Who’s Your Daddy?

After a 6 month hiatus, I am back! The smile is back, the ego is bigger, the straight talk is sharper than the original Ninja’s blade! Lets GO!

“Hey you in the blue uniform
If I have wronged you I will reform
raia analia kilio
hey you, hey you
natambua kwamba hamna kosa, ulilofanya eh
kitambulisho wewe hicho hauna
nikufanyeje
mapato yangu nimadogo, nategemea kidogo
ni kazi yangu ujira wangu
hujakataa kosa ulilofanya
hujakataa chini umeshaketi
hujakataa kitambulisho hana
nitakuseti raia, fuata sharia”

Blue Uniform- Sauti Sol

I recently had the chance to assemble a panel of eminent personas. Now, in choosing my panel, I had to undertake rigorous background checks and I had to make sure that the panel was representative of the male folk.

To be a member of this elite advisory committee, one had to meet all the following requirements; Be banned in at least three Kenyan Counties. Have at least three children from two different women, and finally, have the same moral standards as a Hyena.

Kenyans, we have a solution… my panel can be found at www.wanau.me . Follow the link!

On to matters at hand;

Recently, I was with my panel. One panel member surprised us all. he told us how he was in the course of handling his business and was feeling pretty proud of himself. He though he was giving a sterling performance, and happened to ask what should ideally be a rhetoric question. He asked… “who’s you daddy?…” and guess what? He got a reply! “Baba shiko…”!

Yes we were in shock. The entire panel took a step back, had a sip of beer… and looking at my panel, I could tell, it was like dagger straight to the each panelist’s heart!  How cruel can a woman be? Why couldn’t she just fake it and let him feel like a man. Why did she have to respond and respond with an incorrect no less!

The matter being weighty, we could not postpone but tackle the issue immediately. This was more urgent than the implementation of the constitution. The constitution only affects Kenya. This was to affect all of huMANity. We had to come up with a way forward. The egos and well being of men all over was at stake. No man, whether he be from shanty towns of Timbuktu or the metropolis of New York. Whether he is from the belly of the earth itself, or considers the moon his abode. No man, should ever again suffer the indignity of having an incorrect answer to the question… “Who’s Your Daddy…”

I present the brief of our directives which shall be applied across the worlds. The detailed contents of the directives can be found at www.kuweniserious.info.ke

Eject Mass Storage Device

The first thing all men are to do whenever faced with what we shall from here henceforth refer to as an incorrect answer, is quickly EJECT mass storage device. No trying to redeem yourself. An insult like that is not to be taken lightly. No sense in saving anything.

Johnny Bravo Moment

After the knockout punch that is an “incorrect answer” what one needs to get right back up, is a “Johnny Bravo” moment. How? Simple… random fornication with quick kills like mboches,ex-girlfriends (Meaning your ex mboches) and a visit to the “right hand gymnasium” should do just fine. Once you have gone around behaving like an idiot of a human being, you are now back on your feet and can start scheduling a re-match against the said Miss. Incorrect Answer. For the re-match, this is what the panel strongly recommends…

Re-Match Time

Given that you have more than a point to prove, you will need to be at your best. You need to buy enough stock of the infamous Mukhobero herb. This is to be found in Western Kenya and is said to be the cause of the “Muliro Gardens Saga”.  You are to partake of this herb religiously. Have it like mediaction. After breakfast, after lunch and after dinner. Actually, scrap that. Have it instead of meals! Next and very importantly, you need to invest in Peanuts. You will not have margarine on bread, but instead, have Peanut Butter. You will have some peanut butter sauce to go with lunch as well. Next, I suggest you invest in Yoghurt. One lesson we have learnt from “Muliro Gardens” is that Yoghurt is some form of aphrodisiac!

Now you are ready to make the call! You are ready for the re-match.

Again I ask…

If on re-match day and after pumping your body with chemicals meant to stimulate the system, you again ask… “who’s your daddy…” and you get an answer “Bado ni Baba Shiko tu…” said as she continues knitting or filing her nails, then my good friend, I have some advice for you… Resort to the solace and comfort of what is commonly referred to in I.T as “Local Hosting!”.

You have obviously hit a brick wall and found “server error”. The good thing about “local Hosting” is that you can be your own super star. You can do the un-imaginable with Dettol Soap as Julie soothes you… You can stare at Wahu’s Airbrushed body and make her sweat!!… Heck, you can use panga soap and “local host” to an elderly mother! You will be the super star and holder of your own fate. Interesting what Wanjiru’s mother will have as answer if you ask “who’s my Daddy??..”

Great to be back… I’m out!