Then Put A Ring On It…

“Mpenzi wangu mimi kweli nakupenda
Unajua ndo mana wanitesa
Sio siri honey wanipa Pressure, Pressure,
Pressure…
(Banana)
Pressure, Pressure, Pressure ya nini X2
Nakutesa tesa na nini…?
Mbona mpenzi huniamini?
(Hafsa)
Nakupenda, nakuheshimu lakini huna aibu
Nakupenda, nakuheshimu lakini sina imani
tena na wewee!
(Banana)
Kama zamani na sasa kuna tofauti
nisamehe..!
Kama zamani na sasa kuna tofauti
tumalizee tofauti zetu ehh!
Mimi na weweee!…..tofauti zetu ehh!

Pressure- Hafsa Feat Banana

It is said that when God created Saturn, he liked it and so he put a ring on it. That’s in the good book aint it? Well, if its not, then it really ought to be.

People, my good people, I am a shattered man. I am a troubled soul. It seems more and more of my friends are succumbing to society’s call and getting hitched. I am not the biggest fan of marriages for I believe “Happily ever after” is nothing but a myth created by ladybird books to mold young minds into expecting the impossible. Long story short…actually, many stories yet to be told, my good friend has decided to tie the knot with his better… actually much much much better half… because even I confess, the lady he is getting hitched to is gorgeous.

Now, I am reminded of another friend who just shattered and bruised my ego. This man, who for security reasons I shall not name, decided to propose atop Mt. Kenya. Women are probably wishing their man/men-tick whichever may be applicable-would do something that “romantic”, but men everywhere are probably with me in thinking that brother gone and lost his darn mind. He has been korogewad a mix of Kamuti, dawa za miti shamba na dawa za farasi and force fed the concoction. One can however look at it from two angles, the first is that she says YES and she tells all her friends how brilliant a man you are, thereby increasing the value of your stock, or she can say NO, and you know what? Leave her on top of Mt. Kenya to make her way down. Win-Win situation don’t you think?

As it stands, more of us will buckle under pressure from society and they will get married. So I might as well publish the findings of a survey I have conducted over the three minutes, twenty seconds of my rather illustrious life. The full conclusions can be found on www.vishapete.info.ke

The Proposal

Now, before embarking on a journey to Mt. Kenya, I suggest that you allay all fears by giving Ciku of Classic Fm a call. Try and bust her. If in the course of conversation she does not say “Oh My God…” then you can proceed with the journey. If however she pulls an Agnes on you, then you my friend are off the hook. Grab a torch and keep searching.

If you my good friend, are intend to go all out, then I suggest you hire a chopper to drop you somewhere near the summit. This is not for show. Its an insurance policy my friends. Should you after doing your due diligence on her-courtesy of national radio-she still says no, and with her no comes a host of excuses, then just be a jerk ass and do the obvious… call the chopper and leave her at Lenana peak. I’m sure from the aching on her feet and the corns that will develop as she finds her way down, she will reconsider her stand. She will know how it feels to really be without you. This is the proposal a “La Mujer De Me Vida…”

For the men considered less romantic, they will be tempted to do a proposal a la “Wewe si mbaya sana”… Basically, this is where the guy just says… “When do you take leave we get this whole marriage business over and done with?”

How I cant wait to one day sit in a pub and have a drink with Mr “La Mujer” proposal and Mr “Sio Mbaya Sana” proposal and hear how things are going!

Meet The Parents

When she says “Yes”, the next hurdle is set. Its time to go meet the parents and declare your intentions. One of the ways not to go about it, is by suggesting to her parents that should they want to get grand children, then they should accept that their daughter will have to lose her virginity. No parent wants to hear this.

Dowry issues tend to be a stumbling block. It is said that daughters of a certain community go for as much as 1M Kenya Money! Now, if a man is asked for dowry of about that much, how is he expected not to walk away? Luckily for all men facing this predicament, I have partnered with a well known micro-finance bank. I am offering “Mkopo Wa Bibi”. This is also known as the “Bamba Ma-Inlaws” loan! The bank I’m in talks with, is already talking of rolling out the product under the tag line, “Bibi Leo, Lipa Kesho” and “We help you say… I DO!”…

Should you need a dowry loan, then all you need to do is give me a shout and I will even accept to be a part and parcel of the negotiations. All to help a brother! It is known that if you take a car loan and fail to repay it, the bank will reposses you car. Should you default on your “dowry loan”, then… I’ll have to take possession of your wife wont I? Actually, some people may realize that they married a bad woman and they’ll gladly hand her over.

The Wedding

I have this theory that marriage is like being on a vegetarian diet. You get all offerings of all that’s good for you, but nothing of what you really want. Studies have shown that married men tend to live longer than single men. Can you imagine a vegetarian diet and the cook has refused to even throw in a Royco Beef Cube just for the flavor and pretence? So, would you rather be single and absolutely miserable, or be married, live long and hope with every ounce in your body to die?

Now, you’ve proposed, you’ve met the family and its D-Day… If I was to get to this point, then I would obviously insist on the quick and efficient trip to the A.Gs chambers. Just two witnesses and you are good to go. However, women are hell bent on being on “The Wedding Show” or some magazine cover. In this era of democracy, and new constitutions, men are finding themselves more inclined to ask silly questions like… “Do we do a big wedding or just save money and go to the A.Gs chambers?” I don’t know what kind of answer a man would expect, but I think its as redundant as three hungry wolves and one fat sheep voting on what to have for dinner. So I’m guessing grand wedding it is!

The Happily Ever After

Welcome to the mirage… If you think she will forever wear those tight fitting clothes that she does.. then you are so wrong. A year into marriage, and she will buy a dozen of those lessos with a message in Swahili that says… “wanawake tuendelee mbele..” and before you know it, she will have kitambaa that’s yellow in color with “Mothers Union” written at the top.

You’ll still have good meals right? WRONG! Leftovers, take aways and pot roast meals will be the order of the day. When you are going out with her, when she says dinner will be ready in thirty minutes, she actually means an hour, and the neighbors will always be tempted to pop in. When you get married, dinner in an hour, will mean in thirty minutes. Everything will be thrown into one sufuria and served. Don’t tell me you’ve not been to a Kyuk house and eaten Githeri, with potatos, cabbages and carrots all mixed. I rest my case.

Regular sex perhaps? As you cling to on that last bastion of hope… As you champion all lost causes, you will be thinking that sex on order will be the consolotation prize. WRONG again. Before the kids come, it’ll be sporadic sex at the very least. After the kids are born, it’ll be headache after red robot after “I’m tired”. You will have sex when she wants. On this point, I’m again tempted to wonder how exactly women say no to sex… Guys, when cleaning your ears with a cotton bud, amongst the two, who enjoys more? Is it the ear or the cotton bud? Again… I rest my case!

I have respect for the institution of marriage. I know that someday, yours truly will be dragged kicking and screaming to the altar. Until then, I remain steadfast and strong in my cause. For now, I congratulate my pal Eric and the lovely Anita on taking the next step. My boy Don-Kibe is next in line… I will RSVP to your bachelor parties, I however cant guarantee attendance at the wedding.