolen. They will be stakeholders going to the Hague to brief Ocampo… When constitution guys are meeting in some fancy Mombasa Hotel, they will be there! So.. who on earth are these fellows? If you pummel your wife half to death, they will swoop into the area and with their tag “stakeholders” go on to explain how what you’ve done is a crime against humanity,or against natural justice… On the same note, I’d like to request a meeting with Ocampo! I represent Kenyan bloggers still living in IDP camps and I am a stakeholder in the process and I intend to press for an all expenses paid trip to the Hague to tell him the plight of Kenyan Bloggers!

In Other news that will never make headlines… My team of experts have been digging into Usain Bolt’s past! What they found was earth shattering. He is a Kalenjin. His ancestry was traced to Kabartonjo! Bolt was actually Kipsaina Arap Boit. When his parents moved to Jamaica, they got rather high on some weed and local brews and in a moment of madness started calling the young fella Usain! Bolt was adopted by western media as a brand name. I have scanned copies of his birth certificate. The details of this ground breaking revelation can as always be found on my website, www.youmustbeamoron.co.ke! To support this fact, I ask if you noticed his quick adaptation to the Maasai dance routine. You can take the man out of the village, but you can’t take the village out of the man!

In other news out of the headlines…. What is it with women and nasty looking weaves! I was walking along the corridors of a popular Kenyan Mall, and I saw this woman with a weave that looked like a mash up of a Kiondo and a sisal skirt! The color variance on it looked like something conjured up by a whoever invented the traffic lights! This creature on head, was colored, black…red,white and…wait for it…SKY BLUE! I don’t know what her excuse is, or what her intentions exactly are but, my suspicions are that her hairdresser has a grudge with her and that she doesn’t read the WARNING labels on mirrors. OBJECTS ON THIS MIRROR MAY NOT APPEAR AS THEY ACTUALLY LOOK! On that note, the mama I describe above had a butt like WHOA! She swayed and swaggered like a leaf being gently blown by the silent wind! Just goes to show… a great butt is always wasted on a dumb head!

In other news that once made headlines…. Why do our TV stations have to make listening to Kiswahili news such agony! Recently KTN had this word they were trying to educate me on. I’m all up for some info-tainment. My rage however goes with the fact that they used words I’d never heard of to describe a word I’d never heard of! Whatever happened to using normal Kiswahili words to inform me. Is Kiswahili bulletin meant to be for Kiswahili Scholars?? I still don’t know what “tandabelua ya siasa” means. I think it relates to post election violence. And whatever happened to the word “Mamluki”? or was it Margaryan’s other name? On the same note, I’d be more than happy if I was told the origin of words like “barua pepe” and “simu za rununu”. Simu za mkono was working just right for me! As for the cock and bull stories they sometimes feel heavily inclined to tell…please make sense. “Babu wangu alimtumia nduguye barua pepe kumfahamisha ya kwamba amenunua simu ya rununu” just doesn’t cut it as a believable story!

In other news that are always on the Sunday headlines… Televangelism has sunk to a new low. I sometimes would wake up on Sunday and turn on my TV and receive blessings. Nowadays, I can hardly see whoever is preaching. The reason is because theirs a huge ticker tape running down the screen that says DONATE VIA MPESA! MPESA is a very good invention. However, telling me that to receive “blessings right now” I need to send MPESA! I don’t mind giving to the church. I am someone who goes to church every Sunday morning. What I don’t need however is some televangelist soliciting money from me! I don’t want to keep your programme on air… I hardly care about your mission to Southern Sudan and I care less about your cash cow called a children’s home! Some law banning soliciting of MPESA or ZAP should be imposed. I think churches need to look within to find contentious issues rather than look to Kadhi’s courts. This whole televangelical thing is a contentious issue. The good news though, is That Kamlesh’s church..or is brother Paul? Does not ask for MPESA. So at least I’ve got an option to watch him…but I’d much rather NOT! On that note… To receive a special post from this blog, kindly send an MPESA transfer to the number 0710537414. This will ensure that you receive a special greeting and a post dedicated just for you. The blogger here needs to buy a VW Passat. Your donations will be highly appreciated and I will post all donations on my blog! Money gram and Western Union can also be used. Thank You for keeping this blogger online!

Bless This, Our Land And Nation.

I couldn’t help but show my pride as John Allan Namu took to the podium at CNN Africa awards and chanted the words of our anthem out loud. There stood someone who had his audience at every word he said.. He could’ve taken to the podium and used his crowning moment to do the usual. That is, thank his Family and friends for the support…thanked his station..Tell the world that it’s all about hard work…and then gone ahead to parade the ills stalking our beloved country..and let’s face it..there are many ills.. but what John Allan Namu did was something that is rare in most Kenyans..he asked the Lord our God to watch over us..He called for blessings to be bestowed unto our country. He showed an immense sense of patriotism that is lacking amongst most a folk in this part of the world! It got me thinking. how many of us give a damn about our country. How many of us care what happens? Or are we just happy to let it all go wrong, and then complain afterwards that things are going wrong???

Post election violence still remains a scar to Kenyans.. It is still etched deeply in the hearts and minds of Kenyans. One must however ask the question…what are we as Kenyans doing about it. What happened to the anger that boiled as we watched in horror as neighbors took machetes and axes and declared each other sworn enemies? What happened to us angrily looking at our “leaders” and demanding answers to the mayhem that plunged this country to a path of self destruction? Or did we as citizens simply want our “leaders” to agree. My question is..why should we give two shits about whether our leaders agree or not? They’ve simply managed to cause more grief to our pockets and more bickering to our news and nothing concrete has come from this madness that is the coalition Government.

People, let us take on our politicians. Why is it that we entertain the fodder fed to us from the mouths of characters who do not qualify to lead anything more than a pack of wolves…Why will we vote for them over and over again and even have them installed as elders of our community? My dear fellow Kenyans, if we have any sense of pride left in us..if we have even the slightest..even the most remote sense love for our republic..I urge you..Ignore the rants and ravings of our “leaders”.. Ignore each and every utterance and contradiction that will come out of their mouths. They say a new constitution will ensure the end of suffering. I say a new constitution for politicians will turn us into beggars..they will simply take control of the entire process and the part which they feel doesn’t agree with their economic and political-please note I put economic first-futures, will just be expunged or they will then muster their people to reject it..

Someone was once explaining how the 15s version of the Kenyan game isn’t doing too good..actually, the standards of the 15s game has plummeted to an almost all-time low.. part of the reason, the person went on to say is that for years on end, Kenya played with teams it could beat and beat well. They played the usual suspects..Uganda and Tanzania! Kenya’s game deteriorated while Uganda kept learning from their mistakes and making great strides at the 15s game. Who ever thought Kenya would loose to Uganda at KRFUEA grounds?? Well..the inevitable happened..they lost in an Elgon cup match up! Where am I headed?? Well, I’m simply putting it to you that as we compared our democracy and our financial might, we were content to only draw comparisons with our neighbors..Sudan,Uganda,Somalia,Ethiopia-who had domestic issues-and Tanzania. Rwanda was nowhere in the horizon. Then as Rwanda started propping itself up..we then jumped at them as if to say “look here little brother, you may be growing, but I’m still bigger than you!”.. At what point did we even dare compare ourselves to African powerhouses like Egypt? Morocco?? Whenever we dare look south, we give ourselves all manner of excuses…like “they’ve got diamonds, oil…but their population is stricken by AIDS”…We don’t even accept we’ve been beaten hands down. We must still throw in an element of spite…

For ages we’ve been talking about transforming our own lives..We have however let policy makers trample all over us..Someone please explain to me how JUA KALI became a policy to be aggressively pursued! We were so hell bent on churning a nation of Juan Kali experts that we even went ahead and changed our education system to suit this trade. We introduced subjects into our syllabus that was geared towards making us all a nation of hammers and nails! The people in this sector do a wonderful job..they wake up early and they work hard. They have to keep up with the times and they innovate and improvise! Why didn’t we introduce an educate system that would mechanize Kenya rather going backwards to traditional ways of craftsmanship? Can you imagine the level of production if we chose the path of technology instead of craftsmanship? We would have normal you and me owning, running and or managing industries! Reminds of a Machiavelli’s Art Of War. He does say-and I dare paraphrase-that if you want to rule over people, then by all means impoverish them! For us to now take a leap out of the quandary we find ourselves in, we need to start looking at what education reforms we HAVE to put in place to get us out of the iron age we find ourselves in and usher into a new era..Vision 2030 will become a cropper if we don’t take radical steps to introduce technology to everyone at an early stage! Let us focus on more efficient ways of production.

I dare say that for a solid 40 years..KANU was a success! Yes you read right..the party of the cockerel was a success! Here was a party so hell bent in keeping power that they geared all government policies towards this solitary goal. Priority projects were not given on a need basis. They were given on a political mileage and patronage basis. They did what was best for the grand old party! The NARC government did some tweaking to this policy, but let’s face it..they couldn’t play the game like the grand old party..then came the disaster called coalition government..Lord help us all..their only objective seems to be to paint each other in negative light for something called political mileage! We all know how this will play out…Rutto will go back to KANU,Uhuru will welcome him with open arms..I see Raila and Karua forming an alliance..as is always the case..Mudavadi will be left hanging somewhere between nowhere and a place called it doesn’t matter… I think what we should now stand up and say is this…We don’t give a shit-pardon my Latin- who the fuck-pardon my Chinese- either of you aligns themselves with..we simply want nothing to do with all the turncoats that have overseen the ruin of this country… Of course we will be told the same old crap…under KANU I couldn’t speak up..Under NARC we were edged out or cheated..under the coalition we were sharing power 50:50.. Simply put..we shouldn’t tolerate these fellows any more!

Time has come for us to rise up..rise up and say we want a will no longer tolerate politicians occupying our front pages! Time for us to say we will no longer accept the bread crumbs thrown our away just to appease the masses. We’ve all gotten a raw deal! It stinks to the high heavens..let us show protest. Withhold taxes…withhold council rates…ignore political rallies..let us speak up and speak out with our silence! Let us take a stand! Let us go to the Mau and forcefully plant trees! Lets us demand faster action as regards Ndakaini Dam..time has come for us to be proactive as citizens! What will shield us?? Well, John Allan Namu has the answer to that…OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM!