Confessions of The Other Woman

 

“I know you like me (I know you like me)
I know you do (I know you do)
That’s why whenever I come around
She’s all over you (she’s all over you)
I know you want it (I know you want it)
It’s easy to see (it’s easy to see)
And in the back of your mind
I know you should be on with me (babe)

Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?
Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?
Don’t cha?
Don’t cha?
Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me?
Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me?
Don’t cha?
Don’t cha?”

Don’t Cha- Pussy Cat Dolls Feat Busta Rhymes

For ages, I shared my thoughts, my feelings, my ups and my downs with you on my blog… Recently, I had a chat with a friend of mine. She is a gorgeous woman and one look at her, you’ll be picking your jaw off the ground. We got talking and she sent me her story on E-mail… It is riveting stuff. I suggest you take up a comfortable position and read this. I wonder what commission I should form to look into this… www.takecareofyourman.org?

Hi. My name is Elly.

I’m a 20-something years old Nairobi girl. I work here, I play here. Just a kawaida girl.
And one of those kawaida things I did that made me very much a Nai girl was that for 4 years I was the dreaded Other Woman. We shall call him Stan.

I met Stan at a birthday party that my then boyfriend dragged me to. Let’s call him Mine. The birthday boy was his close friend and he wanted to show me off to his boys. I learned later that they had a sort of rivalry on girls they hooked up with. Ken and hang out though they were not very close friends.

Stan had an affinity for yellow yellow women so I grabbed his attention from the moment I got there. So he made his way towards me. He had a quick wit so he got my attention and we cracked jokes the whole night. He made a few remarks that could be considered flirting but I didn’t take him seriously. After all I didn’t think someone would be bold enough to hit on a chic that was with her boyfriend. By the end of the night he had asked for my number. I gave it to him but being the nice girlfriend that I was, I told Mike about it. I later found out that they had a huge row about it. And it strengthened his resolve to pursue me. But he bid his time and finally he got his opportunity a few weeks later when Mike and I broke up. He called me up seemingly randomly and asked if I wanted to have coffee. I agreed and so we started communicated regularly. He had told me about his girlfriend early on so I hadn’t really thought that he was serious. He was a great guy and we became good friends. And we managed to keep it platonic.

That was until my birthday. As I mentioned earlier, I had broken up with Mike. So I was in some state and Stan did a good job of being a shoulder to cry on. He would cheer me up and listen to my endless lamentations and sometimes even hold me when I cried. He also did a good job of building my confidence and helping me build my self esteem. On my birthday, everybody forgot about it. My friends, even my family. Except him. He asked me to go see him at his house and he had planned this whole day for me. He cooked for me and watched my favourite movies and he had a gift for me. He turned a bad day into a memorable one. That was the first time I slept with him. He still had a girlfriend.

I’ve tried to rationalize what happened but I can’t find an answer. A list of excuses like I was on the rebound, I was emotional. But I don’t have a good answer. Things just happened and once we started we couldn’t stop. We had amazing chemistry. Before that I would have sworn that I would never date another woman’s man. I had never cheated on any of my boyfriends, so the thought of helping a man cheat had been abhorrent. A while later, he told me he had wanted me from the time he saw me. Something just drew him to me. He said he had never cheated before but I didn’t believe him. Maybe he was looking for a quick lay. And at first I felt guilty and scolded myself for being stupid. But neither of us could predict just how important we would become to each other.

We managed to keep our affair a secret for a couple of months. For one, we didn’t want my ex to find out. And we had many mutual friends and we knew if people started talking his girl would find out. And it was exciting sneaking around. There was a time I was going to his house and ran into one of his boys. I made up some relatives who lived in the area as an excuse since I lived at the opposite side of town. His boy even invited me to Stan’s place. It was hard to keep a straight face. He was honest about his girlfriend and sometimes we talked about her. He would tell me when they were having problems and I would give him advice. But we never discussed her details, what she was like. I didn’t want to know her, didn’t want her to become a real person. She was an abstract to me. Always there but never affected me directly. I don’t know how I managed to stay so detached cos before that I was very possessive of my men. We planned our outings around her; he would let me know when he was available but never made me feel I should be at his disposal. I was allowed to be busy. And he promised me that he would never allow a situation where I would meet her and have drama. And apart from one occasion he managed to keep his word. Granted, I was curious about her, but vaguely. Her presence never affected me and we tried to make sure mine didn’t affect her. And for 4 yrs we somehow managed to co-exist. She eventually got to know about my presence but I became an annoying friend. But she was hostile towards me. Maybe her intuition told her there was more. But since she never met me she had no way of confirming. There was a time I called him and she picked up. She gave me some serious words so I hang up. But she never considered me a threat enough to demand he stopped associating with me.

Maybe it started as a fling but slowly our relationship became more. People started to find out about us. My girls, of course, tried to talk some sense to me. I wouldn’t listen. By this time I was in too deep. I met his parents, his siblings. But somehow his girl never found out. I hang out with him and his boys. At first they treated me like a temporary fancy. But after a while they realized there was more to it. To this day I cannot define what we were. We were best friends, lovers, and confidants. We would have 3hr long conversations every day. We would text, and IM and email. We saw each other at least 2 3 times a week. We loved each other. Once in a while we had fights and didn’t talk for weeks. But we missed each other too much. I hooked up with other guys once or twice. We would stop having sex, but continue being in each other lives. My boyfriends met him as my best friend. He would be there to give me advice about the men, and when the new dude broke my heart, he was there to help me pick the pieces. He later told me that he hated when I linked up with someone but he felt that he was in no position to tall me anything. There was a time we stayed for a year without having sex. But it never changed anything between us. Never changed how he treated me. He was still there for me, gave me the same kind of attention as before. I was very happy.

And then one day, he called me and told me we meet later in the evening cos he had something he wanted to talk to me about. I immediately knew it was something about his girlfriend. I thought maybe they had had a fight because things haven’t been smooth for them for some months. So I met him ready with my shoulder in case he needs it. I should have known something was wrong because of how he talked to me. He wasn’t his usual easy going self. He jumped from one topic to the other. “I’m getting married” He dropped the bomb. It took me a minute or two to digest it. It was the last thing I had expected. “What, when, how?” I sputtered.

It turned out that they had gotten engaged 2 months prior. He was supposed to go pay dowry that coming weekend. Turned out he didn’t tell me everything. He apologized for keeping me in the dark and said he wasn’t sure how I would react. I wasn’t sure either so I splattered a huge smile on my face and congratulated him. What else would I have done, he was my best friend and he was getting married. The next few weeks were crazy for me. I didn’t allow myself to feel the ball of pain at the pit of my stomach. See, we had never defined our relationship. We didn’t need to. We just were and we were happy with that. So since we never made any promises I didn’t feel like I could say anything. But something changed after tha. First I was upset that he hadn’t told me about such an important thing. I was his best friend, didn’t I deserve to know? He had opened a rift that day. I found myself thinking back the four years and wondering what I had gained from all this. And for the first time I questioned what I really meant to him. I started having doubts that had never occurred to me before. Questioning what he felt for me. But I never showed him this. As far as he was concerned we were good. He was also busy with wedding plans so he didn’t notice the change.

The week before the wedding I threw him a bachelor’s bash. Yes. I organized with his boys and gave him a bachelor’s party. Even took him to a strip club. Let him to do all the things that dudes do in a bachelor’s bash. Then went home and made love to him. For the last time, though I didn’t know it at that time.

Two days later I was having lunch with my girlfriends at a popular restaurant. Halfway through the lunch, my pal who was sitting opposite me suddenly said “Shit.” I looked up and saw her looking behind me. Don’t look back but Grace- Stan’s girl- just walked in” Of course I turned back. And I wish I hadn’t. I was looking at an obviously pregnant girl. At least 7 months pregnant. To this day I don’t know how I got out of the restaurant and got home. I thought back to the one time I got pregnant and he had asked me to get an abortion. He wasn’t ready for kids. And I felt our relationship would get messed up with all the drama. So I got rid of it. I don’t know why this hit me hard. I could forgive him everything but not this. How could he have a baby with someone else?

I sent him a text and congratulated him on his baby. And then, I switched off my phone. When I switched it back had several missed calls and text messages. And many voicemails. I deleted them without ready. He tried to call me every day. He finally sent a long email trying to explain what happened. It cut me deep to my heart but I never responded. On the day of his wedding, I went out of town. I know I was running away but there was no way I could handle it. I knew many of our mutual friends would try to call me. So I left my phone behind. And that weekend I finally let myself weep. I wept for what we had. I wept for the stupid girl I was. I wept for the 4 yrs of my life I will never get back. I hated him for how he handled the whole situation, for not telling me what had happened. I felt stupid for not knowing something was up. I hated him for ruining for yrs in just 4 months. But I still loved him. I loved him for the person he helped me become.

I especially wept because I knew I will never see him again.

I’ve never seen Stan again. It’s been 2 years since, and there are times and I still miss him. He left a hole in my heart that has been hard to fill. I have loved others, but there has never been another Stan. I don’t think there ever will be. And I know I should be ashamed for what I did to the other woman or regret those 4 years but I don’t. You see, all the men I have dated, I have loved, Stan treated me and loved me better than all of them put together. And I can’t regret that.