She Is What She Drinks

niambie leo inaanza kutubamba saa ngapi
na mamanzi unawaleta ka wangapi
ukikam na wale ma-twins mambo safi
nyundo leo inashikana na makabati
Friday kabla nitoke lazima nimevaa jo
huwezi jua naeza angukia manzi virgo
na hawa mamanzi hawapatikani kwa bar jo

Furahiday- Nonini Ft Nameless

It is interesting how conversations in the local pub normally gravitate towards how guys can score an easy lay! The beauty with the local, is that its patronage consists of “locals” who live within crawling distance! This by default means that should you get lucky, you can leave your drink halfway, do a quickie in your place and be back before your beer gets cold! Oh how I love the local!

Now, the past weekend saw me with at my now infamous local and as I sat with my boys, we assessed the bevy of women in the pub. I’m way past using those flimsy pick up lines and I believe “less is more”… YES, less talk and more of getting straight to the point. Guys, I have come up with the perfect way to spot a “chips funga” in a pub! YES, I told you before, I am like Stanchat… I am here for good! I have published my findings in the world respected journal “H.E.R.S” (Harvard Edition of River Rd Surveys). Kindly get your copy next month. As for the present, snippets of my findings are available on www.youneverlearn.co.ke

In my survey, I conclude that a woman in a club, is WHAT SHE DRINKS! Yes…forget all that crap about the educated, the classy, the ghetto and how they need to be treated differently. This, my people, is the real deal! What she drinks, is who she is as far as “chips funga mara that that” goes…

Smirnoff Black Ice – Panty Remover

She is probably a college girl or fresh out of college. She still thinks that beer tastes bitter and thanks to good old peer pressure, she believes getting high and having fun are directly related. This means that the more she takes, the merrier she gets. This girl will hang out with a crew of friends numbering 5 and will be having a so called “girl’s night”! Little does she know that guys are on the prowl. The moment the D.J plays “Bend Over” and she gets down like she is in an X-Rated music video banned on MTv, that’s your cue to swoop in and guys, all you need is an investment of TWO more drinks and the girl’s night will come to an abrupt end! She will wake up the following knowing the answer to the question… “Why is Black Ice called the panty remover?”.

Tusker Malt/Heineken- The Pretender

This is the kind of elitist woman… I say elitist meaning that she has this inner belief that she is above the Smirnoff ice bracket. She thinks herself as mature and has stopped consuming “cheap liquor”! Guys, you can thank Raymond that he has seen right through this charade! This woman is likely to be above 25, and she has consumed a few drinks in her lifetime and “settled” on Tusker Malt as her choice! She is not yet a seasoned vet although she has some twisted thought that she is. She thinks she is a lady and after three drinks, my friend, you should move in and bring out the freak in her! All it takes is again two more drinks…and some of the dumbest pick up lines in the book and my friend, you are good to go! The main encumbrance to progress will be that this woman has this notion of “hanging out with her boys”! Yes…as she climbed up the ladder from hanging out with the girls, she discovered that she had a string of one night stands enough to become her so called boys. If one of her “boys” was hoping to get laid, then that’s a major cock-blocker…The way around this though, is to strategically position yourself. Yeah…chill out on the path to the ladies and every time she passes, drop a silly line. Women have weak bladders and after the third trip to the ladies, she will engage you in meaningless conversation! Take the chance and she’ll take the leap! Change of tables and you are her way home…via your place of course.

Cock-Tails/Wine/Gin and Tonic/Viceroy – Cock-Blocker Vs Wingman

If she’s having those funny named drinks that only ethnic Albanians can pronounce, then trust me, you have your work all cut out for you. I say this because this girl is never alone. If she is drop dead gorgeous and from the eye contact you’ve been making, you know your optical romance is spot on…trust me my friend, she is surrounded by the ultimate cock-blockers! Yes I said it! She will be surrounded by some of the loudest foul mouthed women you have ever come across. Even worse is that those surrounding her, will have a particular trait…the louder she is, the uglier she is. The deeper the accent, the uglier she is. The more the attitude, then my friend, trust me, the more she is kilogram enhanced!

How do you go round these cock-blockers? First, be patient. Second, call up a friend of yours who know is willing to “take one for the team”. Your luck, is directly related to your friend’s bad luck. You need to employ the services of your most trusted wing man! The wing man should be a dude whose sense of morality is debatable. Hmmm..is that why I’m normally the wing man??…That’s for another day. The wing man, must be willing to “chips funga” one of the fat ugly ones for you to have any chance with the targeted mama. The wingman will be the decoy. He will give his best shot at the loud mouth as you give your best vibe. The moment the tequila and Viceroy set in, the loud mouthed who has suddenly found herself full of attention she craved but never expected, will say the following… “Raymond is taking me home”! That my friend should tell you that you are good to go. Everyone wins…though the wingman normally pays the highest price. Drinks better be on you the following weekend. And that’s how to tame the cock-blockers that drink cock-tails!

Tusker/Pilsner/Summit- Maybe, probably NOT!

She’s been there, done that and bought the T-shirt to go along with it. From the moment she walks into the club or pub, she knows if she’ going to get laid or not. She knows if she wants to get nailed or not. She knows who she’ll go home with.  She is in the know and doesn’t pretend otherwise. She is probably over 28 years. She probably does a very boring job and is forthright and can not be described as uptight! She will engage you in chit chat and will buy her own drinks. Whoever goes home with her, will find a prude and a very conservative woman.

If looking for a “chips funga,” I tell you my friend, kindly avoid this type. Only she determines what happens. Your best bet is not getting her drunk, nope…its engaging her in deep and meaningful conversation. If you are well versed with the happenings at the stock exchange or have some inside information about the lead story on the day’s Business Daily, then you stand a great chance, though not a guarantee! With this kind of woman, you my friends, I leave to your own devices! Good luck and Godspeed.

Guinness/Senator Keg/Citizen Special- Beyond Reach!

Hi…My name is Tommy How, and I search the pubs for opportunities and talent, but I didn’t expect to find so much of it here! I never expected to see beer drank with so much passion. Here, give a girl half a chance and she takes it! Where there’s a drop of greatness in every man, you’ll find a bucket of crap in every woman.

If you think you have a shot with a woman who drinks the above named brews….then you probably saw the pink elephants on Uhuru Highway and believed that the world would end in the year 2000.

This women will drink you and the lot of your friends right under the table! She is not an economically viable project to pursue. You think that after the seven drinks she’s bought herself, another two drinks and sweet nothings will seal the deal for you. Big mistake! She will not only drink your wallet empty, she will drink your friend’s wallets dry! She will then leave you and go to another pub where she will continue imbibing and drowning in alcohol. She will then call you up bright and early the next following day and ask if you got home okay and obviously enquire if you’ll be buying her a drink or two! Yeah right! She can handle her alcohol better than you handle yours. This woman, is not “chips Fungarable”! She can make a grown man cry! Regardless of her looks, her demeanor or her laugh, you aint getting none! She is a pro.

Should you find yourself, in strange surroundings though, do not claim bragging rights. Truth is that you as a man were “Chips Fungwad” and you are at her place and she’s about to kick you out! Roles have been reversed my friend and it is you, that has to do the morning “Walk of shame”!

Finally my friends, I dare say I have armed you with the ammunition needed to play the pub scene! Ladies, we know you are what you drink, you may deny it, but Raymond knows best! It is a wait and see game in the pub. After all, in a club, WOMEN GET HAMMERED AND MEN GET NAILED! Deuces!

Why do I do this? I do for the sake of all men in society. I do it for those who want, those who believe and those who do not want to believe! I do it, because I am number ONE! I do it, because you make me NUMBER ONE! Doubt it? Click HERE!