The Key, The Padlock And A Woman’s Value.

Put It In..Twist And Turn!

“You thought, you could
Keep this shit from me, yeah
Ya burnt bitch, I heard the story
Ya played me, ya even gave him head
Now ya askin for me back
Ya just another act, look elsewhere
Cuz ya done with me”

(Ef It)Don’t Want You Back- Eamon

The good news is… I am back at the local. In December I partook of alcohol on credit and so in January… I was on escape mode. However, January is gone and I am back at the local and I am surprised at the volume bad vibe I have missed out on! Seriously people… It is important to sit with the “wazees”at the local as often as possible for in so doing…you gain wisdom and you gain an indepth knowledge of “stuff” beyond the wisdom of Wikipedia. On my first visit back to the local, I chose to sit with some hotties. I had to see if they still had love for me… One hottie asked me an interesting question… “Why is it that when a man sleeps around, he is hailed as a King, and when a woman does the same… She is a WHORE!” Her words NOT MINE…but, they could’ve been mine!

Raymond is as yet to find a question he couldn’t answer. These hotties had obviously been around the block… if you catch my drift… and so they were looking for answers to soothe their bruised reputation-whatever little was left anyway-and in a way, I think they expected a gentlemanly response from me… Of course it occurred to me that by giving a soothing answer, I had a shot at a threesome… that’s a story for another day though… I told the ladies I’d give them an appropriate response at an appropriate time. I hereby submit my appropriate response to them.

I once had a padlock that was called “ORIV”. Now, we all know the original padlocks are called “VIRO”. Now this padlock was the most takataka padlock ever. Seriously speaking, I could use a Tri-Cycle key to open the darned thing. Whenever I slotted in a Solex key… Open Sesame…whenever I used a car Key… Open Sesame. It was such a bad padlock that it got to a point I really didn’t have to use a key anymore. All I needed to do was just gently pull the padlock and it’d snap open in an instant!

Let me take you a few years back… way way back to my High School days! Now, I had this key that opened many lockers. This key ensured that I never starved to death and I owe my rugby playing body heavily to that key. Now, because I was able to open other people’s lockers, I had access to other people’s stash of chapos and junk food! I know some of my mates are going to kill me…but I was touched by the word today and had to let it out! Its been a burden carrying the secret with me-Okay, I just lied-but either way… I managed to survive four years of high school with relative ease! Thanks to my super KEY.

Now, I hope you don’t think I was telling the above two stories for no good reason. Here is where the cookie crumbles… read on my people…

When you have a Key that opens everywhere… that magical key should be used to open as many padlocks as possible. Use it to open bank vaults if you so wish. We will honour you and your key. However, should you have a padlock that is pried open with ease by any key, then let’s face it people…that padlock really has no value. It is only good for temporary relief and you can only use it in case of emergencies. Sometimes, when you can’t find your Solex padlock… or your steel enforced padlock, then you have to resort to your temporary ORIV padlock…but you shouldn’t at anytime be fooled or duped into using that padlock as a permanent solution to a temporary solution. You will suffer the indignity of having your padlock opened by the multitudes that may choose to do so!

People… A man is a lot like the KEY! If a key opens many padlocks, it is referred to as a “MASTER KEY”. A woman is a lot like the Padlock. You see, when a man is meant to go on to the world and open as many padlocks as he possibly can. It is a man’s quest to become the ultimate MASTER KEY. It is on the other hand… the ultimate quest for a woman to become the Enforced Padlock… only opening a limited few and select keys… Men will always try to outdo each other… see whose key opens the most doors…whose key is bigger. The competitions are endless. Men even compete on weird twisted levels like whose key can open big padlocks, married padlocks… at the end of the day; we all need to face the reality. It is a man’s duty if not calling to behave like a padlock. It is his primary goal in life to wiggle into and twist in and out of as many padlocks as he possibly can. A woman however, has to ensure that as few keys as possible turn her padlock! It is in being rarely pried open that a padlock gets its worth! A padlock’s worth can be directly attributed to the number of keys out there that can open it! The fewer the keys, the more valuable the padlock is! FACT OF LIFE…

Now, if you’ve not gotten the moral of my Key and Padlock tales, well, I kindly suggest that you log on to www.dumbass.co.ke. I have a full and detailed analysis of the theory there. For now, let me sign off. Raymond has a padlock to open…and that padlock claims to be brand new, but from the look of it and the ease to which it has accepted my offer to open, I think it is more of an ORIV type padlock rather the Solex I am accustomed to. Drastic times however, call for more than drastic measures!

Follow me on twitter-chepkwonyr and on facebook-Ray Chepkwony

Blow For Blow: Toss A Coin And Get HEAD

Just BLOW

“But man I ain?t never seen an ass like hers

That pussy in my mouth had me at a loss for words

I told her to back it up like burp burp

And make that ass jump like shczerp shczerp

And that?s when she said I’m lick like a lollipop

(Oh yeah I like that)

She said l-l-lick like a lollipop

(Oh yeah I like that)

She said lick like a lollipop

(Oh yeah I like that)

Shawty said like a lollipop”

Lollipop- Lil Wayne

If there’s something I admire about beer, is its ability to help men get laid. Rich, poor, cute or ugly… men have for years gotten laid as a result of buying a woman a drink or two. It’s the fastest working aphrodisiac! I want any dude over the age of 25 to dare deny ever benefiting from alcohol induced randiness! If you claim to never have been a beneficiary, then my friend, you truly are a man…you are a well trained, well conditioned LIAR! Yaani, you lie even without prompting! Dude, you are good! Back to matters at hand… Since the advent of “blue movies”, men have been well… “Experimenting”. “Blue movies” was what porn was called back in the day…pre-internet days. Fast forward 2010 and we are getting porn on our phones…the downside however, is that women are increasingly finding themselves receiving strange requests! The most basic of requests nowadays is HEAD!

Now, I was with a friend of mine in the local recently, and he told me how he’d been begging his wife to perform “oral interviews” on him… For years, she’d refused… totally said no to the idea and thought. 1st January 2010 however…the Mrs was rather inebriated and decided to fulfil her hubby’s wish… Now at this point, my good friend bowed his head and went on to narrate the agony and pain he felt during this ordeal! What was meant to be a calming and relaxing “interview” turned up to be one of the most agonizing ordeals of his life. His ordeal got me thinking… I honestly don’t expect to find a woman who isn’t going to give me head nowadays, and I expect a commanding performance from her when she does it! I expect her to take charge of matters to the very end! Being Raymond, I can say here and proudly so that I have received my fair share of head…I may have received some other guy’s share as well…but I think women need a good lesson on how to blow a man’s trumpet! Very few have mastered the art…the beautiful art no less… of oral sex.

I assembled a team recently for my first ever panel of experts that was 100% feminine. We all know how female lawyers are, so they were obviously the majority in the panel. The panel was tasked with putting together the types of “oral interviews” that are performed. For full listing, please visit www.youaintgettingthat.co.ke . I will only delve into a few here…

1- The Grinder

This for men is the most painful, most agonizing and most traumatizing experience that one can subject his penis to. Outside circumcision that is. Guys, if you have received head from a 19 year old mama, then you know what I’m talking about. It feel like someone is twisting, biting and rolling “the boss” in the name of pleasure. Even worse is when they get overly enthusiastic and believe they are doing a wonderful job and get carried away! Guys, you are the experiment and I ask here that you take one for the team. It is based on your pain that she perfects her art! Take one for the team dudes. But do mention that TEETH ARE A NO!

2- The Balloon.

Now, ladies…This is where you interpret the word “blow job” literally, and you blow you cheeks to form some sort of balloon or bubble. Of course it is better treatment than the “grinder” but it is absolutely no good! This should not even be classified as “Oral Interview”. All she does is blow her own mouth and there’s almost no sensation. This is boring and should be discouraged by all even in the highest levels of government! It is a total waste of time and a waste of a good hard on! Ladies, put in some effort… At least the “grinder” mama was learning, but you have no excuse. You are obviously a seasoned performer and to(mis)treat a man in this manner is totally inexcusable! Apologize if you do this and have the decency to throw some tongue in next time and stop literally blowing hot air!

3- The Good Kind

What is good head? Well, this is where the lady puts in effort…she has gotten rid of the teeth, and is now using her tongue. It takes practice to master this art and so if you get good head, then chances the mama has some decent mileage on her… however, any dude will tell you that this is a mind blowing experience. It is almost incomparable to any other act… you’ll not know whether to hold your waist, hold your head, hold her head…you’ll feel a certain…bliss and quiver going up and down your body! If you are getting this kind of head, then dude has no reason whatsoever to cheat!

4- The GREAT KIND

Now is the kind of head that one gets once in a long while… this “oral performance” leaves a man wondering whether he is still conscious. This is where “Oral Interviews” as per item number 3 are performed and then extras are added. Think about this way… you get good head, with some serious benefits. I’m talking about objects being randomly shoved rear side, i’m talking about good head and perfect handling of the nuts… I am talking about the kind of head where even the mama isn’t too sure of exactly what she’s doing… somehow her tongue seems to twist and twirl… something happens as you are getting good head that makes it great head! People, when she’s done, you won’t be sure if you are going or coming. You’ll get diminished capacity to think and experience numbness throughout your body! When she’s done… your outlook of life shall forever be changed and in a good way!

Ladies, its time you all upped your game. I say unto you… be the change between good head and great head. Blow glad tidings my way. Blow the winds of change. I hope this blow by blow account will help ladies give good head. I am available for practice sessions! All I do nowadays though… is toss a coin, and voila… I ALWAYS GET HEAD!  Do I hear guys saying THANK YOU RAYMOND!!!

Source: www.raymondchepkwony.wordpress.com

S[HE] BE[LI]EV[ED]!

“Now I don’t have to question

Where you were last night

Cause I already know what you will say

I already know you lie

But I can’t be mad at ya

Cause there’s something that you don’t know

That when you’re gone, I do my own thing

And I catch a bone while you’re doggin’ me

When you’re out in the club, don’t think I’m not

Even when you’re out makin’ love, don’t think I’m not

When you’re feelin’ good in somebody’s spot

Gettin’ hot, don’t stop

Just don’t think I’m not

Cause I’m out gettin’ mine”

Kandi- Don’t Think I’m Not.

A friend of mine recently called me for a chat. I could feel the pain in her voice so I asked her to meet up. Turns out she was distraught after finding out that her boyfriend has been having something on the side. She wondered why he lied to her and why she believed the sweet nothings time and time again! Obviously I had to tell her the “truth”-my version of it anyway- just to sooth her obviously broken heart. And yes I was looking for an angle to “hit that” because let’s face it; there’s no easier mama to shag than one who is suffering from a broken heart: the fresher, the easier and the better. http://raymondchepkwony.wordpress.com

Wow…I’m still trying to get over “the fresher, the easier and the better” statement. You are cold and heartless ways never cease to amaze me. You’re such a man! You mean to tell me you would’ve hit that had she been willing knowing good and well that the poor girl is suffering from a full blown case of broken heart syndrome? I guess that’s the Ray Chepkwony way to “sooth” a broken heart, huh? Let me tell her my version of the truth and then try to hit it for the sake of a quick nut that may not even be worth it. Good job Ray! You’re mother would be so proud. If more men knew how to be friends with women instead of having ulterior motives I think our melting pot would be a more festive soup bowl. My heart goes out to this girl because a broken heart is not exactly easy to mend. But the heart is resilient and it will get better again. P.S. – do try and stay away from Raymond. http://vent09.blogspot.com

I had to ask myself the question, “Why do men have the urge to be unfaithful?” Even worse is that they will cheat on a drop dead gorgeous woman with some mama you’d not look at twice! The more I thought about it, the clearer the answers became! Two answers popped into my mind and yes… I had one of those “Eureka” moments only that I didn’t run across the street stark naked, but trust me, I almost did.

1- The Gene Pool Effect.

Men have it coded in their D(EOXYRIBO)N(UCLEIC) A(CID) (DNA(dē’ĕn-ā’} to cheat. Yes, some guys may claim sainthood and say they’ve been loyal to the same woman for the last thirty years, and to such claims I say “Yeah Right!” Their lying asses have just never been caught in the act. They are the smart ones: always kept their stories straight and their office network poor especially in the evenings! People, men are wired to want to fornicate with more than one woman at any given time period. Granted, we can stay faithful for say one year… after that, well…the gene pool effect swings into action! It’s our way at cursing Eve for getting us kicked out of Heaven. Our troubles can be attributed to Eve’s mischievous nature. So ladies, every time you discover your man has been with someone else, please don’t bash his head in because He is nothing more than an innocent bystander in the struggle! He is powerless against the forces of science! It’s in the DNA! I can’t emphasize that enough! http://raymondchepkwony.wordpress.com

Hmm, now science is to blame for cheating men? I’m almost (not quite) inclined to agree. There is SOME truth to it…men ARE wired “differently”. I think men are captivated by the feel and taste of new a** and will go to great lengths to acquire something new just for the smell of it! No matter what the dude has at home or across town, the prospect of sleeping with someone new takes over both brains and liquify’s whatever’s left. Awww…you can stay faithful for one year? How lucky we are to get 12 months of honesty out of you. I’m a little impressed because that actually means you made some sort of effort. I have yet to find a man that can logically explain why men cheat when the home front is happy. I’ve seen and heard obvious reasons why men cheat: she’s not giving up any at home, she’s gained some weight, not a good cook or lover, we’re not getting along or whatever the case might be. What I’m trying to figure out is when things ARE good at home and men still cheat….what is the cause?  How typical that you blame Eve for your troubles yet Adam had a brain of his own but decided to bite the apple against his better judgement. Therein lies the problem ladies and gentlemen…men don’t think about the repercussions; instead they act out of the need for instant gratification and satisfaction. So ladies, any time you discover your man has been with someone else, please don’t hesitate to bash his head in and rip the damn DNA out! Ok, ok, so maybe don’t bash his head in cuz I wouldn’t want to condone violence but feel free to tear him a new one as well as re-wire the DNA and never look back. http://vent09.blogspot.com

2- The “Good Men” are hard to find effect…

FACT is that good and decent men have been hunted down to extinction. And who are the causes of this extinct species? WOMEN. You are your own worst enemies. Nowadays, when I go clubbing, I put on my wedding band and all I have to do is sit back and watch them come! The wedding band is an aphrodisiac. Forget Rhino horns and funny blends from “Mganga toka Tanzania”. Forget the magical effects of “Kamute”. The wedding band works miracles. Women are on the prowl for a good man. So much so that if the good man is already taken, you will do all you can to muscle your way in! You are willing to slug it out! In the meantime, there’s a man disproving the Swahili elders who said…“Fahali wawili wakipigana, nyasi hu-umia”. As women engage in a slugfest and compete, one guy is reaping the benefits of it all. Who said you can’t have your bread buttered on all sides! http://raymondchepkwony.wordpress.com

So we blamed science initially and now we’re on to blaming women for the extinction of good and decent men? You’re on a roll! How about we blame it on the ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-alcohol being consumed inside the club for clouding our senses and making us do foolish things like put on wedding bands (when you’re clearly not married) and approaching married men in search of a “good” man. For starters, you’re in a club so the ideal pickings are slim and questionable. And for the record, you can’t put the chicks at the club in the same category with all women. All women don’t go after married men; just the ones who still haven’t a clue. So very sad. What’s even sadder is that you actually put on a wedding band and hit the club scene for some action. Poor guy. http://vent09.blogspot.com

As for why men lie like they do… well, the truth is that they don’t. Men speak what their minds always tell them to speak. Ladies, if you ask a man whose just gotten laid, if he’s cheating on you… the truth is that the functional brain at that moment is not the one that thinks when he’s at work! Try thinking lower… not his tummy low-unless you found him with mama mboga-…think under the belt low! That brain is still in control and that brain dictates what he says. So the correct answer is that he’s not cheating on you. In fact he wants some right about now! That sort of rational thinking is what the world needs! The reason a man gets caught out on his lies is when his normal mind takes over and insists on overruling the previous utterances of the lower brain! That’s when he does something foolish like call you someone else’s name while in bed. The tug and tussle between the brains is one that can’t end well. Guys, when having sex… KEEP QUIET! Do no utter a word! That’s how you end up saying “Scolastica” instead of “Monica”. http://raymondchepkwony.wordpress.com

So basically the world needs men to think with their lower brains? That’s frightening! Men lie like they do because they’re idiots and the idea of considering someone else’s feelings is way too far fetched for them to comprehend and act accordingly. Or better yet, just don’t cheat. Have the balls to get out of the relationships and then go and bone as many chicks as you please. Why string one woman along with endless lies and empty promises? Just cut her loose!! She’ll get over it with time. Lying is so over-rated. A woman will respect you more if you man’d up and told her the truth. You never know, she may still want to stay and engage in an open relationship. My point is – give women a choice. It’s not cool to insult our intelligence with this normal and lower brain bullshit…and to be honest that is why it “never ends well”. Tell it like it is and give us the choice to stay or pack our bags. 9 out of ten, we’re packing our bags! http://vent09.blogspot.com

ABOUT

Ellen Wanjiru-(http://vent09.blogspot.com)

Ellen lives and works in the Washington, DC area as a freelance writer. Her wordings on diverse topics make for a great read and showcase her versatility as a creative writer. Add her as a friend on Facebook.com/Ewrita and follow her on twitter.com/Ewrita. Apart from vent09.blogspot.com, Ellen also writes poetry @ http://thoughtsinblu.blogspot.com

Raymond Chepkwony-(http://raymondchepkwony.wordpress.com)

Raymond is Kenyan and has taken to humor writing. Though he sometimes delves on to the murky world of politics, his main forte is relationships-though he’s taken to female bashing! Add Raymond as a friend on Facebook- Ray Chepkwony and follow him on twitter @chepkwonyr

Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past.

“Ulinitesa sana
Sababu nilikupenda wajua
Kijijini kwa bibi Kigoma
Iliniuma sana
Mimi leo niko Dar
Aliniyenipenda nishamuoa
Je wataka kumjua jina?
Aitwa Cinderella
Rudi home wewe
Rudi nyumbani
Wasalimie Kigoma
Waambie nishao”

Ali Kiba- Cinderella

Recently, I had the pleasure to indulge in a hearty chat over a White Cap courtesy of an idiot I call a friend. This man, whose name I shall not disclose, has had his fair share, actually, he’s had his share and like the share of five other guy’s in terms of mamas. As we were chatting and the White Cap was beginning to set in, he made a comment that stuck to my mind. I remember him stating a FACT. “Men have problems, women just have issues!”

It is a well known fact that when it comes to cases of the ex girlfriend, men never really let go. Women have this thing of “moving on” and “closure”. This my good people, does not exist. The only time Raymond has found this so called “closure” has been on Oprah!  The reality is different. Men will always have a way of going back to the scene of many crimes. THAT’S A PROBLEM! Women, well… They move on and they find this so called closure… Only to willingly have a one night sex romp with an ex. THAT’S AN ISSUE! The reason it is an issue is because, she will then spend weeks agonizing as to whether or not the sex meant anything. As to whether or not, there was meaning in the drunken entanglement! A dude, will only regret his actions… actually, he will NOT regret his actions. He will feel a tinge of guilt when he has to explain to his current how he spent the night in Johnnie’s couch because Johnnie felt he was too drunk to drive home!…

Back to my good friend of many women… The reason my good friend always gets laid, has remained the fact that he manages to “keep in touch” with the past. He blames it all on his History teacher who apparently did a very good job with him. He was taught never to forget the past. Without the past, there is no future he says. His system, I find to be very admirable. I took it upon myself to assemble a group of some of Kenya’s finest men in which they took part in a survey to establish whether or not, a “return to a crime scene” normally leads to “another crime”. The full results as always can be found on the respected and widely quoted website www.shenzitype.co.ke.

People, today I have the honor of presenting to you, the methodology required to successfully move on… Women, I ask that you read carefully. The steps taken, I know have probably caused most of you sleepless nights as you tossed and turned thinking about your “issues”! This method, has been tried, tested and been found to be EFFECTIVE in returning to a “crime scene”.

STEP 1- Emotional Blackmail.

Guys, theirs this mama you dated a while back and for some reason you decided to end things. The easiest way to get her to have sex with you is use the “emotional blackmail technique”. Go out and get drunk on a cocktail of drinks…some approved…some NOT approved by KEBS. At some point, set a reminder to drunk dial the ex. This should preferably around one year down the road. Give her normal crap… “I’ve missed you so much” and phrases like “I’m still not over you!” will come in handy. If she smiles and giggles with you for more than TWO minutes… Then bro.. Uko ndani kama Mungatana na Chidzuga!

STEP 2- The Meeting

After your drunk dial call, follow it up the following day with another call. This time apologize for calling so late. It is here that you should put the second play into gear. Set up a date. Don’t set it three weeks in advance… just set it about two days from the day of the call. Make sure it’s a place the two of shared history and good times. That restaurant. The meeting itself should not last more than 30 minutes. Take this opportunity to grovel. But don’t make it look too ugly… just tell her how fly she looks..ignoring the obvious fact that she now weighs twice as much as before. Tell her the sweet random nothings you know she’d like to hear from you. It’s simple and effective. Leave her blushing and her nostalgic.

STEP 3- What Are You Up To?

Now, ladies, if on a Friday, at exactly 4 o’clock, a dude calls and asks “what are you up to?”…. That is a random plan you should steer clear of. However, knowing women and their love for issues, let’s face it, you will say the following words… “Nothing much! What about you…” Sister, you have just sold yourself. The wolf in sheep clothing that you dumped a year back, went, got his sheep’s clothing dry-cleaned, and you have just given him the invite to a night of nostalgia and two hours of PROBLEMS for him… TWO WEEKS of ISSUES for yourself. Dude, you are about to return to the scene of crime…

STEP 4- When Do I See You Again?

A recent survey in a leading blog- www.youstillareamoron.co.ke – indicate that come Sunday morning, approximately 67.8697% of women who got laid asked the question…”When do I see you again?” The other percentage were paid for a job well done and a small percentage didn’t bother to ask because they are stuck with the man!

The answer to this question is always interesting. Once a man has made a return to the crime scene, he has absolutely NO INTENTIONS of meeting up again in the near future. At this time my friend, the man is thinking of an escape plan… the escape plan takes many forms. From a thorough scrutiny of men’s habits, the most trustworthy escape plan is…

STEP 5- The Escape Plan

Every man should have an escape plan in place. You are not allowed to re-visit the crime any more than twice. Going back more than twice is tantamount to giving false hope. The escape plan should take the format of something rather cruel like… “I can’t meet you today. My girlfriend is in town…” or “I’m meeting my boys tonight to celebrate the birth of my son…”! If that doesn’t work, then how about trying “Today is my stag night.. si you come and be the entertainment!” That should sure as hell get rid of the ex.

What is for sure is that the Ghost Of Girlfriends Past will forever haunt any man. All men have baggage. All men deal differently with baggage. They somehow always make a way crawling back to bed with the ex. For a guy, dealing with the ex, is always a PROBLEM, for a mama dealing with the ex is always an ISSUE. The way to go about achieving harmony with the ex and ensuring that there is always “light at the end of the tunnel” is to ensure you keep all the ex at arm’s length. As Jay-Z says, always treat with the same respect the one that you humping as you treat the one that you are loving. Guys, live by the fact that all women are the same… it’s just a different toilet, same old shit!

One Knee?? NEVER! Proposals for Dummies!

“I’ll be your dream
I’ll be your wish
I’ll be your fantasy.
I’ll be your hope
I’ll be your love
Be everything that you need.
I love you more with every breath
Truly madly deeply do..
I will be strong I will be faithful
‘Cos I’m counting on a new beginning.
A reason for living.
A deeper meaning”

Savage Garden -Truly Madly Deeply.

When Raymond tells you that he always get the news first.. Don’t doubt him. He DOES get the NEWS FIRST! This is all courtesy of my friends in all the relevant low places. My latest acquisition is an original scanned copy of the Draft Constitution. Let’s just say, I know someone, who mops a certain corridor and is having a relationship with someone who mans a photocopy machine at the constitution review offices! When I got the draft, I first assembled a team of the finest and most crooked lawyers I could find-that was really easy-and they combed through it and people…my good people, why should you read it when Raymond has already read it? His detailed findings as compiled by my team of crooked constitution experts can be found on my ever so reliable website www.youarestillanidiot.co.ke

Guys, you’ve been dating a mama for dog gone years. Your folks and extended clan have been pressuring you to get married. You have been wondering why you should get married in the first place. Where’s the sense in buying a cow, when you get the milk for free anyway? Mama has also been making all sorts of hints which you are either too daft to get, or you intentionally ignore. The number of weddings you are dragged to has increased. The number of “sudden” visits by her mother have more than doubled, and you discover that she’s got your mother’s number on speed dial. So.. you do what any man in your tight corner does… PROPOSE TO HER! This has been a stumbling block for many men. How do you propose? How do you go about popping the all important question? My friends, my team of laymen comprised of highly acclaimed morons, idiots and misfits-all of who are the best in their respective fields- have made a compilation of what they now call “Proposals For Dummies!”

You realize that making a proposal is exactly like writing a draft constitution. Your life as you know it, is about to change! How do you write the first chapter of this proposed draft constitution? How does a man give up all executive powers like walking naked in his bachelor pad, having guests walk in at weird hours… you now will have a Prime minister who will have sweeping powers in the soon to be power sharing house you will call a home! A sticky issue is the number of ministers proposed. How many kids do you want? Or is she one of those broody types who will pop them as if sent by god to single handedly populate the planet! My good friends, Raymond cannot guide you in everything, but I hereby present to you, as established by my laymen… “Proposals for Dummies”. This is the Ultimate way of asking her to marry you. Choose one of the ways and you’ll be alright. The constitution making process will be smooth sailing for you. I know… how would the world be without Raymond?

1- In The Kitchen.

She’s in the Kitchen doing the dishes after cooking a meal for the gods. This is the perfect time to propose. From the living room, just say the following words… “Honey… how do you fancy doing my dishes for the rest of our lives?” In all intends and purposes.. women, that is a proposal. That is the man’s way of asking you to be his wife. Don’t be rude and start yelling your lungs out at the cheap geezer. Give him an honest answer. After all, you’ve been nudging him for the last two years. Just say..”That’s a good idea. I’d really love that…” to mean YES. Or just say..”you stupid idiot!” That will count as a NO! Of course to leave no doubt, the one track mind of a man will have one answer regardless of your YES or NO answer… “OKAY!” and back to his newspaper he will go.

2- In A Restaurant

You’ve gone for a classy date… candle lit dinner, Wine. Today you even went the extra mile and used a fork and a knife. You didn’t ask the waiters to bring you “maji ya kunawa, na ulete ka pilipili!” You are on your best behavior. Once the meal is done… guys, this is the point you pop the question… “Honey, I really enjoyed the meal. How do you fancy spending the rest of your life learning how to make me food just like that!”. Guys, as a general rule, when you are doing this…. Make sure you have extra padding under your shirt and make sure you did not drink earlier. Your reflexes need to be in good working condition. She can either… Throw a plate, a knife and fork at you.. or she will say..”That’s a great idea. I start cooking classes next week. I’d really love that…” that means YES!

3- You Might As Well

She is three months pregnant. What do you do? You propose of course. How do you propose? This is the easiest proposal to make. Just wait one morning, as she leaves the shower and grabs a towel, just ask say the following words to her… “honey..” yes..be a gentleman..always start with HONEY..”since you spend so much time here..why not make it a permanent move?” Well… The answer to that question is likely to have you explaining to your boss how you fell and hit yourself on the a chair that day. A pregnant woman and her emotions are really no joke. BUT… It will count as a proposal and she’ll call you midway through your day saying YES.

I’m sure women are wondering why I am suggesting such radical measures. Ladies… for too long, men have been influenced into doing the wrong thing by the Cuendos of this world. When a man goes down on one knee, he is forever weak. He is forever looked down upon and the marriage will have the woman wearing the trousers. The guy will soon find himself washing dishes and the woman will be making ludicrous demands in the name of equal rights. This I can no longer watch on the sidelines and allow to happen. My brothers, its time we took action. Its time we reclaimed our machismo back in our lives. Its time for us to be all macho about even the most life changing moments of our lives!

FINALLY… people, its been great writing and advising you. Unfortunately, this may be my LAST post. I am going for a job interview kesho at a leading security company. I will be in charge of the “Major Heist Division…” Over the last three or so months, they’ve somehow managed to “lose” close to 200MILLION. I’ll retire in 6 months and move to Brazil, and change my name to Raymondo or Raymondinho!

Can’t Cook Like Our Mothers… Can Drink Like Our Fathers

“Them pantyhose aint gonna last too long
If the DJ puts Bon Jovi on
She might come home in a table cloth
Ya tequila makes her clothes fall off
She’ll start with kickin’ out of her shoes
Loose an earring in her drink
Leave her jacket in the bathroom stall
Drop a contact down the sink”
Nichols Joe -Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off
I have in the past been accused of being rather draconian in my thinking! I’ve been accused of being a man stranded in an ancient time with a tyrant mentality of our forefathers and a chauvinistic mind of pre-agrarian revolution male. This could not be further from the truth. To prove a female friend of mine wrong, I offered to meet up with her on Wednesday evening. Being a mid week, I assumed it’d be a coffee date. So I went armed with a killer smile and my A-Game charm! When we finally met, being the gentleman that I am, I asked what she’d take… “Vodka!” came the answer. Okay… So she wants to have one before hitting the road. That’s fine I thought to myself. I reached to my wallet-which has borne the brunt of the world economic melt down-and bought her the drink. I asked for coffee. Strong and Black. Just like me….

Three hours later and 6 doubles of Vodka later, she started telling me her life story. As she stammered and talked-sometimes in incomplete sentences- I couldn’t help but wonder what ever happened to the woman? What happened to the woman of old who wouldn’t even dare contemplate walking into a pub? I have no qualms about a woman drinking. None at all. God knows I’ve been on the receiving end of some freaky intoxicant induced you know what, but as I have come to find out, we are living in times that would make many senior chiefs of days gone by, turn with disgust in their graves! The questions that’s been on my mind since that day is… “What ever happened to Lady?” It looks like men never really factored the full impact of some Beijing Women’s conference once upon a time. Had we known the true repercussions, then we’d NEVER have entertained our women folk going on a lavish trip to Beijing!

Do not mistake me for discouraging women going out. That’s really upon them. But, I’d like to see a modern woman who still has some sense of traditional ideologies firmly engrained in her. I’m talking of the woman who doesn’t take Pilsner, but she’ll have a glass of Red Wine or Kingfisher. Not the woman who will buy chicken from Kenchic or Galitos, but the woman who will come home, chase around the chicken you brought from shagz over the weekend for an hour, grab the chicken, wring its neck and dip in hot water and two hours later, the aroma of the chicken is attracting the attention of neighbors. Will I be asking for too much, if I said I am looking for a woman who will not want to watch soccer with me…actually scrap that…a woman who cant stand the idea of enduring 90 minutes of men running around after a leather ball all in the name of entertainment. I’m looking for a woman who will watch some lousy Mexican or Nigerian soap and who would give me an evil eye should I dare insinuate that the plot is so obvious. I mean we all know that rich Rodriguez will always fall in love with dirt poor worker called Maria, but the family will always disapprove and instead they’ll want him to marry Barbara. Not forgetting that Rodriguez’s cousin Ramon will already be having an affair with Barbara, and Maria’s mother late mother it will be revealed, had an affair once with Rodriguez’s father and so chances are high that the same Maria-who Rodriguez is in love with-is the product of this rather curious liaison. I think I got that just right!

Somebody please tell me, when it became acceptable for me to walk into the house after a drunken binge at 11, open the gate for myself, and then stagger all the way to my room and sleep. Guys can tell you what is all wrong with this scenario. First, I did not call mama to TELL her to open the gate for me. Secondly, I went straight to sleep without anybody as much as offering me a hot meal. Thirdly, nobody was there to ask where I’ve been. Fourth, nobody asked me not to even dare think of getting “something something” tonight because God knows where I’ve been and worse still, I smell like I’ve been employed as the official taster of drinks at EABL! The reason this scenario is all wrong is because I had the audacity neigh naivety to encourage the so called “modern woman” to come into my life! Meaning, I walked in wasted at 11, she on the other hand wanted to stay on and have another drink or two at the bar, and she walked in at 2 am high as a kite! She drunk all my pals right under the table and tequila shots have nothing on her. I’m I missing something here? I’m I wrong in whining about this so called “independent woman?” My people…. My good people, the Swahili proverb says, “Ukiona mwenzako ananyolewa, pia chako tia maji!” for my global readers it means…”If you see your friend being shaved, then start pouring water on your head”-A lot is lost in translation! If this drama is happening to Raymond… then guys, start prepping yourself up for some tough times up ahead!

In my recent survey, whose results are contained in detail in my website-www.youstupididiot.fo.ol-I show the number of men undergoing this emotional abuse. The survey also details the number of men with “mpango wa Kando” and the reasons for the “Mpango Wa Kando”. I think as men, its time we stood up to what we believe in. Like Chris Rock, I believe in getting “the big piece of chicken”. Like Moi, I believe in having the Mrs out of site and silently catering for my every need and turning a blind eye to my transgressions. Like the late Kamangu, I believe I should be entitled to conjugal rights at all times, regardless of the current position of the Mrs or my current situations. Like my good friend Peter, I believe that the Mrs should not doze off before I get home. She should sleep with one eye open until I get home. Once I get home, just the slightest of knocks should awake her! Call me draconian. I refuse to change with the times. Today morning, I was in a matatu recklessly driven by a miraa chewing WOMAN. When I got to town, I was sold for a newspaper by a WOMAN and I’ve just been flashed by my househelp asking about water. Guess what? He is a MAN! Things have indeed fallen apart. Our women still cant cook like our MOTHERS used to, but they surely can drink like our FATHERS!

Its Like Kama sutra… Regardless Of The Position You Still Get SCREWED!

“Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
‘Cause I saw the end before we’d begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what’s mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won’t stop there,
I am here for you if you’d only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I’ve kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I’ve been addicted to you”

James Blunt-Goodbye my lover.

Theirs something baking in the Kitchen cabinet… Sources in the know at State House, have intimated to me that when the dish is finally served on the table of Kenyans, it will bite and it will hurt! This dish seeks to serve revenge as it should be served… COLD!

I am a very well connected man. Unlike most who claim to know people in all the high places, I strive on the fact that I know people in all the low places. The difference between me and others is that I can get whatever I want done. I know the guys who mop certain corridors and will every so often hear certain things. I know guys who do photocopying for certain offices, and every so often, I get copies of documents that would scare the knickers out of any granny! Now, my latest acquisition courtesy of lowly and very well placed people at the State House itself, is a copy of the proposed Marriage Bill! I hired a team of the most crooked lawyers I could find to comb through it. This bill my friend, is the downfall of a man’s best friend- His CLANDE!

What this bill proposes is that a man can not have TWO WIVES without permission from the first wife! Now this is just ridiculous. Guys, please tell me… I beg of you, please tell me how exactly I’m supposed to go to my wife on a fine Sunday afternoon and look her straight in the eye and utter the following words… “Honey, I need your permission for something…?” “What? You wanna take up another loan?” Is what she’ll ask… “Sweetheart, you know Angie? The hot mama who you saw me with last Friday?” I’ll reply… “oh yeah, the one who was wearing a very short skirt and had half her cleavage out?” She’ll go on… “Yes Dear. Well I’d like to marry her-If that’s Okay with you…” I’ll probably say. Now from here, it gets a little bit tricky. Just a weeny bit tricky. I’ve thought about it, and in my dreams, the conversation then goes “Well sure! That’ll be great honey! I’m so happy for you. We are going to be one huge kinky family. We can have a threesome everyday!” “You are so sweet darling. I knew you’d understand!” REALITY however is that I will probably get kicked out of the house-without a court order-and I’ll be lucky to get away with all my bones intact. She’ll probably use expletives in her conversation and she’ll be wailing about how some woman is trying to ruin her family! Guys, what type of law is this? Why should the lives men be put at risk? Why are we crucifying our very well beloved Clandes?

Ladies, you must be thinking that this bill is what God’s answer to your problems. Trust me… IT IS NOT! Theirs this guy you fell madly in Love with. You are the fast rising lawyer, or engineer… he is tuck pushing papers in some government office with no hint of prosperity in sight. You hook up, get married and well, things could be better, but you are comfortable. You get that dream job you’ve been angling for in Mongolia. The money you’ll be earning is beyond your wildest dreams. This is the job that will see you move away from Lang’ata to where all new money lives… Runda! Now you pack your stuff, kiss him goodbye at the airport and off you go. You know you’ll be back in six months for some much needed rest, relaxation and some steamy you don’t even wanna guess what! So, there you are in outer Mongolia, fending for you and your hubby. You send money home every month… your hubby has bought property in Lavington-under both your names-and things are looking up. While you were away, he’s been galavanting all over the city, balling like a true player. The dude quits his job-why should he keep working for his measly pay-and soon, he hooks up with this stunning beauty. She’s straight off college and she’s spanking hot. She does things to him that you consider “gross”! She’s got her A game all out. You get back, and you say… “I want a DIVORCE!” He smiles and looks at you, and he jumps up and down… his dreams are answered! “YES!” comes his answer as he punches his fist in the air! He knows, all the property acquired while you were married will be SPLIT IN HALF! And it doesn’t end there! It gets worse. You will have to cater for his upkeep. You will have to maintain his standard. His standard and that of his new found catch! Life is a bitch aint it!

Chances are high that no sane woman will allow-and in writing no less-her one and only husband to marry another woman. This is not something she’ll even give a second thought to. Now, if she asks for a divorce and it’s the man who had the money in the relationship, then who suffers? THE CLANDE! Reality is, that most “kept women” are in the relationship for the money! It’s the car the man gives her. It’s the rent the man pays. It’s the holidays they go for together in some far flung areas of this world. Basically, she’s in it for the good life. Now, why on earth would a Clande risk loosing HALF of what she’s entitled to in the name of marriage? The math here just does not add up! Never ever! If the man divorces his wife, she goes with half his wealth and he still has to pay for her upkeep. This will mean that the Clande will walk into this guy’s life and find him miserable and angry. He’s just lost half and he may end up being played in the deal. Haven’t you heard of people who got into a 50:50 deal where the woman keeps the house and the man keeps up the mortgage payment? Or the land may divided equally and the man’s half ends being a road reserve or maybe his half just happens to be in Mau forest! The Clande will be punishing herself. She’s better off right now! As it stands, the man can just decide to marry the Clande, and she’ll be entitled to her FAIR share of the man’s worth. Property in most customs is divided as per “houses”! She’ll get half the share should the man “accidentally” fall into a pit latrine or get run over by a tractor… or die in some other crude manner- Yeah, women can be nasty! This whole bill will kill the Clande. Its going to be impossible to even have a Clande. You just might get caught and the Mrs may decide she wants a divorce. Why should I risk that anyway?

My final questions are…Why does the government want to play it rough? Why do they want to want to ruin a co-existence we enjoy. As the saying goes, If it aint broke, then don’t try to fix it! I suggest we all-yes ALL means both Men and Women-register on my online petition. www.areyoufuckinginsane.co.ke and lets stop this insanity. Lets scream out loud and be heard by the gods of Clandes and the gods of immoral justice. Lets shout to the world. We DON’T WANT THIS LAW. As the title states, this law is like the Kama sutra.  Regardless Of The Position You Take, You’ll Still Get SCREWED!