The Key, The Padlock And A Woman’s Value.
Posted by: raymondchepkwony on: February 1, 2010
Put It In..Twist And Turn!
“You thought, you could
Keep this shit from me, yeah
Ya burnt bitch, I heard the story
Ya played me, ya even gave him head
Now ya askin for me back
Ya just another act, look elsewhere
Cuz ya done with me”
(Ef It)Don’t Want You Back- Eamon
The good news is… I am back at the local. In December I partook of alcohol on credit and so in January… I was on escape mode. However, January is gone and I am back at the local and I am surprised at the volume bad vibe I have missed out on! Seriously people… It is important to sit with the “wazees”at the local as often as possible for in so doing…you gain wisdom and you gain an indepth knowledge of “stuff” beyond the wisdom of Wikipedia. On my first visit back to the local, I chose to sit with some hotties. I had to see if they still had love for me… One hottie asked me an interesting question… “Why is it that when a man sleeps around, he is hailed as a King, and when a woman does the same… She is a WHORE!” Her words NOT MINE…but, they could’ve been mine!
Raymond is as yet to find a question he couldn’t answer. These hotties had obviously been around the block… if you catch my drift… and so they were looking for answers to soothe their bruised reputation-whatever little was left anyway-and in a way, I think they expected a gentlemanly response from me… Of course it occurred to me that by giving a soothing answer, I had a shot at a threesome… that’s a story for another day though… I told the ladies I’d give them an appropriate response at an appropriate time. I hereby submit my appropriate response to them.
I once had a padlock that was called “ORIV”. Now, we all know the original padlocks are called “VIRO”. Now this padlock was the most takataka padlock ever. Seriously speaking, I could use a Tri-Cycle key to open the darned thing. Whenever I slotted in a Solex key… Open Sesame…whenever I used a car Key… Open Sesame. It was such a bad padlock that it got to a point I really didn’t have to use a key anymore. All I needed to do was just gently pull the padlock and it’d snap open in an instant!
Let me take you a few years back… way way back to my High School days! Now, I had this key that opened many lockers. This key ensured that I never starved to death and I owe my rugby playing body heavily to that key. Now, because I was able to open other people’s lockers, I had access to other people’s stash of chapos and junk food! I know some of my mates are going to kill me…but I was touched by the word today and had to let it out! Its been a burden carrying the secret with me-Okay, I just lied-but either way… I managed to survive four years of high school with relative ease! Thanks to my super KEY.
Now, I hope you don’t think I was telling the above two stories for no good reason. Here is where the cookie crumbles… read on my people…
When you have a Key that opens everywhere… that magical key should be used to open as many padlocks as possible. Use it to open bank vaults if you so wish. We will honour you and your key. However, should you have a padlock that is pried open with ease by any key, then let’s face it people…that padlock really has no value. It is only good for temporary relief and you can only use it in case of emergencies. Sometimes, when you can’t find your Solex padlock… or your steel enforced padlock, then you have to resort to your temporary ORIV padlock…but you shouldn’t at anytime be fooled or duped into using that padlock as a permanent solution to a temporary solution. You will suffer the indignity of having your padlock opened by the multitudes that may choose to do so!
People… A man is a lot like the KEY! If a key opens many padlocks, it is referred to as a “MASTER KEY”. A woman is a lot like the Padlock. You see, when a man is meant to go on to the world and open as many padlocks as he possibly can. It is a man’s quest to become the ultimate MASTER KEY. It is on the other hand… the ultimate quest for a woman to become the Enforced Padlock… only opening a limited few and select keys… Men will always try to outdo each other… see whose key opens the most doors…whose key is bigger. The competitions are endless. Men even compete on weird twisted levels like whose key can open big padlocks, married padlocks… at the end of the day; we all need to face the reality. It is a man’s duty if not calling to behave like a padlock. It is his primary goal in life to wiggle into and twist in and out of as many padlocks as he possibly can. A woman however, has to ensure that as few keys as possible turn her padlock! It is in being rarely pried open that a padlock gets its worth! A padlock’s worth can be directly attributed to the number of keys out there that can open it! The fewer the keys, the more valuable the padlock is! FACT OF LIFE…
Now, if you’ve not gotten the moral of my Key and Padlock tales, well, I kindly suggest that you log on to www.dumbass.co.ke. I have a full and detailed analysis of the theory there. For now, let me sign off. Raymond has a padlock to open…and that padlock claims to be brand new, but from the look of it and the ease to which it has accepted my offer to open, I think it is more of an ORIV type padlock rather the Solex I am accustomed to. Drastic times however, call for more than drastic measures!
Follow me on twitter-chepkwonyr and on facebook-Ray Chepkwony
Cream Of The TV Crop
Posted by: raymondchepkwony on: January 27, 2010
“My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I’m sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won’t lose no sleep on that,
‘Cause I’ve got a plan.
You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don’t know what to do,
‘Cause I’ll never be with you.”
James Blunt- Youre Beautiful
People, my absence from the blogging scene has not been without good reason. Being your faithful servant, I was on a mission. A noble mission actually. I embarked on a journey to un earth the gems of Kenyan Television. For the past month, I have sat in my living room glued to the Television and awarding points to Kenya’s finest television personalities! You see, I first had to come up with a rigorous scoring system so as to be objective in my eventual score. I developed a scientific system, which CNN is borrowing to recruit its news Anchors. The details as ever, are on the website www.newyearsameidiot.co.ke.
I watched hours and hours of television and without much ado, let me usher in the top Television Hoties as judged by the “Raymond Effect Scoring System”-Patent Pending-and here goes…
The M.I.L.F
For those of you that do not know the meaning of M.I.L.F, I suggest that you hit google. In this category, two TV hotties stood out. They are not just gorgeous, they have a certain aura of motherhood about them that keeps them looking hotter by the day. Its like motherhood has brought out the finesse in them… Two women made this auspicious list…
1- Julie Gichuru
Lets face it… She has poor Swahili skills,but she is so well put together that watching news is enjoyable. Its how the words roll out of her tongue. Her poise says that she’s a lady. She’s firm and is aging so gracefully… She is the very definition of Easy on the eye and easy on the heart. From when we first heard her as Julie Butt,then Julie Gathoni and now Julie Gichuru. This TV personality is just fine… Raymond Effect gives her a score of 6.8.
2- Beatrice Marshall
Flash back a couple of years ago…. KBC has this lanky television presenter… She is kinda hot, but lets face it, with KBC,you can never really know. And then Beatrice Tarkwen joins KTN… Lights, camera,make-up,clothing and WOW! She has perfected elegance. She has perfected her poise. She towers above her peers. This jaw dropping hottie lookslike she can strut the streets of Nairobi on 6 inch heels and then get home,and cook one of those meals that Chef Ramsay himself will find tasty! She also does look like she can bump and grind your brains away!…. Raymond Effect gives you a salute and a score of 7.1
The Timeless Hotties…
These category has two mamas who we have been ogling at for ages and we still cant get enough of them. Seriously speaking… there are some beauties on TV whose charm seems to just roll on and they only seem to get better with the years.
Peninah Karibe
This weather-girl turned news anchor is just….what can I say….I am at a loss for words. When as a weather girl, she said “expect lightning” she didn’t say how long it was going to last. She gave me a jolt when wearing those tight trousers, she turned away and from camera and we got a chance to see that glorious butt! This mama has a smile that even elephants at the National park cant resist. Why do you think she’s always getting to do those stories about wild animals? Her charm is irresistible even to wild animals. She looks like she can crack one hell of a joke…and go on and screw the laugh out of you. She doesn’t come across as a lady, she comes across as someone who is hot and knows it! My dear peninah, the Raymond Effect stands up…lightning still running through my system…and awards you a 6.9!
Janet Mbugua
A friend recently told me that I am soft on anyone with the name Janet. I admit that I am… But people, lets face it…Janet Mbugua cuts the image of a “A lady in the streets, and a freak in the sheets”! This lady has that look… the look that simply say, “come closer…you know I’m good for you…”. She somehow draws you close…. I was watching news one day…and I realized that I couldnt hear a word she was saying.. I was stuck watching those luscious lips move,I was staring at her never ending legs… I was trapped in the realm of “Janet Mbugua”. She is unmatched on TV. Imagine her with a smile on her face and lingerie telling you….”Come on closer….” I need a glass of water right about now! A very distracted Raymond Effect gives you a score towering above everyone else. 8.9!
Diamonds On The Rough
Some hotties need to work on “something..”. I dont know what this something really is…but they seem to lack that extra edge. They are on the 50:50 brink. They may make it on to the list of gorgeous hotties…or be resigned to the list of “others”!
Zipporah Muthui
99% of you probably dont know her. Heck, if it wasnt for me being thorough, I wouldnt know her either. Anyway, Raymond is here for you all. This is the weather girl at…wait for it….wait for it…..KBC! I stumbled upon her lovely self whilst I was waiting for soccer to start. Her soft demeanour masks a gem in the rough. Sweetie, make that application to Ntv or KTN. Kidogo make-up,kidogo Nairobi Stalls…and you’ll be quacking my earth! Dont say you were never told! Raymond Effect sympathises with you… 4.2
Edith Kimani
A rule of showbiz is ALWAYS BE NICE TO MAKE-UP! This whole nonsense of you looking perpetually pale on screen just has to stop. Make-up at KTN makes you up to look like a corpse. You are a living being…Theirs no excuse for make-up that makes you look more like a painting! Too much make-up…you are trying way way too hard. Take it easy…be patient. One step at a time. Easy will do it. You have time to learn from the best. Don’t rush perfection. You have to make the transition from being CUTE…to being HOT! Theirs a difference. Being CUTE means I want to use a feather on you…being HOT means I want to use the whole CHICKEN on you! Raymond Effect gives you a score of 3.6234564
The Finest Of Them ALL
It was tough coming up with “The one”. Being Raymond, I realized that I had to do it for my people. My people are waiting… I zeroed in on TWO..They are a surprising duo…I have had evil thoughts and dreams of both of them…individually and together of course! Yeah.. I have imagined them asking me to join their freaky parade!
The Bespectacled Asian On K24
We all know her… Her hair is always in place. Her spectacles seem to enhance her gorgeous ways.. She is not short… She is petite. Tiny in a hot way. She is the “laptop” kind of woman. Start when you walk in the door and finish her up upstairs on the floor! She is that portable! She has this seriouslook about her…like she’s a doctor and you are a patient suffering from Small Pox. She has that extra thing going on about her! Her firm nature underscores a dominant woman who looks like she can take a spanking in return..if you get my drift! Simply put…YOU ARE HOT! I’d want to carry you…squeeze you in my arms tight and do the dirty! Raymond Effect gives you 8.3.
TERO Str8 UP
Hair…check…Smile…check… Mind altering curves…CHECK! Tero of KTN’s str8 up is….THE QUEEN OF THE CROP! I admit, I dont watch that programme…but on the few occassions that I have watched the show…WOW! Tero has a charm going on. Her hairdo is always impeccable! She is a true lady! She hates soccer, she thinks the world is perfect and life is fair…She is such a girl! No pretence about her! Even her talk is soothing. She is the tonic that the Doctor recommended! She is TERO! She cuts the image of a lady worth having and worth keeping. Not many have that ability! She has a soft demeanour about her ways… She tops my list of TV hotties. She has room for improvement-meeting with Raymond improves many women-and the Raymond Effect gives her…..a score of 8.92.
People… Thats the comprehensive listing! Am I thinking with my brain or my balls… Tell me who takes the crown in your world… For now.. I’m out!
Blow For Blow: Toss A Coin And Get HEAD
Posted by: raymondchepkwony on: January 10, 2010
Just BLOW
S[HE] BE[LI]EV[ED]!
Posted by: raymondchepkwony on: December 30, 2009
Bright Lights, Great Nights And Fake Dreams: Your 2010 Horoscopes
Posted by: raymondchepkwony on: December 29, 2009
Raymond Reads The Future
“I never seem to find what I’m looking for
Oh Lord, I pray
You give me strength to carry on,
‘Cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams
An’ here I go again on my own
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known,
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
An’ I’ve made up my mind
I ain’t wasting no more time”
Whitesnake- Here I Go Again
Many have asked me exactly what my talents are… The answer I give is that I am a multi-talented, multi-skilled individual with reaches beyond the ordinary. My talents are not limited to the normal… I have skills in paranormal activity. I have skills in telepathy. You doubt me?? Then how is it that I predicted that you’d read this line? And the line after this one? I am the real deal. P.S- I also “cure” promotions at work, impotence,getting a woman to love you and getting your business to grow.
Yesterday, I took a look at my crystal ball… I got great revelations about the year to come. For my readers, I will not charge a cent, but if you’d like “further” consultations, give me a call 0710537414, or visit my website www.howdaftcanyoube.info.ke. To get to my revelations, the gods of the universe made me jump over a black chicken 3 times, I had to carry a hive full of bees for two kilometres and lastly, I had to ride on the back of a giraffe for one kilometre. After doing all that, the gods were satisfied that I could be trusted with the predictions they were about to give me. I now pass on to you the wisdom…
January To April- BRIGHT LIGHTS
My predictions say that many good things will happen during this period. Okay… it depends on your definition of good things. Many men will be told that during the festive period, their was an “oops” moment. The “Oops” moment varies from the dude having said… “The Condom burst” or “I forgot condoms” and women saying “I think i’m on my safe day”. For some unlucky men…the oops moment will take a whole discussion that may go as follows… “Remember the Christmas party when we hooked up?…” or “Remember the Christmas shag we had?”… Many guys will also have the misfortune of their loved ones having “Immaculate conception”. Goes to prove that it really wasn’t a one off. When the dude blacked out at some point, his girlfriend did a quick one with his friend and in Feb she realizes the error of her ways. For many people, all will seem very bright. This is the perfect to do things like change jobs, change careers and change partners. Its the time to experience the joys and pleasures of three somes and women, this is the time to experiment your limits with other women and please take pictures of these liaisons!
By the time April comes around, many will have long forgotten their new year’s resolutions and will be focused on another year just as bad as the previous one. In politics, a referendum will be round the corner, so those in Mau will be issued Title deeds, this will also be the best time to be a hawker as you will be allowed to sell inside town. Reap the fruits of this time of the year.
May To August- Great Nights
Men, we all know why this is our favourite part of the year. For starters, all soccer leagues will be ending in May… we will know who will have the bragging rights for another year. The gods have disclosed to me thats its going to Arsenal in England, Real Madrid in Spain, Inter Milan in Italy and in Scotland…NOBODY CARES about your league. Champion’s league final will be a match up between Arsenal And Barcelona. Then the World Cup will roll round and June. The gods tell me that final will be a battle of titans… Argentina will face off against Spain in a thrilling final! You can bet your house on this predictions!
The sex will be great at this point. Some guys will discover that they have a fettish for pregnant women… And many guys will find themselves single. RULE number one in relationships… NEVER start a relationship in an even year…You run the risk that it may be a world cup year! Men will get dumped as they will be given ultimatums that don’t make sense. “Soccer or me?” will be the choice… the answer…well… OBVIOUS! Men will find themselves thrust into single hood and they will have great random relations. They will have fireworks spinning their heads. This is the highlight section of the year. As the year draws to a close, the first of the festive season kids will be born… And this will usher in the last period of the year… FAKE DREAMS!
September To December-Fake Dreams
As the kids are popped one after the other, many men will be shocked about the theories that will be advanced! Theories range from “Its possible to deliver a half Asian kid even if we are both black ass village folk”. Many guys will discover that “their” child’s eyes have a stunning resemblance to those of the neighbour. Fake Dreams season starts.
For those who changed careers earlier in the year for money, you will be faced with a reality of the mistakes that you have made. It’ll turn out that the job is worse than the previous one and you somehow managed to screw yourself over! Some will have followed my advice and placed bets on soccer… and they will have lost miserably!
As for politics, the constitution referendum will happen and guess what people… it’ll be given a huge rejection. As I’ve said before, I already have my CV updated coz I want to be in the next committee to give Kenyans a new constitution. I have a dream people!
As the year draws to an end… guess what? Being the idiots that we are, we will give it all up again and say, we will deal with issues in future…and that future isn’t this year. I’ll do it in 2011 will be the clarion call… the mama you hooked up with during the “great nights” period of the year will turn out to be a super freak or a prude… either way, the promise of a great future together will be shuttered right in front of your eyes. You will make a note to yourself… I’ll get into a steady relationship in the year 2011. As for those who will be raising half jungu kids and saying they are yours…even 2011 will not help you my friend. If however you suspect that the kid belongs to your neighbour, then 2011 will be the year you know for sure as the features will come out more clearly!
People, All the best in 2010… I look forward to it as ever… I look forward to the many bright lights and immaculate conceptions, I look forward to the great nights and future misconceptions and I look forward to my fake dreams and lost directions!
P.S- Give me a call for “personal consultations”- 0710537414
Thank You. It’s Been Emotional
Posted by: raymondchepkwony on: December 27, 2009
It’s Been Emotional
Smile...It always works out
“How the hell could you stop me?
Why in the world would you try?
I go hard forever,
That’s just how I’m designed,
That’s just how I was built
See the look in my eyes?
You take all of this from me,
And I’m still gon’ survive
You get truth from me,
But these rappers gon’ lie
I’m a part of these streets
Till the day that I die
I wave hi to the haters,
Mad that I finally done made it
Take a look and you can tell
That I’m destined for greatness
Tell me what do you see
When you looking at me
(woooahhhh)
On a mission to be
What I’m destined to be
(woooahhhh)
I done been through the pain and the sorrow
The struggle is nothing but love (nothing but love)
I’m a soldier, a rider, a ghetto survivor
And all the above All the above”
Maino Feat T-Pain
December 31st 2008- I sent out a couple of New Year messages at around 1300Hrs. I wanted to get home and do what for some time had become a tradition. Make a call to someone I love! I left some of my friends at the club we were at and I knew it was probably the last time I’d be hanging out with them. I was changing jobs and so I said my goodbyes to them and off home I went. I got home and reached into my pocket… guess what? Twas almost midnight and my treasured phone was GONE! I was crushed! Somehow, I knew that I’d set the tone for a bad year! I knew the one I loved was probably trying to reach me and I felt horrid being the one to break what had become a tradition the last couple of years. I was crushed… I was angry… i was disappointed. What a way to start a new year! Alone and in silence…
The year that has been 2009 started off on a very bad footing for me. The earlier part of the year, I spent so much time in my own abyss. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to process my thoughts and gather myself. The first quarter of the year was an emotional roller coaster. And then one day, a friend of mine wrote something that I felt was offensive. I thought of commenting on the note, but that’d only spur on the debate that was already raging at the time. Why anyone would think of insulting a religion even if not my religion was beyond me.I was outraged. Then, i remembered that I could blog. I’d been reading www.danielngari.com and thought it would be a good idea to blog.So I did the obvious… googled “How to start a blog”!
The Blog
I remember the first day I got 50 hits on my blog. I thought to myself… 50 people had the bad idea to log on to Raymond’s blog?? Wow… their are many idle Kenyans out there! From then on… the blog just grew in readership. In leaps and bounds. Soon I was getting referrals. A very intelligent character by the name @inteligensia tweet my blog post and it was picked up on by www.proudkikuyuwoman.blogspot.com. @PeeKayW wrote of this new writer she’d discovered. Raymond had been DISCOVERED. I owe so much to PKW. My blog was now on a mad spin. Theirs a post I did… “Cant cook like my mother,drinks like may father”. After that post, I surpassed the 1000 hits per day I’d set as a target. In about six months of blogging, I had captured the imagination of many. I was flattered. I was honoured. My drama seemed to connect with many. Every so often, someone would call me and say they saw my number on my blog and thought to just call me and big me up! Thank You so much.
The People
Jesse Mwangi… this fellow has had to endure days of editing and re-editing! Big up dude…but that doesn’t absolve you from the two beers you still owe me!
Peter Murimi… the de-facto sub editor. Cheers and big up dude! Many thanks… many many thanks.
Mike Macharia- Dude, you encourage me to write.
Mutua Mutongoi- Mbalance… legendary dude. Thanks for the big up lakini stop the “Copy Paste”. On second thoughts..don’t stop. Keep at it.
Nkirote Muriungi- Nki, you were always their for me.. Thank You like a million times. El-Nino kind of rain from me to you.
Timla Wango- You TWART!
Tim Wango- To reggae Thursdays and helping “dancers” earn a living in clubs that I’ll not mention.
Shella Thiongó- My dear… thanks so much.. not only are you gorgeous, you also read Raymond’s blog!
Moniq- Thanks so so much my dear. Your comments always made me smile!
Eric Mugendi Nyaga- Dude… Your tweets caused a stir. Thanks a lot. I hope to read more from you as well dude.
Gregory Mabele- Your insane comments gave me reason to believe that maybe my mind isn’t too far gone after all. Their is still hope!
Yvonne Kariuki- For always questioning when my post is coming and for the smile everytime I posted something! You are the real deal my dear!
Ellen Wanjiru- From finding my blog on Zuqka, to writing with you. its been a great 2009 when I think of you. Looking forward to that runway. All aboard are strapped in and ready for 2010! “We writers need to stick together”
Mutegi Mbungú- Dude… Thanks for always reading the blog.
Elsie Wandera- You make me want to become a better writer. You are forever challenging me…and that is the mark of a great friend.
Eunice Kilonzo- My dear, you have been a darling all through. You really give me reason to advance more theories.
Kamil Kamilla- You’ve been a darling… Next year, I’ll have to write about your DJ skills!
Stephen Kioko- Always there to stretch my theories a notch higher. Always testing which sites are real. Dude.. I suggest you try www.youthinkitexists.co.ke
Carol mumbe- Thanks for reading it back to me… Means a lot to me my dear
Wanjiru Mwangi- Saving the very best for last. Esther, without your support, I’d probably never have written some of my best pieces. Anything Esther related has turned to Gold. Babez, si you know…
The Year To Come
Many pending projects… many possibilities… all will be explored. The drumbeats of the year are calling. They are banging too loudly to be ignored. I look forward to more wild thoughts. More conspiracy theories. More of www.dumbasswebsite.co.ke . You will read it all here people. More laughs and I look forward to having some guys having clandë escapades and telling me about it. I look forward to my cold white cap with the boys all round telling me about the insanities of the Mrs and their belligerent love for Granny panties.
I hope to meet ALL of you come 2010. I want to meet up with each and every single one of you and say THANK YOU.
And The Winners Are… Drums Please…
Posted by: raymondchepkwony on: December 25, 2009
“In your heart I see the star of every night and every day
In your eyes I get lost, I get washed away
Just as long as I’m here in your arms
I could be in no better place
You’re simply the best, better than all the rest
Better than anyone, anyone I’ve ever met
I’m stuck on your heart, I hang on every word you say
Tear us apart no, no, baby, I would rather be dead”
Tina Turner- Simply The Best
2009 has been one heck of a year… we’ve gone through the best and worst of human beings! As is customary, this time of the year we issue awards to those that made a mark in Kenya and borders beyond. The listing I put out today guarantees that the named will be nominated for Nobel Peace prize awards come next year!
As I always do, for such landmark events, I assemble a team of eminent personalities. To be a member of my panel of experts, one has to have a proven track record of shrewd behaviour and the truth shouldn’t count for much-that explains why the team is mainly composed of lawyers! If you’d like to apply, kindly send me your CV to fala@numberone.co.ke! Applications close on 31st December.
For the year 2009, by the powers vested in me, I would like to issue the following awards to deserving personalities and groups. My congratulations to them for the hard work done-or not done at all-in the year 2009.
Quack Environmentalist Of The Year.
This category was viciously contested. The panel of experts spent many a sleepless nights discussing who deserved the award. It was close… between Paul Sang,The former Prez and Isaac Ruto. We eventually settled for… PAUL SANG! His theories on the origin of Rain has proven to be blue print which can be used world wide! His soon to be published Book-“Origins Of Rain For Dummies” is already causing a stir not only in the scientific community but also in the general populace. We would like to honor him here. The title Quack Environmentalist Of The Year is befitting! “Mvua inatoka kwa miti, ama mvua inatoka juu…” That statement guarantees you this award for the next three years. We thank you for your insights Sir!
Kuna Nuru Kichwani Person Of The Year.
Many have had “blonde moments” this year… Very few however repeat the same mistake and blonde moments over and over again! This category is therefore reserved for those among us who make a blunder look normal by repeating it time and time again! The panel of experts had shortlisted 100 people in this category. With time, the top three contenders emerged as clear as day. For all your blonde moments, we would like to give this honor otherwise dubbed Moron Of The Year to a certain Antoine Hey! Can he please stand up so that the rest of us can put one finger from each hand up! How he could take a winning team from the heights of “almost qualifying for SA” and make it a whinning team where we were now the “we will never qualify” team clearly gives you the crown… How you managed to get paid some serious money for this feat is remarkable. Bwana Hey, we honour you. Your abilities are almost unmatched and not just in Kenya, but in the rest of Africa! Many games…one game won and way too many lost! Bravo… from the depths of our misfortune we say…many words in many languages,most appropriate can be found in www.daftmuthafucker.co.ke
Enter-tainer Of The Year
This award received a last minute entry that just couldn’t be looked over. This award in layman’s terms is called Mr. Chips Funga Haraka award of the year! The panel of experts had to award this person for the great level of stupidity he has obviously exhibited. He did not even bother to keep it a secret from the suspicious Mrs. He has a mama in the house but he’s busy parambulating with all forms of get-shag-quick mamas. Now, I have no quarrel with the man for wanting a dish on the side… lakini when you get to a figure as high as THIRTEEN chips funga haraka kila wiki, and you don’t hide it too well from your wifey, then I have a quarrel. I have asked myself the question… If I was a dollar Billionaire, would I cheat on my wife…I don’t yet know but I’m certain TIGER WOOD know the answer! For his antics, we here give him the Funga Chips na hata kuku Sama papa hapa award! And on that note, we would like to announce that www.raymondchepkwony.wordpress.com, has withdrawn all product endorsements we had with him and we wish him well in his bright future. Thank You.
Kodak moment Of The Year
The year was captured by many photographers in many angles… our panel of experts reviewed over One Million pictures just to find the one picture that stood out. The picture that was nominated beating the field by a wide margin… is… The Gay Marriage Picture of Ngegi and some fellow… Two Kenyan men getting jiggy in the land of the queen. And even dowry was negotiated and paid for! For one of the couples, he couldn’t hide his joy at finally finding a perfect partner after a failed first marriage! As the happy couple spends their time at Queersville which is south of the border-doesnt matter where you are but they are south of it-and as they do their thing-whatever is done in queersville south of the border-we here normalville would like to give them this award for Kodak Moment Of The Year also referred to as “how on earth did you get photographed doing that?” award! Dudes, don’t call me…i’ll just send the awards via courier to you!
The panel also uncovered a few gems in our society… these are true pillars of their industry…
Deejay Unit Of The Year.
CODE RED Deejays! Without doubt, they are Kenya’s finest Deejay units. Granted, the competition is stiff, Blackstar-A splinter of Code Red-is doing great stuff, Homeboyz are always in the mix… but very few Deejay Units match the versatility and deck abilities of Code Red! Kaytrixx and Mister T are no longer understudies to DJ Stylez. They’ve upped their game and now, they reflect the mastery previously embodied by Stylez! Homeboys are great..but I think they are a business first and then a Deejay Unit. Blackstar is perhaps the closest competition Code Red have…but they seem to have focused on Visual side of the business and they are screaming too loud that they’ve got mad cash! Get back on the decks and rival the “deckswag” of Code Red and you may just have a chance at greatness. For now… Fingers on deck for Code Red!
Band Of The Year…
Without doubt, hands down winners of this have to be and ARE SAUTISOL! The delivery in Lazizi is brilliant. The wit and poise in the song Blue Uniform is mature beyond Kenya’s time and their stage performances come rain come shine is full of energy and they will not disappoint! 2009 is the year Sautisol came to the fore. 2009 is the year we thank God for bringing Sautisol to the fore! Nuff said!
Blog Of The Year 2009
From a survey done by the panel of experts raymondchepkwony’s blog was the outright winner hands down. However, being the humble man that I am…I turned it down. In the name of openness and honesty and giving everyone a fair chance… The panel of experts is however still undecided and we’d like to know which one you think wins…
1- www.myheartscripted.blogspot.com
3- www.proudkikuyuwoman.blogspot.com
6- www.thoughtsinblue.blogspot.com
All the above I follow and all the above have huge following… choose one! 2010 beckons… here’s a toast to “whatever will happen as long as it works…”! I’m out people!
Why Santa Clause Did Not Pass By You Digz!
Posted by: raymondchepkwony on: December 25, 2009
Santa After Nairoberry
“Washindwe ni mogoka imeshika ama ni kuota
Wakishika ujanja, car wash tunaanza
Kwa ile hali ya kuosha
Rim inapotea
Side mirror inapotea tenje inapotea
Makarao wakikuja
Gari inabembea
Ni ya leo, Ni ya leo
Tunazinza hamsini
Ni ya leo, Ni ya leo
Tumezifungua tu saa hizi”
Jua Cali Feat Mejja-Bongo La Biashara
Did santa pass through your digz jana? Well… if you happen to live in Nairobi then I have reason why Santa did not pass by your place last night. Being the one and only Raymond, let’s just say I managed to get the down low from santa’s helpers! I told I have sources from all over the world. One of the reindeers in Santa’s carriage is on the payroll of a certain Raymond Chepkwony. I do it out of love. I do it all for my readers. Now, we all know santa did not come bearing glad tidings for many Nairobians. Many waited for the gifts lakini they didn’t arrive. For the whole Down Low… Read On…
Advances in medical science account for reason number one as to why Santa did not pass through your digz last night. Well, there’s a mama who works on Koinange Street and she’s been a very “naughty girl” all year long! Santa had picked up a present for her. Hand cuffs and whips and a leather outfit! You know… for her business to grow into a niche market! As santa delivered this parcel of love to the young “businesswoman” he was offered some gratitude as gesture of good faith-the lady’s name is faith by the way- and santa being an old man…well..let’s just say he has certain “difficulties”… Faith being an astute and ambitious businesswoman was armed with a gift of gratitude for Santa-VIAGRA! For the first time in 50 years…Santa’s flag was flying at full mast! So, Faith did the do that needed to be done on the now rejuvenated old man! When Santa was done… he stepped out and it was now 2300Hrs… what he saw on K-Street changed his direction. Armed with a bottle of Viagra, Santa changed his cry… from the previous “Ho ho ho ho…” that we are used to… Santa’s chant to the shock of onlookers was now…. “Whore…whore…whore…!” Let’s just say the empty Viagra bottle was found three hours later…and a smiling Santa hit the streets!
As Santa was rushing out of K-Street to meet deadlines, overzealous cops caught up with him. He was arrested and bundled on to “mariamu”. He was arrested and was taken to Central cop station. At Central, the Occurence Book-of which I have a scanned copy you can view on www.badowewenifala.co.ke- was written that Santa was arrested for the following reasons,
1- Suspicious Behaviour- He was walking in town at midnight and he was carrying a bag! He did not have receipts for the goods he was carrying. Suspect was armed with toy guns and a demonstration DVD called “Mortal Kombat”. The suspect is going to use the DVD to train Al-Shabaab Militia!
2- Belonging to a proscribed sect- Santa’s big beard and long hair tell that he belongs to a sect that is said to be spreading terror to Nairobians. The cops suspect that Santa’s intentions included kidnapping and in his bag, items that suggest that he was going to administer oaths were found!
3- Noise Pollution- Santa was also charged with causing disturbance and polluting the environment by shouting “Ho ho ho” and “Whore whore whore…”.
I’m told that Santa ilibidi atoe “kitu kidogo” ndio awachiliwe. By the time he left central police station, his bag was half empty! He counts himself lucky for their was an inmate called ötero in the cells who was already looking at Santa in a manner suggesting that santa would not spend his time comfortably..if you get my drift! As Santa passed next to Jevanjee Gardens in town, he decided to have a rest on the chairs and take a moment to reflect on the happenings of the night that was quickly going awry! As he paused to take a break, he suddenly saw four guys and all he remembers was someone saying… “Önyash, piga yeye jeki” Moments later, he felt a strong arm on his neck and then he heard the words…”Masharia…toa yote kwa mufuko”. As Santa recalls, in four seconds, he was passed out and his pockets were empty and the bag of Christmas presents was by now ALL GONE! He’d been Ngetwad Nairobi style. Onyango is the brut and Macharia is the sly pocketer! Things never change!
When Santa finally came to his senses, he was surrounded by Nairobians all telling what had happened to him… Of the five story tellers surrounding him, there were versions of had transpired. One blamed it on Mau degradation…Another said it was impunity…another said the reason theirs Ngeta in Nairobi is because of the constitution… someone else chipped in and said Santa was Ngetwad because Post Election Violence suspects have not been to The Hague. The fifth said Santa was now in a daze because of the coalition Government! I say Santa was in the wrong place at the right time and so he got Ngetwad! Tough Love!
The good old man made a decision many folk from up country make. LEAVE NAIROBI ASAP! He managed to get his cousin to M-Pesa him some money. He went and withdrew the money and went to the stage to wait for a matatu to get him to the Airport. The Matatu tout called him “Mzeeiya!” and told him to “kaa chonjo”! When he gave the tout the KShs.200 he had withdrew from M-Pesa, the tout told him there was no change because that’s the “bei ya jioni”! “Buda, hauoni idhaa ni ile ya otherwise? Jioni ndae ni Rwabe. Squadi leo imekuwa fyam na karau si unajua pia ni gangare roundi hii…” Santa was later to learn that the tout meant…”Old man, can’t you see the time? At these hours, the fare is KShs.200. We’ve also not gone for many rounds today because of corrupt cops”. The tout was chewing the twigs from Meru with the drug Khatheine…This was accompanied by a miniscule bite of Big-G! Well…Santa didn’t dare argue with a mohine like that. He finally was dropped at J.K.I.A. he was relieved to be leaving the city of tough love. His ordeal was far from over! At the airport, he was informed that the Runway lights weren’t working. “technical hitches” was all he was told. He was told to take a seat on the cold tarmac along with the other stranded passengers!
I write to you all in the morning… I’ve just seen Santa check into his flight. He was travelling on the 0900Hrs flight from Nairobi to the city called AnywherebutNairobi. I wish him a safe flight. He also needs to get his neck checked out and because he drank some suspicious water, I hope he takes Cholera tablets and the effects of the “mchele” that the mama in K-Street wekad on him will be felt for the next 3 Days so he should ask the Doc to check that out as well! Lucky for him he’s got no kids, I mean the dude only cums once every year and its down a chimney so unless the theory of immaculate conception was a one-off…then chances of him having kids are slim! MERRY CHRISTMAS yáll!
Raymond Vs Ellen- This Is WAR
Posted by: raymondchepkwony on: December 3, 2009
“[Rihanna:] Sad and it’s not fair how you take advantage of the fact that I Love you beyond the reason why And it just ain’t right [Ne-Yo:] And I hate how much I love you girl I can’t stand how much I need you And I hate how much I love you girl But I just can’t let you go But I hate that I love you so [Both:] One of these days maybe your magic won’t affect me And your kiss won’t make me weak But no one in this world knows me the way you know me So you’ll probably always have a spell on me…” Hate That I Love You- Rihanna Feat. Ne-Yo
For far too long, women have mistaken the influence of the “boy’s club” as a negative dent to their love lives. Its always been easy for women to pick on the boys as an explanation for all that is going wrong in their twisted little romance of a life they call a marriage. Women, why do you have to place the blame for your hubby or boyfriend going astray on the boys? Something I also wonder about… why do women normally pick on one of the boys and blame him for all that is going wrong in their lives? http://raymondchepkwony.wordpress.com
9 out of 10 “the boys” are single and still think the boyish/player mentality is cool and should be bragged about. What’s not cool is the influence it has on the poor married guy that has to go back home to the slightly overweight wife in a smelly headscarf, pink robe and fluffy slippers while “the boys” return to the random hot chick of the night wearing the sexy black lingerie. That whole grass is greener on the other side comes into play because the boys flaunt their freedom and independence and make fun of the shackled-down guy instead of respecting his union and understanding how weak their fellow man is! And for the record, we don’t blame one of the boys for ALL that is going wrong in our lives, just ALL that is wrong with our hubby or boyfriend on account of his loser friend. His pal probably introduced him to the young girl and insisted he hook up with her just once for the hell of it. As far as that stray gene goes…we girls can straighten it out…but it’s difficult when “the boys” keep pulling him in the opposite direction. Chances are- he probably needs a new set of mature fellows. And that 1% left is probably the one other married guy whose life is just as miserable…and you know how that saying goes…misery loves company.http://vent09.blogspot.com
Recently, I was at my local watering hole… and I was surprised by a group of women who were having their infamous “chama” in the local pub! What ever happened to the boys meeting in the bar-as it’s supposed to be- and the women having their chamas in the house and eating mandazis? I long for the days I would be kicked out of the house because my Mum had chama… I knew there would be a never-ending supply of spiced up food and mandazis.. My son will apparently now grow up never knowing when his Mum has chama in the house. Ladies… please take your chama away from the local. You are infringing on my right to have a quiet “me time with the boys”.http://raymondchepkwony.wordpress.com
Basically what you’re saying is for the ladies to stay the hell out of your pub so you and the rascals can gather together and eat chama and most likely talk about us….insanity! You do realize that it’s 2009 and not the stone ages, right? I think those days that you long for when you would be kicked out of the house had an adverse effect and most likely left a tiny dent on your head because surely you don’t expect us to quietly walk away and stop infringing on your bullshit “me time” right. We need quiet “me time” too and this can be achieved under one pub…you and the boys can sit on one side of the room and me and my fly girls will be on the other side. Besides, girls make the scene livelier!!!http://vent09.blogspot.com
Ladies, you establishing your very “girls night” stinks of angry women with nothing to do than sit around a bar, engage in a night of male bashing, and then gossip about whoever amongst you is not there that day! Why is there a need for women to try and be equal with men? Am I the only one who thinks that the modern day woman has lost her place? Next time you are with these so- called “girls” ask yourself… what would mum do. If that doesn’t get your behind in the kitchen waiting for your philandering husband… then you have childhood issues you need to sort out!http://raymondchepkwony.wordpress.com
I think all of the hanging out with the boys has knocked your senses out of wack! The only thing that stinks is coming from your stench of bitterness and denial over the fact that girls rule and boys drool. Yes, you read correctly-Girls Rule! I’m sorry to tell you my friend…you are the only Neanderthal that thinks the modern day woman has lost her place. What would mum do? Who cares, we’re not our mothers! We’re liberated, carefree, hardworking women who deserve to sit around a bar and engage in any and everything our hearts desire. Tell me, what is it that boys do when they sit around a bar? Do they not female bash, drink beers, compare conquests, and then bossip (the male term for gossip)? The only thing that’s going to get me in the kitchen is a non-philandering husband who treats me equally and shows the same respect he requires.http://vent09.blogspot.com
Guys and girls will forever have their friends… The key to a lasting relationship probably lies in respecting each others space and respecting each others friends. We will always have “crews” and we will always have friends… Good or bad. To all those considered “bad company” by wives or husbands, I say..live and enjoy the tag. For you will always be one they LOVE TO HATE!
ABOUT
Ellen Wanjiru-(http://vent09.blogspot.com)
Ellen lives and works in the Washington, DC area as a freelance writer. Her wordings on diverse topics make for a great read and showcase her versatility as a creative writer. Add her as a friend on Facebook.com/Ewrita and follow her on twitter.com/Ewrita. Apart from vent09.blogspot.com, Ellen also writes poetry @ http://thoughtsinblu.blogspot.com
Raymond Chepkwony-(http://raymondchepkwony.wordpress.com)
Raymond is Kenyan and has taken to humor writing. Though he sometimes delves on to the murky world of politics, his main forte is relationships-though he’s taken to female bashing! Add Raymond as a friend on Facebook- Ray Chepkwony and follow him on twitter @chepkwonyr
You Know I Love You… Right?
Posted by: raymondchepkwony on: November 29, 2009
“Tell me your name
Although I know the last one
It’s funny that we’re shaking hands
(Wait a minute I know this hand…..)
It’s the same hand: I’ll hold in front of a minister
Same hand: When your having my son and his sister
I don’t mean to sound so bold and forward
But I thank you in advance”
Boys To Men- Thank You In Advance
In my short life, I can proudly say, I have gone through the experiences of all spectrums of emotions. I have Loved, I have hated, I have liked, I have adored. I have been hurt; I have been the cause of pain and anguish. I have done myself proud; I have disappointed those who thought highly of me. I have been a good man; I have been a naughty boy. All said and done, Raymond is happy with whom he is. You can be good… you can do good, or… you can pack it all up and give up. I have been all the above!
I have not always been lucky in Love… Something always didn’t match. There was always something amiss. Maybe I loved her, but she was in Love with someone else. Maybe I thought of her as a friend… she wanted more. Sometimes, I thought of her as a “shag buddy” and she thought she was in a committed exclusive relationship. With all the twists and turns that come with life, nothing could possibly have ever prepared me for what I am going through right now. As always, there is a glitch in this relationship… theirs is a cloud in this silver lining. DISTANCE!
Some six months back, Raymond would not have entertained the thought of a long distance relationship. Actually, I thought long distance relationships were meant for losers who were so clingy that they could not find someone in their vicinity to satisfy their urges! I thought Long distance relationships were meant for men who believed in sex with the bar maid and when the bar maid is off, then Vaseline and a strong right hand would do just fine! Now, I can say, I understand. I understand how one can be attracted to someone who is miles away and feel the bond of love so tight that you can’t wait for the next phone call. How do you explain a bond so good and perfect when the one you hold dear and you hold true is miles away?
To get to where I am, maybe I need to go to the start… I met this girl… we had a brilliant time together, and contrary to the norm… we did not have sex. By all means, any man would lose interest after a week. We all know men have the attention the size of their testiscles. This girl however was special. Have you ever said goodbye to someone, and the thought of them still lingers on? Well… that is how she was. Initially, it was harmless… seeing her online and saying hello, was more like meeting a pal or a colleague on the streets and stopping to ask the questions whose answers you don’t really care about. Questions like…”hello, how are you doing?” we all know that such questions are never really meant to be answered. Anyway, soon, we were discussing how our days have been. How some half brained dimwits have de-stabilised our lives… how some morons who we suspect are of a different species are messing with the constitution. That kind of thing! Before I knew it, I couldn’t help but wonder… “WHY I’m I missing this girl?” I realized I loved her when one day I said… “I wish you were here with me….”! That statement… was mad love right there. Raymond was in love. Only that he would never have admitted it at the time.
To make sense out of the predicament I now faced, I decided to assemble my team of “eminent” persons. They have given me 100 reasons why I find myself so in Love… The full list is on my website, www.whippedassnegroe.co.ke. I will only delve into three. These three, explain it all!
1 Getting to know her
REALITY is brutal. The harsh reality of life dictates that we never really get to know the other person. First, we normally have sex and the we see how ot goes from there.what happens when you the sex out of the equation? You are left with bare knuckle openness. I guess I can say that what I got to know about her in 2 weeks, was the kind of stuff you get to know about someone after dating for two years. Their were nights when we spent on chat or on Skype till the sun rose! Nights when I’d go out, get wasted as hell, and then go back home, log on and say goodnight! This girl, I have come to know! This girl, I have come to Love.
2- Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder
Theirs is a need to have that which you can’t have! Theirs is a need to touch a wall that says “wet paint” just confirm that the paint is indeed WET! My falling in Love this time round is possibly because I cannot have all of her. There will always be that missing link. That extra bit of physical longing. Theirs the desire for a hug. The desire for a kiss. That keeps me glued to her like a train on the tracks. The flame in this case is fuelled by sheer compatibility. The drive is sustained by the emotional presence and the physical absence
3- Wit, charm and character
When my panel of “eminent persons” wrote this down, I wondered what that had to do with anything! They answered… For anyone to keep a long distance relationship going, a strong sense of character from both parties is needed. A great sense of humour always comes in handy. To keep someone who is not physically with you, is Meta physically not with you either but is so emotionally connected with you is not easy. It is hard. Some charm and wit are traits that the relationship can happen. It is proof that relationships can work even when someone is away.
People, sometimes, we go far and wide to find the one you want to wake up next to for the rest of your life. Sometimes you find the one right next to you. Sometimes, you stumble upon the one in the middle of the night, drunk and stinking like a skunk but the moment you meet her, you know your life is forever changed. Sometimes you have to stop looking and the cynic in you may just be blown away by a helpless romantic heart. Sometimes though… you have to work to get love right. And when you finally get the perfect fit, you do not want to let go, for by letting go, you forever know that you will be scarred and the thought of an eternity spent without her, is the thought of the devil hosting the winter Olympics.
I guess we love for different reasons. Maybe it’s the need to belong. For some it’s to fulfil a longing. For others, it’s because they want someone who can just tag along. Some even get into relationships because they are a tit bit forlorn. Some are in relationships because time is too far gone to get a chance at true love. Others just string people along. However, real and lasting love you will one day find, in the heart of someone you never thought existed. If Raymond could fall in love, then people, there is hope! There is HOPE!
- The Key, The Padlock And A Woman’s Value.
- Blow For Blow: Toss A Coin And Get HEAD
- Cream Of The TV Crop
- Meet Raymond
- The Perfect Kenyan Wife
- Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past.
- Can’t Cook Like Our Mothers… Can Drink Like Our Fathers
- Its Like Kama sutra… Regardless Of The Position You Still Get SCREWED!
- For The She Who Counts To He.
- One Knee?? NEVER! Proposals for Dummies!
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- Ms. Drama: hahaha I love the padlock key concept!! Preach on brother .....Preach ON!!! LMAO!
- PKW: Commentless
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